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Aviation Humor  
User currently offlineWdleiser From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 962 posts, RR: 3
Posted (10 years 2 months 3 weeks 3 days 21 hours ago) and read 1509 times:

Sorry if I posted in the wrong forum but this seemed appropriate.




A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft - an off-duty airline stewardess is
sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he
watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in
the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry
and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the
pilots have everything under control.

"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this
aircraft to do what it is doing."

how ill is the a/c

China in the eighties. A DC-3 (or similar?) loaded with tourist passengers
starts up and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The
captain leaves the cockpit and addresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We
take other plane!"

They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and
shut down again. Captain addresses passengers again: "This plane more ill!
We take first plane!"

building your own aircraft

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What
a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Gottcha!

nose gear retraction

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than
leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting
in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other
that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.

questions and answers

Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?

A: The cockpit door!

Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?

A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate

Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?

A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.

Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?

A: By the bend of the earth!

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?

A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......

A: A pilot and a dog ... the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is
there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?

A: Their personality.

Brain in 'off' mode

The whole crew except the fresh 20 year old stewardess are in the lobby of
the hotel at pick up time. The captain asks the Purser to call the new girl
and ask why she's not down on time ?

So the Purser calls the girls room and says: 'Why are you still in your
room, it's pick up time...' The girl replies that she cannot get out of her
room. The Purser says: 'well, what's wrong, is the door stuck?' The girl
replies: ' no... there are three doors in my room. One goes into the
bathroom, the other goes into the closet.' Finally the Purser asks: 'well,
what about the third one ?'

The girl answers: 'That door has a DO NOT DISTURB sign on it...'

In-flight meals

The cannibal was travelling from his homeland towards 'civilisation'.

Halfway, when feeling hungry, he asked the stewardess for the passenger
list.


ATC


Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode
C. Say altitude.

Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.



ATC: N234, descend to 3,000' on QNH 1019.

N234: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: N234, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019



Female Radar controller: Can I turn you on at 7 miles

Airline captain: Madam, you can try



Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck

Tower: Roger, you are a fuel truck


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