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Funny Cabin Announcements - Read!  
User currently offlineModesto2 From United States of America, joined Jul 2000, 2898 posts, RR: 5
Posted (15 years 4 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 2530 times:

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
> attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants,"
> ******
> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
> ******
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."
> ******
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
> hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
> as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
> ******
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> Washington National, a lone voice came over the
> loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
> ******
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
> ******
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> ******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your
> ******
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
> broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
> ******
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> ******
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
> ******
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
> ******
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines have some of
ther prettiest and finest flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"
> ******
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
> ******
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
> ******
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
> ******
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."
> ******
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."
> ******
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. Now, sit back and relax
while I check the weather - OH, MY GOD!" ...Silence followed and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants. A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!

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