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ATC / Aircraft Dialogue  
User currently offlineSpike From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2004, 1170 posts, RR: 5
Posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 10196 times:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"



Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





_____



Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."



TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"



Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"





_____



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"





_____



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."





_____



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."





_____



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."





_____



There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."





_____



A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:



Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"



Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."



Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"



Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"





_____



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"



Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."



Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"



BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."





_____



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.



Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"



The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:



"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."





_____



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.



Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."



Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.



Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"



Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."



Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"



Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."







_____



While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.



An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"



Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"



"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.



Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



>

32 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineCrogalski From United States of America, joined May 2005, 514 posts, RR: 3
Reply 1, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 10140 times:

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

hahaha thats a great one

edit - im sorry, all of them are great!! thanks for the post!

[Edited 2005-10-05 06:15:41]


A319 A320 B717 B727 B737 B747 B757 B767 C152 C172 DC9 E145 E190 MD88 PA28 | B6 CO DL FL NK NW LO TW
User currently offlineSpike From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2004, 1170 posts, RR: 5
Reply 2, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 10086 times:

I found the BA at FRA most amusing and probably quite true..

User currently offlineSpark From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 431 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 10075 times:

I've always liked both FRA stories.

User currently offlineSkyexRamper From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 10072 times:

These "transcripts", wether they are totally made up or actually happened are quiet old and passed around.

User currently offlineSpike From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2004, 1170 posts, RR: 5
Reply 5, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 21 hours ago) and read 10024 times:

Oh, the old "I saw it first" etc.. happy chappy aren't you.

User currently offlineHAWK21M From India, joined Jan 2001, 31660 posts, RR: 56
Reply 6, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 9932 times:

Good Ones.  bigthumbsup 
regds
MEL



Think of the brighter side!
User currently offlineSA006 From South Africa, joined Sep 2003, 1883 posts, RR: 55
Reply 7, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 9887 times:

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.

A United 727 at Gatwick?  scratchchin 

-SA006



Proudly South African
User currently offlineSpike From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2004, 1170 posts, RR: 5
Reply 8, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 9877 times:

SA006: Exactly what I thought. But it does sound like a UK woman though, or do we all sound like this?

User currently offlineFlymia From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 7091 posts, RR: 9
Reply 9, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 9872 times:

Yea these are funny. Some are real some are fake but these get posted just about every week. The same ones over and over.
Funny but again some thing over and over. Maybe someone can find some news ones or even make some up that would be fun.



"It was just four of us on the flight deck, trying to do our job" (Captain Al Haynes)
User currently offlineLijnden From Netherlands, joined Apr 2003, 561 posts, RR: 1
Reply 10, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 9774 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

In the early 90's United did have some 727's flying in Europe. I flew one from AMS to LHR to continue my flight to LAX


Be kind to animals!
User currently offlineAllessandro From Netherlands, joined Apr 2004, 60 posts, RR: 2
Reply 11, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 9649 times:

Heard this one during IF R/T communications lessons...

[a charming female pilot with a real french accent] "Schiphol ground, Air France something, request pushback"
[English captian] "Come on chaps, give the lady her pussy back"


User currently offlineTinkerBelle From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 9618 times:

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

lol... That is just hilarious.

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 


User currently offlineRichardPrice From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 9574 times:

Not strictly ATC, but heres a few I came across a while back:

"Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing" - plaque at the entrance to the old SR-71 facility at Kadena, Japan.

"Whats the similarity between an air traffic controller and a pilot? If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the controller screws up, the pilot dies."

"When one engine fails on a twin engine aircraft, you always have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers"

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, then its probably a helicopter - and therefor unsafe"

"You have never been lost until you have been lost at Mach 3" - Paul F Crickmore (SR-71 Test Pilot).

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime" - Sign over squadron Ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.

"Progress in airline flying: now the flight attendant can get the pilot pregnant"


User currently offlineAJRfromSYR From United States of America, joined May 2005, 454 posts, RR: 0
Reply 14, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 9535 times:

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

I thought speedbird was reserved for concorde flights.



-AJR-
User currently offlineRichardPrice From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 9520 times:

Quoting AJRfromSYR (Reply 14):
I thought speedbird was reserved for concorde flights.

It was origionally, then they started using it across the fleet.


User currently offlineAJRfromSYR From United States of America, joined May 2005, 454 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 9516 times:

When did that transition happen?


-AJR-
User currently onlineMir From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 21425 posts, RR: 56
Reply 17, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 9506 times:

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A somewhat related story: An F-16 was flying formation with a B-52, and both were pretty bored. The fighter pilot decided to show off a bit, so he said "watch this" and went into a loop around the bomber. Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot said "oh yeah, well watch this," and continued to fly straight and level for five minutes. The fighter pilot, confused asked "what the hell did you do?". The bomber pilot responded "I shut an engine down."

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.



An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"



Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"



"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.



Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I think this happened at LaGuardia - has US flights to FLL and UA 727s (well, it had those - not anymore). Plus, the NYC controllers can be legendary for yelling at planes when they make mistakes. Just recently a Korean Air flight at JFK got a long lecture over the ground frequency on what holding short meant.

-Mir



7 billion, one nation, imagination...it's a beautiful day
User currently offlineDCrawley From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 371 posts, RR: 1
Reply 18, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 9473 times:

Quoting Mir (Reply 17):
A somewhat related story: An F-16 was flying formation with a B-52, and both were pretty bored. The fighter pilot decided to show off a bit, so he said "watch this" and went into a loop around the bomber. Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot said "oh yeah, well watch this," and continued to fly straight and level for five minutes. The fighter pilot, confused asked "what the hell did you do?". The bomber pilot responded "I shut an engine down."

Here's another version of this story..

A KC-135 and an F-16 were flying formation across the pond and the fighter got bored and said "watch this" and did a loop around the tanker. When he levelled out, the tanker pilot said "hey, you think that was cool? watch this". The KC-135 flew straight and level with no altitude gain or speed change for 5 minutes. Finally, the tanker pilot comes back on and says "what you think?". The fighter pilot said "you didn't do anything! anyone can fly a plane straight and level like you did!". The tanker pilot responded "no, I went and used the bathroom, got some coffee and a sandwich, and stretched my legs, and now I'm back."

lol..

-d



"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
User currently offlineElectech6299 From United States of America, joined Aug 2005, 616 posts, RR: 3
Reply 19, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 9452 times:

Don't know if these are old or not, but since we're on the subject...

========
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:"Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
========

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is."
========

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"

Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
========

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."

Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I
don't see the bear yet."
========

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."

Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

========

Air Traffic Control: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.

Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...

Air Traffic Control: Look again there's probably a plane behind that light.
========

Tower: "Height and position?"

Pilot: "I am 5'9" and I'm sitting.
========

========

From our "Don't get wise with us" file:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

===========================

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

 rotfl   bigthumbsup 



Send not to know for whom the bell tolls...it tolls for thee
User currently offlineDeC From Greece, joined Aug 2005, 616 posts, RR: 1
Reply 20, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 9435 times:

hahaha excellent ones, all of them! Great topic  Smile


DEC
User currently offlineIndy From United States of America, joined Jan 2005, 4535 posts, RR: 18
Reply 21, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 9413 times:

Quoting Spike (Thread starter):
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Definately my favorite. But does this kind of off topic chatter really happen?



Indy = Indianapolis and not Independence Air
User currently offlineDCrawley From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 371 posts, RR: 1
Reply 22, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 9397 times:

Quoting Indy (Reply 21):
But does this kind of off topic chatter really happen?

Oh yea.. you hear things on the radio that you might not even hear in public. I've heard a man yell at tower because he had just broke his sunglasses and they wouldn't give him the runway for a straight-in approach.. this man was told to contact the tower administrator right after he landed. After you're in the air for a while, you'll hear people talk without thinking first.

-d



"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
User currently offlineBomber996 From United States of America, joined Aug 2005, 390 posts, RR: 0
Reply 23, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 9397 times:

On a note that's a bit more realistic, last night I was on a United flight from Denver to Boston. While watching the movie on the flight I got bored and switched to channel 9, and just at that moment the controller was talking to the pilot of my aircraft about football. This must have been from sheer boredom on both the hand of the controller and the pilot of the A320. It was afterall around 11:30. Cincinnati won. I thought it was quite humorous.

Peace  box 



AVIATION - A Vacation In Any Town, I Own Nothing
User currently offlineATCT From United States of America, joined Mar 2001, 2260 posts, RR: 39
Reply 24, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 23 hours ago) and read 9352 times:

Yea we talk to pilots in the wee hours of the night pretty frequently. Had a nice conversation about coyote's the other night. Always good times.

I do have a good one for ya (If you are reading this, dont worry, I'll keep your identity safe :P )


Tower: "Archer 921PA, You're following an Archer, left downwind turning right base."




ATCT



"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney
25 LongbowPilot : Here is one from the Army. A fellow IP in my unit told me this one. Pilot, "Tower this is Army 12345, 5 miles out, VMC, Full Stop" Air Force ATC (sexy
26 474218 : I think the most famous ATC story is the one about the new controller in the Palmdale ATC. The new controller turns to his instructor and says "your n
27 Post contains images Stirling : LGW could very easily be mistaken, or mis-typed for LGA...the "A" and "W" are very close. Doesn't matter if these are old, tired, made up, or real, th
28 Jamesag96 : A buddy of mine is a corporate pilot...and thinks it is funny to fart on the microphone to the delight of all that listen.
29 Wukka : On a note that's even a bit more realistic... Cincinnati lost that game. I guess that your flight from Denver to Boston also distorted reality. Watch
30 Reins485 : I have one story that my dad has told me in the past. He was flying a 727 and I think it was TWA 727 he was neck and neck getting lined up to land. Co
31 SuperD : I'm a bit late, but I'll chime in. I personally hear all the best ones on EWR ground. The guys that work it are fantastic, considering that there's on
32 Mandargb : I have heard this @JFK. === Tower: United 123 Heavy, were you a military pilot in previous career. United 123: Why are you asking this. === The tower
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