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Relationship Problem  
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1277 times:

Ok, so i've been with my girlfriend now about 3 months. And dont get me wrong I absolutely love her. But sometimes I have trouble showing it. I just get hung up on the mushy lovey stuff. Again, dont get me wrong I tell her I love her all the time, but she takes it way too far, like she says it too me like every 10 minutes when we're talking. It sort of bothers me. In fact, as i type this she said it again... But anyways, Am I just an insensitive bastard? This really is bothering me as she is my first serious relationship and I dont want to screw it up.


Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
22 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineBDKLEZ From Ireland, joined Jun 2005, 1735 posts, RR: 10
Reply 1, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1273 times:

Why not talk to her about it instead of asking a load of faceless strangers on the net, who whatever advice they give, will never have the relationship with her that you do.

Or talk to a mate, or a big brother or something.



Trespassers will be shot; survivors will be shot again!
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Reply 2, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1270 times:

Quoting BDKLEZ (Reply 1):
Why not talk to her about it instead of asking a load of faceless strangers on the net,

Thats part of it i guess, I cant do that as I dont want to upset, as I think it might. But as for the strangers, ya, some are, but i consider many folks here friends, no matter if I've never actually met them.

Quoting BDKLEZ (Reply 1):
Or talk to a mate,

Well as none of my frineds can hold a relation ship for more then a week their no help. But I asked another friend and she said to talk to her too... but again, dont want to get her upset



Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
User currently offlineArmitageShanks From UK - England, joined Dec 2003, 3649 posts, RR: 15
Reply 3, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1261 times:

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
been with my girlfriend now about 3 months.



Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
I absolutely love her

You've been dating her for three months and you love her?

You're young. Give it time.


User currently offlineAndesSMF From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1259 times:

Dude, there is almost no chance that if you are 20 than you could be in a 'serious' relationship. Please dont take it the wrong way, but you have a lot of life ahead of you and if this is your first relationship, there is a hell of a lot to learn about women.

Mushy stuff with women is good, but depends on how much. Saying I love you every 10 minutes is a bit much IMHO. But I dont know what else you are doing/not doing. You must always remember to do several things with women. Do say 'I love you' with frequency, do hold their hands, a good back rub or massage will get you a long way. Communication is paramount, and do share opinions.


User currently offlineLnglive1011yyz From Canada, joined Oct 2003, 1608 posts, RR: 15
Reply 5, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1259 times:

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
Ok, so i've been with my girlfriend now about 3 months. And dont get me wrong I absolutely love her. But sometimes I have trouble showing it. I just get hung up on the mushy lovey stuff. Again, dont get me wrong I tell her I love her all the time, but she takes it way too far, like she says it too me like every 10 minutes when we're talking. It sort of bothers me. In fact, as i type this she said it again... But anyways, Am I just an insensitive bastard? This really is bothering me as she is my first serious relationship and I dont want to screw it up.

First off, LOL, I'm CERTAINLY not a professional in this at all. I've been single for about 5 years. LOL. But..

I find it intriguing that after 3 months, she's saying she loves you very frequently. I don't know your situation, so I don't know how long you knew her before hand, but I find that to be odd.. Love is a very strong and powerful emotion and word. In my opinion, its used today improperly. I'd be suspect at the fact that she's saying this so often, so soon. I mean, at 3 months, a "I love you" just as you're about to hang up a phone call, or say goodbye after dropping her off is fine.. but repeating it over and over, makes me wonder why she's over-compensating..

Secondly, you're not an insensitive bastard. LOL.. Everyone deals with this kind of thing differently.

You need to determine your comfort zone, and where you draw the line, and you need to communicate that to her. If a loving nickname and the occasional 'Kiss kiss" sound on the phone are as far as you want to go "mushy" wise, then, communicate that to her.

One thing that people have difficulty with in relationships is the communication aspect.. Just communicate to her your comfort levels when it comes to pooky pooky stuff, and hopefully she'll understand. But, at the same time, reinforce that you are enjoying being her boyfriend, and that you want to continue being her boyfriend.

Communication and trust are key to relationships.

1011yyz. (Mike)



Pack your bags, we're going on a sympathy trip!
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Reply 6, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 1251 times:

Quoting ArmitageShanks (Reply 3):
You've been dating her for three months and you love her



Thought so. She likes me for me. Puts up with my aviation geekness  Wink likes videogames. But besides that its jsut we get on so well its like we just clicked.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
Dude, there is almost no chance that if you are 20 than you could be in a 'serious' relationship.

18 actually  Wink But I say serious becasue its has lasted longer then my others eg: less then a month.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
Please dont take it the wrong way

No I diddnt  Wink



Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
User currently offlinePlanespotting From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 3541 posts, RR: 5
Reply 7, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 1233 times:

Quoting Cadet57 (Reply 6):
Puts up with my aviation geekness

i've found that many girls, once they get to know you, actually find the aviation geekiness extremely cute, haha.



Do you like movies about gladiators?
User currently offlineSenorcarnival From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 1231 times:

With the fear of sounding like fatherly advice, here we go: there are many things in life that you'll have to do that you'd rather not. Telling your girlfriend to lay off on the I love yous a bit may be one of them. If she truly does love you, she'll understand that you still love her yet you do not feel the need to express it every ten minutes. Good luck!

User currently offlineZKSUJ From New Zealand, joined May 2004, 7111 posts, RR: 12
Reply 9, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 5 hours ago) and read 1186 times:

Tell her that if she over uses the phrase that it may loose its meaning or sentimental value after a while.

Its true!!!


User currently offlineCPDC10-30 From United Kingdom, joined Feb 2000, 4811 posts, RR: 23
Reply 10, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 4 hours ago) and read 1181 times:

Quoting Lnglive1011yyz (Reply 5):
I find it intriguing that after 3 months, she's saying she loves you very frequently. I don't know your situation, so I don't know how long you knew her before hand, but I find that to be odd..

I don't think its odd at all - just part of her character. My partner and I have been together for seven and a half years, and we've been doing the "luvey duvey" thing since a few weeks after we started going out. Some other couples find us a bit weird for that - but hey, everyone's different.

Quoting Planespotting (Reply 7):
i've found that many girls, once they get to know you, actually find the aviation geekiness extremely cute, haha.

 checkmark  That is so true. Most "real" girls want someone who is comfortable with himself.


User currently offlineNkops From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 2711 posts, RR: 6
Reply 11, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 1156 times:

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
like she says it too me like every 10 minutes when we're talking

I find that very annoying actually (not to be mean)... does she always expect you to say it back, because it sounds like some insecurity there!!!

Quoting Planespotting (Reply 7):
i've found that many girls, once they get to know you, actually find the aviation geekiness extremely cute, haha.

Tell my wife that, please!!!



I have no association with Spirit Airlines
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Reply 12, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 1155 times:

Quoting Nkops (Reply 11):
I find that very annoying actually (not to be mean)... does she always expect you to say it back

I find it annoying as well. But IDK if she expects it, id guess so, but I could be wrong.

Quoting Nkops (Reply 11):
Tell my wife that, please!!!

Dear Mrs. Nkops, please support your husbands aviation hobby.  Wink



Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
User currently offlineTexan From New Zealand, joined Dec 2003, 4287 posts, RR: 52
Reply 13, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days 2 hours ago) and read 1147 times:

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
But sometimes I have trouble showing it. I just get hung up on the mushy lovey stuff.

Right. You're a guy. Guys typically have trouble with this stuff. We don't like to get in too deep and we don't like to express certain things. Moreover, when somebody attempts to get us to do so it just ends up annoying us or pissing us off.

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
I tell her I love her all the time, but she takes it way too far, like she says it too me like every 10 minutes when we're talking.

Right. She's a girl. Women tend to look for the emotional attachment and make sure we know what they think, what they feel, all the time. The reason is to get us to say it back or something similar back. They want to have the reciprocity. The expression of these feelings and emotions are of very high importance to women, and hearing them back from their men is necessary to make them feel safe and wanted.

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
Am I just an insensitive bastard?

Yes, but it's not your fault: you're a guy. We're all insensitive bastards  Silly

No, you are not. You are a typical male in this situation. Relationships require give and take, finding some middle ground, and then making sure you both meet there. Talk with her, tell her how you feel about her, all the mushy things she wants to hear, and then just tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable saying them all the time. Men tend to try to show appreciation more than state it, so just remember to show your appreciation and emotion sometimes, whether through flowers, a little card, or whatever. Remember to tell her the mushy things ocassionally as they will make her feel like everything is ok, that she is not doing something wrong. But talk to her about it, find some middle ground, and go from there. Best advice I can give you.

The only way to screw it up is to not talk, to stay quiet, to grow resentful, and end up getting really angry about it, taking it out on her in some way be it yelling at her or leaving her. You say she likes you for you. Then tell her what you think about it and why, but make sure she knows all the mushy stuff you feel about her too.

Texan



"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
User currently offlineMD80fanatic From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 2661 posts, RR: 9
Reply 14, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days ago) and read 1119 times:

It sounds like she has already detected that you are annoyed about something, leading to increased insecurity which then leads to more of what you are annoyed at.

Make sure you talk to her one on one, be sure she understands how you truly feel about her. She needs to know that the more she says "I love you" the less it means to you, literally. Love is an emotion that is better shown than talked about.

Good Luck.


User currently offlineLindy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 2 days ago) and read 1116 times:

Quoting Cadet57 (Reply 6):
Thought so. She likes me for me. Puts up with my aviation geekness likes videogames.

That quote is very funny  Smile Wait until you get married, she will literaly castrate you from your aviation interest  Smile


User currently offlineIFACN From Italy, joined Nov 2005, 153 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 1090 times:

Quoting Lindy (Reply 15):
Wait until you get married, she will literaly castrate you from your aviation interest

Sure! Before marriage, it's mostly marketing. Or a demo, as you prefer!  Smile
You see all the good things, not the drawbacks! Big grin


As per the original problem,

Quoting Cadet57 (Thread starter):
Ok, so i've been with my girlfriend now about 3 months. And dont get me wrong I absolutely love her. But sometimes I have trouble showing it.

I'm absolutely no one to give relationship advice, but I think that there's not a "standard" way to show one's feelings. Everyone has its own way. There's not an absolute measure that says "too much" or "too few", there's only the personal view ("I think it's too much/too few").
Of course when I was 18 as the thread starter, I had the same doubts and uncertainty about how to live my relationships. Now, at 36, I know my way a bit more.

Cadet57, just relax and enjoy your relationship at the best you can; if you really were an "insensitive bastard" as you wrote, you'd never post your doubts here.

...and, yes, girls are really really important, but also aviation, videogames and your other favourite hobbies deserve their time.

A.


User currently offlineDeltaDC9 From United States of America, joined Apr 2006, 2844 posts, RR: 4
Reply 17, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 1081 times:

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
Dude, there is almost no chance that if you are 20 than you could be in a 'serious' relationship. Please dont take it the wrong way, but you have a lot of life ahead of you and if this is your first relationship, there is a hell of a lot to learn about women.

Very good advice

Quoting Nkops (Reply 11):
because it sounds like some insecurity there!!!

Very obvious.

If you can't tell her that she is smothering you and come to a comprimise, it really doenst make any difference if you love each other or not, you do not have a healthy relationship.

20, huh? When I was 20 I was dating a flight attendant and thought that it was the relationship of a lifetime. There are a lot of women and a hell of a lot of fun between that girl and my wife, who really is the ONE.

You can't get where I am if you stay in unhealthy and unfufulling relationships and let the good ones pass you by because you are hung up on a dead end. Fix it or bail.

Remember, love is a feeling, not a decision, and sometimes feelings can be for people who are incapable of or not ready to have a healthy relationships.



Dont take life too seriously because you will never get out of it alive - Bugs Bunny
User currently offlineClassicLover From Ireland, joined Mar 2004, 4660 posts, RR: 23
Reply 18, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 1067 times:

Quoting MD80fanatic (Reply 14):
It sounds like she has already detected that you are annoyed about something, leading to increased insecurity which then leads to more of what you are annoyed at.

*ding ding*

That plus insecurity.

I've been in the same situation myself. The more I felt something was up, the more I had to express how I felt to make sure everything was okay.



I do quite enjoy a spot of flying - more so when it's not in Economy!
User currently offlineHAWK21M From India, joined Jan 2001, 31712 posts, RR: 56
Reply 19, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 1029 times:

Just be yourself.
regds
MEL



Think of the brighter side!
User currently offlineKiwiinOz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 20, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 1024 times:

Quoting Planespotting (Reply 7):
i've found that many girls, once they get to know you, actually find the aviation geekiness extremely cute, haha.



Quoting CPDC10-30 (Reply 10):
That is so true. Most "real" girls want someone who is comfortable with himself.

 rotfl   rotfl   rotfl   rotfl   rotfl 

Yeah, the chicks love it!


User currently offlineAirPacific747 From Denmark, joined May 2008, 2484 posts, RR: 24
Reply 21, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 1022 times:

Quoting Texan (Reply 13):
Yes, but it's not your fault: you're a guy. We're all insensitive bastards

 Big grin lol hey speak for yourself, mate  Wink


User currently offlineRolfen From Germany, joined Jan 2006, 1809 posts, RR: 2
Reply 22, posted (8 years 7 months 2 weeks 19 hours ago) and read 994 times:

maybe explain it to her just like you explained it to us.


rolf
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