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Who Says ATC Has No Humor?  
User currently offlineN-156F From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 14 hours ago) and read 2537 times:

Here are a few bits of ATC humor I got via e-mail. Some of these are *really* good!  Big grin

Pleas excuse the funny spacing- this came via e-mail, and while I got rid of all the funny > and < marks, I'm not going to re-space the whole thing.

> >Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?

(January 29, 2001)

The following are reported accounts of actual exchanges between airline
and control towers from around the world.

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale,
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming,
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie"
taxi way; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's
difficult to tell the
difference between C's and D's but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control"
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight
2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current
state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after
the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an
unknown male
pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

=======================

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind
to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it
costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"

=======================

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

=======================

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll
follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
Chevelle, though."

=======================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

=======================

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
Fokker in sight."

=======================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign
"Speedbird 206") after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to
a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never
flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing.
I didn't stop."<<



18 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineGmonney From Canada, joined Jan 2001, 2159 posts, RR: 20
Reply 1, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 2388 times:

This is pricless!!!


Drive it like you stole it!
User currently offlineIainhol From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 2362 times:


When I took my 172 into LAX, there was an unkown voice the ground frequency that came accross and said 'I would not be caught ded in that thing here' needless to say we found this very funny, and another time tower was taking the mikey and told us to make a right turn on 25R taxi back full length.

Also at LGW a while ago:
Tower 'Speedbird 183 hold current position the Virgin has a tight slot and will be going infront of you'.

Also another good one.
On a particularly windy day at SNA, a Cessna was on short final and the tower advised the winds, and the Cessna said 'Thanks for passing wind'

Iain


User currently offlineMit From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 166 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 12 hours ago) and read 2327 times:

As a 727 was handed off from approach to tower, the tower controller advised,

"United 214 you're #2 behind a Shorts 2 miles and 1 o'clock. Advise traffic in sight."

the 727 replies,

"Roger, traffic in sight. Wait, he just flew over the trailer park and I lost him."

 Smile


User currently offlineTWA902fly From United States of America, joined Dec 1999, 3129 posts, RR: 4
Reply 4, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 2307 times:

Wow this is hillarious.

I have one to add.

I was flyign ORD-EWR, EWR being very busy arun d7:30 while we were on approach, and we were behind a Air Jamaica A310 and a United 767, ourselves being in a United 757. I heard

"Air Jamaica XXXX slow to 140 knots"
followed by
"United 656 slow to 140 knots" (our plane)
then i heard some other stuff, i remember the Air Jamaica A310 being passed to arrival and already landed, so we were now first in line for landing. Later i heard
"United XXXX slow to 150 knots"
and a couple seconds later
"United 656 speed up! theres a 767 on your ass!"
Our aircrafts engines speeded up and in about 40 seconds we were on teh ground, the 767 landing shortly behind us. The controller yelled in a high voice since he realized the 767 was gaining on us. XXXX is for teh flight number, i do not know which one.

This was in 1999


-TWA902fly
Chicago Illinois



life wasn't worth the balance, or the crumpled paper it was written on
User currently offlineGoingboeing From United States of America, joined Dec 1999, 4875 posts, RR: 16
Reply 5, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 9 hours ago) and read 2291 times:

Back in 1972, I was listening to Miami Center on my scanner and heard this exchange with an Eastern Pilot. They were talking like the old Amos n Andy characters (ask your parents if you don't know who they are):

EAL: Say Amos, Why do the 7-4-7 have a bubble on da top?

Miami: I dunno Andy...Why DO the 7-4-7 have a bubble on da top

EAL: So da pilot can sit on his wallet


User currently offlineFxra From United States of America, joined Jul 1999, 714 posts, RR: 2
Reply 6, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 2234 times:

Heard an exchange between an ATC (male) and United pilot (female). Rough air at whatever altitude, something similar to:

ATC: " Delta (or whoever) cleared FL330"
United : " Center, United XXX, do u have someplace nice for me to go"
ATC: " United cleared direct to my house"

i don;t remember the exact conversation, but the crew and i laughed about this most the way home.

later



Visualize Whirled Peas
User currently offlineBooyala From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 2235 times:

Recently heard listening to LA center

ATC: Alaska XXX traffic one o clock, 40 miles opposite direction at 310.

AS XXX: uh, yeah we got him in sight, is he an F-16?

Atc: negative that would be a UA 737.

ASXX: oh

Atc: yeah, I hope you can tell the difference. They do happen to be slightly different .-----------------------------------------------

UAXXXX: Center, is ANGIE(a fix btw) available tonight?

ATC: negative, she just left the building

UAXXXX: well say hello to her for me.

ATC:Will do, actually talk to her directly, you are cleared direct ANGIE.


User currently offlineXFSUgimpLB41X From United States of America, joined Aug 2000, 4229 posts, RR: 37
Reply 8, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 2227 times:

These are ones i have heard..some arent that great..but hey..its late and i am bored.


two king air 200's were coming into tallahassee at the same time. The pilots knew each other too.


Tower: ok, whoever can get to the outer marker first gets cleared to land first.

King Air 1: Ill race ya king air 2

King Air 2: bring it.

King air 1 gets to the outer marker first...

Tower: King Air 1, what kind of carrots are you feeding that thing?

-------

Macon Approach: Cessna N8383M (me at 12,000 feet IFR to Atlanta), right 15 degrees for departing F-15's off of Robins AFB.

Cessna 83M: Right 15, No Joy on traffic

Macon: They are still on the runway, in 5 seconds they will be at 25,000 feet.

(two F-15's shoot out of the low clouds and continue straight up well above me...something ill never forget)

Cessna 83M: dang....i can do that. i promise.


--------

I was doing touch and gos with a friend one day at TLH in Archer N70FG and was terminating with a short field landing


Tallahassee Tower: Cherokee 70FG, what kind of landing will this be?

70FG- Short field..i can come in slower for spacing for the departing CRJ if need be...

TLH Tower- Negative, but now everyone around knows so lets see you nail it.

.... hehe talk about putting me on the spot..there was an MD-80 waiting at the hold short line and a Dash 8 behind me... not to mention at rought x-wind...I hit it though... amusing for the tower to have a random request like that.


--------

Thats all i can think of now...i know there are some better ones... but its late.



Chicks dig winglets.
User currently offlineRyeFly From United States of America, joined Jun 2000, 1396 posts, RR: 0
Reply 9, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 2213 times:

I remember the first time I soloed, who doesn't? Anyway of course I went up and did some touch and go's. On my final trip around the airport (INT) Winston Salem, NC I advised the tower that I was downwind of the runway and will be landing. All went well until I hear the control tower start talking the a Gulf Stream V parked on the tarmac. Lets call it GS5...

Tower: "Say GS5, is that Oprah's jet?" (Oprah Whinfrey)
GS5: Why yes it is. Were expecting her any minute now
Tower: Great, she has a nice plane
GS5: I think so too.

Meanwhile here I come
N94549 ready to Turn base
Tower: Do you think its possible she can sign an autograph?
GS5: I am sure we can work something out for you.
N94549: Ready to turn down wind???
Tower; Oh turn down wind N94549
Tower: Do you think she would be so kind to sign an autograph for my daughter?
GS5: Sure whats her name?
N94549 Ready to turn final
Tower: Yeah, turn your final, your clear

So I am on my final approach and all I hear the whole time is...

Tower: Her name is Andrea.
Tower: A as in Alpha, N as in....all the way through.
GS5: Okay got it.
Tower: Thanks GS5, now if she would like to mail a picture here is an address.
Tower 1...3...4 Riverwood Drive (One word)

Meanwhile I am thinking SHUT UP!!!! But I made it fine and as I taxied off the runway I said

Tower could you relay a message to GS5?
Tower: sure
Tell him Tom Cruise just landed and he said to say hi to Oprah.
Tower: LOL, okay Tom, by the way nice C-150 you got there.
N94549; Thanks, Paramount cut its budget for Top Gun 2.

P.S. I made just in time to meet Oprah also. Nice lady, she even congratulated me on my first solo flight. I don't think its anything to make the show though.  Sad


User currently offlineRyeFly From United States of America, joined Jun 2000, 1396 posts, RR: 0
Reply 10, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 2204 times:

sorry I meant to say turn base instead of downwind up there a couple of times... man I guess it is getting late.  Smile/happy/getting dizzy

User currently offlineLMML 14/32 From Malta, joined Jan 2001, 2565 posts, RR: 6
Reply 11, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 18 hours ago) and read 2144 times:

A 747 was lined up and ready, when tower cleared an RJ85 Jumbolino to line up and take off from an intersection ahead of the Jumbo. When the latter complained, the RJ, with his back to the 747, opened his speed brakes (on the tail cone), and farted on the mike !!!

If this is funny, it is also said to be true !!



User currently offlineLMML 14/32 From Malta, joined Jan 2001, 2565 posts, RR: 6
Reply 12, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 18 hours ago) and read 2139 times:

A 747 was lined up and ready, when tower cleared an RJ85 Jumbolino to line up and take off from an intersection ahead of the Jumbo. When the latter complained, the RJ, with his back to the 747, opened his speed brakes (on the tail cone), and farted on the mike !!!

I heard this is true.



User currently offlineMEA-707 From Netherlands, joined Nov 1999, 4359 posts, RR: 35
Reply 13, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 17 hours ago) and read 2119 times:

This was reported a few years ago in Amsterdam;
There was restructuring going on at the right side of the runway. To inform the pilots, the ATC advised every leaving flight "Please note the construction workers on the right".
Right after take off, an Aeroflot Tu-154 replied in heavy accent "Yezz, we havve czecked zem, dey are all working"



nobody has ever died from hard work, but why take the risk?
User currently offlineN766AS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 2067 times:

Last Saturday I woke up listening to Seattle Center (135.52) as I always do. United XXX was inbound for YVR and was just advised that he was about to enter some turbulence by the controller. As soon as United thanked the controller and clicked off, he came back on and gave his PA announcement on ATC on accident.
"I'm going to ask you all to return to your seats as we will be entering some moderate turbulence here in a moment..." and he decided to keep going... "Weather in Vancouver is partly cloudy and two degrees celcius, thats...uh...... about 35F. We should be arriving in about 15 minutes..." and kept going... "Thanks for flying United, we hope you will choose us in the future." So after he finished his two minute PA announcement over ATC, the controller came on and asked "So, uh, United XXX- whats for lunch?" It took United a bit to catch on.  Smile
So when it came time for United to be handed off, the controller said, "United XXX, you and your passengers can contact Seattle Center on 128.45..." And, of course, next to come on was Alaska XXX: "Good evening Seattle, Alaska XXX and its passengers are with you out of 14.5 for 15000..."


User currently offlineTWA717_200 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 2033 times:

Mit, that's one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time.

Almost tops: "BAe-146: The only commercial jet in danger of a bird stike from behind".


User currently offlineToxtethogrady From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 1460 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 2029 times:

A long time ago a student pilot on final to Meacham Field in Ft. Worth was asked his location. In a heavy accent, the pilot said, "I am in the cockpit".

The REALLY interesting stuff gets said off-mike...


User currently offlineAerotech From United States of America, joined Jul 2000, 259 posts, RR: 2
Reply 17, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 2022 times:

Courtesy of Glen Wattman

You, too, might be a freight dog-

1. If you believe that a pilot's lounge containing more than three vending machines is really a "Food Court";

2. If you have lost 45% of your hearing because the company removed your airplane's soundproofing to save weight.

3. If you are always the last one to be cleared for takeoff, no matter how soon you arrive at the runway;

4. If real captians look at your airplane in awe and say something like, "I flew this once when I was young",and

5. If you have to wash your hands BEFORE using the lav.
 Big thumbs up


User currently offlineL-188 From United States of America, joined Jul 1999, 29840 posts, RR: 58
Reply 18, posted (13 years 10 months 4 weeks 1 hour ago) and read 2001 times:

I have to set this one up....Traffic in Anchorage usually arrives on either runway 14 or runways 6L/R because of noise restrictions at night. The parking lot for hanger I work at is all but 1/4 mile under the arrival end of runway 32, however you prefer to think. The parking lot becomes important to this story.

Anyway...On a very cold winters night.

They controlers call up to the aircraft and ask if they want 6R for the landing. This would put the aircraft in the right place turn directly on their company ramp.

Anyway the pilot request runway 32 instead, and explains to the controlers that his electric car start remote doesn't have the range to reach from the approach to 6R but the approach to 32 allows him to start his car on final and have it heated by the time he taxi's back and does the post flight.



OBAMA-WORST PRESIDENT EVER....Even SKOORB would be better.
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