7LBAC111 From United Kingdom, joined Jul 2004, 2566 posts, RR: 33 Posted (10 years 2 months 1 week 9 hours ago) and read 3783 times:
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. February 16th will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "football". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation
Debate is what you put on de hook when you want to catch de fish.
BN747 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 5641 posts, RR: 50
Reply 4, posted (10 years 2 months 1 week 9 hours ago) and read 3752 times:
Being desperate and under duress (Bush)... we'll comply under THREE Conditions that are termed 'deal killers'.
1) You guys dump Blair immediately!
2) Ears HAS to abdicate (Charles).
3) You guys keep 'Tea Time' to yourselves!
Quoting 7LBAC111 (Thread starter): 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
Quit yer' complainin' , whattaya talkin' about? Heath Ledger's gonna win an Oscar for Brokeback Mountain! Wait... is he aussie or brit.. aww hell it really doesn't matter now does it?
"Home of the Brave, made by the Slaves..Land of the Free, if you look like me.." T. Jefferson
Nighthawk From UK - Scotland, joined Sep 2001, 5350 posts, RR: 30
Reply 17, posted (10 years 2 months 1 week 8 hours ago) and read 3645 times:
you missed off point 21:
21) Your flag will be removed from airliners.net. Instead you will be forced to bear the union jack for the next 4 years. Anyone who complains about having to do so will be banned. Consider this punishment for not supporting the Scottish campain.
ANCFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (10 years 2 months 1 week 7 hours ago) and read 3630 times:
Quoting Gary2880 (Reply 16): have you seen the simpsons episode where they go to london and homer encoutners a roundabout while in a mini cooper
Don't really watch the Simpsons . . . but, with what little knowledge I have, I can only imagine it was like the first time I got stuck going around the Arch de Triumph in Paris in a Volkswagen Beetle (1981) . . . now that was interesting. Why is it the French don't pay attention to properly signaled lane changes and a desire to get the helloutta there???
ME AVN FAN From Algeria, joined May 2002, 13937 posts, RR: 23
Reply 21, posted (10 years 2 months 1 week 7 hours ago) and read 3616 times:
Texas independent again -- nice. And Alaska plus Northern California ? Russian again of course ! Farbankov and Ankorov as major cities of Alaska. And what about San Franziskitch ! Kansas and Oklahoma united with Texas . And Continental Airlines and American Airlines merged as Texas Republic Airlines = TRA