Trolley Dolley From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (5 years 3 months 4 days 20 hours ago) and read 9171 times:
I've noticed in this forum some negative lines regarding airlines. However, I'd like to focus on the positive as I've had quite a few laughs in my time in the sky.
In SQ economy, a very by the book airline.
Me: "May I have a bacardi and coke, please?"
SQ Girl: "Certainly,sir." -She pours the drink and holds it up- "One standard airline measure."
Then she gives a me wink and pours a extra generous serving of bacardi. All she said with a cheeky smile was "Opps, turbulence! Enjoy."
CX Business class with a charming stewardess named Doreen.
3 of us blokes going to Hong Kong for work.
Doreen: "So gentlemen, may I ask why you are visiting Hong Kong?"
Us; "Oh, for work, but we hope to have bit of fun as well."
Doreen. "Well remember this..." and she produced a bottle of vintage French champange and started to pour "Hong Kong is for business, but now is for pleasure." she purred.
Me arrived harried and late at the check-in desk on a non refundable, non changeable ticket after the flight has closed.
"Am I late for my flight?"
The agent consults the computer and smiles "No sir, you're just very early for the flight you're going to catch. We'll be happy to change you over."
At the end of the day it's the people who make the airline industry, isn't it? Happy flying everyone.
1 SafetyDude: "Am I late for my flight?" The agent consults the computer and smiles "No sir, you're just very early for the flight you're going to catch. That is ce
2 Skyhawk: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for finally starting a positive topic. Even when some of our members have tried to have such negative thoughts there h
3 Dtwclipper: New York Air Flight attendant to Frank Lorenzo after he spilled his red wine: "More Wine Mr. Lorenzo, you wear it so well?"
4 Worldoftui: Heard this one on Airline - pissed myself..... Cabin crew.... " What would you like to drink?" Female passenger "A G and T please. That's Gin and Toni
5 Flyguyclt: To the passengers who poke a flight attendants rear end to get our attention ! "You paid for the seat your are sitting in. Please refrain from touchin
6 LX23: Actually, on a FlyBe flight SOU-GVA, the cabin crew did a bit of a Southwest-type of safety announcement that went something like: "On behalf of Capta
7 JFKLGAflyer: I think my personal all-time favorite is: "Song would like to be the first to welcome you to New York's Kennedy Airport. If New York is not your final
8 Dtwclipper: Oh, I forgot one: On behalf of New York Air and your entire flight crew I would like to be the first to welcome you to scenic Newark New Jersey, the P
9 JFKLGAflyer: Oh... one other that I heard at BWI: "This is the final boarding call for Southwest flight ____ to Saint Louis with continuing service to Dallas. All
10 SafetyDude: Here is one I heard: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time the forward boarding door has been shut meaning that we are now en-route to St. Louis, and if
11 Mats: The various Southwest jokes circulate online a great deal, but I heard a great one. Upon arrival at BWI: "For those of you connecting to other Southwe
12 Krisair747: A great one from a Atlantic Coast F/A, during her rap up of her security/ emergency speech. " the flight attendant call button above your seat only tu
13 4Left: An FA on Southwest to Midway said, "Last one off cleans the plane." Iceland Air en route from Putna Cana to Boston as we approached a large Thundersto
14 SafetyDude: Here are some from a topic earlier this year: VS046 in November 2003 (a night flight) During the intro speech after take off: "...we would like to rem
15 BIGBlack: I was on the second leg of a UA flight from Vegas back to boston through SFO. As the door shut the pilot came on the PA and said, "Welcome aboard! Her
16 Jafa: Me on NWA. From the flight deck: "Welcome to Detroit our gate will be occupied for another 5 minutes. Please stay seated until the seat belt sign is t
17 Tango-Bravo: My favorites are: On a HP flight (MSP-PHX) as we were on approach for landing the captain's final words to the pax onboard were "...and if you have en
18 JET1977: CXA330330... " One hundred Jewish men standing up and praying simultaneoulsy is joke enough" You might interpert that as being funny and entertaining,
20 NWAMSPFLYR: On my way back to school aboard a NWA DC9 (not a NWA DC-9 replacement thread), "Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf on this Minneapolis based crew, we wou
21 UA777222: Not exactly from the crew but still funny. After a longhaul from FRA to LAX we were on approach and by the use of speed breaks at about 300ft I could
22 Alitalia744: Some funny and not so funny ones! Recent AZ flight over heard a conversation on AZ 607 EWR-MXP.. F/A: Sir what is this Passenger: A Baby Seat F/A: NO
23 ERJ170: On a Continental Flight from RDU-EWR, the male F/A came on the loud speaker and said "This is Continental flight XXX to Newark, NJ. If this is not you
24 Ramerinianair: I heard a great one from a CO res agent. She said, "You are booked on flight ### from ISP to CLE. You have seat 1A on the ER3 that is operated by our
25 Corpsnerd09: Arriving at MIA on an AA from TPA, at the baggage claim area: "Lady an Genolmen Wilkom to Miami City, dee malet that come from dee bags are from Ameri
26 UA777222: While on a friend's private Cessna Citation we boarded and the pilot came out and said, "Hello and welcome aboard. The use of cell phones is permitted
27 N9801F: One very good one from Southwest was before departure, "We like to let you choose your seat so that you are comfortable. But now it's departure time,
28 CFIjames: On one of Southwest's first flights out of PHL last may 9, among other one-liners: "Thank you for flying with us today, if you enjoyed your trip the f
29 DeltaAgent1: When an unruly customer says "I'll have your job", reply to them, oh, you would just love working for Delta, we meet the nicest people here.
30 An-225: While non-revving to Honolulu, I was prepared to have the worst seat on our high-density 777. I went to the counter and did my usual, and if possible,
31 AirEMS: On a flight from ORD-DEN on UAL after we had landed and arrived at the gate when the pilot turned off the "fasten seat belts" sign one of the Flight A
32 Tango-Bravo: While taxiing after landing at PHX on a Southwest flight, the FA was giving the usual announcements and added another that was anything but "the usual
33 Socalatc: Alaska Airlines MVP mileage plan member is checking in, puts the bag on the scale. The Agent says "your bag is over weight" The MVP says "Well Im an M
34 Lapper: On A VS flight from SFO-LHR when the plane was taxying to the gate "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are looking for volunteers to stay behind and clean the t
35 Victor: i heard a funny joke from my friend.. i dun know it is ture or not . on a cx flight . crews were getting ready for the 2nd meal service and my friend
36 Starlionblue: " One hundred Jewish men standing up and praying simultaneoulsy is joke enough" You might interpert that as being funny and entertaining, but it is of
37 CXoneWorld: There's one from DJ after the aircraft had landed: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Welcome to Perth. Please go ahead and claim back your virgin
38 Charlib52: The pilot on my AA flight from IAD to ORD a couple of years ago: "And be sure to keep your window shades open during taxi and takeoff so that as we pa
39 RCS763av: Song FA: "Welcome aboard Song, on behalf of us all serving you on this flight, we would like to wish you a nice stay in our destination, FLL. If you w
40 OttoPylit: I once worked at a station that was contracted to work NW Airlink flights. As much as I hated it, I was made to work them at the gate. While trying to
41 AA777223ER: On a recent flight JFK-LHR with a coach PAX seated in the very back of the plane: me: "Sir, would you care for dinner tonight?" PAX: "yes" me: "I apol
42 NYCAAer: Years ago, on a DC-10 en route to Aruba from JFK, with a senior male F/A who was a quick wit. He was picking up meal trays and asked a young female pa
43 Sllevin: A couple of months ago I heard a couple of gate agents working a Ted flight. One looks at the other and whispers (think "Sixth Sense" the movie here):
44 Silverfox: I did hear of a BA pilot ,who when landing at some third world airport, said. please turn your clocks back 100 years If anybody can clarify the airpor
45 S12PPL: While checking in a lady flying to LAX on QX. "I'd like to upgrade to first class." "I'm sorry, but we don't have a first class cabin on Horizon." "Wh
46 Lono: Couple I have heard,, After a very hard landing on a AS flight.... the kind where the oxygen masks all pop out... Captain comes on "Sorry for the hard
47 B777fa: This happened a while back on an A300 flight to AUA. There is this senior F/A who is known for his campyness and quick wit at the base and he was work
48 Trident3: On a BA flight from TLS to LGW " According to the song there are fifty ways to leave your lover, however in the event of an emergency there are only f
49 Dinker225: On a Virgin Blue flight in June from Melbourne to Adelaide. We landed and the head F/A was going about the welcome speeches. In Adelaide you must drop
50 QAntAsBoY: On a Virgin Blue flight from Sydney to Melbourne (Early 8am) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard DJxxx from Sydney to Melbourne. Today, we have two c
51 Exusair: Passenger seated in business class, F/A running meals out of the galley. On each trip up and down the aisle the passenger would ask for a drink refil
52 N6376m: I regularly fly through ATL from my home in GNV. The flights are typically on ATR72 or RJ. Returning home late night from a trip, I boarded the ATR an
53 LongHauler: I was sitting in the cockpit about 15 minutes before push, when I got a call from STOC. (Station operation control). "683 this is Toronto STOC" "yes,
54 NWADTWFA: Just after the boarding door closed on a 757, the lead flight attendant makes the usual announcement, "The boarding door is now closed, please remain
Starlionblue From Greenland, joined Feb 2004, 13565 posts, RR: 68 Reply 55, posted (5 years 3 months 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 4181 times:
On board a US Airways 737 waiting to take off at CLT. We were delayed taking off due to weather, but 2nd in line to go. We had waited about an hour on the taxiway. As we turned to get onto the runway, the Captain said:
"We apologise again for the delay, but if you think we have it bad, just look at the line on our left".
Planes were neatly arrayed in line along almost the entire taxiway, and as we took off I saw that the line continued around the terminal building.
Tact Is For People Who Aren't Witty Enough To Be Sarcastic
UALPHLCS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 56, posted (5 years 3 months 2 hours ago) and read 3892 times:
First about 15 years ago when UA flew DC-10's to PHL and cell phones were a rarity, a man asked a UA agent why the PHL-ORD flight was delayed.
"It's snowing in Chicago." was her reply.
The man then said, "I just got off the phone with my wife and she said it wasn't snowing there."
So the agent said, "Well sir, call your wife back and tell her to start pouring concrete and we'll land in your backyard."
During the summer of 2000 we had a convention of Ford Dealers in PHL before the RNC convention. As they were leaving many of the conventioneers asked for somplimentary upgrades. So I asked one of these dealers after my umpteenth request for a free upgrade if I bought a Ford from him would he upgrade me to a Lincoln for free? He smiled and said "Good point."
Ual777contrail From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 57, posted (5 years 3 months 2 hours ago) and read 3880 times:
A lady checks in at the counter, asking what flight she is on was a trick question. After fumbling through papers she replies 447, I looked at her and said, sorry manm, that flight has been cancelled. She looks at me and says" your kidding right?" I replied,do I look like I'm kidding?
she laughed and said can I get a window seat? I said manm, your flight is cancelled, she said, why didn't you say that in the first place?
BeechNut From Canada, joined Apr 2004, 601 posts, RR: 7 Reply 58, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 3724 times:
At check in, in Montreal on BOAC: a particularly rude passenger berates the agent for a delay caused by a snowstorm.
The agent then quietly tags his bag for Singapore as the pax leaves with his boarding pass. The supervisor notices and tells the agent "he's not going to Singapore, he's going to London". The agent replies: "he may be going to London, but his bags are going to Singapore!".
Kjet12 From United States, joined Mar 2001, 955 posts, RR: 11 Reply 59, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 3721 times:
Last year at HNL just before boarding my AA flight to LAX.
CSR: "Passenger Kris ____ to the podeum"
Me: "Yes?"
CSR: "A family that was seated seperately needs your seats, would you mind if we reseat you?"
Me: "Yes, its no problem"
CSR: "Oh my. You dont need to be seated in economy, you are better than that. Ok, 6J! You may board at your leisure Mr. _____."
It was one of the most enjoyable flights I had ever had. A great way to end a trip to Hawaii.
Cha747 From United States, joined Dec 2003, 724 posts, RR: 11 Reply 62, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 12 hours ago) and read 3575 times:
Heard on a US flight from CLT-CHA upon arrival to CHA, a few hours late, about 17 years ago:
"Welcome to Chattanooga where the local time is (about) 10:30pm. If Chattanooga is not your final destination, please check the monitors in the terminal for information about your connecting flight."
That FA was obviously reading a script and/or had never stepped-foot into Chattanooga airport. At the time, there were about 5 gates, no other flights departing that night, and not a single monitor (or CSA for that matter) in the ENTIRE airport.
You land a million planes safely, then you have one little mid-air and you never hear the end of it - Pushing Tin
Grude1087 From Japan, joined Feb 2004, 41 posts, RR: 0 Reply 63, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 3541 times:
Around USAir, it was said that staffers had been circulating the story of an employee last-named Gay who boarded a USAir flight with a non-revenue ticket. Finding the seat assigned to him occupied by a paying passenger, he slipped into an empty one a couple of rows back. Then, due to a mechanical delay on another flight, the plane began filing up so the gate agent came aboard to get all non-paying passengers off.
Stopping at the seat assigned to Mr. Gay, he said to the man, "Are you Gay?" Looking startled, the man nodded, at which the agent said, "Then you'll have to get off." Mr. Gay, hearing this, called out to the agent, "You've got the wrong man -- I'm Gay." Whereupon a young man seated across the aisle leaped to his feet and announced, "Hell, I'm gay, too--they can't kick us all off!"
Ramerinianair From United States, joined Nov 2003, 1473 posts, RR: 1 Reply 64, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 3480 times:
Great Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AA777233ER,
Wow, some people are amazing-that was a good responce!! What was his reaction??
SR
NWAFA From United States, joined Dec 2003, 1893 posts, RR: 28 Reply 66, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 9 hours ago) and read 3417 times:
Exusair,
You have to finish that story! The "poop your a pile of shit" was my friend (a MEM f/A)...that passenger when he landed called NWA, which they contacted inflight..when she (my friend) returned to base her manager met her at the gate and asked if she had "turned someone into a pile of shit'....she responded :
"Yes I did, but at the end of the flight I turned him back"....
For me, on a couple of flight that have diverted due to weather my announcement is:
"It does not bring us pleasure to welcome you to XXXX"...Then when its time to leave the diverted city...We are supposed to do another demo...."Ok folks, we are supposed to do the dog and pony show, were going to save you from it, however the exits are still in the same place, the oxygen mask will still hit you in the face, all the other rules we told you about still apply and if you can't figure out how to use your seat belt then you should not be allowed in public"!
THANK YOU FOR FLYING NORTHWEST AIRLINES, WE TRULY APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS!
Redngold From United States, joined Mar 2000, 6907 posts, RR: 58 Reply 68, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 3377 times:
Don't know if these have been posted yet...
During safety talk (probably WN):
"If you are traveling with a child or someone acting like a child..."
"This is a non-smoking flight. Anyone who would like to smoke is invited to step out on the wing."
After takeoff (a WN pilot, LAS-ABQ, 1994):
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached our cruising altitude. I'm going to turn off the seatbelt sign, but if you do choose to remain seated, please use your belt... in case I decide to fly the plane upside down."
During taxi to the gate (I think on USAirways):
"Anyone who would like to help clean the plane, please stand now. Otherwise, please remain seated until we reach the gate."
-Another WN pilot, who used a train whistle to begin his announcements and referred to the airports by the Union Pacific Railroad names used at each city. (ABQ-LAS, 1994)
---
BTW, those two WN pilots were the first to make me genuinely comfortable aboard their flights. It was the first time in years that I flew without white knuckles.
redngold
Borderline Personality Disorder - it's not just for fence sitters. (Slogans courtesy of friends in psych rotations)
Cvgbear From United States, joined Apr 2004, 39 posts, RR: 0 Reply 69, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 3345 times:
When living in SAN, I fly Southwest to PHX with several friends and one of our more flambouyant friends was "mocking" our flight attendant's safety routine. She quickly stopped and asked him to stand up...he did...she then signaled for the head F/A to continue and made our friend continue for her while she sat in his seat...needless to say the entire aircraft was roaring with laughter and I'm sure everyone knew exactly where their closest emergency exit was on that flight!
While I was boarding a UA flight from HKG to SFO (744) their was a technician in one of the outer engines. I was not looking forward to a delay considering the exhaustive flight time already. Once aboard we pushed back pretty much on-time, but stopped on the tarmac. Our Captain come over and announced "You may have noticed the man in one of our engines, I can assure you he is not one of the engine parts, but the one he was fixing is still showing a red light up here. Now I'm pretty sure it's just a simple malfunction of the light, but I'd rather be sure than not so please be patient and we should be underway in just a bit." After about 40 minutes we were and she then announced "I will attempt to make up our lost time as much as possible as I understand many of you have connections, and well, I need to feed my cat!" We landed at SFO only 18 minutes late.
BeechNut From Canada, joined Apr 2004, 601 posts, RR: 7 Reply 70, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 3264 times:
The best ever line that happened to me (pre 9/11). I was flying from Thunder Bay to Toronto on board an AC DC-9 (all-time favourite aircraft!). I was the only soul in business class except for the F/A. I order a scotch on the rocks and she hands me the drink in the following manner: "here you are sir, and the Captain would like to know if you'd like to join him on the flight deck for the landing in Toronto". Needless to say I didn't refuse! And it was a night landing too!!!
I don't know if the DC-9 was C-FTLM (which I've flown on before), but I now own C-GTLM...
UALPHLCS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 71, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 3132 times:
Just got to double dip.
I love comedian Ron White's story about his flight from Flagstaff to PHX. When the plane had mechanical trouble the guy next to him asked, "How far do you think the other engine will take us?" Ron White replied "All the way to the crash site." adding, "I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half hour."
RareBear From United States, joined Jan 2004, 553 posts, RR: 0 Reply 72, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 3011 times:
I've told this before, but one of the more humorous lines I've heard was by a F/A on Comair on a CRJ from ATL-DFW. As we were preparing to push back from our parking spot on the ramp, amid the other RJ's, the F/A came on the speaker and said "Would the passengers in the aisle seats please pull in your elbows so the pilot can see out the rear-view mirror". The whole plane was really chuckling about that one.
CitationJet From United States, joined Mar 2003, 1566 posts, RR: 4 Reply 73, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 2985 times:
True story.
My brother-in-law was a ticket agent for UA.
He had a passenger run up to the ticket counter and say "I need to get to Chicago in the worst way."
The UA ticket agent said "Well sir, to go to Chicago in the worst way, you need to step down to the TWA ticket counter".
CitationJet From United States, joined Mar 2003, 1566 posts, RR: 4 Reply 74, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 2979 times:
On a AA flight the flight attendant announced:
"Congratulations to one of our passengers who is celebrating his 90th birthday today, and also is taking his first flight in an airplane. Unfortunately it is the co-pilot."
Cancidas From Poland, joined Jul 2003, 4112 posts, RR: 27 Reply 76, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 2941 times:
i was on the ramp one day and some woman came on asking if the flight she was getting on was going to BTV. i said no, and thats all i managed to say before she walked on the plane. so i figured ok and went to pack the carry-ons in the bin. a few minutes later i get a wave from the FA. she handed back the load form saying there was one to many pax on the flight. i picked up the intercom and asked if all the pax on the flight were traveling to burlington. they all said yes so i changed the pax count and signed the form. we push the flight out and went back to the break room to sleep.
about two hours later i get called into the ops office by my supervisor. turns out that one of the pax on that flight didn't get her bags. they had baggage services on the phone so i told them that pax traveling to BTV would not pick up thier bags in BWI. stupid lady, got on the wrong plane. we all had a pretty good laugh out of that!!
"...cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home."
NZblue From United States, joined Jun 2004, 599 posts, RR: 7 Reply 77, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 2899 times:
Years ago I overheard this line from a United Airlines gate agent at Kahului Airport on Maui who was about to begin the boarding process for a flight back to the mainland:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to United Airlines flight XX, non-stop service back to reality."
That line always stuck with me and I think about it every time I'm traveling to/from Hawai'i.
Cheers!
NZblue
It's an entirely different kind of flying; all together.
SafetyDude From United States, joined Sep 2001, 3795 posts, RR: 23 Reply 78, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 2866 times:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to United Airlines flight XX, non-stop service back to reality."
I remember something like that. I was on a flight to NYC from MCO and this was boarding announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, while here in the greater Orlando area, most of you probably went to Disney World. Some of you might have even been to Sea World - but today, this flight is bringing you back to the real world."
Bsmalls35 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 79, posted (5 years 2 months 4 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 2864 times:
After landing in Newark on a much delayed flight from Chicago, the FA gave the usual announcement: "United Airlines would like to welcome you to Newark where the current time is approximately 10 p.m. Please remain seated with your seatbelt secure while we taxi to the gate." After a seemingly long taxi the FA announced: "I apologize, I meant to say earlier welcome to Philadelphia where the time is approximately 10 p.m. Please remain seated while we taxi to Newark." Most of the passengers chuckled.
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