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A Little Help With My Friend And Her Bf  
User currently offlineKLM672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2455 posts, RR: 3
Posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3143 times:

ok so her name is ashley, we met in art class. We hung out (she had her bf for like 3 years or something so i didnt have a crush or anything on her) and sometimes she'd come up to the dorm to play ps2 or whatever. We'd talk a lot on AIM and we went spotting (watching planes) at the sairport once. She said to me it was the most amazing experience in her life ever! Anyways when i left college i thought it would be months since i'd see her next due to jetblue and she said she loved me and that i was awsome and if she didnt have her boy she'd date me. Well during this vacation i emailed and called her and it took weeks for her to respond, we had plans to go to the airport but she said she couldn't do to babysitting and she had the fleu. Well a good 2 weeks went by and i heard nothing so i emailed her and asked if she was mad at me and she wrote back this: (sorry if i am breaking the rules here but its kinda important)
"Hey Andre,
I'm sorry to hear about JetBlue. I am not mad or annoyed at you, but as you
may have also guessed, the boy got jealous of me spending time with you. I
really care about Justin and dont want to lose him, but he feels threatened
by you and said he would feel better if we weren't hanging out. I know it
sounds absurd that I have actually listened to this, but he is the love of
my life and I would do anything for him. You and I got pretty close and it
threatened the relationship between me and justin. You aren't the only guy
he feels threatened by. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner and that
I've tried to keep it from you for so long.
-Ashley"

Whenever I go online and she is on she'll sign off or if i am online first she'll come on and sign off right off. I don't really want to lose her cause all she was a good friend. Any tips or advice?

27 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineKaddyuk From Wallis and Futuna, joined Nov 2001, 4126 posts, RR: 25
Reply 1, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3132 times:

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
she had her bf for like 3 years or something so i didnt have a crush or anything on her

Her having a boyfriend shouldnt matter whether you have a crush on her or not...

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Any tips or advice?

Leave her alone?



Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
User currently offlineNewark777 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 9348 posts, RR: 29
Reply 2, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3123 times:

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Whenever I go online and she is on she'll sign off or if i am online first she'll come on and sign off right off. I don't really want to lose her cause all she was a good friend. Any tips or advice?

Yeah, sounds like she's trying to avoid you on AIM. I do the same thing to this kid who's trying to sell me Cutco knives, but I don't want to listen to his presentation. If I were you, I'd let things settle down a bit before trying to talk to her. Last thing you want is her to feel like you're stalking her or something.

Harry



Why grab a Heine when you can grab a Busch?
User currently offlineTheSorcerer From United Kingdom, joined Oct 2005, 1048 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3122 times:

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 1):
Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Any tips or advice?

Leave her alone?

By the looks of the situation there's not much else you can do.
Shame though that it's turned out for you like this.
Dominic



ALITALIA,All Landings In Torino, All Luggage In Athens ;)
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3114 times:

Quote:
he is the love of my life



This should tell you everything. She wants you to leave her alone (in the sense that you can probably still be friends- but anything other than that is out of the question, as I understood it), and you should respect that.

Would you want anyone to ruin your relationship? It does take two to tango (meaning if she does cheat on her b/f -which, by the way, it doesn't sound like she is going to- it's her fault too) but by staying as far away from this as you can, you're doing her, her boyfriend and most likely yourself a big favor...

There're so many other fish in the sea... and I don't think this one is an option...


User currently offlineKaddyuk From Wallis and Futuna, joined Nov 2001, 4126 posts, RR: 25
Reply 5, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3107 times:

Quoting Jap (Reply 4):
There're so many other fish in the sea

But the water can be quite polluted, the lake is overfished and some of the fishes are bit weird and smelly...



Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had Gonorrhea
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3102 times:

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 5):
But the water can be quite polluted, the lake is overfished and some of the fishes are bit weird and smelly...

 biggrin  You pessimist!


User currently offlineMattRB From Canada, joined Apr 2005, 1624 posts, RR: 9
Reply 7, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3088 times:

Write a nice little note about how you're sorry to lose her friendship. Wish her the best and then delete her from your friends list and move on.


Aviation is proof that given, the will, we have the capacity to achieve the impossible.
User currently offlineKLM672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2455 posts, RR: 3
Reply 8, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3082 times:

Matt, that seems to be the best option. We did get so close as friends, thoughout my life i havent had very many friends, but yeah i am young so i guess its a good time to move on. Not really sure what to put in that letter though.

User currently offlineBigOrange From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 2365 posts, RR: 3
Reply 9, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3076 times:

Quoting Kaddyuk (Reply 5):
But the water can be quite polluted, the lake is overfished and some of the fishes are bit weird and smelly

Only in Oldham!


User currently offlineCasInterest From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 4618 posts, RR: 2
Reply 10, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3068 times:

KLM,
Just tell her that you valued her friendship, and that although you feel a bit hurt by the decision you will honor it. Let go and move on.

In a few years you will look back and just laugh at how absurd it is.
If she is all about this guy let her be. Her ability to follow his wishes and stick up for her friends leaves me wondering how well off she will be in the future. However you need to bow out and let her learn for herself.



Older than I just was ,and younger than I will soo be.
User currently offlineAmhilde From United States of America, joined Oct 2003, 643 posts, RR: 5
Reply 11, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3059 times:

Hey, friends come and go in this life. You messed this one up, so let her be and if she wants to come back, then she will. There is nothing more annoying to a girl than a guy who cant take a massive HINT to leave her alone. Dont leave her alone now, and there is a chance she may never come back to be your friend.

So- go out, find new friends and unattached girls!



Hang on tightly, Let go lightly
User currently offlineBR715-A1-30 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 1 hour ago) and read 3005 times:

Do what I did...

I went to my ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend (this was months after we had broken up and are now the best of friends), and I told him personally that I was not after his girlfriend in any way, and that she is my best friend, and I look out for her as much as I can. He seemed then to understand my position, and I even told him that if there is anything I can do to help either him or her, to let me know.. At one time, he really didn't like me, but then he understood my position and started talking to me more, and I even get to hang out with my best friend from time to time.. Go to Justin or whatever his name is, and tell him that you respect their relationship, but she is a good friend to you. If he can't respect his girlfriend's friendships, he needs to get help. I know it is common for guys to look at other guys as evil spiders, but you need to let him know your position. If he tells you to stay away from his girlfriend, then there isn't much else you can do. But I talked to the dude and after talking to him, he understood.. I told him that if there was ever a problem that I would want him to tell me about it, and he agreed... So now we talk from time to time, and I even get to do stuff with my best friend (when she isn't busy with school).  Smile


User currently offlineFutureUALpilot From United States of America, joined May 2000, 2602 posts, RR: 8
Reply 13, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 1 hour ago) and read 2996 times:

BR715 gave good advice, make it clear that you only intend to maintain a friendship with her, and that you won't make it anything more because you know what they have together.


Life is better when you surf.
User currently offlineMacc From Austria, joined Nov 2004, 1042 posts, RR: 3
Reply 14, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 1 hour ago) and read 2985 times:

i am not with you guys on this.
it would be her damned responsibility to not let friends down just because she is in love. make it clear that you respect her as friend (and as a friend only), and let things happen. if she gives up all her friends just because this guy cannot stand it, then she isnt worth more thoughts.

these things happen a lot of time and i am sick being called ones "best" friend just to learn that whenever the crisis is over and a new love arrived that there is no response anymore at the other end of the line.

dont try to understand everything. its on them to understand a bit more.



I exchanged political frustration with sexual boredom. better spoil a girl than the world
User currently offlineBackfire From Germany, joined Oct 2006, 0 posts, RR: 0
Reply 15, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days 1 hour ago) and read 2975 times:

Can't believe some of the crap "advice" being given here.


"I really care about Justin and dont want to lose him, but he feels threatened
by you and said he would feel better if we weren't hanging out. I know it
sounds absurd that I have actually listened to this..."


She admits it herself - it's absurd. And it is. Why should a friendship suffer just because her wet, insecure, babyish 'boyfriend' (emphasis on 'boy', because he's certainly not a man) can't handle life?

What's she supposed to do? Ban every guy from her life? How much will she care about this loser once she realises that he's costing her every potential male friend she might otherwise have?

He needs to grow up and get a pair. And you need to tell her that while you're prepared to respect her wishes, she's doing no-one (including herself, and the tosser she's dating) any favours.

It's the worst mistake in the history of dating to abandon good friends, because they're the ones who stay constant when relationships end. And when this one hits the wall - as it inevitably will, because she'll get sick of his insecure restrictions - she's suddenly going to realise she's got no friends left to turn to, because of her selfishness.

Sometimes being a friend means telling people the things they don't want to hear.


User currently offlineKiwiinOz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 16, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days ago) and read 2964 times:

Pretty sure I can what is going on here.

KLM672, it's quite clear to me from the way you write about this girl that you are interested in much more than a friendship if it is available. And it also sounds pretty clear that at some stage she felt the same way about you, but that has since passed and she has shacked up with another bloke.

This being the case, it is understandable that you are off limits. I would even suggest that at some stage she may have even suggested to her boyfriend that you two bordered on being a little more than friends at one stage in the past.

There's a lot of assumptions here but I'm just reading between the lines. If it is the case, you won't be doing yourself any favours staying in touch. Make her your fallback chick when you are 30 and unmarried, go and look for her then. In the meantime, move on.


User currently offlineJafa39 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 17, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 5 days ago) and read 2957 times:

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Any tips or advice?

Find another girl, love is complicated enough without trying to pull someone else's girlf.

Think how you would feel if you were him and all will become clear.


User currently offlineKLM672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2455 posts, RR: 3
Reply 18, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 23 hours ago) and read 2942 times:

Hello. Thanks for all the good replies, getting both ends the good and the bad is very helpful. yes, if she was single we'd date, we both decided that, she was the first to say that to me. I had this little thing going with Jetblue Airways (a few interviews etc) and she was there for me, she made me flash cards (airport codes) and was even drawing a picture for me. I was told by her roommate just before the holiday break that i should stay in touch with her because she does miss me sometimes. I guess it was a shock to me at this huge turn and yes we did get close, nothing physcial. People will come and go, and they do, I guess this is the first time a friendship had to end on these terms (opposed to school, work etc). Thanks again, I still have not sent an email, I am unsure if I should or just stop, period.

[Edited 2006-01-10 01:59:03]

User currently offlineYVRtoYYZ From Canada, joined Mar 2004, 659 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 18 hours ago) and read 2895 times:

Ask Flairport; he's got lots of experience in this realm.

User currently offlineBill142 From Australia, joined Aug 2004, 8451 posts, RR: 8
Reply 20, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 18 hours ago) and read 2886 times:

Tell her boyfriend to get a life. Tell him that hes standing in the way of her having decent friendships.

User currently offlineBrokenrecord From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 772 posts, RR: 0
Reply 21, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 2875 times:

Persistence can pay off, but it does not sound like it will in this case.

User currently offlineAmhilde From United States of America, joined Oct 2003, 643 posts, RR: 5
Reply 22, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 2863 times:

Yeah but you guys, you tell a bf to grow up and get a pair and most likely she will side with the bf. She ( at this point in time) cant see what an insecure dope he is- and how old is she anyway? Probably too young to have yet learned the life lessons of being able to spot loser men. Hes probably too young to have learned to grow up- seems to take guys a while. Besides, give her space and maybe shell clue in- right now with KLM672 doing the friend thing shes getting the emotional support shes probably lacking from the bf. Remove that and maybe shell see the light in the end.


Hang on tightly, Let go lightly
User currently offlineSkySurfer From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2004, 1136 posts, RR: 12
Reply 23, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 2863 times:

I've been there before, and in my case as much as it hurt i just broke off all contact. I didn't want to, but she was a good friend so i just walked away to make it easier for her even though it made it harder for me. There's lots of things i could say, but they only apply to my situation because my mind was set on leaving my friend behind so she could have a good life in her own mind. I'm sorry to hear wht you're going through, it brings back so much and i hope in time you'll feel better....other than that i can't say anything.


In the dark you can't see ugly, but you can feel fat
User currently offlineFXramper From United States of America, joined Dec 2005, 7298 posts, RR: 85
Reply 24, posted (8 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 2857 times:
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Why not call Dr. Phil instead of asking for advice on this site? I'll never understand this forum with people spilling their guts about who died in their familing, who broke their heart, or who took a shit on them today a work...

Sorry if this sounds heartless...

 Confused


25 Brokenrecord : FXramper, t3h intArweb is preferred because of the anonymity. No one here knows the OP, so he feels comfortable sharing his problems to the masses.
26 KiwiinOz : It's non-av, it's pretty obvious that people will discuss their personal lives. What would you like to see it confined to?
27 Gatorman96 : This might sound wierd, but the only way to keep her around is to give her space. The more you try to talk to her, the more pissed her bf will get, an
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