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My Best Friend Killed Herself Today.  
User currently offline4holer From United States of America, joined Feb 2002, 3032 posts, RR: 9
Posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5975 times:

Hey.
I'm not writing this to muster up sympathy or to have a pity party for myself. But my very very close and special friend took her own life this weekend. She left behind a beautiful 6 year old daughter, a crushed and devastated family, and an absolutely beyond grief stricken me.
The world just lost one of it's truly unique and special souls.
Why I am writing this is to plead with you whatever side of the equation you may fall.
If you have a friend, relative, whatever, and you feel as if they may be in need of an ear, a hand to hold, a hug, or a trip out of town. DO IT! Because you may make a difference.
And if you have ever yourself thought that suicide is a way out, and I've been there myself, please know that you could not be more mistaken. Today I saw a young girl being told that Mommy was gone forever. I picked up an inconsolable mother at the airport searching for answers that will never be found. I saw the pain and confusion in the eyes of the 16 year old sister who found her. I saw grandparents lose a lifetime's worth of faith. If not for yourself, then please don't you dare do this to the people who love you. They love you more than you seem to know. Call a friend or family member and please give them a chance to prove it.
The shining star in my life is gone, just like that.
I can never get back a week's worth of phone calls NOT made last week and neither can she.
No one should feel like I do right now. Please help or let yourself accept help if you need it.
Please.

[Edited 2006-01-10 06:40:21]


Ghosts appear and fade away.....................
47 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineSkySurfer From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2004, 1136 posts, RR: 12
Reply 1, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5961 times:

Nothing i can say will make anything easier, except i hope you don't regret anything and i hope you don't see anything that happened as your fault. I am sorry for what happened....i hope it never happens again, let alone happens to anyone else.

Stu



In the dark you can't see ugly, but you can feel fat
User currently offlineConcordeBoy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5959 times:

Suicide is no joke... I'm sorry to you and the family.

User currently offlineDc10s4ever From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5958 times:

Wow, your post brought a tear to my eye. Sorry to hear of your loss and her family. That is tragic. I will keep you, your friend, and her family in my prayers. I am sad to hear of this.

User currently offlineTUNisia From United States of America, joined Aug 2004, 1844 posts, RR: 5
Reply 4, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5948 times:

You need a :: hug ::

This is why people must understand that life is too important to waste. We must live every day as if it were our last. Love life, don't build walls around ourselves. Life is too too short. Stop and think about others, and not always yourself.

I read a book once with a true story from a cop who was called to a bridge in Florida to deal with a man who was about to jump off and take his own life. The cop walked up to the guy and didn't say anything. The man was crying hysterically. The cop simply put his hand on the man's leg. The man then said that's all he needed.. "was just one touch." He got down and lived.

Don't waste any time, call a friend, make a friend, go out, live life, enjoy life, hold a hand, give someone a hug, scream, laugh, cry, but just enjoy the gift of life we've all been given .. and share it with someone else.

PEACE



Someday the sun will shine down on me in some faraway place - Mahalia Jackson
User currently offlineDLKAPA From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5915 times:

Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform.

User currently offlineKiwiinOz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 6, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 5901 times:

Quoting DLKAPA (Reply 5):
Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform.

That would be as long as the person was in a state of mind to consider and evaluate the options in a rational manner, and the consequences. Obviousely many suicides result from some form of mental illness, and therefore I think it's a little rough to call it a selfish act.

4holer, you have my deepest sympathy. I went through this same experience 10 months ago, with my best friend, best man at my wedding etc. He was missing and after a short search we found his body and it was devastating.

Every situation is different and I don't think I can relate too much of my experience to yours, not knowing you or the family. I can say however that your statement about answers that can never be found is spot on. One of the hardest but most important things to do is stop answering the, "why" question, (as you'll never get an answer), and also stop answering the, "what more could I have done" question, as I doubt there ever is anything more that could be done. Missed phone calls gain a whole new context in this situation, but they probably mean little in the grand scheme of things.

All the best, I'm sure you'll handle it well.


User currently offlineBushpilot From South Africa, joined Jul 2007, 0 posts, RR: 1
Reply 7, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 5869 times:

My deepest condolences go out to you. I like many have experienced suicide close to home and it is the worst of experiences, I hope the healing process is ongoing for the friends and family. Famous people when often asked for one wish...go for world peace. World peace being the unattainable goal that it is, id rather have a world without suicide.

User currently offlineNWOrientDC10 From United States of America, joined Mar 2005, 1404 posts, RR: 4
Reply 8, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 5864 times:
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My condolences for your loss. However, by posting this, you may turn this tragedy into a difference (sorry, lack of better word here) for someone else. If this happens, even for one soul, then some good may surface from this.

Again, my condolences

Russell



Things aren't always as they seem
User currently offlineKlaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21488 posts, RR: 53
Reply 9, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 5811 times:

It's particularly tragic with a whole family left behind. Sad
As I said in another thread, you can never fully know anyone else; You can only try...

My condolences.


User currently offlineFlyAUA From Austria, joined May 2005, 4604 posts, RR: 56
Reply 10, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 5797 times:

Quoting Dc10s4ever (Reply 3):
Wow, your post brought a tear to my eye.

Same here  Sad

Sorry to hear that 4holer!



Not drinking, also isn't a solution!
User currently offlineKnoxibus From France, joined Aug 2007, 260 posts, RR: 23
Reply 11, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days 1 hour ago) and read 5762 times:

In one hand I am saddened by what is happening to you, and I sincerely hope you will get away from it in the best possible way. Hang in there!

In the other hand I have to thank you for your post. Not feeling terribly good lately, I shared some sorrow with somebody I would consider my best friend at the present, as she was also experiencing some difficult times.

For stupid reasons atmosphere is not very good between us since a couple of days.

Thanks to your post I will make some efforts from now.



No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
User currently offlineToulouse From Switzerland, joined Apr 2005, 2759 posts, RR: 58
Reply 12, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 6 days ago) and read 5718 times:

4holer, I also must say your very moving and so genuine post has also brought tears to my eyes. Just remember, I'm sure you were a wonderful friends, that's they way it reads in your post anyway, so don't you dare go thinking you may in some way be at fault for not listening to your friend earlier. My thoughts and prayers are with your freind's family and you.

Quoting DLKAPA (Reply 5):
Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform

I really think that's a bit harsh to say. You don't know what state of mind a person is in when they consider suicide. It's definitely not the answer, but sometimes, unfortunately, admdst the grief, difficulties, depression, lonlieness or whatever a person my be feeling, suicide may often, and sadly and wrongly, seem to be the only way out.



Long live Aer Lingus!
User currently offlineMauriceB From Netherlands, joined Aug 2004, 2490 posts, RR: 25
Reply 13, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 5673 times:

My condolences for your loss, it wont be easy to feel oke anytime soon, but you will certainly come there, i can tell you....

also thanks for the great post.



good luck

Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform.


think youre selfish to say that... so a person who hasn't have any faith in the future, should they still suffer for what? 50 years? only for other people? iv experienced it myself, but i never thought the person was selfish

[Edited 2006-01-10 13:34:17]

User currently offline767Lover From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 5661 times:

Quoting Toulouse (Reply 12):
I'm sure you were a wonderful friends, that's they way it reads in your post anyway, so don't you dare go thinking you may in some way be at fault for not listening to your friend earlier.

I agree. I don't know you--but if you're this introspective now I'm sure you were a caring and intuitive friend. The problems she faced (or felt she faced) were too large for you to have made a difference.

There are no words in a time like this. Big hug to you and may you find peace somewhere in this mess.


User currently offlineCfalk From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 5629 times:

The same thing happened to me when a good friend of mine killed himself when we were in high school. Even though that was over 20 years ago, I still think of Steve to this day, and cannot help but feel anger at him for having thought that his life was so rotten that he couldn't deal with it. He was funny, had plenty of friends, did well in school and was generally very well liked.

What I was most angry with him about is how he shot himself after comming home from school, knowing that the next person to come into the house was his mentally retarded kid brother, who of course found him. That kid will NEVER get over finding his big brother, whom he worshipped, with half his head gone. That was beyond cruel.

4holer, I really don't know what to say to you that would make things easier. Suicide is more-or-less understandable if its some lonely person with nobody to care about them. But when it is someone who had a family and friends, and even more importantly, children, I think it can very naturally be considered a betrayal. Why didn't he/she talk to us? Did she have so little regard for our ability or willingness to help? Did he actually WANT us to feel guilty?

If I were you, I would not waste too much thought or pain on your friend. I know it's virtually impossible, but that's the way I feel. Save your energy, your emotion and your sympathy for those of her family she has left behind. That suicide will haunt them for the rest of their lives.


User currently offlineME AVN FAN From Switzerland, joined May 2002, 13920 posts, RR: 25
Reply 16, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 22 hours ago) and read 5619 times:

Quoting DLKAPA (Reply 5):
Suicide is the single most selfish act

"selfish" is simply a wrong word. Suicide usually comes out of desparation of some kind, losing hope, and a complete surrender . It is giving up YOURSELF, which for sure is NOT "selfish"

Quoting 4holer (Thread starter):
suicide is a way out

whenever it is NOT, people unfortunately may jump to such decisions. Have my deepest condolences.


User currently offlineMattRB From Canada, joined Apr 2005, 1624 posts, RR: 9
Reply 17, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 22 hours ago) and read 5608 times:

All I can say is I've been there too.

My condolences to you on the loss of your friend, and to her family on their loss of a daughter/granddaughter/sister/mother.



Aviation is proof that given, the will, we have the capacity to achieve the impossible.
User currently offlineRedngold From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 6907 posts, RR: 44
Reply 18, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 5551 times:

4holer - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please make sure that you take care of yourself, and get the help that you need to recover from this loss. Even if at the moment you know that suicide is wrong, once you've seen it happen in your life you're more likely to consider it as an option for yourself.


redngold



Up, up and away!
User currently offlineDougloid From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 19, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 5532 times:

Quoting DLKAPA (Reply 5):
Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform.

Hard to say, really, what is going on in a person's mind at the moment that they realize "Hey! This time it's gonna really work!"

Quoting Cfalk (Reply 15):
The same thing happened to me when a good friend of mine killed himself when we were in high school. Even though that was over 20 years ago, I still think of Steve to this day, and cannot help but feel anger at him for having thought that his life was so rotten that he couldn't deal with it. He was funny, had plenty of friends, did well in school and was generally very well liked.

What I was most angry with him about is how he shot himself after comming home from school, knowing that the next person to come into the house was his mentally retarded kid brother, who of course found him. That kid will NEVER get over finding his big brother, whom he worshipped, with half his head gone. That was beyond cruel.

this sounds about like my personal story. In my case the friend was in college, and it was 35 years ago. Yet I think of Charles a lot, and I wonder how he could have done what he did.

The day after the semester started he got in his VW beetle, drove all the way back to Baltimore from northern New Hampshire (12 hour trip), walked up into the breezeway of his family's home, laid down on a chaise lounge and shot himself in the chest. He bled to death. His mother found him in the morning.

One thing's for sure-he cut himself off from a lot of good things, not the least of which was the wonderful world of fornication and drunkenness and how much of it you can do in forty or fifty years.

On the other hand a guy at the place I worked at shot his wife and himself in front of their children because she wanted a divorce. How about THAT for a legacy?


User currently offline4holer From United States of America, joined Feb 2002, 3032 posts, RR: 9
Reply 20, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 5494 times:

Folks,
Thank you for your kind words.
Rest assured, I'll never consider that option again after what I saw yesterday.
A particularly difficult part for me is that a little over a year ago, she basically saved my life when I was having those feelings myself following the breakup of my marriage. She gave me hope. And I was not able to give her enough.
I am trying my best not to dwell on the "if onlys", but at the moment it is so difficult to focus on what an amazing person she was. 23 years old with a world of potential, and simply to fizzle out like this...

And I'm glad to hear that my post has some folks thinking about doing some positive things. That's what I really needed to hear. Thank you.

Me and my girl in November...



Ghosts appear and fade away.....................
User currently offlineJap From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 5487 times:

I'm so, so sorry you and her family have to go through this...  Sad My deepest condolances to you all.. may she rest in peace...

Quoting DLKAPA (Reply 5):
Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform.

On one side, I agree with you, on the other, I couldn't agree less...

When you're driven out so far you think about suicide, you think that the people you leave behind would be better off without you. You're wrong, but you don't realize that... also, you think that your death will not be mourned and that people simply won't care that you die. So I wouldn't call it selfish...

INVOLUNTEERINGLY selfish, maybe... but you really, honestly, truly believe that people you leave behind will be better off without you alive and that they won't be sad once you're dead... Trust me, I've been there.


User currently offline4holer From United States of America, joined Feb 2002, 3032 posts, RR: 9
Reply 22, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 5481 times:

Quoting Jap (Reply 21):
When you're driven out so far you think about suicide, you think that the people you leave behind would be better off without you. You're wrong, but you don't realize that... also, you think that your death will not be mourned and that people simply won't care that you die. So I wouldn't call it selfish...

...Or that they will actually be relieved at your death. As I've said, I've been there myself and can tell you that this is absolutely true.

Doesn't make me any less angry with her at this point.



Ghosts appear and fade away.....................
User currently offlineCtbarnes From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 3491 posts, RR: 50
Reply 23, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 19 hours ago) and read 5466 times:

Quoting 4holer (Reply 22):
Doesn't make me any less angry with her at this point.

The anger you're feeling is normal and quite understandable. It will, in time, subside. You've had to deal with a lot over the next few days, and from what you describe you have done a fantastic job in the face of a horrible tragedy.

My only suggestion is that you give yourself the space to process what has happened. You have been helping everyone else deal with their grief, but you need time to deal with yours.

Please feel free to E-mail me if you'd like to talk.

Charles, SJ



The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
User currently offlineBoeing Nut From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 24, posted (8 years 9 months 2 weeks 5 days 19 hours ago) and read 5455 times:

Quoting DLKAPA (Reply 5):
Selfish. That's all I have to say. Suicide is the single most selfish act a person can perform.

 checkmark  DLKAPA, you made the post I would have verbatum.

Quoting MauriceB (Reply 13):
think youre selfish to say that... so a person who hasn't have any faith in the future, should they still suffer for what?

How about her six year old daughter?

Quoting 767Lover (Reply 14):
There are no words in a time like this.

Also very true.

Quoting Cfalk (Reply 15):
Even though that was over 20 years ago, I still think of Steve to this day, and cannot help but feel anger at him for having thought that his life was so rotten that he couldn't deal with it.

Sorry, this is nothing but being selfish. They are taking the easy way out.


25 Cyclonic : My sincerest condolances. I honestly don't know what else to say, because i'd be about as crushed as you are if I were in your shoes. Again, my sympat
26 Ctbarnes : The major fallacy with the selfishness argument is it implies people are making a conscious, deliberative, free will decision to take their own life.
27 MauriceB : but you dont know what was going on in here head did you? and when people commit suicide , its 9/10 times a moment , if she waited a couple of minute
28 RobertNL070 : It's a shame that this world isn't so black and white. There is an awful lot of grey out there. It is unwise to judge others so quickly. I very much
29 Boeing Nut : Then she should have seeked treatment. No, but again, try explaining that to her daughter. This still does not take away the fact that there is a fam
30 ME AVN FAN : you should try your best to swallow down whatever anger you feel. Her suicide was NOT against you. The only feeling in such a case is regret and mour
31 LTBEWR : A person close to one that commits suricide may not have even seen the signs of it happening. To take blame for that person's act is something you rea
32 Diamond : 4holer, please check your email.
33 Ctbarnes : It's not that simple. Therapy and medication are no guarantee of success, and indeed medication can sometimes make the problem worse. Zoloft and othe
34 Aleksandar : I'm really sorry to hear that. My deepest condolences. I've seen similar situation twice. First time, back in 1994 when my relative's girl-friend comm
35 GDB : What a tragic story, but yes you should tell it, even though it's upsetting. I'm lucky to never had anyone close to me do this. Only infrequent acquai
36 Boeing Nut : Good point and duly noted.
37 ScarletHarlot : 4holer, how awful. I am so sorry. Hugs to you and to your friend's family.
38 CO7e7 : I wish i could find the right words to ease your sorrow... I'm very sorry about your Loss. I'll keep everyone involved in my thoughts and prayers.
39 Nordair : Not at all. Most people who are finally able to do the deed are convinced that their death would either have no effect or that those they leave behin
40 BHMBAGLOCK : Very sorry for what you are going through. I've been through it six times now; four of the six were close friends or family, most recently an uncle wh
41 Toulouse : At least you seem to have seen some sense towards the end (reply 36). Apart form that BoeingNut, I'm sorry but I find your comments totally lacking i
42 TWISTEDWHISPER : 4holer, Thank you for this post.It made a diffrence. It made me pick up the phone immediatly and call my friend who's going through a rough time at th
43 ZKSUJ : I am very sorry to hear about this. My thoughts with you, her family and her friends at this time.
44 4holer : Thank you. That you and others might have done that means the world to me. And thank all of you that voiced your support. I wasn't expecting that, bu
45 ArmitageShanks : We only care about it after it happens. Every time.
46 Boeing Nut : You posts and others have swayed my opinion on this matter somewhat. Ctbarnes post kinda opened my eyes on that. I still feel it is selfish, but I al
47 Toulouse : Boeing Nut, hope I didn't seem harsh, just have a strong stance on this as I have had some personal experience with it (but luckily not to the degree
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