Jetguy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 2, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 1303 times:
Here are a few that I received from family and friends last week...
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am tied down on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"
"American 347 Atlanta Center, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees..."
"Atlanta, American 347, we are level at flight level 350. How much noise can we make up here?"
American 347, have you ever heard the noise an MD80 makes when it hits a 727?"
And finally, just to prove that I can offend nearly everyone...
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip. A nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow!"
NWAirlines From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 4, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 16 hours ago) and read 1273 times:
US Airways 597 non-stop from Charlotte to Orlando pushes back from the gate and begins to taxi at 8:15am. At 8:35am, the 757 is still taxiing to the runway. A man in row 14 stands up and yells: "What the hell are we going to do, drive to orlando?!"
That was a personal experience. It was very funny at the time.
Catpac From Australia, joined Mar 2001, 236 posts, RR: 0 Reply 5, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 15 hours ago) and read 1260 times:
A few mates were flying from A to B in a four engine aircraft. While in mid-flight one engine failed and the Captain came on and said, "Ladies and gentleman, we have experienced an engine failure, as a result we will be arriving at our destination one hour later". The guys went oh yeah, no sweat.
Then before they knew it, BANG again, Captain comes on and says, sorry people, but another engine went and I am sorry we will be two hours late now, the guys were getting a little concerned....
.....And for the third time there was a massive BANG, The Captain comes on and says ladies and gents, we have lost out third engine and will be at our destination three hours late now. then of the guys travelling said, This isn't good, if we loose our last engine, we'll be stuck up here.........HA HA HA HA,....!!!!
Don't anyone hassle me, it's an old joke, I know, but it has its plus.
Jetguy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 6, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 1235 times:
I just got these, I thought that I'd add them to the list...
Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? Following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes, Ma'am."
Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock
and three miles."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f. .ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern, and we've already notified our caterers."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944, in another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Before ground could answer, someone replied in a beautiful British accent:
OO-VEG From Netherlands, joined Oct 2000, 1081 posts, RR: 1 Reply 9, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 1172 times:
A Dutch-Belgian joke.. for the people who don't know.. We dutchmen always make jokes about dumb belgians.
For the Belgians, it is not meant personally.
A completely full aircraft is flying in midair. All passengers are Belgian except for one Dutchman. Suddenly the pilot says: "Ladies & Gentlemen, Everybody hold on to the roof as we are about to lose the bottom of the aircraft. "
Whit all passengers hanging on the roof suddenly the bottom drops and all passengers are looking straigt down at the ground 10 miles beneath them.
Once again the pilot starts speaking: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have too much weight on the aircraft. In order to land the aircraft safely we have to lose weight. Is somebody willing to jump below???"
Nobody reacts the first five minutes, after 5 minutes the Dutchman says: "Ah well, I will jump". Just when he finished saying it all Belgians started applauding.
Wing From Turkey, joined Oct 2000, 1552 posts, RR: 24 Reply 10, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 1160 times:
If you're interested in a simulation of a flight environment, you would be much better off by buying yourself a surplus flight helmet (preferably one that doesn't fit perfectly), a sun lamp (to get your head nice and toasty), and a pair of Nomex/leather flight gloves (soak 'em with sweat/oil/hydraulic fluid for that crisp but slick feel). Put your monitor a little above coffee table height.
Get about 4-5 of those concrete slabs you see at the garden section of your local K-Mart, top'em with the thinnest cheap cushion you can find. (That's your "ejection seat".) Wipe the mask out with denatured alcohol (smells nice), and clamp a rag soaked in JP-4 (kerosene will do) on the end of the oxygen hose, and strap that puppy on 'till it leaves a ring on your face that lasts for hours. (You do this 'cuz when your face is sweaty and you`re pulling Gs, the mask will be on your chin if it isn't on TIGHT.) Turn the sun lamp on and point it at your head.
Now you're doing it like the big boys! Optional "realism" techniques:
Buy some nylon webbing (the kind you use to repair old-fashioned lawn chairs with). Cut two straps of this and wrap them between your legs TIGHTLY (that's your `chute harness).
Play when you've got a BAD hangover. (Rough night at the O Club.)
Have your wife/friend/neighbor pester you with questions out of the Owner's Manual (your pretend "Dash One") while you're trying to fly (Check Ride!)
Get up and play at 4:00 am (otherwise known as "oh-dark hundred"). Make a cheese sandwich, wrap it in waxed paper. Stick it in a shoe box with a half-pint of milk, a bruised apple, a crushed bag of Fritos, and an onion. Put in the fridge overnight, then take it out, throw out the onion, put the box under the sunlamp while you're flying, and eat when you're hungry. (Box lunch.)
With some imagination and very little cash outlay, you can do a hell of a job simulating what it's like to fly. That other shit (side consoles, switches, speakers, etc.) is strictly for show, and doesn't do anything towards giving you that "There I wuz" feeling
Overheard recently on London Information (monitoring cross-channel traffic)...
Calling: (unintelligible) D-ABCD, position XXN XXE, altitude 6500ft, requesting flight information
London: Roger D-ABCD, what is your point of departure and destination?
Calling: We left Augsburg, Germany, about 22 hours ago
London: (long pause) uh, and what is your destination?
Calling: Uh, I don't know...
London: (longer pause) uh, when and where will you be crossing the coast?
Calling: Crossing in about 3 hours somewhere between Dover and Worthing (around 70 mile of coastline)
London: (pause) D-ABCD, say again aircraft type
Calling: D-ABCD is a hot air ballon.
A true story:
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan
................................................................Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
From Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.
GDB From United Kingdom, joined May 2001, 12736 posts, RR: 79 Reply 11, posted (11 years 10 months 3 weeks 2 days 22 hours ago) and read 1120 times:
This is apparently true, but a similar situation was also depicted in a classic moment from a BBC TV sitcom around the same time, so who knows?
Back in the early 1980's, a BA flight crew checked into a first-floor Moscow hotel room after a flight from LHR.
One of the pilots feet hit something just under the carpet, curious they took the cheap carpet up to investigate.
They found a small metal stud, seemingly screwed into the floor. This was during the cold war, and the Capt, an ex-RAF type thought the paranoid Soviets were bugging the room.
For a laugh, and to stick one to the KGB, they decided to remove it. They got nowhere with their hands, so the E/O got some pliers out.
It took lots of turns, but eventually the metal stud came free.
And directly below them, in the hotel lobby, an expensive chandelier came crashing to the floor!