Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
SlamClick From United States of America, joined Nov 2003, 10062 posts, RR: 71 Reply 2, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 2015 times:
That is all good stuff. Righteous rules.
I do not envy the parents of teenage girls. In fact I thank God that my daughter inherited my personality disorders and was wildly unpopular in high school.
(just kidding!)
Happiness is not seeing another trite Ste. Maarten photo all week long.
WellHung From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 4, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1976 times:
One rule for banging your teenage daughter:
You can't be everywhere all the time. You may think you see, know and hear everything about your little girl. It's better that you don't know how wrong you are.
TriStarEnvy From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 2265 posts, RR: 4 Reply 5, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1969 times:
I plan on subscribing to the Texas Dating Manual: Meaning ONE rule, and ONE gun.
1) Touch my daughter in an inappropriate way, and die.
2-10) See above.
[Edited 2005-12-15 22:33:13]
If you don't stand for SOMETHING, you'll fall for ANYTHING.
TPAnx From United States of America, joined Aug 2005, 1021 posts, RR: 1 Reply 8, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1930 times:
Reminds me of the commercial in which dad mentions his collection of knives..
the fact that the guy would fit in the back of his pickup..and that he knew a lot of deserted areas..
TPAnx
TriStarEnvy From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 2265 posts, RR: 4 Reply 9, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1921 times:
TriStarEnvy From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 2265 posts, RR: 4 Reply 11, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 17 hours ago) and read 1903 times:
Sounds like a mercy killing, all the way around.....
ANCFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 12, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 11 hours ago) and read 1776 times:
Quoting BR076 (Thread starter): rule 9 and 10 must be music in the ears of ANCFlyer
Pretty damn close to accurate . . . . well, except for the pot bellied has been part!
Quoting TriStarEnvy (Reply 5): I plan on subscribing to the Texas Dating Manual: Meaning ONE rule, and ONE gun.
I like it.
I have often teased that I WILL be cleaning the Ruger, or the Glock, or the Remington, or the Bushmaster (you get the idea) when my daughters first date shows up . . . and I'll conveniently have a badge laying about in plain sight.
I'd like to run a routine like that in Bad Boys II.
"How old is you?" "Shit you look at least 30!" "You smoke any of that shit?"
Quoting BR076 (Thread starter): It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
ANCFlyer version: It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your POS in the driveway for a chopper over the Iraqi desert . . . .
USAFHummer From United States of America, joined May 2000, 10685 posts, RR: 54 Reply 14, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 11 hours ago) and read 1762 times:
Quoting Superfly (Reply 7): I don't think any of this matters if the daughter looks like this....
HUBBA HUBBA! I'd tap her in a flash!
Signed,
KiwiNanday
Chief A.net college football stadium self-pic guru
StevenUhl777 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 15, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 1726 times:
Quoting BR076 (Thread starter): Rule Nine:
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
ANCFlyer has the ENTIRE STATE OF ALASKA in his backyard...all 500,000 square miles of it, and then a few inches more. F--k with his little girl and you will *NEVER* be found, forget looking for the pieces, either.
FlyboySMF2GFK From United States of America, joined Mar 2004, 193 posts, RR: 0 Reply 16, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 1720 times:
When my wife and I were dating she had me drive her out to her folks house. I knew her dad because he was my boss at the time. I also knew he was an avid hunter. As we drive out I get a premonition about all those stories I'd heard as a youth about standing on the front porch and hearing a shotgun being racked from behind the door. She giggled a bit and said I was being paranoid.
So we're in her parents' living room and I'm talking with her mom when I hear a shotgun (very empty) being racked behind me followed by the stern warning "we need to have a talk." I actually laughed.
I think that was the last time I got to use "I told you so."
LOT767-300ER From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 17, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 1668 times:
Quoting FlyboySMF2GFK (Reply 16): When my wife and I were dating she had me drive her out to her folks house. I knew her dad because he was my boss at the time. I also knew he was an avid hunter. As we drive out I get a premonition about all those stories I'd heard as a youth about standing on the front porch and hearing a shotgun being racked from behind the door. She giggled a bit and said I was being paranoid.
So we're in her parents' living room and I'm talking with her mom when I hear a shotgun (very empty) being racked behind me followed by the stern warning "we need to have a talk." I actually laughed.
I think that was the last time I got to use "I told you so."
The biggest reason why as a European I refuse to date American girls...jesus.
AerorobNZ From Rwanda, joined Feb 2001, 6368 posts, RR: 13 Reply 19, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 1587 times:
LOL let me tell you I was glad to live in NZ where gun laws are very strict the time I got caught in my ex girlfriends bed by her dad....He really would have adhered to those laws back in South Africa....
Sudden From Sweden, joined Jul 2001, 4127 posts, RR: 6 Reply 20, posted (7 years 6 months 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 1566 times:
Quoting BR076 (Thread starter): Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rock 'n Roll to that.
I have printed this out and given it to my daughter, so she can study the whole list untill it will be time. I mean, she is 2 years old now, so she has enough time to study it.
Crjflyer35 From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 667 posts, RR: 2 Reply 21, posted (7 years 6 months 5 days 22 hours ago) and read 1484 times:
Quoting Superfly (Reply 7): I don't think any of this matters if the daughter looks like this....
Ackkk!!, Put it back in...It's not done yet!!
Jeez, not even a scalding shower will get that image out of my mind...
Ok, wait for the RJ to pass, cleared to push tail south Mike, and you're cleared to spin #2 in the push.
TriStarEnvy From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 2265 posts, RR: 4 Reply 23, posted (7 years 6 months 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 1459 times:
The basis for my concept of dating stems from a girl I dated in High School. Her dad was the classic "Former Marine Texas Redneck". Big as hell, and all muscle. We were standing in the driveway talking, and he noticed I had a big dent in the fender of my Olds 98. He said "Lemme see what I can do 'bout that dent." So I open the trunk, he reaches in and punches the side of it, to force the dent out. BANG! Out goes dent. He winks at me. I get the message.
Needless to say, I didn't even kiss her for three more dates.
If you don't stand for SOMETHING, you'll fall for ANYTHING.
Superfly From Thailand, joined May 2000, 38590 posts, RR: 80 Reply 24, posted (7 years 6 months 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 1446 times:
Quoting TriStarEnvy (Reply 23): So I open the trunk, he reaches in and punches the side of it, to force the dent out. BANG! Out goes dent. He winks at me. I get the message.
If you wanted to be @sshole, then it would have been funny if you BANGed his daughter and videotaped and winked as you passed it off to him.
Every girls parents I've met fell in love with me everytime. I am not sure if that's good or bad.
For a long term relationship, that is a good thing but for the bad girls that wanted to a guy for shock value against there parents, I wasn't the guy.
Bring back the Concorde
25 BR715-A1-30: ANCFlyer... I like the way you think.. LOL!!!
26 Uadc8contrail: as told to my daughters new boyfriend in may prior to walking out the front door of our house on prom night.........i leaned over shook his hand and h
27 LOT767-300ER: Assuming your daughter would tell you what they did...and I doubt thats the case most of the time with every daughter
28 NoUFO: Hear hear ... when a good friend married, her parents left little doubt they wanted her daughter to marry me. They were spinning around me like a hum
32 Cornish: I woud have thought Rule 11 would be: Under no circumstances be Gkirk. Surely no further explanation necessary although unless the girl was blind, dea
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