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Top Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear In A Plane.  
User currently offlineJuniorSpotter From Sweden, joined Mar 2004, 225 posts, RR: 2
Posted (11 years 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 13575 times:

Okay, so I'm bored. Everything's messing with me at work...so I need to let off some steam with some aviation related humor.

Top ten things you DON'T want to hear in a plane:

10. "Whoop, whoop! Pull up!"
9. "I wonder what this button does..."
8. "Ten bucks says I CAN land on top of that mountain."
7. "Zzzzzzzzzz..."
6. "Uhm...this is your captain speaking. Could everyone please flap your arms...?"
5. "Man, it's hot in here...open the door?"
4. "Let's chicken-race that triple-seven!"
3. "To start, press any key...where's the any-key?"
2. "This is your stewardess speaking...does anyone of you know how to fly?"
1. "Hiiiii, evrrybody!" - "Hi, captain Nick!"  Laugh out loud

I told you I was bored. Now come on...I know you wanna...


If something can go wrong, it will.
103 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
User currently offlineAkumas From Australia, joined Jan 2004, 434 posts, RR: 2
Reply 1, posted (11 years 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 13522 times:

Pfft, you're not bored..... I'll show you bored.

There's a typo in your signature. $10 who can find it.

User currently offlineJuniorSpotter From Sweden, joined Mar 2004, 225 posts, RR: 2
Reply 2, posted (11 years 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 13496 times:

Hey Akumas!

Say...do you want my account number?  Big thumbs up


If something can go wrong, it will.
User currently offlineACEregular From United Kingdom, joined Aug 2003, 676 posts, RR: 1
Reply 3, posted (11 years 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 13471 times:

This goes hand in hand with the CV990 thread which I replied to and relates to a flight from PMI to NCL in 1989. We had been delayed at PMI for around 5/6 hours with no word as to why. When we finally boarded the TEA UK 737-200 and took off, the pilot announced over the PA the reason for the delay was that the aircraft had an engine failure during its previous take off and had to sit at BHX while they inspected it and fitted a part. Not something I was keen to hear!

User currently offlineMotorhussy From New Zealand, joined Mar 2000, 3483 posts, RR: 9
Reply 4, posted (11 years 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 13377 times:

"Would any passengers who had the Shrimp Cocktail please make yourselves known to your cabin staff!"

And of course you'd also managed to pursuade your neighbour she didn't really want hers.

But the least pleasant is when one of the cabin staff who's been confined in the lower deck galley too long comes careering out of the lift screaming "We're all going to die! We're all going to die!" and then tries to open an emergency exit.

come visit the south pacific
User currently offline757KSLC From United States of America, joined Oct 2003, 233 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13334 times:

Person with a window seat: "Weren't there TWO engines on that wing when we took off?"


"Is my window supposed to be cracking like this?"

"That wasn't flying! That was falling with style!" Woody, Toy Story.
User currently offlineJuniorSpotter From Sweden, joined Mar 2004, 225 posts, RR: 2
Reply 6, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13298 times:

Oh yeah...forgot one!

"Uh-oh...I think I've got the runs...!"  Smile/happy/getting dizzy

If something can go wrong, it will.
User currently offlineWing From Turkey, joined Oct 2000, 1583 posts, RR: 23
Reply 7, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13260 times:

The only thing I wouldn't want to hear when I am flying,when the cabin attendant cames into the cockpit and says "Captain we are out of cofee" What a nightmare it should be....

follow me on my facebook page" captain wing's journey log"
User currently offlineAca330 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 146 posts, RR: 2
Reply 8, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13249 times:

"Brace for impact !!"
would kind suck too huh ?

User currently offlineAkumas From Australia, joined Jan 2004, 434 posts, RR: 2
Reply 9, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13197 times:

Hehe Junior Spotter  Laugh out loud

No thanks  Smile

But, you have made a good topic here - better then some of the trash around here  Smile

User currently offlineHoons90 From Canada, joined Aug 2001, 3166 posts, RR: 52
Reply 10, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13176 times:

LOL at number 1. Dr. Nick must be one of the most hilarious characters from the Simpsons..

The biggest mistake made by most human beings: Listening to only half, understanding just a quarter and telling double.
User currently offlineJuniorSpotter From Sweden, joined Mar 2004, 225 posts, RR: 2
Reply 11, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13133 times:

That's alright...I'll just look you up the next time I visit Australia, and you'll buy me a beer, deal?  Big grin
It's good to see that a newbie like me can brighten up the day for some people.  Smile

I almost wish they'd make a show dedicated to Dr. Nick...he's just too cool!

If something can go wrong, it will.
User currently offlineDIJKKIJK From France, joined Jul 2003, 1851 posts, RR: 4
Reply 12, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13130 times:

Here are some more

"I wish all these planes had those mid air refuelling things"

"Isn't it amazing what little training you need these days to fly one of these things"

"The manual, the manual, where the F**K is the manual?"

"My plumber siamese twin-brother takes my place sometimes"

Never argue with idiots. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience.
User currently offlineBofredrik From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (11 years 1 day ago) and read 13118 times:

"All the lavatories will now be closed. We have 7 hours left on our flight from London. Sit down and think of other things. As a compensation will we serve free champagne to all passengers. Magnum bottles."

User currently offlineNudelhirsch From Germany, joined Oct 2003, 1438 posts, RR: 18
Reply 14, posted (11 years 23 hours ago) and read 12984 times:

I suggest to add these to the list:

- Captain over PA: "Anyone out there have some to smoke I can buy? Got
mine taken away during drug-testing this morning?"
- Songs from Britney Spears or
- my brother's burps (might end embarassing...could be fun after some beers
- Ladies and Gentlemen, we have to divert... (had it before, not very nice and
welcome words...)
- "Sir, Your Mom told us, to only serve the vegetarian meal to You"

Putana da Seatbeltz!
User currently offlineSQ25J From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 308 posts, RR: 0
Reply 15, posted (11 years 23 hours ago) and read 12839 times:

Actual Words from Cockpit of CO flight DCA-EWR early 1999:

"Ladies and gentleman....your not going to believe this....", captain proceeded to say that we did not have proper takeoff clearance as EWR was not accepting arrival due to WX...he proceeded to say we would turnback to DCA-than said ATC would makeup for their "screwup" and let us proceed to EWR, except we would have to wait approx 2 hours to land, thus circling. Ultimately we landed approx an hour after takeoff. I wonder what really happened and what was done after the fact-this seemed fairly serious to me and shouldn't have happened!

User currently offlineBartond From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 791 posts, RR: 3
Reply 16, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12764 times:

"There's more buttons here than it shows in this manual..."

User currently offlineJhooper From United States of America, joined Dec 2001, 6206 posts, RR: 11
Reply 17, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12745 times:

I'm going to answer this before reading any of the other replies. We'll see how close I came to the rest of you.


10. No standing in line for the potty
9. We will be entering a holding pattern for awhile / Sorry we're delayed, hopefully we're holding your connection for you
8. Thunderstorms / High winds at departure or destination airport
7. Severe turbulence
6. Ground Stop
5. Emergency
4. Windshear
3. Hijack!
2. Bomb!
1. FIRE!

Last year 1,944 New Yorkers saw something and said something.
User currently offlineN6376m From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12733 times:




User currently offlineAirKas1 From Netherlands, joined Dec 2003, 4044 posts, RR: 55
Reply 19, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12701 times:

"Look mommy, there goes the tail!"

User currently offlineSebolino From France, joined May 2001, 3708 posts, RR: 4
Reply 20, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12700 times:

"Don't panic"


User currently offlineUltrapig From United States of America, joined Dec 2003, 596 posts, RR: 0
Reply 21, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12615 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Y's kadal v' yis ka dal.... (the kadish prayer for the dead in Hebrew!)

User currently offlineCVG777 From United States of America, joined May 2000, 1251 posts, RR: 5
Reply 22, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12510 times:

Oh my God! The autopilot is deflating!  Laugh out loud

User currently offlineSK973 From Sweden, joined Mar 2004, 327 posts, RR: 1
Reply 23, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12505 times:

LOL JuniorSpotter

I've actually had to say that while sitting in the middle seat(F i think) on a Qantas 744 between SIN and FRA...

I've never seen anyone move out of their seat as fast as my neighbour! LOL Big grin

User currently offlineCaptjetblast From Argentina, joined Aug 2001, 281 posts, RR: 0
Reply 24, posted (11 years 22 hours ago) and read 12447 times:

A desperate voice comes in the intercom:

Any pilot among the passengers?

25 StevenUhl777 : Runway? Dirt road? Awww...what's the difference. It's flat ground, ain't it? Let's land on it anyway.
26 Post contains images SA006 : "Ladies and gentlemen.....we will be ditching the aircraft." "If you look out to the left of the aircraft you will see another aircraft on fire" "Ladi
27 Post contains images N6376m : Captjetblast - I would love to hear that. I think every private pilot has dreamt of that moment where they're called up to save the day. -76M
28 Post contains images Cricri : "AWWWWWWWWW SHIT" coming out from the cockpit
29 CanadianNorth : #5 "$5 says we can land there" #4 "Tower, we might have a bigger problem than we thought" #3 "Hi everybody, I'll be filling in for your captain today
30 ACES320 : In the way to LHR and after 12 hours flying, the captain in the intercom "Dear passengers welcome to Kazakhstan International Airport ALA, the current
31 EZYAirbus : 1- Brace Brace Brace 2- That oil I can smell burning?
32 Post contains images TypeRated : F/A to me: "What would you like to drink sir?" Me: "A Gin and Tonic, Ma'm" F/A" "Here you go sir" (hands me Gin & Tonic minus the lime) Me: "Would yo
33 Post contains images Flyingbronco05 : Top ten things you DON'T want to hear in a plane: 10. "Whoop, whoop! Pull up!" Uh, actually I DO want to hear that. Well I don't. I would rather hear
34 PresRDC : A crying baby. I need to say something else, so my message is of "a higher value to the topic at hand." Hope this counts.
35 7E7 : "Would any passengers who have experience in Flight Simulator, make yourselves known to the cabin staff!"
36 Bofredrik : The cockpit door is open and i am sitting on the first row. Can easy look in and also hear... after landing: Captain: "That was a VERY short runway."
37 Post contains links Zak : http://www.metacannibal.net/assets/dontwannahear.mp3 stuff i dont want to hear!
38 XJRamper : "Welcome to SWA FL#XXX, we are going to play a game..." Actual announcement to Chicago EX flight from Toledo to MDW: "um...ladies and gentlemen....we
39 United4ever : "Welcome to China Air Lines flight number..." Mike
40 Henpol747 : Houston: We have a problem!!!!
41 Boeing767mech : The following things I would hate to hear on a airplane. Hi do you ever go to that website Airliners.net??? I see you work for this airline. Do you li
42 LTBEWR : - Uh-oh, we landed at the wrong airport. (has happened!) - We expect turbulance throughout all the rest of our 5 hour flight today, so you will have t
43 InnocuousFox : "Would any passengers who have experience in Flight Simulator, make yourselves known to the cabin staff!" That would be OK by me!
44 Jmc1975 : The flight attendants saying, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
45 StevenUhl777 : "All of you can swim, right?" "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines" "I can land this thing...I mean, if a flight attendant can lan
46 Juanchie : "Nah, im not a pilot.... But I did stay at a Holliday Inn express last night."
47 LVZXV : "Hey, where's the wing gone?" "Boy, it's hot in here!" "Why's it so cold all of the sudden?" "Where did all the passengers go?" "Why's the ground gett
48 Post contains images Airsicknessbag : "Hi, Jack!" Daniel
49 Moolies : I have bad luck with airline. From loosing my stuf and telling me its a dangerous weapn we can not transport it or u so sorry. To my gran mother being
50 Chris78cpr : "Mommy, what is that eagle doing looking in our engine???" "Mommy, why is the engine spitting fire" "Mommy, why can i see the ground already" Lol, the
51 ERJ : "Hey, what's that mountain goat doing up here in the clouds??" From Denis Leary, "uh, folks, this is your captain... smoke 'em if you got 'em." Tower:
52 Prebennorholm : - Any passengers carrying Skydrol as carry-on, please report on the flight deck immediately. - This button worked yesterday. How is switch to alternat
53 Spike : How did you make it to the airport on time.... hic,....
54 Kempa : The worst I heard was in a GIG-JFK flight about ten years ago. The GIG-MIA flight was delayed, and half the passengers going to MIA were put in the GI
55 Post contains images Leskova : What I wouldn't want to hear... at least not again: "Say, how much did you pay for this flight?"... I told the guy not to ask, I explicitly told him t
56 Spike : Ladies and gentelmen, we will be shortly arriving in the United States of America. (Please hand over all photographic equipment as these may be used i
57 Skyguy : "Are we there yet?"
58 L.1011 : LOL everyone. "Attention passengers, can you please check for me to make sure each wing still has 2 engines?"
59 YEGspotter : On an extremely long flight: "Attention passengers. I'm sorry to inform you that all lavatories are out of order...."
60 Yanksn4 : "Hold it steady Laura." (heard the pilot say that on a united airlines flight from denver to los angeles (747-400) a few years back, everyone cracked
61 OmShanti : I NEVER want to be told by a terrorist, "It's going to be OK..stay in your seats." That should be the point when everyone jumps the lowlife. OmShanti
62 Spike : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
63 Lehpron : Both oif the following are heard thoughout the cabin "our pilot used to be a sub captain and he's screaming DIVE DIVE DIVE!" -or- loud popping sound p
64 Post contains images 747buff : So, what happens if you are on a plane and you say hi to your friend whose name is Jack?
65 Post contains images Flyingbronco05 : "Is the landing gear down?" I would want to hear that too. It means they are going over the checklist. FB05
66 Bicoastal : 1. "Hi, y'all, welcome to Southwest Airlines. Because we don't have inflight entertainment like other airlines, your crew is going to sing, act silly
67 FlySC : From the Pilots: Is it supposed to do that? Hey what does this thing do? Hey watch this!!! I knew I shouldn't have had that last beer. You think we ca
68 Post contains images SNBA319 : Whilst sitting on an Avro..... "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this flight on the Airbus 319 to..." have experienced something similar...nearly went
69 Bsergonomics : When you're on a non-smoking flight... (quote from Dennis Leary) "Ladies and gentlemen, this is you're captain speaking. Look... er... Light 'em up 'c
70 Aer : On an extremely long flight: "Attention passengers. I'm sorry to inform you that all lavatories are out of order...." Has happened, once on an AA 737
71 Futureualpilot : "Ladies and gentlemen, this is you Captain speaking....Ive just woken up to find my First Officer asleep..." From the flight deck: (a lot of you have
72 Bubbinski : On a Triple - 7 over the Pacific: "Ladies and gentlemen, we had a minor oil pressure issue that has caused us to shut down #2 engine as a precaution.
73 Trekster : "Look what i have mummy" little kid in the aisle with the Throttle levers or Control coloum
74 Post contains images Aa757first : "Welcome aboard AirTran Airways." AAndrew
75 AlitaliaORD : "Malev airlines proudly welcomes you to Rockford, Illinois" AHHHHH!
76 Post contains images Flairport : things from the exit row: uh, how do I work this again? Ok...so I just pull this up (actually pulls it up and slide deploys)...yep, there we go. Now,
77 Post contains images Myk : "Ladies and Gentlemen, is there ONE or TWO Pilots on board ???"
78 Post contains images Akumas : Very good entertainment before I leave for school Good topic Junior! Hopefully there will be more replies when I get home.
79 Flashmeister : What we'll be dreading in the future after Microsoft purchases Honeywell's avionics group: Overheard on the PA system... "This program has performed a
80 Post contains links Redngold : http://www.geocities.com/bandimal/airports/trip_reports/triphell1.html Here's one... You're on a Saab 340, just backed out of the gate at DTW... "Ladi
81 FrequentFlyKid : Living in Cleveland and knowing what it's like to fly during a Midwestern thunderstorm I think I'd rather make the hour drive down 75 from DTW-TOL ins
82 ANA777Master : "What is that mountain goat doing up here?"
83 ArmitageShanks : "Alright, who farted?"
84 Lucky727 : "Ladies und Gentlemenn - ziss is your Kapten. Vee have had massiv engine failure und arr about too ditch in ze ocean. Vill all ze passengers who KNOW
85 UAL777 : "Why the hell is my yoke shaking?" "Boy, I sure had fun at the Mexican food festival last night." (From the two people with seatbelt extentions on eit
86 Nonrevman : As a nonrev who was just boarded on a very full flight by the skin of their teeth, you do not want to hear the door to the jetway being reopened after
87 ARCJET : "Our company purchased this DC-9 from Northwest Airlines"
88 Warren747sp : Anything in Arabic , or praising Allah!
89 Phatfarmlines : Top ten things I DON'T want to hear in a plane: 10) Anyone who farts 9) BOOM 8) Pilots: OH S**T!!!! 7) Engines shutting down inflight 6) Sound of teet
90 CMK10 : "We hope to see you aboard a future United Airlines flight again real soon"
91 Post contains images StevenUhl777 : "...we will be showing The Laggeliers as part of Steven King Month on Delta! Actually, the movie was called "The Langoliers"...but yeah, got the point
92 Flyinround731 : You never want to hear your pilot say this: Screw Atlanta, let's go find that Mars Observer! -Joe
93 FSPilot747 : I'd rather not hear an alarm clock going off in the cockpit. FSP
94 JetPower580 : This fuel gauge can't be right... :O Any loud popping noise from the rear of the aircraft... :O We don't serve those little Biscotti's anymore (Mesaba
95 Jfkviaphx : Number one... Nothing!!!
96 Post contains links and images Boeing4ever : Co-pilot: "Don't just get that wind screen clean...get it OXY-CLEAN!" View Large View MediumPhoto © Derek Pedley - AirTeamImages Pax: "Are you a
97 Post contains images JuniorSpotter : Holy...I forgot one! What I really wouldn't want to hear on a plane is... RICHARD SIMMONS!!! How could I forget? Cheers! Danny
98 Spike : Ladies and Gentelmen we have a security alert. We will be held beside this taxiway for the next foreseable future. You must stay calm and remain in yo
99 Wmupilot : anybody's famous last words: Captain: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
100 Stefandotde : @Warren 747sp: I don't want to hear racist conversation in planes :-p
101 Warren747sp : Yes, Stefandotde Just terrorist chat will be much better.
102 Post contains images 7E72004 : A baby crying---most of the time it means that it just went and the parents refuse to change the diaper. (happened to me on a flight from Philly to Fo
103 Spike : Never get a bulkhead seat!
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