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My Outlook On Marriage...  
User currently offlineKaddyuk From Wallis and Futuna, joined Nov 2001, 4126 posts, RR: 26
Posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1775 times:

Hey All,

I thought i might go for two castrations in one day from Janni so here goes...

My outlook on marriage is the following; I'm not a religious person infact, i'd call myself pretty Atheist. I was christened but that was at a time when i didnt have the choice not to. Not that we're thinking about it, but me and janni were discussing it when we came to logger heads. I dont wish to get married. I'm not religious, i have no place in a church, i have no right walking into a church and promisingto "god" to follow the christian laws and rules of marriage just as much as i have no right to a Muslim, jewish or buddhist wedding.

Again we carried onwards to just having a "legal" wedding. And I guess i can see the benefits of that but i dont need to sign a piece of paper just to prove my love to someone do I?

My parents have been together over 22 years and they are not married. My aunt and uncle have been together for close to 20 years and they've only just decided to get wed. Perhaps this has had an effect on me but its not something I wish to partake.

Anyone else like to share their view?


Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
32 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 1755 times:

Just to add, it was just a discussion- we're fast, but not THAT fast  Wink

Thinking of getting married someday seems like a natural part of life to me. Of course I could live without getting married, but to me, it's certainly a big thing.

To me, it's not just a ring or a piece of paper or a thing you do to prove that you love each other- to me, it's something you do when you know a person is "the one", that you want to spend the rest of your lives together- a thing that you share with THE special person in your life.

In a non-romantic view, it has a lot of legal views as well. If you want to settle down in the country of your spouse as the citizen of that country, rights when one spouse passes away/dies, once/if children are in the picture, etc.

So it IS very important to me. I could live without it. I'd just rather not  Wink


User currently offlineKevinl1011 From United States of America, joined Mar 2005, 2964 posts, RR: 48
Reply 2, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1744 times:

Quoting Jap (Reply 1):
To me, it's not just a ring or a piece of paper or a thing you do to prove that you love each other- to me, it's something you do when you know a person is "the one", that you want to spend the rest of your lives together- a thing that you share with THE special person in your life.

It shouldn't take a contract for two people to prove their love.

It takes 3 things...Communication, Understanding and Trust. Once you have that, Love is inherently present.

The only reason to get married, is to have children. THEN....get a contract.



474218, Carl, You will be missed.
User currently offlineTNboy From Australia, joined Mar 2002, 1131 posts, RR: 19
Reply 3, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1744 times:

I'm sure there is middle ground somewhere, not that it really concerns anyone except you two guys. But really, it's about commitment, isn't it, and the importance (or otherwise) of showing that commitment to the other person?
Cheers
Bill



"...every aircraft is subtly different.."
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1734 times:

Quoting Kevinl1011 (Reply 2):
It shouldn't take a contract for two people to prove their love.

It shouldn't. I never said that it should. To me, it's something that two people share. Not something they do to prove anything.

Quoting TNboy (Reply 3):
But really, it's about commitment, isn't it, and the importance (or otherwise) of showing that commitment to the other person?

I think it's important. I'd be proud to be married and showing that commitment to my man, I really would. It wouldn't mean the world to me if I had to give that up because he doesn't want to or feels it isn't important, but it is important to me.  Smile


User currently offlineRobK From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2004, 3947 posts, RR: 18
Reply 5, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1724 times:

KaddyUK, first thing that strikes me is that you're planning on getting married before you're 20 (according to your profile). What's wrong with that, I hear you cry! Hmm, difficult to put into words without sounding patronising, but to not put too fine a point on it, young marriages more often than not end in tears and I wouldn't like to think that you're rushing into something too quickly (been there, nearly done that).

That aside, my upbringing was pretty much identical to yours from what I can gather; born Christian, baptised etc, church-goer every Sunday with my Old's until I got to about 15 and then wondered WTF I was doing and quickly put an end to that and became atheist. Never been in a church since and now 28.

Marriage scares me to be brutally honest. I just don't EVER think I'd be able to commit myself to one woman for the rest of my life - which despite now claiming to be atheist, agree that that's what marriage is all about. I'm single at the moment and have been for a while (and thoroughly enjoying it), but a good number of years ago I got serious with a chick and she wanted to tie the knot in true white wedding church fashion and I instantly got cold feet. Firstly because the word marriage rang a whole rafter of alarm bells in my head and secondly because I didn't want a white wedding thing either!

Things got heated, tempers flared and she tried every blackmail trick in the book - "well if you REALLY loved me you'd.." [insert appropriate scenario, the favourite being "..marry me in a proper church" (words to that effect)]. I was having none of it as I won't tolerate being forced to do something I don't want to do by anyone. Not surprisingly, it all went down hill from here and we split up a couple of months later, pretty much with getting totally pissed off with hearing her same record "well if you really loved me you'd.." over and over again.

Perhaps not much help, if any, sorry. I think the bottom line is that if you're being asked to do something that you don't want to do then don't do it and stand your ground! Easier said than done, I know, but it's either that or face a life of (potential) misery from being forced into something that you don't agree with.

Good luck and hope it works out.

RK  spin 


User currently offlineKevinl1011 From United States of America, joined Mar 2005, 2964 posts, RR: 48
Reply 6, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1723 times:

Quoting Jap (Reply 4):
It shouldn't. I never said that it should. To me, it's something that two people share. Not something they do to prove anything.

I was agreeing with your statement. It's not just a ring and piece paper. However, if that is what it takes to prove love , I would think there may be some insecurity in the relationship.



474218, Carl, You will be missed.
User currently offlineJafa39 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1715 times:

If it feels good...do it! If you have to think about it....it isn't the right time, and you should carry on being best friends with your girlf/boyf/sheep/whatever.

Mrs Jafa and I met in late May, got married in early October and have been together 22 years, we didn't need to think about it, it felt good, we did it.


User currently offlineRobK From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2004, 3947 posts, RR: 18
Reply 8, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 1707 times:

Quoting Jafa39 (Reply 7):
If you have to think about it....it isn't the right time, and you should carry on being best friends with your girlf/boyf/sheep/whatever.

 rotfl  rotfl  rotfl 

Brilliant!

RK


User currently offlineScarletHarlot From Canada, joined Jul 2003, 4673 posts, RR: 56
Reply 9, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1677 times:

Quoting Jafa39 (Reply 7):
If it feels good...do it!

Andy, you are a romantic!  Smile

The two of you should get married when and if you are BOTH ready for it. If one of you is ready and the other is not, you should not get married. That is a recipe for disaster.

Marriage is not all peaches and cream. It takes work and patience and compromise and tolerance. But then so does a committed relationship. I do not believe that a marriage ceremony makes anything different other than your legal rights. It's not like you are going along and you get married and the next day the sun shines brightly upon you and the birds sing as you walk through the park. It's the same as it was except now you have a legal bond that hopefully means something to both of you.

Janni - if Kaddy is not ready, do not try to make him be ready. If he doesn't want to get married you will not be doing yourself or anyone any favours by trying to persuade him. But Kaddy, you have to respect Janni's point of view too. If it's important to her, can you give her that one day? Truthfully? Speak honestly about it.



But that was when I ruled the world
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1663 times:

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 9):
Janni - if Kaddy is not ready, do not try to make him be ready. If he doesn't want to get married you will not be doing yourself or anyone any favours by trying to persuade him.

Don't worry, I'm not even ready myself, so there's nothing to worry about there  Wink

This discussion wasn't really about getting married tomorrow, or the day after or even in a year- it was about our views on marriage. We're not planning anything or trying to persuade anyone.

Kevin respects my views and can see the point in my opinions. And I respect and understand his reasons.

We'll figure something out when that time comes, but right now, it IS a bit too early for all that  Wink


User currently offlineScarletHarlot From Canada, joined Jul 2003, 4673 posts, RR: 56
Reply 11, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 6 hours ago) and read 1659 times:

It is good that you are able to communicate. That's huge.

I met Mr. Harlot when I was 18, during orientation week of university. He was 19. Within a month we were talking about one day getting married. We did get married five years later, when we finished university. That was ten years ago.

When I look back now it scares me half to death to think that I got married at 23. I was so young! But one thing that has been nice about it is that we've come through everything together. That has been a good thing. It hasn't always been easy but we've made it so far.

Keep talking about it, Janni and Kevin...that is the best thing you can do.  Smile



But that was when I ruled the world
User currently offlineBigOrange From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 2364 posts, RR: 3
Reply 12, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 1619 times:

Normally I would say don't do it. Stay single but live together.

However seeing as you are both citizens of 2 different countries, you may have to get married to live together, unless EU laws supercede UK or Danish law.

You don't have to get married in a church, you can just have a civil ceremony, at a register office or even Boundary Park!


User currently offlineCfalk From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1602 times:

Marriage means commitment. It means the security that a couple will be together with much more certainty than otherwise. If you get into a fight with your girlfriend and you walk out, nothing prevents either one from doing something rash and making the split permenant, just over a 10 minute argument. Marriage, even with the far-too-easy divorces, at least force people to think things over carefully and over a period of time before throwing away a relationship, especially when children are involved.

Stability of the parents is a key component of a child's well-being.


User currently offlineMyt332 From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2003, 9112 posts, RR: 70
Reply 14, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1595 times:

Well if you're not religious then just do what your girl wants. It shouldn't effect you unless it harms your ethics?


One Life, Live it.
User currently offlineOzarkD9S From United States of America, joined Oct 2001, 5070 posts, RR: 21
Reply 15, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 1568 times:

I can't get married. I'm gay and according to 71% of the people in the state of Missouri who voted against gay marriage my even entertaining the thought of marrying would destroy the fabric of American Society.

Enjoy your special status if you must, but remember those of us who are second-class citizens in our home countries. Funny tho...they still take the same amount of taxes out of my check.



Next Up: STL-LGA-RIC-ATL-STL
User currently offlineTRVYYZ From Canada, joined Oct 2004, 1369 posts, RR: 10
Reply 16, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 1561 times:

Quoting Kaddyuk (Thread starter):
I was christened but that was at a time when i didnt have the choice not to.

I didn't know church baptises chlidren of unwed parents. Sorry about my ignorance.


User currently offlineCorey07850 From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 2527 posts, RR: 5
Reply 17, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 1551 times:

Quoting TRVYYZ (Reply 16):
I didn't know church baptises chlidren of unwed parents. Sorry about my ignorance.

I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe it depends on the specific denomination. Some might only allow a baptism in a private ceremony, while others will allow a normal public ceremony. I believe the actual stance is that the church won't punish the child for its parents "sin." There may even be religions (Catholic?) that do not allow it at all.


User currently offlineTRVYYZ From Canada, joined Oct 2004, 1369 posts, RR: 10
Reply 18, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 15 hours ago) and read 1540 times:

Quoting Corey07850 (Reply 17):
I believe the actual stance is that the church won't punish the child for its parents "sin." There may even be religions (Catholic?)

But as per their choice and belief they didn't sin, so why bother baptising their child. Can't you be a Christian without baptism? The children could baptise themselves when they accept belief, so why a futile exercise? I don't get it.

[Edited 2005-12-11 18:12:58]

User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 19, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 14 hours ago) and read 1512 times:

Quoting Cfalk (Reply 13):
Marriage means commitment. It means the security that a couple will be together with much more certainty than otherwise. If you get into a fight with your girlfriend and you walk out, nothing prevents either one from doing something rash and making the split permenant, just over a 10 minute argument. Marriage, even with the far-too-easy divorces, at least force people to think things over carefully and over a period of time before throwing away a relationship, especially when children are involved.

Stability of the parents is a key component of a child's well-being.

I couldn't agree more! I myself don't think Kevin would just get up and leave me one day, but I certainly agree with this. It DOES add a lot of certainty. Especially for children too.

Quoting Myt332 (Reply 14):
Well if you're not religious then just do what your girl wants. It shouldn't effect you unless it harms your ethics?

To me, that'd be a bit wrong- if one person doesn't want to get married but does it because his/her girlfriend/boyfriend wants to, I don't think it's the right reason to get married... it has to be something both parts want, not something one of them does just because the other person wants to...


User currently offlineKaddyuk From Wallis and Futuna, joined Nov 2001, 4126 posts, RR: 26
Reply 20, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 1469 times:

Quoting Myt332 (Reply 14):
Well if you're not religious then just do what your girl wants. It shouldn't effect you unless it harms your ethics?

Actually, it does affect my ethics...

Quoting RobK (Reply 5):
KaddyUK, first thing that strikes me is that you're planning on getting married before you're 20 (according to your profile).

Woah Woah Woah...! Never! The whole idea is that i NEVER want to get married... I think you missed the point of my post  Wink



Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 1460 times:

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 20):
I think you missed the point of my post  Wink

A lot of people did Big grin

I will try to get you convinced someday though  Silly


User currently offlineA332 From Canada, joined Feb 2005, 1644 posts, RR: 2
Reply 22, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 1421 times:

After watching countless relatives, parents of friends, and other assortments of people go down in messy divorices, I never really did have an optimistic view on marriage...

Then you have to look at what has become of marriage since the same-sex issue went to the center stage... now more than ever it is seen as solely a religious sentiment in the eyes of the "protectors"... (ie: christians & whackie conservatives).

Outside of the tax benefits, marriage holds no value to me. No issues with other people hitching it up, but count me out.



Bad spellers of the world... UNTIE!
User currently offlineSaxdiva From United States of America, joined Jun 2004, 2382 posts, RR: 42
Reply 23, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 1407 times:

Hmm.

I'm a participant in one great marriage, but also the veteran of one messy divorce. Having been there, here's my take:

1. If you have ANY reservations about marriage, even in the slightest, do NOT allow yourself to be talked into it, regardless of where the pressure is coming from. Oh, and while you're at it, be careful of "oopsies." Take it from anyone who's been there (not me, thank heavens), this can tie you to the person you're not sure you want to be with... FOREVER.

2. The corollary to #1: If you find the right person, you might suddenly find yourself more anxious to tie the knot than you realize. It's funny how that works. But make sure you're not so freaked out about committment that you sabotage relationships... that's the Achilles heel of more people, I think, than would ever admit it.

Hope this helps,
Leanne


User currently offlineCfalk From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 24, posted (8 years 8 months 3 weeks 1 day ago) and read 1398 times:

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 20):
Woah Woah Woah...! Never! The whole idea is that i NEVER want to get married... I think you missed the point of my post

Then don't get married. It would be terribly unfair to the other person, giving her the impression that she's more than just a role in the hay until you are bored with her.


25 AerorobNZ : I have no intention of ever getting married. However that will never stop me from getting into a long term and commited relationship if the urge and t
26 Cfalk : Funny how most people in the world who get married manage to deal with it, find support in each other when times are rough and live happily for 50 ye
27 AerorobNZ : I am, I will not deny it. I make people happy when it suits me to, but continual submission for other's benefit makes me feel uncomfortable because i
28 DeskPilot : Depends on your partner's views. My wife is catholic and wanted to get married at a church. I'm not religous so the chruch meant little to me. Howeve
29 Post contains images Jap : Kevs, you're busted Taken from the thread "Whats Ur Goal In Life?" by Trekster- Archived Non-Av. Posted back in July You confuse me, man
30 Cairo : Marriage, at least its American form, is an institution to benefit women. The natural state of men is to spread their seed as far and wide as possible
31 Post contains images CFCUQ : Hmmmmmmm.... possible translation: already has wife and 3 kids ?
32 Post contains images Jap : Aaaah, hell no! He doesn't- and just for the record; I'm kidding- things change, and his views are understandable
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