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An Amusing Story  
User currently offlineB744 From New Zealand, joined Dec 1999, 491 posts, RR: 0
Posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 2605 times:

I received this by e-mail a few days ago. How many of you can 'decode' it?

The Ancient Land of Cafe.

The ancient land of Café, with its aromatic Pool of Fine Fragrances, was perched precariously on the edge of the yawning North Eastern Abyss. For more years than all but the most ancient of wise men could remember, its mighty caravans hadst trod the known world's trade routes, its goods borne most ably by the sturdy four legged Classique Camel of the Ceeadle stable and the venerable and much loved three legged beast from Parmbeech, the Elleteneleven (which was no relation to Ellemacfersun, but was almost as highly regarded by those who rode her - the Elleteneleven I mean, not Ellemacfersun.) [A not very subtle little joke for the Dununda tribesmen amongst our readers.]

The expurtexpat cameleers of ancient Café loved their beasts of burden to distraction, (now resist any snide comments about the sexual preferences of the Ehscayle caste, dear reader; I'm just translating the scroll as it is presented to me), for should either a Classique Camel or an Elleteneleven throweth a shoe, they wouldst limp gamely on to their destination or a nearby farrier on their three (or two) remaining legs without shedding one ounce of their load and with little more than a mild snort of displeasure.

(Now cometh the time to layshit... ['Layshit'? That's what it says here, whatever that means. As I said before, I'm just the translator.] Now cometh the time to layshit on the Café Ehscayle caste, for those who loveth this sport.)

Now the Ehscayle caste of cameleers were a haughty, some wousdst say arrogant lot, who were richly rewarded for their labours on the caravan routes by their masters, the Swine bin Cowloon. Indeed, their pockets were so thickly lined with gold that their saddles hadst deep indentations to maketh room for their rider's purses. Almost to a man, the lesser cameleers of the Offthescayle castes coveted an elevated perch upon the Café Ehscayle caste's saddles. It wast said by these lesser cameleers that the Café beasts sometimes groaned under the weight, not of the payeloades they carried, but of the Ehscayle cameleers' purses alone.

But such rich reward wast necessary, for to be admitted to the inner ranks of the Café Ehscayle caste, (not to be confused with the secretive tribe who occupied the rarefied atmosphere of the Tent Floor, more of which we will hear later), a cameleer hadst to proveth that he hadst at least three blocks of high rise flats, two and preferably three ex-wives, one young mistress and a light, single-legged camel at some grass strip back home to support (A large boat gathering barnacles at Lan Tau was looked upon with favour by the admissions board, but this was optional.) Even the lowly Effohs of the Ehscayle caste thought themselves a cut far above mere mortals. They tooketh shit from no one but their cameleers, and least of all from the Miserly bin Beancounters.

And now we come to the unfortunate tale of the Miserly bin Beancounters...

Now while the Ehscayle cameleers werest heedlessly counting their sacks of gold and passing them on to their ex-wives and mistresses, the Miserly bin Beancounters werest inveigling themselves with quiet deliberation into the upper ranks of the Swine bin Cowloon on the Tent Floor. And they casteth their eyes with unbridled envy at the Ehscayle cameleers, as with a single mindedness that wast awesome to beholdeth, sought to bringeth them undone. Why shouldst these unruly ruffians who thoughtest so highly of themselves for no good reason enjoyeth a life of counting their gold on their far-too-much-rest-at home-between-voyages? And on these voyages on the trade routes of the far flung world, didst they not do nothing but endlessly couple with smooth skinned, comely, (if usually low life) maidens and drinketh too much sherbet in fivestar sherbet stands?

They kneweth they shouldst putteth a stop(eth) to that. It simply wasn't right, at least not if they couldst not enjoy such fantasies in full themselves. Why not cutteth the rest to a minimum whilst the cameleers werest away so there wast little time for sipping sherbet or coupling with even uncomely maidens? (Like many who had never mounted a camel in their lives, the Miserly bin Beancounters hadst long suspectedth that anyone couldst ride a camel, for the cameleers seemeth to do nothing at all as they satteth upon the huge beast's flanks excepth perhaps to heapeth shit upon their hapless,long suffering effohs, who always suffered in silence except to mutter "Yesiree, the road sure is bumpy...")

But waiteth... there wast even more they couldst do to bring these unworthy Ehscayle creatures to book. In years past, and with aggravating arrogance, the Ehscayle caste had always insistedth that if the Swines bin Cowloon wishedth to ensureth that the payeloades always reachedth their destinations unbroken, unspilled and unspoiled, only they, the Café Ehscayle, werest skilled enough in the ways of the mighty Classique Camel and the Elleteneleven to keep their loads firmly on their broad backs shouldst they throweth a shoe on the trail.

But hadst not Marcel Hardcel, the swift talking camel seller from Onetwoloose, passed by the Tent Floor of late, and hadn't he saidth that he wast breeding a new four legged autocamel in his stables in far off Onetwoloose, an autocamel that ANY cameleer couldst ride - even a cameleer of the unworthy Offthescayle castes? And didst not he say that these autocamels ate-th far less forage than the ever hungry Classique Camels? And didst he not also say that they requireth no thrice damned Effee to tend its feeding along with its ever-suffering Effoh, (as did the Classique Camel and the Elleteneleven). Not only wast this so, but they hardly needeth a real Effoh, for the autocamel dodged its own potholes and called out to the cameleer itself with its own voice when the road got bumpy or "Traffic!, traffic!" crossed its path on the caravan trail.

Marcel Hardcel knew the way to the Head Swine's heart. "Even an Offthescayle cameleer coulds't doeth the job with ease, Head Swine. Why, thou canst even taketh Otymekadets and putteth them beneath the autocamel's tail and they willst be able to gather its shit with ease, for we havest bred the autocamel thusly, so that it shitteth neatly into its own bucket without undue spillage. A child from the Turdworld couldst tendeth it."

The Miserly bin Beancounters were mightily impressed at this news.

As Marcel Hardcel spoketh, his counterpart from Ceeadle stepped onto the Tent Floor. LemME Doitryte4U of the loud checked coat was from a long line of swift talking camel sellers, and he had a newly bred camel of his own to push upon the Head Swine.

"Lissen up, Head Swine," said LemME Doitryte4U, "have I got a deal for you. We've just bred a new wonder camel with only two legs... but get this, two really huge legs, which will carry the same payeloade as the Classique Camel just as far, but for half the cost in camel shoes and fodder."

Marcel Hardcel wasn't about to be outdone by some loud mouthed Yanquee upstart from Ceeadle. "We've got one as well, Head Swine! Let me giveth you some for free since you're taking our four legged autocamels."

The Head Swine and his beancounters were almost overcome in joy as they read the amazing figures of massive savings thrust under their noses by the swift talking pair, but they were not sure about camels with only two legs, for shouldst such a beast throwth a shoe, it hadst to hoppeth in an ungainly manner on but a single leg to the nearest farriers for re-shoeing, whereas the Elleteneleven and the Classique Camel couldst lope along quite easily for damn near ever on their two (or even three) remaining legs without even gathering added sweat to their brows.

LemME Doitryte4U had a glib answer for that, dispelling any doubt's in the Head Swine's mind. The wonder camel's legs were almost indestructible. It wouldst goeth for years without throwing a shoe.

"So canst the legs of the two legged autocamel! It willst never throweth a shoe!" cried Marcel Hardcel, "Zat is our solemn promise."

And so it came to pass that the new wonder camel from Ceeadle and the two legged autocamel of Onetwoloose joined the more multi-legged beasts in Café's stables.

And it is here, sadly, that the scroll endeth...

A second scroll from the same urn is still undergoing final treatment before it can be made available for translation. However, first impressions are that the task of translation of this particular scroll will not be an easy one, for appearing repeatedly throughout it are two incomprehensible words that have so far eluded translation - Ehsesl and Beahscayle. If any reader has even a vague idea of their meanings, he could perhaps pass them on to the translator. (Please limit yourself to 5000 words and desist from words of the four letter variety in your explanation.)

On loose fragments on the badly tattered edges of this same scroll are parts of words, impossible at this stage to translate fully. On one such scrap, some unfortunate ancient scribe mentions stepping in some 'unspeakable edyngtun'. (This word is also unknown, but from comments elsewhere in the scrolls where people came into contact with this unknown substance, it seemed to be a particularly unpleasant experience.) We would also be very interested in learning the meaning of this word from any who might care to elucidate on the subject. (The same rules apply as for the paragraph above.)

11 replies: All unread, jump to last
User currently offlineB744 From New Zealand, joined Dec 1999, 491 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 2366 times:

Sorry about the title in bold font - it seems to be happening automatically.......

User currently offlineBoeing747-400 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 2355 times:


User currently offlineB744 From New Zealand, joined Dec 1999, 491 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2315 times:

I think most of you will have got the gist of this. However, from some of the faces with question marks, some of you may be stumped.

Classique camel - Boeing 747
Elleteneleven - Lockheed L1011
Cafe - Cathay Pacific

I'm sure you can figure out the rest!


User currently offlineBDLsk8ter From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2304 times:

Good, it's not just me!

User currently offlineMD-90 From United States of America, joined Jan 2000, 8530 posts, RR: 11
Reply 5, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2296 times:

I identified the 747 and L-1011, and the requirement for the big boat and light plane, but I thought you were talking about Pan Am? I suppose you're talking about Cathay Pacific ordering 777s and A330s? Is that anything close to right? Either way, it's a pretty cool story. Thanks for posting it.

User currently offlineAerLingus From China, joined Mar 2000, 2371 posts, RR: 0
Reply 6, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2286 times:

Onetwoloose: Tolouse
Ceeadle: Seattle
Two legged Autocamel: A330
Classique Camel: 742
Elletenelleven: TriStar
New wonder camel: 777
Cafe: Cathay Pacific

Get your patchouli stink outta my store!
User currently offlineN949WP From Hong Kong, joined Feb 2000, 1437 posts, RR: 1
Reply 7, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2274 times:

Ehscayle: A group of CX pilots on a lavish compensation scheme known as "E-scale"
Swine: Swire Group (Parent company of Cathay)
Edyngtun: Rod Eddington (Former chairman of CX)
Four-legged Autocamel: A340
Effoh: F/O
Effee: F/E

Cool story. Let's have more!! 

User currently offline777YYC From Canada, joined May 2000, 744 posts, RR: 5
Reply 8, posted (15 years 8 months 4 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2277 times:

This is talking about how CX needed a replacement for their L1011s and 742s and how they came to have both the A330/340 and 777.

Other observations:

The "wonder camel" has very reliable engines.

Very entertaining post!

User currently offlineOxygen From Hong Kong, joined Sep 1999, 675 posts, RR: 1
Reply 9, posted (15 years 8 months 3 weeks 6 days 19 hours ago) and read 2230 times:

some more.
Lan Tau - Lantau Island next to the new HKG
Cowloon- Kowloon Peninsula where kai tak is.

User currently offlineEg777er From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2000, 1844 posts, RR: 13
Reply 10, posted (15 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 20 hours ago) and read 2168 times:

I think this has been pirated from the pprune.org humour section.

There is another about the Gulf Air/Emirates buying of new Airbus's etc.

Items such as the conch (mobile phone) and fwaourweeldraive (4x4)...

User currently offlineBen From Switzerland, joined Aug 1999, 1391 posts, RR: 47
Reply 11, posted (15 years 8 months 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 2140 times:

That is probably the best post I have ever seen on this forum. I read it over and over to try and guess more. I love the joke early on about Elle McPherson and since I'm from oz, it was even better.

Truly witty and entertaining.

Only understandable if you are in, or interested in the industry!


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