MD11Engineer From Germany, joined Oct 2003, 14365 posts, RR: 62 Posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 2403 times:
A few weeks ago I asked for advice concerning my teenage daughter, who has run away from home in Sacramento, Ca., after a fight with her mother.
Here is an update:
About a week ago, I finally got into contact with her after spending several days calling the police and her school. She spent two weeks in some undisclosed location she wouldn't speak about, but then, through a friend, turned to a Mexican woman (this friend's niece), who is a social worker working with criminal teenagers. Since then she has been staying with this lady, who has convinced her to go back to school.
She still refuses to return to her mother and clearly states that if forced to return, she would run away again. On the other hand she wants to stay in Ca, where her friends live. I also agree that at her stage a change back to the German school system (and different curriculum) would just impede her progress. After springbreak she is supposed to work on an intensive programme made up of homestudy and tution by a teacher to catch up on what she has missed.
The missing persons report is still filed, but at the moment not active while the Child Protective Services evaluate the case, since her current residence is known to the police and she is not hiding anymore.
Her mother, who believes in absolute obidience, if necessary enforced with a stick, is furious because I refuse to back her notion that Jessica should return to her. She also realised that, once Jessica is not living with her anymore, the child support I pay every month will go to the caretaker of Jessica instead of her and she might have problems with her mortgage payments (Tough sh*t!).
She will also loose a lot of face within the Filipino community in Sacramento if Jessica is being taken out of her care.
Currently the CPS and police are checking out the background of the woman Jessica is staying with (she is in her early 20s and Jessica sees her as something like an older sister), and if it agrees with what I've been told by her and Jessica, I wouldn't have a problem in giving my consent that Jessica will stay there permanetly. She seems to genuinely care about Jessica and she seems to be able to handle her (she already made her quit smoking).
She is still in love with the guy with the criminal history (gangbanger, drug dealer, car thief), but apparently they had a fight a few weeks ago and as a result he doesn't contact her anymore. I'm actually quite happy about this development, though I wouldn't tell it to her face. I hope this love will fizzle out soon and maybe she'll find somebody more appropiate.
FlightShadow From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 1056 posts, RR: 6
Reply 2, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 2375 times:
All the best to you and your daughter.
One of my neighbors pulled a stunt like this a few months ago. Wreaked living hell upon all of us in the neighborhood and at school, I can only begin to imagine what it must have been like for her mom. Hopefully it all works out for you
"When the tide goes out, you can tell who was skinnydipping."
MD11Engineer From Germany, joined Oct 2003, 14365 posts, RR: 62
Reply 4, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 2338 times:
Well, actually I don't care for her mom. She only seems to be interested that Jessica should come back, begging for forgiveness, so that she'll keep her face with the Filipino community and that she'll continue to receive the child support money (which in fact isn't her's but the daughter's, to be used by the caretaker, in this case the mother, for the benefit of the child).
Copaair737 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 2281 times:
Nice. At least your daughter will be in a situation where she is happy now. Living in an authoritarian household can be very stressful. I'm glad you found her though. Her disappearance probably had you on edge the entire time she was gone.
Searpqx From Netherlands, joined Jun 2000, 4344 posts, RR: 10
Reply 9, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 3 hours ago) and read 2236 times:
I'm glad you've made contact again. Not knowing really is the worst. Hope everything works out going forward. Sounds like your daughter is very intelligent, just very headstrong. Given the chances you're giving her, I bet she'll make the right decisions.
"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity"
Wrighbrothers From United Kingdom, joined Jul 2005, 1875 posts, RR: 9
Reply 15, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 1883 times:
I'm sorry to hear your daughter went missing. But glad to hear she's okay, perhaps that's the best thing, that's she's good as well.
Hopefully things will work out, I truly do, just rejoce in the fact she's okay, it's better than not knowing where she is
Best of luck
Always stand up for what is right, even if it means standing alone..
SFOMEX From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 1735 times:
I don't pretend to know the situation your daughter faced at home with her mother, but unless your former wife was either abusing or neglecting her, I think a teenager should be living with at least one of his/her parents.
Just my two cents.
Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 7): BTW, I have been a Sacramento resident for the last 22 years.
Cool! I lived in Sacramento for some years and I miss the city and its people. I used to live not far from the Cathedral and the Capitol, near the Sutter General Hospital. A nice place to live.
ScarletHarlot From Canada, joined Jul 2003, 4673 posts, RR: 56
Reply 23, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks ago) and read 1585 times:
Jan, I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this difficult situation, so far from your daughter, and without good judgement from her mother. I hope your daughter will find her way soon. It is good that she has a good friend and role model who will take her in. Best wishes to both of you!
MD11Engineer From Germany, joined Oct 2003, 14365 posts, RR: 62
Reply 24, posted (8 years 10 months 2 weeks 6 days 19 hours ago) and read 1519 times:
For me the problem is that, except for short visits, I can't go to the US (I won't get a work visa, there are enough unemployed A&P mechanics on the street in the US due to various airline bankruptcies, so I'm tied to Europe). My Ex seems to be primarely interested in the child support money, I know if I stop paying it to her, she'll have problems with her mortgage, plus she tries to raise Jessica in a way, which might be enforcable in a rural Filipino village, where everybody watches everybody, but a teenager, who has grown up in both urban Europe and the US, demands different freedoms. You can't just lock a girl away "so that she won't get tempted and loose her virginity before marriage". Depending on her age, you'll have to give a teenager certain freedoms and you'll hqave, as a parent, to find the balance between controlling them and giving them freedom, e.g. to go out with friends.
My Ex still comes from a generation in the Philippines where women were only considered adult if they were either married or well into their 20s, under old Filipino laws, women were not considered fully responsible for themselves until they were 26 years old, e.g. they had to ask their parents for permission to get married by law. This law fortunately doesn't exist anymore and only applied to women, not to men. In case they gotz married the husband took over the parent's role.
Also traditional Filipino society, as still seen in rural areas, demands absolute obidience from children towards the parents, not matter how old they are, and younger brethren have to obey their older brothers and sisters and do chores for them.
I have the feeling that my ex doesn't really understand the relations between freedom and responsibility as they are required in a free modern society, and, same as e.g. many Turkish immigrants in Europe, turns to excessive traditional values, only for her it is Catholicism and not Islam.