StarAC17 From Canada, joined Aug 2003, 3297 posts, RR: 9 Posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 38444 times:
These were sent to me a few days ago and I thought that they were really funny, does anyone have anything to add to these or comments.
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (arrogantly): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Vez From Canada, joined Nov 2001, 85 posts, RR: 0 Reply 2, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 38276 times:
Ok, I've found some (don't know if they're true though... but I'm sure some arent. Funny though)
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Mconway From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 4, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 17 hours ago) and read 38191 times:
I've seen most of those before, or variations thereof, and they're always good for a chuckle. On a side note, I was copying a position report on a World Airways flight over Christmas and the conversation went something like this:
WOA105: Gander, we were 48 North 50 West at 1234Z F350......
Me: WOA105 Gander, confirm your time over 50 West
WOA105: We were 50 West at 1243Z
Me: Roger, copied 50 West at 1243......I thought you said 1234, but I'm probably just a little dyslexic
WOA105: no problem Gander, I used to have the same problem but I'm KO now
It took me a second to catch on, but I had quite the little chuckle to myself when I did.
XJRamper From United States of America, joined Dec 2003, 2440 posts, RR: 51 Reply 5, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 17 hours ago) and read 38114 times:
Fighters vs. Airlift
A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass
the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that
their planes were better because of their manueverability, weaponry and the like.
The C-130 pilot replied "Yeh? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went in the back and took a p!$$."
And now for some miscellaneous fighter pilot jokes
What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there
to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.
What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....
What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.
What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
(Keep in mind people these are just jokes)
A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain:
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting.
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"Have you farted yet?"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
Glydrflyr From United States of America, joined Jan 2005, 207 posts, RR: 0 Reply 8, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 37831 times:
In the departure line at Morristown, NJ. (MMU), I was behind a twin that did not acknowledge several calls from the tower to move into position and hold, so tower told me to move around the twin and tell them what I observed in the twins cockpit as I passed. When I told them the pilot was reading something, they asked if I could see what it was. I replied "The cover of the book says SAFETY AFTER SOLO." The twin driver called the tower immediately to protest my getting past him, but the tower crew was laughing too hard to acknowledge for a good thirty seconds. PS: I got out first anyway.
SDFOH From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 74 posts, RR: 0 Reply 10, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 9 hours ago) and read 37667 times:
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always
remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater)
and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles up.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft and the
Los Angeles Air Traffic Control Center as we entered the Los Angeles area airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, the Center did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a single-engine Cessna ask for a read-out of its ground speed.
"90 knots," Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day; as almost
instantly an F/A-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was,
when I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for
we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen 20, I show 1,742 knots."
There were no further ground speed inquiries.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (flight level 60,000 ft). The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How exactly do you plan to get up to
The pilot (obviously a sled driver) responded, "Center, we were hoping to descend to it."
Komododx From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 11, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 37413 times:
Sorry to burst your bubble but for one, those have been posted a million times before. And second, US Air does not and had never flown LGW-FLL. Let alone would they encounter a UAL 727.
But at least to add to the post and not to come off as a b!tch, I will write some George Carlin quotes on Aviation:
~F/A: Get on the plane, get on the plane
~GC: Well Fnck you lady, I'm getting IN the plane. There seems to be less wind IN here
~F/A: Please fasten your seatbelt by inserting the metal flap into the buckle
~GC: I ask for clarification at this point! Did you say insert the metal flap into the buckle, or wrap the buckle over and around the metal flap?
~Reporter: Two airlines today experienced a near miss
~GC: A near miss? You mean a near hit! A near miss is a crash! BOOOOM!!! Look... they nearly missed...
N405MX From Mexico, joined May 2004, 1378 posts, RR: 10 Reply 17, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 21 hours ago) and read 36557 times:
Approach: "Tampico 123 Traffic, Boeing 747 heavy 10 o'clock 2 miles 2000 feet climbing. Lear 321 climb and maintain 8000"
Tampico: "Tampico 123 roger, traffic in sight"
Lear: "Lear 321 to 8000, what's a tampico?"
747: "What's a lear?"
Time ago, in a heavy storm in MTY, before an CO 737 and a Delta when in a Go-Arround and CO headed back to IAH:
Saab340 :Costera 2153 on the approach, tower confirm rwy conditions
Tower: Rwy soak poor braking and heavy wind.
Saab340:Roger for 2153 final to land
About 2 minute silence, then a pilot hit the radio: Looks like the little one went to the air
Saab340:Tiny but mighty, costera 2153 request taxi to the gate.
Life is what happens when you have other plans.....
Asteriskceo From United States of America, joined May 2004, 435 posts, RR: 0 Reply 19, posted (8 years 11 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 35648 times:
stolen from a friend:
Ward Air: Toronto Tower, what's the delay here?
YYZ_TWR: There's no delay here, cleared for take-off runway 24R
Ward Air: Cleared for take-off? But there's 9 aircraft ahead of us here!
YYZ_TWR: Now you're getting the picture, you moron, stop wasting my time.