Tailscraper From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (13 years 7 months 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 5554 times:
From Aircraft Illustrated Magazine, UK:
This one was heard in Holland:
Tower: What's your altitude?
Tower: What's your heading?
Tower: What's your speed?
Tower What's your bra size?
Pilot: 36C.....Arggghhh ^$%*&
On a Mesa Airlines Beechcraft 1900D one day, the Capt. was told that his pax were nervous about being on a "small airplane".
He decided to take action: "Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being in a "little" plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about just sit back and take it easy.
It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if y'all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane...it'll tip over!
Hahaha, just a little pilot humour for you".
A question from a stranger:
" Today, two mechanics taxied a 727 into one of the satellite ramps at Terminal A in Newark. The accident sheared the top of the fuselage from just above the radome, and going all the way back to the front door.
I was wondering, is this kind of damage repairable or would this be a total loss?"
"Yes, it is possible to retrain the mechanics, but generally, it's easier to just take them out back, shoot them, and call it a total loss."
ATC TRANSMISSIONS AT ORD:
"Put your compass on "E", and get out of my airspace".
"Climb like your life depends upon it boy...because it does!"
"Hello flight 56, if you here me, rock your wings".
"OK Tower, if you hear me, rock the Tower!"
Some more Gems:
Controller: Cessna G-XXXX, What are your intentions?
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilot's License, and Instrument Rating.
Controller: I meant in the next five minutes not years.
If anyone has anymore farcial transmissions, post here!
AerLingus From China, joined Mar 2000, 2371 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (13 years 7 months 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 5404 times:
These courtesy of Airways Magazine:
Heard @ Belgrade:
Aircraft: Tower, Swissair four-five-five.
Could you tell us the name of that beautiful flower near the taxiway?
Tower: Could you say again, Swissair four-five-five?
A/C: We are wondering what is the name of that beautifulred flower near the taxiway.
Twr: It's called 'bulka' sir.
A/c:We have about an hour to departure. May I walk out an pick some bulka?
Twr:Just a moment, I have to call security.
(A few moments pass.) Sir, Security says they will send a 'follow me' car so you can pick your flowers.
Testy BA captains:
Air Canada: Hello, Heathrow, Air Canada xxx, nine out for two seven left.
Twr: Roger Air Canada. Continue approach, four miles DME.
AC:Report Four. Say, what kind of airplane is that ahead of us?
Twr:That's a British Airways Triple 7.
AC:Gee, I didn't know they had one of those. Can we have one?
British Airways: You can't have this one! It's Mine!
La Guardia ATC:
DL1843: Goooooood morning, La Guardia! Delta one-eight-four-three with you at 2500.
LGA: Roger, Delta.
DL1843: And how are you this fine morning?
LGA: What's to you?
ILS 15 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (13 years 7 months 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 5391 times:
One of my favorites:
From a controller working Chicago approach, O'Hare:
AAL1522: "And approach American 1522, what's our number for sequence?"
APP: "Aircraft calling for sequence, I didn't get your callsign, if I do, your last."
And also from ORD APP:
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"Well, it's a big tall building w/ windows and a bunch of antenna's, but that's not important now. Or 126.9, which do you want to know?"
Cedarjet From United Kingdom, joined May 1999, 7903 posts, RR: 54
Reply 4, posted (13 years 7 months 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 5351 times:
FYI, minimum seperation is five miles, three on finals and 7600 is the transponder squawk when the radio fails. Enjoy.
"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."
"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."
"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."
"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."
"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."
"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend...go ahead."
"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."
"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."
"Don't anybody maintain anything."
"Caution wake turbulence, you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three...no, lets make it five miles."
"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."
"If you want more room, captain, push your seat back."
"For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window."
"Air Force One, I told you to expedite!"
"Listen up, gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see.”
"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine...see ya."
"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."
"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"
"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."
"We were told Rwy 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."
"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."
"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!"
"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."
"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS approach. Call the tower."
"AmTran 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."
"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."
"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."
"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."
"Approach UAL525 what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"
"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."
"Request Runway 27 Right."
"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."
"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."
"The first officer says he's got you in sight."
"Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."
"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."
"How far behind traffic are we?"
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."
fly Saha Air 707s daily from Tehran's downtown Mehrabad to Mashhad, Kish Island and Ahwaz
Sean1234 From United States of America, joined Aug 2000, 411 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (13 years 7 months 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 5315 times:
I was flying into Oakland (CA) a few days ago. This guy over there was really screwing up making all these guys do 360s and one guy go-around. So ATC asks,
"Is their an instructor on board your aircraft."(Any pilot knows when they ask you this you really "F"ed up). So the guys responds "I am an instructor." I couldn't stop laughing.
L-188 From United States of America, joined Jul 1999, 29622 posts, RR: 59
Reply 7, posted (13 years 7 months 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 5307 times:
Well not actually ATC but close
We lauched our Lifeguard Lear about a half-hour after our arc enemies, the twisted sisters lauched their Lifeguard King Air.
Anyway we where watching the progress of both aircraft on FlyteTrax when our aircraft called in with his launch times and his ETA. It was three in the morning and the sun was behind them, since they where heading west.
"Ops. Wiskey Romeo off at 34 out at 39 will arrive BET in 50 minutes. Where is that King Air?"
"He is just over Sparrevohn right now and below you. I should be able to catch him"
"Ok. I'll come at him from out of the sun....Rig for Silent Running!"
OBAMA-WORST PRESIDENT EVER....Even SKOORB would be better.
Ltu-a330 From Greece, joined Jun 2000, 50 posts, RR: 0
Reply 12, posted (13 years 7 months 18 hours ago) and read 5233 times:
From Aircraft Illustrated :
A JAL 747 has just landed on what is now LHR'S 09L
and has cleared the runway.
ATC: Japan Air xxx good afternoon, turn right onto the inner taxiway your stand is Lima 25.
Aircraft turns LEFT onto OUTER taxiway and heads towards Terminal 1.
After 5min of utter chaos as LHR grinds to a halt and the GMC controller's voice has risen several octaves an anonymous American drawl is heard.
"Makes y'awl wonder how the hell they found Pearl Harbour"
Lufthansa(in German):"Ground what is our start clearence time?"
Ground(in English):"If you want an answer you must speak English"
LH(in English):"Im a German flying a German airplane in Germany.Why must i speak English?"
Unidentified English Accent(before Ground could answer):"Because you lost the bloody war!"
And for the end something different yet again from AI:
This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by Chief Naval Ops 10/10/95
US:"Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision"
CAN:"Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision"
US:"This is the Captain of a US Naval Ship.I say again you divert YOUR course".
CAN:"No.I say again you divert YOUR course".
US(Shoutting):"This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln
the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.We are accompanied by 3 destroyers,3 cruisers and numerous support vessels.I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the North.That's one five degrees to the North or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship".
CAN:"We're a lighthouse .Your call....."
Nicolaki From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (13 years 7 months 17 hours ago) and read 5217 times:
Check these out.
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd
get a better response!"
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Qantas737 From Australia, joined Jul 2000, 738 posts, RR: 4
Reply 16, posted (13 years 7 months 14 hours ago) and read 5191 times:
Here are some of my favourites from "Australian Aviation". Some are ATC some aren't.
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a US air force base:
"What is your position?" asked ATC.
"You got radar you find us" Air Force one replied. After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force one we're changing frequency" "What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force on. "You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.
The pilot of an airliner requested a clearance from 25,000ft to cruise at an altitude of 35,000ft. The conversation went something like this:
United 402: "United 402 requesting climb to flight level 310."
ATC: "United 402 maintain flight level 250 for noise abatement."
United 402: "What do you mean maintain 250 for noise abatement?"
ATC: "If you climb and hit the traffic at 270, there will be a big noise."