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Airline Jokes  
User currently offlineUAL1837 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 20 hours ago) and read 1623 times:

This has probably been posted a million times, but does anyone have any good airline-related jokes?

Here's one of mine:

United recently threw a little old lady off a flight because she had knitting needles in her bag...
...a spokesman said they didn't want here making afghans....

23 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineTWA717_200 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 19 hours ago) and read 1443 times:

Oh man.

User currently offlineSnoopy From Switzerland, joined Oct 2001, 370 posts, RR: 0
Reply 2, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 16 hours ago) and read 1392 times:

B747 flight from somewhere in Europe to the US. Joe and Fred are travelling together.

Captain comes on: "Ladies and Gents, we've lost an engine, but a 747 is fine on three. Nothing to worry about...it will just take us an hour longer to get to our destination".

1 hour later Captain again: " L&G, we've lost another engine, but Boeing make a fine plane, so nothing to worry about, but we are expecting to land two hours behind schedule".

No problem, more drinks served everyone happy.

1 hour later, Captain again" L&G I'm sorry but we have lost a third engine. I'm still confident that there is nothing to worry about, but we will be arriving three hours later than planned".

Joe to Fred: "Christ if the last engine goes, we'll be up here all day!"


User currently offlineEmiratesLover From Malta, joined Dec 2000, 341 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 1365 times:

I don't know if people have haerd this one before -

There was a BA flight on it's way from Johannesburg to London.While the passengers were boarding the aircraft,
a middle aged well-dressed white South African lady finds that her seat is next to a black gentleman.

She feels horrified, and demands that the cabin crew find her another seat.She shrieks, creating a commotion, attracting the attention of her fellow passengers.

``How can you expect me to sit for such a long flight with such a disgusting human being.I am not going to be seated next to a kaffir.Find me another seat NOW !''

The senior stewardess tries to placate the lady, trying to reassure her that there is no problem at all, but the lady is adamant.The stewardess goes on, and tried to find another seat.

Ten minutes late she returns.``I am sorry ma'am, but I could not find another seat in the Economy Class section, and Club World is jam packed too'' she says.``However, I am happy to say that there is an empty seat in the Fist Class Section.We never allow Economy Class passengers to be moved to First, but in this case I will allow an exception, as I can understand no-one wishing to spend a fight next to such a dreadful person''.

Before our South African lady could say anything, she turned to the black man, and said - ``So excuse me Sir, if you have your thing ready, your seat in First Class is waiting for you.''

PS - Most people whom I say this joke to like it a lot, but it should be noted that from what I know most South African whites are not really like the lady of the joke anymore.


User currently offlineZionstrat From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 226 posts, RR: 0
Reply 4, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1302 times:

Forgive me for the childlike quality of the following, but it was the first joke I learned around age 6.

A pilot contacts the control tower and asks for a time check- The tower responds asking which airline is making the request. The pilot becomes frustrated and states that it doesn't matter, prompting the tower to respond as follows--

"If you are Pan-Am, the current time is fourteen hundred hours. If you are Eastern, the time is 2 PM. If you are Piedmont, the little hand is on the 2 and the big hand...."

As I type I realize how this shows my age as all of these airlines gone and far fewer children probably learn to tell time on an analog clock-



User currently offlineDelboy From United Kingdom, joined Jun 2001, 725 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1272 times:


Rod Eddington................ now there is an airline jerk, sorry I meant joke!!


User currently offlineB744F From Germany, joined Jan 2006, 0 posts, RR: 0
Reply 6, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1245 times:

Zionstrat,

I heard it in slightly different way:

Aircraft (A) calling ZRH tower (T):
(A) good morning, could you advise the time, please?
(T) good morning, what airline are you?
(A)  Wow! does it make any sense?
(T) sure! there is a big difference: if you are Swissair - it is 08:53 now, if you are Air France - then is is around nine o'clock in the morning, but if you are Aeroflot - today is Wednesday!  Yeah sure


User currently offlineUAL1837 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1233 times:

A flight attendant says over the PA after landing:

"Let me be the first to welcome you to Chicago O'Hare Intl airport. To accompany our wait on the tarmac, we'll be showing you another full length feature film..."


User currently offlineLeftseat86 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1226 times:

Southwest Cabin announcements are killer....

After a hard landing:
"L&G we would like you to remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal"

As the plane flared, the PF planted the left main gear firmly onto the concrete, then finally the right one came down with a hard thump, and then of course, as the airspeed bled off, the nose gear came crashing down:
"Well now that the captain has finished carving his initials into the runway, we would like to wlcome you to..."

 Big grin


User currently offlineDavid L From United Kingdom, joined May 1999, 9523 posts, RR: 42
Reply 9, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 1218 times:

An allegedly true story I read in some publication somewhere a while ago (I may have done this one before):

A western stewardess (it was back in those days) was working for a Middle East airline where working women were regarded as servants by men and well-to-do women. An Arab woman in First Class called her over and thrust a baby into her hands saying "This baby needs changed!". The stewardess smiled and took the baby through behind the curtains. After a few minutes she returned, still smiling charmingly, with another baby, thrust it into the First Class woman's hands and asked "Will this one do?"


User currently offlineRacko From Germany, joined Nov 2001, 4856 posts, RR: 20
Reply 10, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 4 hours ago) and read 1177 times:

This is a true story:

2 Crossair pilots were discussing while waiting in line for takeoff, if it is possible to retract the landing gear while standing on the ground.

The young FO thought that it is possible, but the old Captain that it is impossible. He was 100% sure about that, and to prove that the FO is wrong, he pulled the gear stick down and finally .... the gear retracted half, broke, and the aircraft crashed on the ground.

no joke  Smile


User currently offlineWingman From Seychelles, joined May 1999, 2200 posts, RR: 5
Reply 11, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 1155 times:

True story from long ago: My old man was flying MAD to Bilbao on an IB DC9 when it encountered severe turbulence and thunderstorms on approach. The plane was struck at least once by lightning and the Captain elected to return to MAD instead of risking it. All passengers either puked, crapped or peed themselves in the process, yet on landing back in MAD the automaton stewardesses still had the nerve (or lack of common sense) to get on the PA, thank the paassenegrs for flying IB and hpoing they had a pleasant journey. Before she had finished the passengers verbally assaulted her for her stupidity as they reminded her they never got to their destination in the first place. I always got a kick out of that story.

The only halfway decent joke I know involving airlines is :

Gorgeous blonde boards the flight from LAX to Hawaii and promptly parks herself in First Class. When the FA asks to see her ticket it shows her seat is in Coach. When the FA asks her to move to the back of the plane, the blonde refuses, saying that she's blonde and beautiful and First Class is where she belongs. The FA informs the Chief Steward who goes through the same routine, the blonde still refusing to budge because she's blonde, beautiful and where she belongs. Finally they call in the Captain who gets the story from his crew and tells them he'll take care of everything. He approaches the blonde, whispers a line in her ear and she jumps up to collect her bags and move on back to coach. When the FAs ask him how the hell he managed to move her so quickly he replies, "Easy, I told her First Class was going somewhere else".


User currently offlineVgnAtl747 From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 1513 posts, RR: 2
Reply 12, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 1 hour ago) and read 1115 times:

DELTA:
Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport



Work Hard. Fly Right. Continental Airlines
User currently offlineIainhol From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 1 hour ago) and read 1111 times:

This is a true story:

2 Crossair pilots were discussing while waiting in line for takeoff, if it is possible to retract the landing gear while standing on the ground.

The young FO thought that it is possible, but the old Captain that it is impossible. He was 100% sure about that, and to prove that the FO is wrong, he pulled the gear stick down and finally .... the gear retracted half, broke, and the aircraft crashed on the ground.


Nah, even small airplanes have a system that prevents that from happening.
Iain


User currently offlineMD88Captain From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 1330 posts, RR: 20
Reply 14, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 1 hour ago) and read 1103 times:

Actually Lainhol those systems do not always work and there have been a few unintentional gear retractions on the ground. All airline mechanics pin the gear to prevent retractions when they trouble shoot gear problems. They never trust the air/ground sensing systems.

User currently offlineVafi88 From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 3116 posts, RR: 17
Reply 15, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1041 times:

True story (happened on Sunday)

We were watching the 777 story on Discovery channel and they were talking about pilotless airplanes and my brother told me a joke. There, on the plane, will be a man and a dog, the man is there to look after the dog and if the man tried to touch anything the dog would bite him. And about 15 seconds after my brother (AN-225) told the joke, the pilot of the 777 started to tell the same joke. I thought it was funny.



I'd like to elect a president that has a Higher IQ than a retarted ant.
User currently offlineBernard Shakey From United States of America, joined Oct 2001, 560 posts, RR: 9
Reply 16, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1037 times:

The stutterer was nervous about his 1st skydive. He asked the instructor, "Sh-sh-should I c-c-c-count t-t-t-o 4 or or or or 5 b-b-bef-f-f-ore I p-p-pull the c-c-c-ord?" The instructor advised him to simply count to 5 and pull the cord. As the insturctor pulled his chute and floated toward earth, the last thing he heard from the novice as he hurled past was, "t-t-t-t-t-two....."

Thank you, I'll be here all week.



Mindless drifter on the road, Carries such an easy load
User currently offlineJmc1975 From Israel, joined Sep 2000, 3252 posts, RR: 15
Reply 17, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1032 times:

Back when TWA was big, my uncle used to fly them and he would always ask a female flight attendant if she had any TWA coffee or TWA tea. Only some of them found the humor in it.


.......
User currently offlineILS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1031 times:

ROFLOL leftseat.  Big thumbs up

User currently offlineGerardo From Spain, joined May 2000, 3481 posts, RR: 31
Reply 19, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 16 hours ago) and read 1006 times:

Racko and Iainhol

The Crossair pilot, who did this, was the one, who crashed some weeks ago. This story IS true.

Gerardo



dominguez(dash)online(dot)ch ... Pushing the limits of my equipment
User currently offlineWillfly4food From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 74 posts, RR: 0
Reply 20, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 14 hours ago) and read 978 times:

Competent management of a U.S. airline!

Hahaha! Hehehe! Hohoho!

Whew! I kill me!

Sorry Herb, not you.


User currently offlineNZ767 From New Zealand, joined Nov 2001, 1620 posts, RR: 1
Reply 21, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 14 hours ago) and read 970 times:

737 is at the holding point waiting to enter the runway.
F27 is on short finals, it's a very windy day and the F27 is hit by a strong gust just about tipping it on it's side, however it touches down safely.

737 pilot (on Tower frequency): "Oops, that was a bit of a Fokker!"

F27 pilot: "Yes, it was nearly the end of a beautiful Friendship!"

Mike  Smile


User currently offlineQuebecair727 From Canada, joined Apr 2001, 328 posts, RR: 0
Reply 22, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 957 times:

Once upon a time in a DC8...

"L & G this your captain speaking. We will be flying at an altitude of 31000 feet and a cruising speed of 500 miles an hour." Then the pilot hanged the microphone without closing it and said: "...now I'm gonna go take a leak and after that I'm gonna fuck Ellen the new girl". Ellen heard that in the back and rushed to the front in order to tell the pilot about the microphone still open. She was running so fast that she accidently fell on the floor. The passenger sitting next to the girl told her: "Take your time, he said he was going for a leak before".


User currently offlineCV640 From United States of America, joined Aug 2000, 952 posts, RR: 5
Reply 23, posted (12 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 904 times:

So true Willfly4food
HA


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