Trolley Dolley From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 9190 times:
I've noticed in this forum some negative lines regarding airlines. However, I'd like to focus on the positive as I've had quite a few laughs in my time in the sky.
In SQ economy, a very by the book airline.
Me: "May I have a bacardi and coke, please?"
SQ Girl: "Certainly,sir." -She pours the drink and holds it up- "One standard airline measure."
Then she gives a me wink and pours a extra generous serving of bacardi. All she said with a cheeky smile was "Opps, turbulence! Enjoy."
CX Business class with a charming stewardess named Doreen.
3 of us blokes going to Hong Kong for work.
Doreen: "So gentlemen, may I ask why you are visiting Hong Kong?"
Us; "Oh, for work, but we hope to have bit of fun as well."
Doreen. "Well remember this..." and she produced a bottle of vintage French champange and started to pour "Hong Kong is for business, but now is for pleasure." she purred.
Me arrived harried and late at the check-in desk on a non refundable, non changeable ticket after the flight has closed.
"Am I late for my flight?"
The agent consults the computer and smiles "No sir, you're just very early for the flight you're going to catch. We'll be happy to change you over."
At the end of the day it's the people who make the airline industry, isn't it? Happy flying everyone.
SafetyDude From United States, joined Sep 2001, 3795 posts, RR: 23 Reply 1, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 9040 times:
"Am I late for my flight?"
The agent consults the computer and smiles "No sir, you're just very early for the flight you're going to catch.
That is certainly my favorite of the ones you listed, and certainly beats all of the nasty remarks you could have gotten.
Here is one from me:
At the back galley of a VS 343 from LHR-JFK:
(To FA) "Hi, I am really into civil aviation and I am wondering if I could take pictures of the galley for my own personal collection - nothing that is going to be sold or posted on the internet."
FA: "Oh, well, I do not think that we are supposed to allow that, but you know, why not? Go for it!"
Skyhawk From United States, joined May 2001, 1057 posts, RR: 5 Reply 2, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 12 hours ago) and read 8979 times:
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for finally starting a positive topic. Even when some of our members have tried to have such negative thoughts there have been a few positives but to have someone start such positives, well it is truly a pleasure! Once again thank you so much for me, my husband and the millions of us around the world.
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Heard a couple somewhere else too
One involved Pete Sampras apparently. His flight was cancelled and the gate agent was working through a long line of people to try and get everyone re-accommodated. He storms past the queue and demands that they sort him out immediately. She apologises and says that she will work through the queue in order and will try not to keep him too long. He comes out with the immortal "Do you know who I am?" Cool as anything, she lifts the microphone and says " Ladies and Gentlemen. We have a passenger in the gate area with severe amnesia. Should anyone wish to claim this passenger, please approach the desk." He storms off! LOL
The final one I read somewhere...
At the end of the flight.... " Thank you for flying with us today. Please remember, no-one enjoys taking you for a ride as much as we do."
LX23 From United Kingdom, joined Aug 2004, 344 posts, RR: 4 Reply 6, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 10 hours ago) and read 8808 times:
Actually, on a FlyBe flight SOU-GVA, the cabin crew did a bit of a Southwest-type of safety announcement that went something like:
"On behalf of Captain XXX and the rest of the crew, we would like to welcome u aboard...We would like to remind you that this is a non-smoking flight... In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children,you should probably start thinking now about which one of them you love more.Oh, and it will STILL be prohibited to smoke on the flight..."
JFKLGAflyer From United States, joined Jul 2004, 82 posts, RR: 0 Reply 7, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 8668 times:
I think my personal all-time favorite is: "Song would like to be the first to welcome you to New York's Kennedy Airport. If New York is not your final destination....too bad, because this is this flight's terminating point."
Shortly behind that is the "pre-take off meditation" that Song reads over the intercom. If any of you have flown Song recently, you know what I mean... It goes something like: "In hale pink... Exhale blue.... And if you think this is corny, well... it is."
I didn't actually hear an F/A say this, but I read a story about an AA F/A and a man in 1st class: Not one second after he boarded he barked, "Hey waitress! Bring me a gin and tonic!" The F/A responded by saying, "I'm sorry, sir, but you've missed your flight." The man looked puzzled and said, "Huh?" The F/A said, "This is not the 'Hey-you-gimme' flight; this is the "would you-please-thank you" flight." Apparently the passenger changed his tune right there and turned into a "would you-please-thank you" 1st class passenger after that.
"Life's a journey, not a destination..." --Aerosmith
Dtwclipper From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 8, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 8655 times:
Oh, I forgot one:
On behalf of New York Air and your entire flight crew I would like to be the first to welcome you to scenic Newark New Jersey, the Paris on the Passaic.
JFKLGAflyer From United States, joined Jul 2004, 82 posts, RR: 0 Reply 9, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 8638 times:
Oh... one other that I heard at BWI:
"This is the final boarding call for Southwest flight ____ to Saint Louis with continuing service to Dallas. All ticketed and confirmed passengers should report to Gate ___ for boarding at this time. Again, this is the FINAL CALL.... We do love you, but we will leave you."
Sorry for the double-dip.
"Life's a journey, not a destination..." --Aerosmith
SafetyDude From United States, joined Sep 2001, 3795 posts, RR: 23 Reply 10, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 8621 times:
Here is one I heard:
"Ladies and gentlemen, at this time the forward boarding door has been shut meaning that we are now en-route to St. Louis, and if you are supposed to go to St. Louis, you are now."
There were some funny ones from VS, but I will see if I can find them.
Mats From United States, joined Jul 2003, 547 posts, RR: 2 Reply 11, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 8608 times:
The various Southwest jokes circulate online a great deal, but I heard a great one. Upon arrival at BWI:
"For those of you connecting to other Southwest flights here in Baltimore, be sure to check the video monitors in the terminal or with a Southwest representative. For those of you connecting to flights on other airlines, we really don't care."
4Left From United States, joined Mar 2004, 81 posts, RR: 1 Reply 13, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 8599 times:
An FA on Southwest to Midway said, "Last one off cleans the plane."
Iceland Air en route from Putna Cana to Boston as we approached a large Thunderstorm, "this is the captain, since we were delayed arriving, we've arranged for a fireworks display for you to make up for our tardiness. Please sit back enjoy and think of you national anthem."
TAESA to Los Cabo's from Philly, (In Bad English) Ladies and Seniors, we are late because a seniorita is as you like to say talking to earl on our jetway. Once she is complete we will wipe her and push back to her seat."
On North American from Boston to Aurba, diverting to Tampa, after a rather hard return to earth the FA announced,"Folks your teeth have announced we are now on the ground. The Captain says send your dental bills to him..."
Aboard UA from ORD to BOS, an angered FA said, "Folks we have a pilot, but no first officer, he's presently at base ops now and God willing he will be here before we all celebrate another birthday."
My favorite all time enroute from BOS to XXX,and I'll keep the Airline secret, "Ladies and Gentlemen once the honeymooners come up for air we can begin our decent into XXX."
Planes aren't busses, put service back into the air!
SafetyDude From United States, joined Sep 2001, 3795 posts, RR: 23 Reply 14, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 8523 times:
Here are some from a topic earlier this year:
VS046 in November 2003 (a night flight)
During the intro speech after take off: "...we would like to remind you that jump seats are only for the crew. I have yet to figure out why any of you would want to consider sleeping on the floor, but it is not allowed."
"We do ask that you fasten your seat belt over your blanket since we are required to check your seat belt should the fasten-seat-belt-sign go on at night, and I'm not sure who this would be more uncomfortable for: one of us, or you, waking up at two in the morning to find one of my colleagues going at your crotch in pursuit of your seat belt."
VS009 January 1st 2004 (LHR-JFK) "Ladies and gentlemen, we will be passing out immigration forms. Our flight is VS009 and we would like to remind you to write only in capital block letters, use only black or blue ink, do not scratch anything out, do not leave anything blank, and to fill out both sides of the forms as [pause, and in a very serious tone] immigration over here in the states is very [in a British accent] particular."
BIGBlack From United States, joined Aug 2004, 600 posts, RR: 0 Reply 15, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 8488 times:
I was on the second leg of a UA flight from Vegas back to boston through SFO. As the door shut the pilot came on the PA and said, "Welcome aboard! Here on United we are lucky enough to have 3 of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunely, there aren't on this flight, so you will have to settle for these 3."
It was very funny. Thre crew was having a good time and the whole flight and the paxs' enjoyed it. It wasn't at any point unprofessional, it was fun, and they made a point of actually mentioning they are going through hard times and they appreciate our business.
Jafa From United States, joined Aug 2003, 779 posts, RR: 6 Reply 16, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 8480 times:
Me on NWA.
From the flight deck: "Welcome to Detroit our gate will be occupied for another 5 minutes. Please stay seated until the seat belt sign is turned off"
Me from the cabin: "the good news is I saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Geico"
After landing in Ft. Meyers, I got on the PA and proundly annouced "welcome to Sarasota" after realizing my mistake I countered with "I bet youre glad I am not the pilot"
Fabled SW: after a delay at the gate. "Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry for the delay but the machine we normally use to destroy your bags is broken, so we are having to do it by hand."
Tango-Bravo From United States, joined Jun 2001, 3346 posts, RR: 38 Reply 17, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 8414 times:
My favorites are:
On a HP flight (MSP-PHX) as we were on approach for landing the captain's final words to the pax onboard were "...and if you have enjoyed our outstanding service from our superb cabin crew this evening, please tell your friends and neighbors and relatives and work assosiates about us. And if you haven't been completely satisfied with our service ...well, you're awefully hard to please!"
On a QX flight aboard a DH8 Q400 (FCA-SEA) the male FA, when making pax aware of the restroom location, also added a word of caution: "...and if you need to use the restroom, please be aware that it has room for about two-thirds of a person."
JET1977 From United States, joined May 2004, 61 posts, RR: 0 Reply 18, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 3 hours ago) and read 8119 times:
CXA330330...
" One hundred Jewish men standing up and praying simultaneoulsy is joke enough"
You might interpert that as being funny and entertaining, but it is offensive to myself and others to use someones religious practices as your basis for entertainment (Even you practive Judiasm yourself). I am requesting that in future posts you Do Not use religion as your bases for amusment.
Cessna 1-2-3 go around.... I say again.. GO AROUND!
NWAMSPFLYR From United States, joined Aug 2004, 18 posts, RR: 0 Reply 20, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 7948 times:
On my way back to school aboard a NWA DC9 (not a NWA DC-9 replacement thread), "Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf on this Minneapolis based crew, we would like to welcome you to a warm and beautiful Grand Forks, North Dakota were the local time is xxx (around 10 pm local) and current temperature of -17F." Current weather when we landed was RVR 1600, VV 300 Ft., and a BALMY -17F with a stiff north wind!! Gotta love North Dakota in January!
UA777222 From United States, joined Dec 2003, 2836 posts, RR: 17 Reply 21, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 7636 times:
Not exactly from the crew but still funny.
After a longhaul from FRA to LAX we were on approach and by the use of speed breaks at about 300ft I could tell that this was going to be a hard landing. The three old ladies infront of us were all "so so excited" to finally be home. I leaned over to my mom and said "hold on for this one" b/c we didn't set down too far after the piano keys. When I saw them pass and knew that we were at about 50ft I knew it was going to be hard.
The second after I had thrown a bit of fear into the mother the a/c hit HARD! (See topic "HARD LH744 lading") TV's all fell apart. The f/a had a "ok thank god this flight is over" to "This jumpseat is now permanently lodged up my butt".
When all was quiet we were informed of an injury in first class. The pilot came to the back to inspect the wing and engines from the window at which point one of the old ladies asked (Old people try so hard to be quiet but it just never works) "Caption, did we land or were we shot down by a missile?"
I couldn't help but laugh my @$$ off to that esp. b/c the lady kept a straight face.
Kick butt topic! I really need something like this today. Thanks a lot guys for the great story's!
Alitalia744 From United States, joined Mar 2000, 4319 posts, RR: 48 Reply 22, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 1 hour ago) and read 7601 times:
Some funny and not so funny ones!
Recent AZ flight over heard a conversation on AZ 607 EWR-MXP..
F/A: Sir what is this
Passenger: A Baby Seat
F/A: NO allowed.
Passenger: They told me I could take it on the plane
F/A: Who told you?
Passenger: The lady at the gate
F/A: She doesn't know, she works for Delta.
Passenger: Aren't you partners?
F/A: Just because we're partners doesnt mean we have to like them.
ERJ170 From United States, joined Apr 2004, 5780 posts, RR: 22 Reply 23, posted (5 years 4 months 2 days 1 hour ago) and read 7536 times:
On a Continental Flight from RDU-EWR, the male F/A came on the loud speaker and said "This is Continental flight XXX to Newark, NJ. If this is not your flight, please exit the plane."
A few minutes later.. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Continental flight XXX to Newark, NJ. If this is not your flight, please exit the plane."
A few minutes later.. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Continental Flight XXX to Newark, NJ. If this is not your flight, it is now cause I have closed the door. Sit back, enjoy the ride, be ready to pay for your ticket when we land."
Ramerinianair From United States, joined Nov 2003, 1475 posts, RR: 1 Reply 24, posted (5 years 4 months 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 7062 times:
I heard a great one from a CO res agent. She said, "You are booked on flight ### from ISP to CLE. You have seat 1A on the ER3 that is operated by our wonderful Express Jet service."
I almost fell over. Anybody that flies these a/c regularly, knows how wonderful the service is!
SR
Corpsnerd09 From United States, joined Mar 2004, 448 posts, RR: 0 Reply 25, posted (5 years 4 months 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 6898 times:
Arriving at MIA on an AA from TPA, at the baggage claim area:
"Lady an Genolmen Wilkom to Miami City, dee malet that come from dee bags are from American Airlins vol XXX, and American vol XXX, plis to check bags on the number of your biyet and check bags to see it is good. Tank for with American flying and see you again" (insert really thick spanish accent)
I know it's wrong of me, but I laughed. I'm just wondering how this guy got a job working for AA with such limited English. I live in Miami, and I'm hispanic, but that just seems like an inconvinience to non-spanish speaking passengers with bag troubles.
If you really want to do it, you will find a way; if you don't, you'll make excuses.
26 UA777222: While on a friend's private Cessna Citation we boarded and the pilot came out and said, "Hello and welcome aboard. The use of cell phones is permitted
27 N9801F: One very good one from Southwest was before departure, "We like to let you choose your seat so that you are comfortable. But now it's departure time,
28 CFIjames: On one of Southwest's first flights out of PHL last may 9, among other one-liners: "Thank you for flying with us today, if you enjoyed your trip the f
29 DeltaAgent1: When an unruly customer says "I'll have your job", reply to them, oh, you would just love working for Delta, we meet the nicest people here.
30 An-225: While non-revving to Honolulu, I was prepared to have the worst seat on our high-density 777. I went to the counter and did my usual, and if possible,
31 AirEMS: On a flight from ORD-DEN on UAL after we had landed and arrived at the gate when the pilot turned off the "fasten seat belts" sign one of the Flight A
32 Tango-Bravo: While taxiing after landing at PHX on a Southwest flight, the FA was giving the usual announcements and added another that was anything but "the usual
33 Socalatc: Alaska Airlines MVP mileage plan member is checking in, puts the bag on the scale. The Agent says "your bag is over weight" The MVP says "Well Im an M
34 Lapper: On A VS flight from SFO-LHR when the plane was taxying to the gate "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are looking for volunteers to stay behind and clean the t
35 Victor: i heard a funny joke from my friend.. i dun know it is ture or not . on a cx flight . crews were getting ready for the 2nd meal service and my friend
36 Starlionblue: " One hundred Jewish men standing up and praying simultaneoulsy is joke enough" You might interpert that as being funny and entertaining, but it is of
37 CXoneWorld: There's one from DJ after the aircraft had landed: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Welcome to Perth. Please go ahead and claim back your virgin
38 Charlib52: The pilot on my AA flight from IAD to ORD a couple of years ago: "And be sure to keep your window shades open during taxi and takeoff so that as we pa
39 RCS763av: Song FA: "Welcome aboard Song, on behalf of us all serving you on this flight, we would like to wish you a nice stay in our destination, FLL. If you w
40 OttoPylit: I once worked at a station that was contracted to work NW Airlink flights. As much as I hated it, I was made to work them at the gate. While trying to
41 AA777223ER: On a recent flight JFK-LHR with a coach PAX seated in the very back of the plane: me: "Sir, would you care for dinner tonight?" PAX: "yes" me: "I apol
42 NYCAAer: Years ago, on a DC-10 en route to Aruba from JFK, with a senior male F/A who was a quick wit. He was picking up meal trays and asked a young female pa
43 Sllevin: A couple of months ago I heard a couple of gate agents working a Ted flight. One looks at the other and whispers (think "Sixth Sense" the movie here):
44 Silverfox: I did hear of a BA pilot ,who when landing at some third world airport, said. please turn your clocks back 100 years If anybody can clarify the airpor
45 S12PPL: While checking in a lady flying to LAX on QX. "I'd like to upgrade to first class." "I'm sorry, but we don't have a first class cabin on Horizon." "Wh
46 Lono: Couple I have heard,, After a very hard landing on a AS flight.... the kind where the oxygen masks all pop out... Captain comes on "Sorry for the hard
47 B777fa: This happened a while back on an A300 flight to AUA. There is this senior F/A who is known for his campyness and quick wit at the base and he was work
48 Trident3: On a BA flight from TLS to LGW " According to the song there are fifty ways to leave your lover, however in the event of an emergency there are only f
49 Dinker225: On a Virgin Blue flight in June from Melbourne to Adelaide. We landed and the head F/A was going about the welcome speeches. In Adelaide you must drop
50 QAntAsBoY: On a Virgin Blue flight from Sydney to Melbourne (Early 8am) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard DJxxx from Sydney to Melbourne. Today, we have two c
51 Exusair: Passenger seated in business class, F/A running meals out of the galley. On each trip up and down the aisle the passenger would ask for a drink refil
52 N6376m: I regularly fly through ATL from my home in GNV. The flights are typically on ATR72 or RJ. Returning home late night from a trip, I boarded the ATR an
53 LongHauler: I was sitting in the cockpit about 15 minutes before push, when I got a call from STOC. (Station operation control). "683 this is Toronto STOC" "yes,
54 NWADTWFA: Just after the boarding door closed on a 757, the lead flight attendant makes the usual announcement, "The boarding door is now closed, please remain
55 Starlionblue: On board a US Airways 737 waiting to take off at CLT. We were delayed taking off due to weather, but 2nd in line to go. We had waited about an hour on
56 UALPHLCS: First about 15 years ago when UA flew DC-10's to PHL and cell phones were a rarity, a man asked a UA agent why the PHL-ORD flight was delayed. "It's s
57 Ual777contrail: A lady checks in at the counter, asking what flight she is on was a trick question. After fumbling through papers she replies 447, I looked at her and
58 BeechNut: At check in, in Montreal on BOAC: a particularly rude passenger berates the agent for a delay caused by a snowstorm. The agent then quietly tags his b
59 Kjet12: Last year at HNL just before boarding my AA flight to LAX. CSR: "Passenger Kris ____ to the podeum" Me: "Yes?" CSR: "A family that was seated seperate
60 NoUFO: LH (who would have thought??) DUS (or MUC) - TXL, economy. Contrary to LH City Line, big mom Lufthansa does not serve wine in economy class: F/A: "Wha
61 Jalalabad: i think its weird for an f/a to be 'sassy' to a pax. aren't you getting paid to do a job? it's disgraceful, and an abuse of power.
62 Cha747: Heard on a US flight from CLT-CHA upon arrival to CHA, a few hours late, about 17 years ago: "Welcome to Chattanooga where the local time is (about) 1
63 Grude1087: Around USAir, it was said that staffers had been circulating the story of an employee last-named Gay who boarded a USAir flight with a non-revenue tic
64 Ramerinianair: Great Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AA777233ER, Wow, some people are amazing-that was a good responce!! What was his reaction?? SR
65 Geoffm: Yes, there are some great lines there. Wonder how many are actually true?! Large pinch of salt required in some cases. Geoff M.
66 NWAFA: Exusair, You have to finish that story! The "poop your a pile of shit" was my friend (a MEM f/A)...that passenger when he landed called NWA, which the
67 SupraZachAir: i think its weird for an f/a to be 'sassy' to a pax. aren't you getting paid to do a job? it's disgraceful, and an abuse of power. Grude1087: That one
68 Redngold: Don't know if these have been posted yet... During safety talk (probably WN): "If you are traveling with a child or someone acting like a child..." "T
69 Cvgbear: When living in SAN, I fly Southwest to PHX with several friends and one of our more flambouyant friends was "mocking" our flight attendant's safety ro
70 BeechNut: The best ever line that happened to me (pre 9/11). I was flying from Thunder Bay to Toronto on board an AC DC-9 (all-time favourite aircraft!). I was
71 UALPHLCS: Just got to double dip. I love comedian Ron White's story about his flight from Flagstaff to PHX. When the plane had mechanical trouble the guy next t
72 RareBear: I've told this before, but one of the more humorous lines I've heard was by a F/A on Comair on a CRJ from ATL-DFW. As we were preparing to push back f
73 CitationJet: True story. My brother-in-law was a ticket agent for UA. He had a passenger run up to the ticket counter and say "I need to get to Chicago in the wors
74 CitationJet: On a AA flight the flight attendant announced: "Congratulations to one of our passengers who is celebrating his 90th birthday today, and also is takin
75 CptGirmayTesfa: I doubt if it's really true but it has been a known KLM story for some time: FA spoils something on the lap of a passenger: - Passenger: "hey, I didn'
76 Cancidas: i was on the ramp one day and some woman came on asking if the flight she was getting on was going to BTV. i said no, and thats all i managed to say b
77 NZblue: Years ago I overheard this line from a United Airlines gate agent at Kahului Airport on Maui who was about to begin the boarding process for a flight
78 SafetyDude: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to United Airlines flight XX, non-stop service back to reality." I remember something like that. I was on a flight to N
79 Bsmalls35: After landing in Newark on a much delayed flight from Chicago, the FA gave the usual announcement: "United Airlines would like to welcome you to Newar
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