Speedport From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 284 posts, RR: 0 Posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 3855 times:
Intelligence officials are now willing to admit what they have known for a while, terrorists are training cats to hijack aircraft. One insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, leaked that terrorists plan on using a total of five cats; one to breach the cockpit, two to attack the pilots and two more to hold the flight attendants at bay.
It is not known at this time if the cats will be of Middle Eastern origin.
Skeptics of the leak point to the impossibility of training cats to fly jet aircraft, yet other anonymous insiders, who have confirmed this threat to be in the planning stages, argue it is not impossible given that the cats will not have to take-off or land, just be able to control the jet in flight.
Calls to law enforcement officials, to verify if flight schools have received inquiries by cats to train on jet aircraft, were not returned by press time.
However, we were able to confirm that flight crews have been instructed to surreptitiously monitor the activity of on board cats.
One flight crew member had this to say "We are watching them (cats) for suspicious activity such as using the lavatories for extended periods of time, frequent trips to the lavatories by multiple ones (cats), huddling around the cockpit door, that kind of thing."
Another crew member, citing a recent press report, added "they (cats) are watching us, trying to find weakness in our operations."
Attempts to determine what special procedures, if any, the TSA plans to implement regarding cats are ongoing.
We will update you should further developments warrant.
SafetyDude From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 3795 posts, RR: 16 Reply 2, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 3788 times:
This has already been posted. The cat in question was most likely scared of the pilot, or it attacked for other reasons as mentioned in the original topic. There was no issue of terrorism in that situation.
Smcmac32msn From United States of America, joined May 2004, 2211 posts, RR: 5 Reply 4, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 3778 times:
Whats so funny about this? Its a reliable threat that I could see being carried out. I don't think this is funny, and I am very scared of this threat! Please don't laugh at me.
PS - I'm joking!!!
Nice post, gotta love these "threats"!
Hey Obama, keep the change! I want my dollar back.
Spacecadet From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 3251 posts, RR: 14 Reply 5, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3754 times:
Good example of this absurd 'terror' paranoia.....
What the hell is absurd about it? Only 3 years ago we had four planes hijacked and flown into various objects on the ground. Shortly afterwards we had a guy try to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoes. 3-4 years prior to this we had a confirmed plot (with several court convictions resulting) to blow up 10 international flights simultaneously.
And of course, thousands have died in successful bomb attacks aboard airliners over the years. Pan Am 103 is not the only airliner ever blown out of the sky with a bomb.
You really think it's absurd that we're worried about terrorism on airliners? You really think there will never be another terrorist attack involving airliners? You're living in fantasy land if that's what you think.
I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
Smcmac32msn From United States of America, joined May 2004, 2211 posts, RR: 5 Reply 7, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3715 times:
Don't look now but this thread suddenly became serious. ***sigh***
Somebody always has to think its serious and tell us about how bad we are to talk about such things as "When Cats Attack: Smuggled on Aircraft".
Hey Obama, keep the change! I want my dollar back.
SafetyDude From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 3795 posts, RR: 16 Reply 8, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3707 times:
SafetyDude please tell me your response is a joke. PLEASE.
It was not a joke.
Did a cat get into a cockpit? Yes.
Did 9/11 happen? Yes.
Are the two related? No.
For those of you who took the time to read the news report, there was no mention of terrorism and why someone decided to make a joke about something that does not exist (cats and terrorism) is beyond me.
XFSUgimpLB41X From United States of America, joined Aug 2000, 3952 posts, RR: 36 Reply 9, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3700 times:
I hear it is from the new terrorist organization "Al-Qitty."
Here is a picture from one of their training camps:
Flairport From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 10, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3682 times:
Urgant TSA announcment:
1) your cats will now have to be screened seperatly
2) if your cat gets the SSSSS, there will be additional screening
3) there will now be manditory cat toys in the cockpit, this will divert the cats attention and, thus, the Air Marshalls will be able to catch the cat!
Smcmac32msn From United States of America, joined May 2004, 2211 posts, RR: 5 Reply 12, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3668 times:
To the picture in reply 9: NOW WE KNOW WHO SHOT KENNEDY!
Hey Obama, keep the change! I want my dollar back.
OB1504 From United States of America, joined Jul 2004, 2966 posts, RR: 8 Reply 13, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3656 times:
My cats say that they have nothing to do with it. They are of American origin, but have a rather wide knowledge of the holes in the TSA security system, not only that, but they keep putting their cat food in the shape of the Miami International Airport terminal. Oh, well.
I've just come up with a great idea: catproof vests! They're like bulletproof vests but they are filled with catnip to stop the cat from scratching you and diverting it. I'll make a fortune!
XFSUgimpLB41X From United States of America, joined Aug 2000, 3952 posts, RR: 36 Reply 14, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3638 times:
I just got an Alert Bulletin, now required all pilots to carry catnip in our flight kits.
Smcmac32msn From United States of America, joined May 2004, 2211 posts, RR: 5 Reply 15, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 3633 times:
They are of American origin, but have a rather wide knowledge of the holes in the TSA security system, not only that, but they keep putting their cat food in the shape of the Miami International Airport terminal. Oh, well.
Thats odd, my cat keeps setting up SFO and then taking one swift swipe and knocking it all over the floor.... it also knows quite a bit about different a/c. But she's of American origin, so she can't be involved. She will get that extra screening and have to check her back claws at the gate though!
Hey Obama, keep the change! I want my dollar back.
OB1504 From United States of America, joined Jul 2004, 2966 posts, RR: 8 Reply 16, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 3536 times:
Latest reconnaissance photos from the TSA...
As you can see, the cats are currently sitting idle due to the fact that they are being suspected of being behind the SN Brussels attack. But word has it that they are planning on commandeering a cargo airplane departing either MIA or SFO, as evidenced by the cat food signs, since there are less people to restrain them when they access the cockpit, and there are no Air Marshals. Meow will rise again. Â And there is nothing that we can do to stop it. The above cats have the power to make a barking dog thrice their size to run for their lives, and you really don't want to see what happens when a cat has to defend itself. (Ouch!)
EDIT: Unfortunately the last photo is not viewable due to the fact that the site that hosts the image has been sabotaged by Al-Qitty. Oh, god, the cats are armed with AK47s now. Oh no, oh no, Ahhhhhh!!!!
Speedport From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 284 posts, RR: 0 Reply 17, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 3452 times:
Thanks for all of your light-hearted posts. I especially like the picture of a member of "Al-Qitty" holding a rifle.
But, wait. This just in:
After filing the earlier story, I have received a directive from the TSA.
“In an effort to combat terrorist attacks by an organisation known as Al-Qitty, the TSA has enacted additional screening procedures at all of the nation’s airports. Starting immediately, all bottle caps with jagged edges are prohibited beyond security checkpoints.” In addition “balls of yarn, fabric – such as those used in the manufacture of furniture, mechanical items molded in the shape of a mouse and all forms of catnip” will be confiscated.
The TSA also warns that extra security measures such as “Distal phalanx (declawing), Ovariohysterectomy (spayed) and Castration (neutered) may become necessary.”
The reaction from the FCLU – Feline Civil Liberties Union – has been poignant.
“The FCLU strongly opposes the individual targeting processes recently announced by the TSA which are clearly directed toward those of Felis libyca and Felis manul decent. The stereotyping of cats by the government cannot be condoned because of the actions of one kitten.” The FCLU is considering legal action noting that “felines are genetically predisposed to the certain behavior.”
To avoid the appearance of racial profiling, the TSA intends to screen “all cats including, but not limited to, bobcats, mountain lions, leopards, tigers, lions, jaguars and cheetahs.
An additional area of concern is the tactic of placing cats in carry-on bags, a method onced practiced by travelers attempting to avoid paying a pet fee.
“The possible on-board smuggling of felines has prompted the TSA to announce the Feline Detection Canine Program (FDCP). This program will utilize specially bred canines coupled with sophisticated training techniques to reduce the potential of negative confrontations between the TSA and felines. The cost to taxpayer for this program is considered minimal.”
Official budget projections for this new program are difficult to come by, however, inside sources estimate the start up cost to be around $500 million with an annual budget of between $100 and $200 million. It is not known how the TSA intends to fund this program, but it is speculated that they will propose to levy a Feline Screening Departure Tax (FSDT) of $50 for each way of travel.
JGPH1A From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 18, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 3402 times:
RE: To avoid the appearance of racial profiling, the TSA intends to screen “all cats including, but not limited to, bobcats, mountain lions, leopards, tigers, lions, jaguars and cheetahs.
Typical ! This is Political Correctness gone MAD ! Clearly the threat comes from felix lybicus, everyone knows these cats have hated America for years, and yet innocent leopards and other jungle animals have to suffer the indignity of 'random' searches - its an outrage that a 90 year old former circus lion, star of several Tarzan films and a Mexican beer commercial, should be 'patted down' while sniggering Garfield-types are allowed to pass unharassed despite their obvious evil intent.
I tell you what though, I'll be keeping an eye on any cats travelling on flights I'm on, and will write very scary paranoid articles about them if they get up and go to the bathroom - you have been warned !
AirframeAS From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 14150 posts, RR: 26 Reply 19, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 3362 times:
You're kidding me, right? LOL I know you are.
Hell, you couldn't train a cat to sit, beg and roll over even if you tried.
A Safe Flight Begins With Quality Maintenance On The Ground.
OB1504 From United States of America, joined Jul 2004, 2966 posts, RR: 8 Reply 20, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 3244 times:
I don't think the dogs will work on my cats. As mentioned above they have been trained not to fear them, but despise them. Why they want to spay/neuter all cats before flight is beyond me (humans did all of the terrorist attacks, we haven't had to be spayed/neutered before flying, have we?) and the lines would be horrible. Then we'd have people without a college education operating on us. And then, besides the cat overpopulation problem, that solves nothing. It just gives them a reason to attack more people. Expect another cat attack to come...
EA CO AS From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 12559 posts, RR: 64 Reply 21, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 4 hours ago) and read 3051 times:
This just in - Federal Air Marshals are being issued squirt bottles and water pistols as a precautionary measure. More to follow.
"In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem - government IS the problem." - Ronald Reagan
Speedport From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 284 posts, RR: 0 Reply 23, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 23 hours ago) and read 1960 times:
I’m way ahead of you EA CO AS.
The FAA, acting under the authority of the International Security and Development Cooperation Act, has activated a special unit of the Federal Air Marshal (FAM) program. The unit’s mission, known as the Feline Division, or FAM-F, is to protect an aircraft’s cabin, and cockpit, from sudden prowling by errant felines.
“It has become clear that the cockpit is no longer safe from attack by radical elements of the feline culture,” said spokesman Moe Greenbacks of the FAA. “We intend to use every resource to prevent future incidents from occurring.”
When asked why current air marshals are not sufficient to secure an aircraft against threats involving cats, Mr. Greenbacks countered “The threat posed by fringe members of the cat family cannot be ignored. No amount of money spent is too great to ensure the safety of air travel.”
Details of how these additional air marshals plan to operate is a closely guarded secret. Insiders speculate that the kitty kops, as they have come to be known, will position themselves in first class to better protect the cockpit. Inquiries as to why FAM-Fs were spotted sitting in first class on 747s, and not in the upper deck where the cockpit is located, were not returned. Rumors over the use of sleeper seats run rampant.
According to Mr. Greenbacks FAM-Fs are equipped with “the latest technology in hydro suppression delivery devices. The operation of each device is highly complex and requires intensive training.”
Heated debate has arisen over arming pilots with such devices.
“It’s not just a matter of training,” cited one insider, “protective measures must be taken to store dangerous armaments such as these in the cockpit. Imagine what would happen if cabin cleaners were to accidentally discover such a weapon and mistake it for a spray bottle.”
Blackbird1331 From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 1892 posts, RR: 0 Reply 24, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 23 hours ago) and read 1793 times:
I do not believe this thread was not pulled.
Cameras shoot pictures. Guns shoot people. They have the guns.
25 Kim777fan: "I do not believe this thread was not pulled." I certainly hope not!! That would be CATastrophic or CATaclysmic. We need some humor around here or thi
26 Starlionblue: The CAT's out of the bag now. There's no stopping this CATspiracy of evil!
27 Whitehatter: Hot from CNN (CatNipNews) Armed forces have seized the ringleader of the network, Osama Bin Tabby at a training camp in Thailand for Siamese terrorist
28 EA CO AS: I’m way ahead of you EA CO AS. My bad - I scrolled down so fast that I didn't notice your post. Loved it!
29 Tom in NO: To avoid the appearance of racial profiling, the TSA intends to screen “all cats including, but not limited to, bobcats, mountain lions, leopards, t
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From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 284 posts, 
From Ireland, joined Jul 2003, 4977 posts, 
Its a reliable threat that I could see being carried out. I don't think this is funny, and I am very scared of this threat! Please don't laugh at me. 
From Hong Kong, joined Feb 2004, 15870 posts, 
From , joined Dec 1969, posts, 
And there is nothing that we can do to stop it. The above cats have the power to make a barking dog thrice their size to run for their lives, and you really don't want to see what happens when a cat has to defend itself. (Ouch!)
From , joined Dec 1969, posts, 
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