Cancidas From Poland, joined Jul 2003, 4112 posts, RR: 12 Reply 1, posted (9 years 10 months 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 6534 times:
i have aviation jokes....
when a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
the only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire.
if you can't afford to do something right, then be damn sure you can afford to do it wrong.
just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral be held on a sunny day.
i hope to either take up a parachute or stay out of single engine airplanes at night.
never fly the 'a' model of anything.
keep thy airspeed up, lest the earth come from below and smite thee.
when a crash seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.
always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket
the cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
a pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its limit.
if you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
if an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. ride the bastard down.
though i fly through the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil for i am at 80,000 feet and climbing
(sign over the SR-71operatons area at kadena AB, okinawa)
you’ve never been lost until you've been lost at mach 3
(paul f crickmore)
the emergencies you train for almost never happen. it’s the one that you can't train for that kills you.
if you want to grow old as a pilot, you've got to know when to push it and when to back off.
never fly in the same cockpit as someone braver than you.
there is no reason to fly through thunderstorms in peacetime.
life is simple. eat, sleep, fly.
the three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. the night carrier landing is one of the few chances to experience all three at the same time.
a DC-9 captain attempts to check out the glass cockpit of an A-320. now he knows what a dog feels like watching tv.
it takes only two things to fly. airspeed and money.
what is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
if a pilot screws up, the pilot does.
if atc screws up, the pilot does.
it’s better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head in to the ground.
the difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that a jet engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.
a copilot is a knot-head until (s)he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o’clock, after which (s)he a goof-off for not seeing it earlier.
without ammo the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: “you’ve got to land here son, this is where the food is.”
new FAA motto: “we’re not happy ‘till you’re not happy”
you begin flying with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the bag of luck runs out.
pilots, like many things in life, pilots only get better with age.
any idiot can get an airplane off the ground, but an aviator earns his keep by bringing it back anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances.
what are the 3 most useful things to a pilot?
1. the fuel you left on the ground
2. the air above you
3. the runway behind you
one day the pilot of a cherokee was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. the MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the cherokee. some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "what a cute little plane. did you make it all by yourself?" our hero the cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "i made it out of MD80 parts. another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
there's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." air raffic control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded
“flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "but center, we are at 35,000 feet. how much noise can we make up here?" "sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
"...cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home."
Vio From Canada, joined Feb 2004, 1348 posts, RR: 9 Reply 3, posted (9 years 10 months 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 6509 times:
A Cessna 150 was holing short.
Tower: Cessna Romeo Kilo Bravo, wind 360 @ 5, cleared for take-off Rwy 27. Follow noise abatment procedures.
RKB: Tower, Romeo Kilo Bravo, sir we are Cessna 150. What do you mean follow noise abatment procedures? We're not that loud.
Tower: Romeo Kilo Bravo, that's correct, but it'll get very loud once that 747 Havy on Final will hit you.
A British Airways Boeing 757 just landed at Berlin and once he cleared the runway he stoped to double check his directions, to taxi to the gate. The German Controler, impacient, quickly got on his @ss.
Berlin Ground: Speedbird 757, why are you stopping?
BA: I'm just double checking...
Berlin Ground: Have you never been to Berlin Before?
BA: I have, in 1944, in a different Boeing, but we never stopped.
ok, that's about it (excuse the poor technical side of things..)
Superior decisions reduce the need for superior skills.
Cancidas From Poland, joined Jul 2003, 4112 posts, RR: 12 Reply 5, posted (9 years 10 months 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 6468 times:
vio, i know of the ones you're talkin' about. some of the details got lost in translation, here they are the way i heard them:
while taxiing at laguardia the crew of a us air flight departing for ft. lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a united 727.
the irate female ground controller lashed out at the us air crew, screaming: "us air 2771, where are you going? i told you to turn right onto charlie taxiway! you turned right on delta! stop right there. i know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between c’s and d's, but get it right!" continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "god, you’ve screwed everything up! it'll take forever to sort this out! you stay right there and don't move ‘till i tell you to! you can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and i want you to go exactly where i tell you, when i tell you, and how i tell you! you got that, us air 2771?"
"yes ma'am,” the humbled crew responded.
naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of us air 2771. nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "wasn’t i married to you once?"
the controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
the pilot of the 727 complained, "don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
without missing a beat the controller replied, "roger, give me four thousand dollars’ worth."
a dc-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
san jose tower: "american 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. if unable, take the guadalupe exit off highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
it was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a piper malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at kansas city.
kc approach: "malibu three-two charlie, you’re following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Frontiers4ever From United States of America, joined Dec 2003, 173 posts, RR: 0 Reply 7, posted (9 years 10 months 3 days ago) and read 6310 times:
A blonde is on her way to Hollywood. She decides to grab the first seat that she see's. Well about 5 minutes later a business man approaches his seat. One problem, the blonde is sitting in his first class seat. The business asks her to go to her seat and leave his. She says "But im going to Hollywood to become a big star." The business man says thats great but this is my seat I payed for it and im tired can you please leave this seat. She once again said "But im going to Hollywood to become a big big star." So the business man approaches a flight attendent. And the Flight attendent tries and has the same answer said to her. The flight attendent gets the head flight attendent and the same answer from the blonde is said. The head flight attendent gets the captain. And the captain tries something different. He wispers into her ear. That very second the blonde springs up and runs to the back of the plane. The Flight attendents and the business man are amazed. They ask the Captain what he said to the blonde. The Captain said to the blonde "I simply explained to the women that this part of the airplane isnt going to Hollywood its going to Paris."
Skytrain From Canada, joined Jan 2004, 297 posts, RR: 7 Reply 9, posted (9 years 10 months 2 days 23 hours ago) and read 6271 times:
A C-5 Galaxy touched down and then proceeded to clear the active. It taxied past a commercial Boeing 747-400 that was holding short awaiting takeoff. Knowing how much larger his aircraft was than the 744, the Galaxy captain keyed the mic, "Hey little buddy," he began, trying to hold back his laughter, "what's your gross?" Without missing a beat and not to be out done, the 744 captain keyed his mic and replied coolly "A little over two hundred grand a year, how about you?"
Can't remember where I heard this one so I apologize if I'm stealing your joke! But it's a good one anyways!
Cheers - Skytrain.
At the end of the day we are likely to be punished for our kindnesses...
Fritzi From United Arab Emirates, joined Jun 2001, 2762 posts, RR: 2 Reply 12, posted (9 years 10 months 2 days 19 hours ago) and read 6091 times:
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
''What are you doing tonight?'' asked the Air France co-pilot of the pilot. ''You coming out for drinks?''
''No, I'm just going to crash at the hotel.''
747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.
A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.
Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did.
The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German doctor replied, “Nein, Ve do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “Ve tink you trying to escape!”
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.
"Good Lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order!
Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. Most of the passengers seemed to feel better on hearing this, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the front of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crewmember attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said, "Yes, they are."
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're just going to get help."
Things You Don't Want to Hear in the Airport
10.) ''We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at twenty dollars.''
9.) ''I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.''
8.) ''Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know it's origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase.''
7.) ''Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME''
6.) ''I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package.''
5.) ''Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed.''
4.) ''For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulance', a common by-product of 'air travel'. Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed.''
3.) ''Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting.''
2.) ''We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila.''
1.) ''This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, SH*T!''