FlyAUA From Austria, joined May 2005, 4604 posts, RR: 57 Posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 47602 times:
If you're a pilot/controller or have overheard any funny ATC conversations post them here... Here's the last one I heard in the en-route simulator today (I was wetting myself!!!):
A student ATCer was confused about what to do regarding 2 aircraft that were vectored on parallel (in normal english that means they are flying at the same flight level both on the same headings with a bunch of nautical miles between them). The aircraft were on the wrong side (i.e the one on the left had to go right and the one on the right had to go to the left and were not supposed to climb or descend).
Coach: So, how will you solve this situation?
Student: *raises finger* I'll show you how, gimme a moment
Coach: OK
Student: Speedbird456, traffic 3 o'clock, 6 miles, type A332, FL340
Speedbird456: Maastricht Radar, traffic in sight
Student: Lufthansa332, traffic 9 o'clock, 6 miles, type B777, FL340
Lufthansa: Maastricht Radar, have the traffic in sight
Student: Allright... SWITCH!!!
Coach: *Starts strangling student*
Legacy135 From Switzerland, joined May 2005, 1052 posts, RR: 28 Reply 1, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 47552 times:
Here is my favorite, they say it happened in Frankfurt, I don't know but anyhow:
US-Airforce C-130: TWR tell 747 in front of us to call us on 123.45
TWR: XX777 would you mind calling C-130 on 123.45?
xx777: Sorry TWR, we do not talk on 123.45, we are professional pilots
US-Airforce C-130: OK, TWR tell those professional pilots they still have the gear pins in!
Jtamu97 From United States of America, joined Mar 2001, 655 posts, RR: 2 Reply 2, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 47547 times:
Heard on Houston frequency from what I remember:
Controller: CO 123 descend and maintain FL 180
CO123: Request Lower
Controller: In a lower Voice-Co123 how is this ?...Descend and maintain 120
Same Controller while directing many planes to the ILS:
Kids don't try this at Home!!!...Then rattles off instructions to 3 different airfraft to join the ILS..I have never heard a controlled use "break" as much as he did. He was a fast talker, but very easy to understand.
Yeah it's very easy to not realise how fast you're talking when it gets busy! Sometimes you don't even realise how close you're getting to the radar screen... I had my head pulled off the screen (by my coach) cus my nose was almost touching it on several occasions. And it was not because my eyesight was bad
S12PPL From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 4, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 47455 times:
Ahhh, this one again....
Well, I can give you two from my experience....
First one is my favorite. My dad and I flew ourselves down to Oakland in October of 2003. While taxiing, the ground controller asked our destination and aircraft type. We told him we were just gonna do a little bay tour, and that we were a Cessna 182.
After take off:
Tower: Cessna 7226 November, what is your destination?
Us: We were hoping to take some people on a bay tour if that is ok, sir.
Tower: Us? What aircraft type are you?"
Us: Uh, we are a 182
Tower: Hum...Well, someone has you as a 152...Who did you tell you were a 182?
Us: The ground controller
Tower: I see...Well, just stay below 3,500, and you'll be fine, have fun, switch to xxx.xx!"
Upon our return to Oakland, he was still in a good mood:
Us: Oakland Tower, Cessna 7226 November is 5 miles south with Juliet to land"
Tower: Ahhh! 7226 November, welcome back to the party, enter right downwint 27R
Us: Yep, we're back, right downwind 27R, 26 November
As we were about mid feild:
Tower: Cessna 226 November, call your base, cleared to land 27R
Us: We'll call our base, cleared to land 27R, 26 November
Now, I was flying at this point, and after we called our base, and were lined up with the center about 3 miles out, I get the call
Tower: Cessna 7226 November, can you move it to 27L, I still have a damn truck on the runway doing a sweep for FOD"
My heart jumped pretty quick, and I did a quick check behind us to make sure no one was being dumb..
Us: Uh, sure tower, bumping to 27L 26 November
After touch down:
Tower: Very nice, 7226 November, looked like a nice soft landing as well?
Us: Ah, you flatter me, sir. You just owe me one for the last minute bump to 27L
Tower: All right, take your next right, and call ground .7. Have a good one.
Us: We'll exit at our next left and give ground a call, thanks for letting us play today.
The last one was when I was on a solo up to the Portland area. A Citation flew by me about 1,500 feet or so below me and a bit to the west.
Seattle Center: Cessna 25444, traffic is fast moving, south bound at 9 o'clock
Me: "Uh, it just passed me about 10 seconds ago..."
Center: .......Oh. Sorry.
Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear of active."
Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!". Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!" Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San,Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
Legacy135 From Switzerland, joined May 2005, 1052 posts, RR: 28 Reply 6, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 47396 times:
I remember one I heard on the frequency of Bern (BRN/LSZB) our capital airport having 4120 feet /1310 meters of runway these days:
TWR: Citation EAB make a long approach, number 2 to land..
Citation EAB: Roger, we make a long landing
TWR: I said long approach, if you go for a long landing, you can go right to the trash yard!
RDUDDJI From Lesotho, joined Jun 2004, 1318 posts, RR: 3 Reply 7, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 47362 times:
I was in EWR on a JI F100 back in 2000 and there was a foreign pilot unfamiliar with the airport...It went something like this. Keep in mind JI's Tails were yellow.
Foreign carrier: "xxx is unfamiliar with the airport..."
Ground: "Follow the yellow tailed fokker on Echo."
Unknown: (Laughter)
Ground: "Yeah. I've always wanted to say that."
Sometimes we don't realize the good times when we're in them
Legacy135 From Switzerland, joined May 2005, 1052 posts, RR: 28 Reply 8, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 47303 times:
For those of you not speaking German: The verb "to brush" can be used in German about as "to fuck" in English, so it can be very rude.
Once in winter we were flying in a lovely morning into Bern. Everything below was covered with snow. So we asked the controller maybe 20 minutes out if the runway was cleaned already. He wanted to say that the equipment was out, but what he said by mistake in German was:
They are all out, "brushing" on the runway.....
You should have heard all those comments after landing
FlyAUA From Austria, joined May 2005, 4604 posts, RR: 57 Reply 12, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 47234 times:
Haha, thanks guys for the feedback, these stories are great
I remembered 2 more from the simulator when training students!
----------------------------------------
Student: Shamrock481, traffic is 12 o'clock, 5 miles, faster moving, crossing from right to left, same flight level, report traffic in sight.
Shamrock481: Maastricht Radar, have the traffic, it was pretty hard to miss
The range was actually 1 (not 5) miles
----------------------------------------
Student: Austrian437, traffic 3 o'clock, 3 miles crossing from right to left, descending from FL340 to FL250
Austrian437: Maastricht Radar, IFR conditions here, traffic not in sight
Student: Austrian437, errr... ummm.... correction, traffic is now at your 9 o'clock, distance increasing
Zvezda From Lithuania, joined Aug 2004, 10511 posts, RR: 65 Reply 13, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 47168 times:
Quoting Legacy135 (Reply 11):
.....die sind jetzt alle auf der Piste am Bürsten.....
Is "Piste" the word "to brush/to fuck"? In Russian the word "piston" (from the English, but pronounced like "peestone" would be in English) is a slang word that means "to fuck".
FlyingNanook From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 830 posts, RR: 13 Reply 15, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 47089 times:
I can't find it in writing, but this is my favorite ATC occurrence. The interview in the link concerns Meryl Getline (author of The World at My Feet) and her ATC conversation with the Goodyear Blimp.
727EMflyer From United States of America, joined Mar 2005, 547 posts, RR: 0 Reply 17, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 46911 times:
When the winds are from the south in HNL the runways get very backed up and the tower controller has his hands very full. I got little chuckle after one controller lost track of who was who:
Tower: Cessna 727EM clear to land 22R, Cessna 46J Position and hold 22L, American 767 heavy hold short of 22R you're number 2 for 22L. (All acknowledge, I touch down in 727EM) Cessna 7EM turn left at delta, hold short of 22L traffic departing, Cessna 46J cleared for take-off 22L, American 767 heavy position and hold 22L (All acknowledge, 46J lifts off just prior to taxiway D) Cessna 46J cross 22L.
Not sure if he meant "7EM" or just wanted the departing pilot to expedite the procedural right turn to make way for the 767's straight out departure I gave the controller a few seconds...
Me: Tower, Cessna 7EM did you clear me to cross 22L?
Tower: (flustered) Yes for goodness sake, cross it! We're way backed up and there's a whole 767 waiting for you!
LimaFoxTango From Antigua and Barbuda, joined Jun 2004, 702 posts, RR: 0 Reply 18, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 46769 times:
I remember hearing this once on the live JFK feed from http://liveatc.net (good listening btw).
American 123 - Uh tower, what's the wind?
JFK Tower - A parcel of air moving across the surface of the earth, but that's not important right now, wind is 270 at 10.
I found that pretty funny!!
You are said to be a good pilot when your take-off's equal your landings.
CO737 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 143 posts, RR: 0 Reply 19, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 46744 times:
One of my favorite ATC dialogues happened last fall when during the final game of the Yankees and Red Sox for the division championship.
Northwest : "Grand Forks ground, Northwest XXX taxi to the gate and can we get an update on the game."
GFK Ground : "Northwest XXX taxi to the gate, and you guys aren't gonna like this, but its Boston 8, New York 2." (Or whatever the score was, but the Sox were up).
Northwest: "Well that's a little disappointing."
GFK Ground: "Yeah, I guess Steinbrener didn't write enough checks this year."
My flight instructor and I got a huge kick out of that one!
Every takeoff is optional, but every landing is mandatory.
RamerinianAir From United States of America, joined Nov 2003, 1486 posts, RR: 0 Reply 22, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 4 hours ago) and read 46539 times:
If any of you know KHWV, Brookhaven in Long Island, NY, you will find this funny! It is an airport that is uncontrolled and it has to perpendicular 4200' runways.
Bonanza: (In a South American accent) Brookhaven Beechcraft Bonanza here requesting Airport Advisories.
Bonanza: Brookhaven INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, Brookhaven Beechcraft Bonanaza is 5 miles out . . . .
Very funny considering that the airport is SO SMALL!
SR
Edhugo From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 19 posts, RR: 0 Reply 24, posted (8 years 2 weeks 5 days 3 hours ago) and read 46454 times:
JFK Tower: Korean XXXX, say airspeed
Korean XXXX: Airspeed . . .
Silence . . . . . .
25 YYZatcboy: british tower: USAF123 QNH 1011 USAF123: Tower we are the United States Air Force, We use inches. British Tower:Sir this is a British airport. we use
26 SHUPirate1: What is that QNH 1011 supposed to mean?
27 AR1300: QNH is the other way to measure the Air pressure.They use the Millibar(SP?) Standard Pressure is 29,29 inches at sea level at a given Tº of 15ºC. OR
28 AGrayson514: Heres a few, some I've heard some I haven't...all very amusing "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.
29 COFreqFlyer: On a flight from Houston back to Denver in a C172 via Breckenridge and Amarillo, TX, I was listening to Houston center giving traffic advisories to IF
30 ORDSPOTTER: This took place back on a hot summer day of 2000 at ORD. Just after a storm has passed through the area. Traffic backed up everywhere on the ground. W
31 Indy: It doesn't get any better than this.... listening to ORD air traffic control while watching LAX radar here... http://www4.passur.com/lax.html Good way
32 QantasA330: GND: "United 123 (772) follow the company RJ, hold short 26L." UA123: "Follow the little reject jet and hold short 26L" UA RJ: "Thats REVENUE jet to y
33 Pilotaydin: I'm not sure if this is totally acurate BUT, this is a story that a lot of pilots/controllers in Turkey have been passing around. there is a cargo com
34 FlyAUA: Hahaha Classic!! Serves him right for not using correct phraseology Should have said REPORT AIRSPEED Correct, except you meant 29,92 In North America
35 ClearedDirect: Quoting Edhugo (Reply 24): JFK Tower: Korean XXXX, say airspeed Korean XXXX: Airspeed . . . This is usually followed by ATC issuing the following : Ko
36 Lorenz: Here in Norway we had a state visit from the Russian President Putin some time ago.. OSL ATC: "Russia 9001 you are cleared the approach to runway 01L,
37 Skyhawk62507: The best one I've experienced myself was on a night flight with my instructor, as we were landing at KABQ. Southwest is my far the largest presence at
38 Kaneporta1: LAX tower to a BA747 after a perfect landing: Tower: Speedbird123 you landed a bit to the left of the centerline. BA123: Roger sir, and my copilot lan
40 ZID: From FlyAUA : "Serves him right for not using correct phraseology Should have said REPORT AIRSPEED" No, in the United States "say airspeed" is the cor
41 Litz: You know ... this is a common thread, pops up over and over ... but the anecdotes are always different, and always funny ... Keep 'em coming ! - litz
42 MD11junkie: This one is my favorite. N****: Tower, N**** type Cessna Citation X with an emergency, cabin depressurization on finals. Tower: Roger, N****, you are
43 Efohdee: Heard this not to long ago on a very slow Saturday night: ATC: "Attention all aircraft new Center Weather Advisory. It is wetter than a hootchie cooch
44 TIMC: Just out of interested, are there penalties for misusing official channels?
45 CosmicCruiser: Just to clarify...29.92 in.mm = 1013 mb...correct BUT QNH is the alt. setting for height above sea level thus reading airport hgt. abv sea lvl when o
46 Ftrguy: Heard this a few weeks ago on UA CH9: UA 903 Heavy Checking in to SFO Tower: UA 903: "SFO TWR UA 903 Heavy checking in with 18 in the green and lookin
47 TwinCommander: Listening on our air radio to Portland approach at work on one graveyard shift had this amusing situation: PDX APRCH: FedEX 18xx heavy, you are 10 mil
48 CXA340: I heard this last year - went something like: ORD TWR (male voice): Continental XXX, service to Houston George Bush Intercontiental... Continental: To
49 Planespotting: Heres a funny one i had with some boys from Chicago Center and a few other pilots that day on Sunday, September 7 2003. It was like, the last great da
50 CosmicCruiser: Sorry about that typo Suffering a little jet-lag here and typed and little carelessly What I meant to type was QNE...is staNdard prEesure above the t
51 FlyAUA: Well still serves him right then! And when I say "correct phraseology" I am referring to what ICAO has stated as standard
52 Kgin11: While flying a VOR-B approach to an airport in the Los Angeles area, I overheard the following: Cessna xxx, turn left, turn right, you're heading the
53 PipoA380: I'm really laughing like hell reading this post! Keep em coming!
54 Trekster: keep em coming, that WN and cards one was good Love it, keep em coming (just listening to live JFK Tower now)
55 Fbgdavidson: British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going tod
56 Silver1SWA: I love these threads! So funny. Unfortunately a few of the same stories are being repeated. A sign that we may have exhausted this topic? Keep 'em com
57 IAHERJ: Actually overheard just a few years ago when I was flying an ERJ-145 for COEX out of IAH one afternoon. We were all using 33R for departure so there w
58 Kaneporta1: last one for this thread... United123: Good morning Sydney approach, we're 80 miles out and have your little island in sight. Sydney app: United123, c
59 OzLAME: I was sitting RH seat doing an engine run at work (SYD) one night a few weeks ago. As we are Good Boys we were monitoring Ground on 121.7 and heard th
60 Milski: Not exactly funny but you don't get to hear it very often anyway, today while shooting an approach into KPAE: ATC: Cessna 24529, traffic is B747, oppo
62 FlyAUA: Ahhh, I am really enjoying this thread... very close to wetting myself!! Keep em coming if there are some still left unmentioned. Thanks guys/ladies
63 Bully707: FANATSTIC !!!!!!!!!!!!! That one made my day!!!!! Bernd
64 EGTESkyGod: Unknown Helicopter: "Plymouth Radar (No radar at Plymouth), request radar vectors to St Mellion (a local golf course)." Plymouth Tower: "Head towards
65 KBFIspotter: Heard this one while at Tacoma Narrows (KTIW) Tacoma Tower: "Cessna 2119Q (me), execute 360 degree turn on the downwind leg for spacing." Me: "Ah, Tac
66 PHLapproach: I heard a funny thing on Philly Approach South Arrival a few weeks ago, during one of the massive Thursday night arrival pushes that comes in. The con
67 KBFIspotter: This reminded me of a SR-71 convention I attended at the Museum of Flight in Seattle. Former Blackbird pilot Brian Shul was relating his experiences.
68 PhotoLPPT: Most funny one was with the CO flight from LIS to EWR last november, it was on the holding point for runway 03. A TP A319 landed and then a small dog
69 Goingboeing: Many of you might not understand this one, but back in 1972 I was listening to a conversation between and Eastern airlines jet and Miami Center (rathe
70 BNAflyer78: OMG - I laughed hysterically at that one while sitting at work and everyone in the office looked at me like I was crazy!
71 CaptainCanuck: Toronto's City Center Airport is quite a tricky one, especially for pilots not from the area. Its out on an island off the CN Tower, with numerous lar
72 Xwizard: Been waiting for this since I seen this thread....slightly different version but still the best all the same....
73 Skyhawk62507: I heard this from somewhere awhile back, not sure if it's true or not... Tower: "Piper (Cub) XXX, cleared for departure, caution wake turbulence depar
74 UKA330: This exchange took place shortly after an airshow at Edwards AFB Controller to F-117 stealth fighter: "Traffic is an F-16, two o'clock, 13 miles, sout
75 CaptainCanuck: Got three more my dad told me about from his numerous stories flying with AC: 1 - Coming into Pearson on a very bad weather day: YYZ Approach: All air
77 Boeing4ever: I just heard this on ORD's appch frequency... unknown a/c, most likely an Airbus: "Retard, Retard, Retard" pilot of unknown a/c, most likely an Airbus
78 CosmicCruiser: years ago when Braniff had the multi colored 727s a brown one landed and the tower controller asked "what did you guys fly through?"
79 IMatAMS: Not my own, but one of the best I think... Tower: XXXX line up runwayXX and hold. As the aircraft lines up a deer dumps out of the woods and on the ru
80 Silver1SWA: Alright guys, enough of the deer story. It has appeared at least three times now. Please read thread before posting.
81 VirginFlyer: During an exercise in Darwin (Northern Territory, Australia), a dual use aerodrome, the RAAF aircraft required single word call signs. It was decided
82 Glom: A number of the more well known fables have been told in different contexts. It's kind of a Chinese whispers thing going on. Jethro has a good list of
83 Glom: Here it is plus all the other funny bits.
84 TinPusher007: This took place at New York La Guardia (LGA)...not London-Gatwick (LGW)...still very funny though.
85 JAGflyer: I heard this from a friend of mine who used to work at an airline's OPS in YYZ. Ground: Aeroflot 304 pushback into lane 2, tail right. Caution aircraf
86 Silver1SWA: Sounds similar to an incident at PVD a few years ago.
87 Steve7E7: Here's one I heard many years ago at LBA..... Tower: "Capital XXX report field in sight for a visual downwind for 32" Capital XXX "Roger,I have the fi
88 C5onknees: SAV DEP-N53039: "There seems to be some kind of object or traffic approaching our aircraft."-N53039 N5039-SAV DEP: "We have no traffic in your area. D
89 Boegas: "THE URINATING CAPTAIN" I heard one funny story about Icelandair... don't know if it's true, I just heard it from a friend.. (this is not a aircraft t
90 EGTESkyGod: There's a pilot for Air South West in Plymouth who looks about 12 years old. After the last Dash 8 of the day landed at about 10:30pm, with him as the
91 Trekster: That is also in a film. Cant recall the name, but it has a lot to do with ATC Keep em coming guys, these are great
92 YukonTrader: Hi guys, some irritation that old iron can cause (heard both myself) 1.) In 1998, on the August 22/23, Zurich Airport celebrated its 50th anniversary,
93 DB777: Back in the mid 70's I was working midnight shift in a ramp car at MIA and the only aircraft moving on the field was an Eastern 727 that had been clea
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