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Funniest Airport Announcements You've Heard  
User currently offlineDAL763ER From United States of America, joined Oct 2008, 534 posts, RR: 0
Posted (9 months 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 2902 times:
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I'm sitting in the BA lounge in terminal 5 and I just heard the following announcement:

"This is an announcement for passengers on BA157 from yesterday. This flight is now boarding."

For some reason I find this quite funny and was wondering what things people have heard across airports through the years that made them chuckle a little.

Happy holidays to all!


Where aviation is not the side show, it's the main show!!!
26 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineplaneguy727 From United States of America, joined Mar 2007, 1247 posts, RR: 1
Reply 1, posted (9 months 4 days ago) and read 2816 times:

Waiting for a USX flight at IAD
“Passengers on the cancelled Philadelphia flight – you can claim your bags on carousel 10 in the Main Terminal. You can either recheck them or try again another day.”

Waiting at UA baggage claim at IAD
“Please keep children away from the baggage belt – articles of clothing can get caught and we would hate to see anything happen to them.” [my question – the clothes or the children?]



I want to live in an old and converted 727...
User currently offlineStlHsvSfoSan From United States of America, joined Dec 2012, 47 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (9 months 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 2812 times:

Not an "airport announcement", but (at BNA)...

AA xxxx: "AA xxxx at Bravo-5, ready for departure on 20-Right"
BNA Tower: "AA xxxx, traffic crossing downfield; assume the position"
AA xxxx: laughter


User currently offlineVasu From United Kingdom, joined Apr 2005, 3916 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (9 months 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 2810 times:

Have a look at this:

http://www.hendess.net/london.htm

Really old now, but still makes me laugh. Apparently it really happened!


User currently offlineKBUF From United States of America, joined Apr 2005, 546 posts, RR: 0
Reply 4, posted (9 months 3 days 22 hours ago) and read 2791 times:

"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone."
"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone."
"The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone."
"No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone."
"The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone."
"Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!"
"Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone."
"Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion."
"It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved."

I had to do it.   



"Starting today, the Buffalo Sabres' reason for existence will be to win a Stanley Cup."-Terry Pegula, February 22, 2011
User currently offlineaerorobnz From Rwanda, joined Feb 2001, 7191 posts, RR: 13
Reply 5, posted (9 months 3 days 22 hours ago) and read 2790 times:

Paging last remaining passengers on Flight Xxxxx. The Dikshit family please go immediately to departure gate 6. All other passengers are waiting for you. enjoyed making that page...

User currently offlineJetsgo From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 3083 posts, RR: 5
Reply 6, posted (9 months 3 days 18 hours ago) and read 2750 times:

At the top of the escalator, please step forward...


Marine Corps Aviation, The Last To Let You Down!
User currently offlinegabrielchew From United Kingdom, joined Aug 2005, 3270 posts, RR: 12
Reply 7, posted (9 months 3 days 16 hours ago) and read 2717 times:

Not at an airport, but yesterday on the tube (in London), the driver annouced "Please wait until everyone has disembarked before attempting to board.....Please wait until everyone has disembarked before attempting to board....PLEASE WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE HAS DISEMBARKED. If you can't follow simple announcements we are happy to refund your fare and you can travel by bus".


http://my.flightmemory.com/shefgab Upcoming flights:MAN-LHR-ARN-OSL-TOS-LYR-OSL-CPH-LHR,LCY-ARN-AMS-LGW-DXB-BKK-HKG-TPE-
User currently offlinevhqpa From Australia, joined Jul 2005, 1471 posts, RR: 1
Reply 8, posted (9 months 3 days 14 hours ago) and read 2696 times:

A few years ago at CHC

"Air New Zealand is paging passenger Miss Janet Jackson travelling on flight NZxxx to Auckland please proceed to Gate x without delay as your flight is awaiting an immediate departure, that is Miss Janet Jack... (trying to withhold laughter) Jackson on NZxxx to Auckland proceed to Gate x immediately". After the announcement her and her co workers bursted out in laughter.



"There you go ladies and gentleman we're through Mach 1 the speed of sound no bumps no bangs... CONCORDE"
User currently offlinenewhaven From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (8 months 3 weeks 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 2419 times:

Quoting KBUF (Reply 4):
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone."
"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone."
"The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone."
"No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone."
"The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone."
"Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!"
"Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone."
"Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion."
"It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved."

Now .. THAT Was Awesome


User currently offlinenewhaven From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (8 months 3 weeks 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 2418 times:

Quoting vhqpa (Reply 8):
"Air New Zealand is paging passenger Miss Janet Jackson travelling on flight NZxxx to Auckland please proceed to Gate x without delay as your flight is awaiting an immediate departure, that is Miss Janet Jack... (trying to withhold laughter) Jackson on NZxxx to Auckland proceed to Gate x immediately". After the announcement her and her co workers bursted out in laughter.

I don't really get whats funny ?


User currently offlinereadytotaxi From United Kingdom, joined Dec 2006, 3263 posts, RR: 2
Reply 11, posted (8 months 3 weeks 4 days 12 hours ago) and read 2352 times:

Going back 30 years when I used to work at LHR in the terminals, an 8 hr shift could go by a bit slow. In those days you could go to the airport information desk and have a call put out for a person, so we used to have imaginary names made up to get a laugh. Example; "Would Miss Emma Royd pls return to the car rental desk." or "Would Mr Richard Head pls join his party at the exit" You get the idea.   


you don't get a second chance to make a first impression!
User currently offlinejetblastdubai From United States of America, joined Aug 2013, 699 posts, RR: 0
Reply 12, posted (8 months 3 weeks 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 2317 times:
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Halloween at ORD:
"Mr. Michael Meyers, return to security to pick up your mask"
"Miss Lizzy Borden, please proceed to baggage carousel number 5 to claim your axe"
"Miss Sybil Dorsett, your flight is now departing from gate B1, B2, B3, B4 and B5"



A good landing is one you can walk away from. A great landing is when you can re-use the aircraft.
User currently offlinejetwet1 From United States of America, joined Jun 2007, 238 posts, RR: 0
Reply 13, posted (8 months 3 weeks 3 days 18 hours ago) and read 2223 times:

At SFO waiting for my flight to LAS on UA in '89

"Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that used the remote parking, do worry, our drivers do go both ways.


User currently offlineandz From South Africa, joined Feb 2004, 8453 posts, RR: 10
Reply 14, posted (8 months 3 weeks 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 2152 times:
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At DUR they are really annoying, they will say something like "South African Airways flight 502, a departure flight to Johannesburg..." wtf, a departure flight? What kind of English is that?

Years ago at ELS the announcements had a feeling of doom to them, they would say "passengers on flight XYZ, please take leave of your friends and loved ones and make your way to gate X"



After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF...
User currently onlinebohica From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 2700 posts, RR: 0
Reply 15, posted (8 months 3 weeks 3 days 3 hours ago) and read 2128 times:

At IAD while walking past the boarding area for a Korean Air flight:

"Passenger Kim, please come to the podium."


User currently offlinePanHAM From Germany, joined May 2005, 9386 posts, RR: 29
Reply 16, posted (8 months 3 weeks 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 2057 times:

Quoting newhaven (Reply 10):
I don't really get whats funny ?

you are right, the only Connection between airports and Ms. Jackson I can think of is "Nipplegate".



E's passed on! That parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
User currently offlineblink182 From Azerbaijan, joined Oct 1999, 5482 posts, RR: 15
Reply 17, posted (8 months 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1935 times:

By itself not so funny, but in context a bit moreso:
I recently transited DOH, and an announcement blared every three minutes or so about how DOH is a silent airport, no flight announcements are made etc. I figure the airport authority could scrap the announcement in lieu of actual flights, and there would be no difference.



Give me a break, I created this username when I was a kid...
User currently offlineCitationJet From United States of America, joined Mar 2003, 2438 posts, RR: 3
Reply 18, posted (8 months 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 1822 times:

For many years after the DFW airport opened, the recorded announcement for the terminal connecting tram had the door closure announcement in both English and Spanish. Prior to the tram leaving each station, the recorded announcement warned you in English to "Be careful, the doors are about to close". The doors would then automatically close. After the doors were closed the same announcment would come on in Spanish, "Tenga cuidado, ya que las puertas están a punto de cerrar". The message wasn't timed very well to help warn the Spanish speaking travelers. I heard this same announcement for over 10 years everytime I rode the tram in DFW.

[Edited 2014-01-02 08:36:28]


Boeing Flown: 701,702,703;717;720;721,722;731,732,733,734,735,737,738,739;741,742,743,744,747SP;752,753;762,763;772,773.
User currently offlineweb500sjc From United States of America, joined Sep 2009, 739 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (8 months 3 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 1805 times:
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In IND the other month I heard an announcement


"United is paging the pilots of UAXxxxx, diversion from CLE to gate A20, your flight is now ready for boarding."


I had never heard an announcement for a crew to find their airplane.



Boiler Up!
User currently offlineAT From United States of America, joined Jul 2000, 1044 posts, RR: 0
Reply 20, posted (8 months 3 weeks 1 hour ago) and read 1768 times:

I heard an odd one yesterday on a United flight from Tampa to New York:
"as soon as we reach serving altitude, we will be coming around the cabin with beverages and snack boxes.'

serving altitude!?


User currently offlineJAAlbert From United States of America, joined Jan 2006, 1600 posts, RR: 1
Reply 21, posted (8 months 2 weeks 2 days 19 hours ago) and read 1515 times:

Quoting andz (Reply 14):
Years ago at ELS the announcements had a feeling of doom to them, they would say "passengers on flight XYZ, please take leave of your friends and loved ones and make your way to gate X"

This is hilarious!

Not an airport announcement, but on a SWA flight, after the safety instructions, an attendant announced "We will now dim the cabin lights to enhance the beauty of the flight attendants." I thought it hilarious (and probably underused.)


User currently offlinephotophil From Germany, joined Apr 2011, 196 posts, RR: 1
Reply 22, posted (8 months 2 weeks 1 day 12 hours ago) and read 1372 times:

I still like that flight out of Munich (only works in the English announcement though):

"Flight LH 2222 to Toulouse" ... no idea what funny guy assigned that flight number to this route



300-310-319-320-321-332-342-343-388-717-734-735-736-73H-738-744-74M-752-76E-77W-F70-100-E70-E75-E90-E95-AT4-AT7-CR2-CR9-
User currently offlinezrs70 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 3171 posts, RR: 9
Reply 23, posted (8 months 2 weeks 1 day 10 hours ago) and read 1349 times:

When we arrived in New Zealand from LAX, we heard multiple announcements for passengers to go to the "Chicken Counter."

We were amused, assuming there was a place where poultry was checked on before shipping. So we asked, and the rep explained with a puzzled look, "The Chicken Counter is where passenger go to chick-in for their flights!

Ah - the dialect!



14 year airliners.net vet! 2000-2013
User currently offlinesw733 From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 6324 posts, RR: 9
Reply 24, posted (8 months 2 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 1332 times:

Heard in the WN gate area at MCI, while an FLL-MCI-LAX flight was boarding: "Through passenger (XXXX) to Los Angeles, come back to the gate, you have gotten off at the wrong city".

How the hell does one confuse Kansas City with Los Angeles?

_______
Not an airport, please forgive me, but my wife and I were taking Amtrak from Kansas City to Chicago for Thanksgiving this year, and the announcement for the delayed train went "Please note that the delayed Southwest Chief to Chicago will NOT start boarding until AFTER it has arrived."

Seemed fairly obvious to me...


25 mhkansan : Probably the same way passengers end up in Manhattan, Kansas (MHK) looking for NYC!
26 CitationJet : They probably assumed they were on a non-stop flight out of FLL to LAX. When the plane landed, they got off. True story: My wife worked ticket counte
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