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How About Some Sick Jokes To Pass Some Time?  
User currently offlineLax From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 2290 posts, RR: 3
Posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 4377 times:

How about a good, old-fashioned "Sick Joke" post here!!??

Who's got some beauts??

Anybody recall the "Little Willie" series of sick jokes?

OK .... Let's start the unpleasantness with these homey jingles ......

Little Willie with a shout,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out!
Stomped on them to make them pop.
Mother said, "Now Willie, stop!"


Willie, with a thirst for gore.
Nailed the baby to the door!
Willie's mother shouts, with humor quaint,
'Careful, Will, don't mar the paint!'


Willie poisoned Auntie's tea.
Auntie died in agony.
Uncle came and looked quite vexed ....
"Really, Will," he said, "what next?"


Little Willie, mean as hell.
Drowned his sister in the well.
Mother said, while drawing water,
"Gee, it's hard to raise a daughter."


Little Willie on his bike
Through the village took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk;
She will live, but still can't talk.


Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it's quite a lark,
To see her shining in the dark.

---------------------------------------------

 Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile



66 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineLax From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 2290 posts, RR: 3
Reply 1, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 4188 times:

Susan: "Mommy, mommy, Billy just threw up!"

Mother: "But, Susan, why are YOU crying?"

Susan: "Because HE'S getting all the big pieces!!"

----------------------

Now THAT'S a good solid entry, I'm sure you'll agree!!  Big thumbs up  Smile Smile


User currently offlineLubcha132 From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2776 posts, RR: 7
Reply 2, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 4189 times:

i apologize for this joke in advance i will probably get caned by someone for it. the subject is an excellent artist and an overall cool guy and there is nothing wrong with being vision impaired.
---
--
-
Did you see stevie wonder's new house?
---
--
-
Neither did he


User currently offlineBlink182 From Azerbaijan, joined Oct 1999, 5480 posts, RR: 15
Reply 3, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 10 hours ago) and read 4164 times:

God, those are hilarious Big grin Big grin
rgds,
blink182



Give me a break, I created this username when I was a kid...
User currently offlineIhadapheo From United States of America, joined Sep 2001, 6027 posts, RR: 55
Reply 4, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 4148 times:

Lubcha132, I heard just about the same joke about stevie wonder's new house, but the joke was did you see stevie wonder's hair with the reply being......

Neither did he



politically correct disclaimer ..... the joke in no way reflects my opinion on Mr. Wonder





Pray hard but pray with care For the tears that you are crying now Are just your answered prayers
User currently offlineDragogoalie From Australia, joined Oct 2001, 1220 posts, RR: 6
Reply 5, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 4143 times:

Two friends decide to take off this weekend to go camping. They hop in a car and drive all the way to this mountian. They drive up as far as they could, then they rented donkeys to take them the rest of the way. They finally reach the top and found a good place to pitch the tent. Anyway, that night, while they are both in the tent, one guy says "man I really gotta take a leak" so he goes outside. While he's out there, the other friend hears "OWW...I just got bit (you can guess where) by a rattle snake. Go down the mountian to find a doctor to see what we should do!!" So the guy hops on the donkey, rides down to the car, ties the donkey up, hops in the car and rides into town. Luckilly the first person he sees in town was a doctor. He said "my friend was just bitten by a rattle snake, what do we do?" "Suck the poison out and he should be fine." So the friend hops back in the car, drives to his donkey, hops on the donkey and rides back up to the campsite. Uppon arival he sees that his friend isn't doing too well. The friend asks "what the doctor say?" The reply:


"youre gonna die"

:D



Formerly known as Jap. Srsly. AUSTRALIA: 2 days!
User currently offlineDesertJets From United States of America, joined Feb 2000, 7774 posts, RR: 16
Reply 6, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 4132 times:

*lol*

Ok here is one bad joke to be added to the pile.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree???



Because it was dead.

Why did the squirel fall out of the tree???





Because it was stapled to the monkey!!!!

*hehe*



Stop drop and roll will not save you in hell. --- seen on a church marque in rural Virginia
User currently offlineInbound From Trinidad and Tobago, joined Sep 2001, 851 posts, RR: 2
Reply 7, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 4133 times:

don't attack me on this one, I'm just passing along a sick joke I heard recently ;

This 'country guy' is screwing this girl and then he asks her to roll over so he can hit it from behind.
The girl says 'isn't that a bit too perverted??'

the country guys says "perverted??".....that's a big word for an 8 year old to know.

now that's sick!
 Insane



Maintain own separation with terrain!
User currently offlineGDB From United Kingdom, joined May 2001, 13187 posts, RR: 77
Reply 8, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 4126 times:

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. Seen the mess snails leave?

Back in the days of the French Foreign Legion in North Africa, one Legionairre, stuck in a remote Sahara Desert castle, was missing sex soooo much, irt made him fustrated and was getting him in trouble with the officers.
He was marched in front of the commander and was asked to explain his bad attitude.
'It's just that I miss sex so', he told his commander.
'Well, if you're that desperate, use the camel in the yard', said the commander.
'No way', the Legionairre thought to himself.
A few weeks later, alone on guard duty one night, he looked at the camel and thought, 'I need to get laid, that thing's better than nothing, no-ones around.' So he did the dirty with a bemused camel.
His comrades noticed his mood had changed next day, and asked why.
'Well, I needed sex so bad, so I screwed the camel.'
His comrades were horrified, called him a sick pervert.
'Hey look, don't blame me, the commander said if I was that desperate, to use the camel' the Legionairre protested.
One of his friends shot back, 'you were supposed to ride it to the brothel in town!' Big grin


User currently offlineUs330 From United States of America, joined Aug 2000, 3871 posts, RR: 14
Reply 9, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 4121 times:

What do Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson have in common?













Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson f*cks little children in the a$$.


User currently offlineGDB From United Kingdom, joined May 2001, 13187 posts, RR: 77
Reply 10, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 4122 times:

Hey! don't be so hard on Jacko, he had a drink problem.
But now he's down to two tots a day!
:D



User currently offlineLearpilot From United States of America, joined May 2001, 814 posts, RR: 1
Reply 11, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 4107 times:

What's the difference between a refrigerator and Richard Simmons?

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out!



Heed our warnings or your future will be underpant free!
User currently offlineHubris From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 4104 times:

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?


A. When they come they’re wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them.


User currently offlineLeftseat86 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 4097 times:

LOL ROFL! Big grin Big grin Big grin  Laugh out loud !!!
Ianhol posted this a little while ago:
Arguing is like running in the special olympics,
even if you win, you're still a retard!

 Smile


User currently offlineGDB From United Kingdom, joined May 2001, 13187 posts, RR: 77
Reply 14, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 4095 times:

Of course I only sleep with homeless women,
so much easier to get them to stay the whole night.....and you can drop them off anywhere in the morning! Big grin


User currently offlineJetService From United States of America, joined Feb 2000, 4798 posts, RR: 11
Reply 15, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 4091 times:

Q: Why don't you have oral sex with a woman in the morning?
A: Ever try to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart?

A guy picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home. While performing oral sex on her, he comes accross a piece of carrot. He continues and comes across a piece of potato. Agitated, he continues then comes across a pea. Angry, he says, "Damn, bitch, are your sick or something?" She says, "No, but the guy before you was."

A guy walks into a whore-house with only 5 bucks. The madam explains that for that money all he can get is Sandpaper Sally. He said, 'what the hell'. He soon find out why they call her Sandpaper Sally. The sex is incredibly rough. It becomes too unbearable and he says, "I can't do this. It hurts too much." She says, "Hold on, I'll be right back." She comes back and the sex is nice and slippery. He said, "That's MUCH better, what did you do?" She said, "I picked the scabs."

A man walks into a bar. It's his 30th birthday, and he's still a virgin. He swears he will get himself laid no matter what. But its 2am and closing time, and still no luck. Drunk off his ass, he sees an 80 year old woman at the end of the bar. He's so drunk and desperate, he thinks, 'well, I promised myself'. So he propositions the old lady and to his suprise, she accepts. He takes her home and takes her blouse off. He starts to suck on her wrinkly nipple when a warm fluid comes out. The man looks up and says, "No offense, but I figured you'd be too old to give milk." She says, "Oh, I'm much too old to give milk, sonny, but I'm not too old to have cancer."



"Shaddap you!"
User currently offlineSophieMaltese From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2064 posts, RR: 3
Reply 16, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 4087 times:

I just got this one in the mail...


HAVING A BAD DAY...

The next time you're having a bad day,
imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin. Your brother,
attached at your

shoulder is gay and you're not. But you
have the only ass


User currently offlineJj From Algeria, joined Jun 2001, 1227 posts, RR: 2
Reply 17, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 4083 times:

silly questions:

why are ciggaretes sold at gas stations, if people are not allowed to smoke there?

if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

what would happen if one brother of a siamese pair was sentence to dead with letal injection?

in food advertisements you see people eating, in cars advertisements you see people driving, why in condons advertisements we don't see people f......?

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash Iron, Fuck, Etc."






User currently offlineJj From Algeria, joined Jun 2001, 1227 posts, RR: 2
Reply 18, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 4070 times:


a pilot is a guy that speaks about women when he's on the plane, and about plames when he's with a woman


User currently offlineLax From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 2290 posts, RR: 3
Reply 19, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 4057 times:

Willie looking in the gun,
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"




User currently offlineHSV From Australia, joined Sep 2001, 171 posts, RR: 0
Reply 20, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 4036 times:

Q: What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line of blondes?

A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.


User currently offlineNikonF100 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 18 hours ago) and read 4023 times:

Q: Why was the drinking age raised to 32 in West Virginia?
A: To keep booze out of the high-schools.

This one's really bad...sorry if I offend any women...

Q: Why did God give women yeast infections?
A: So they'd know what it's like to live with an irritating c_nt

Two brothers join the Army and are getting physicals.
The doctor examines them and says, "My God, you guys have the biggest penises I've ever seen. I guess you got those from your father, eh?"
One of the brothers says, "No, we got them from our mother."
The doctor says, "What the Hell are you talking about?"
The other brother says, "She only had one arm, and getting us in and out of the bath tub, she managed as best she could."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him to fish, and he'll call in sick, sit in a boat, and drink beer and fart all day.

HAHAHA


User currently offlineHeavymetal From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 22, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 4010 times:

(Apologies to West Virginians, but I lived in Cleveland for 5 years and when they want to make fun of rednecks and hillbillies, you guys are the "go-to" region. In Michigan, it tends to be those from the Upper Peninsula who are the default rednecks, and in Texas the scorn is reserved for Oklahomans. Anyway, here we go Smile


Q: What do a Tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common?
A: Either way, someone's gonna lose a mobile home.

Q: What's the definition of a virgin in West Virginia?
A: A girl who can run faster than her brother.


And my all time favorite:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a s**t in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbitt and says:
"Lemme ask you something....does s**t stick to your fur?"
The rabbit is a bit puzzled by the directness of the question, but looks to the bear and truthfully replies:
"Uhhh....no, I can't say that it does."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

 Smile/happy/getting dizzy  Smile/happy/getting dizzy  Smile/happy/getting dizzy  Smile/happy/getting dizzy  Smile/happy/getting dizzy

(I do know jokes so sick I wont post them here though!)


User currently offlineBernard Shakey From United States of America, joined Oct 2001, 560 posts, RR: 9
Reply 23, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 4001 times:

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His d*ck was stuck in the chicken.



Mindless drifter on the road, Carries such an easy load
User currently offlineLubcha132 From United States of America, joined Feb 2001, 2776 posts, RR: 7
Reply 24, posted (12 years 9 months 2 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 3986 times:

those are so wrong but its still funny.

25 FlyBoeing : So you have a Princeton man, a Brown man, and a Dartmouth man trying to join the CIA. They pass all of the tests and everything, and the only thing le
26 FlyBoeing : A guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. 'Open the fucking safe' he yells at the girl behind the counter. 'But we're not a real b
27 Cheeks : What's Michael Jackson's favourite songs. I'm forever blowing bubbles and dont let your son go down on me.
28 Post contains images An-225 : Oh, these are so bad... but there ya go. A daughter walks up to her father and says - daddy, can I go to the dance tonight? Daddy says - yeah, if you
29 Post contains images Hubris : Two sperms swimming along... #1 Are we close to the egg, yet? #2 Huh? We're not even past the esophagus!
30 Post contains images Lax : Thanks for all this fine family-orienting reading material !! You guys are good !! Here are my favorites thus far from you guys .......... Q: What do
31 Lax : Little Willie hung his sister, She was dead before we missed her. "Willie's always up to tricks! Ain't he cute? He's only six!"
32 Megaptera : I know I'll probably go to hell for this but what the heck... A paedophile is leading a small child into a forest one dark and stormy night. The wind
33 N949WP : Why do dogs chase cats? They like pussies.
34 Post contains links Lax : D'oh !!!! http://www.augustjokes.com/Jokes/hommer.htm
35 Post contains links Lax : Poor little fella ........... http://www.augustjokes.com/Jokes/dicklife.htm
36 Post contains images Lax :
37 Post contains links Lax : http://www.augustjokes.com/Jokes/donuts.htm
38 Lax : You might be a Redneck if... Fewer than half of your cars run.
39 Post contains images Lax :
40 Post contains images Ren41 : Here's a really old one that I'm sure most og you have heard before. It also isn't too funny. --What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in
41 Lehpron : The Adult Version of 'The Night Before Christmas' 'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in h
42 Post contains images Lax : Lehpron....... Very Nice indeed ! Didn't I hear Perry Como sing that version on his last Christmas Special?
43 WillL : How can you tell if Micheal Jackson has company? There is a merry-go-round outside his house Whats the difference between Micheal Jackson and a plasti
44 Post contains images Lehpron : Lax, you're funny man, I can't get that baby outta my head! Dude, you're on my list. Also, I just thought I'd throw in the word "penis" just because
45 BNE : Sorry I don't mean to offend but if you want some sick jokes I got some. Babies Q. Whats better than 2 babies in 1 bucket. A. 1 baby in 2 buckets. Q.
46 Airlinelover : Here's one I read a long time ago.. (Forgive me if I type it wrong..) A Blonde female is driving on the Expressway. FAST. A cop sees her and pulls her
47 GDB : Blind man was walking down the street with his guide dog, (that's a seeing-eye dog for you Americans!), they stopped to cross the road. As they waited
48 Post contains images Lax :
49 Delboy : Q. When does the blind parachutist know when to pull the chord? A. When the dog lead goes slack. ***************************************** This is TH
50 Delboy : Today Class", said the teacher, "we are going to learn all about the word 'Contagious'. Can anyone give me a sentence with the word Contagious in it"
51 Post contains images Aerokid : Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side with their ears against each other? A: A wind tunnel Best regards, GR.
52 Post contains images Aerokid : A farmer and his wife are living happy together on their farm. They have a 33-year old son, who still lives with them and helps his parents on the far
53 Bryan Becker : This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, d
54 Post contains images Bryan Becker : enjoy my friends.................................................
55 HSV : Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline
56 CXA330-342 : On the chalkboard, the English teacher wrote: I didn't have no fun last weekend. Teacher: How can I correct this? Shy student: You could get a boyfrie
57 Atb2 : What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his ass. Hoover
58 747buff : Q: What's the difference between a priest and a hooker in a bathtub? A: The priest has a soul full of hope.
59 PROSA : Did you hear about the upcoming movie, Superman in New York? It has a new opening line: "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, It's Sup - oh
60 Jj : not to offend anybody: Superman passes over the towers, Spiderman climbs the towers, Musulman penetrates the towers.
61 Post contains images SEVEN_FIFTY7 : Doctor Bernstein's Attorney: Listen Phil, yesterday I've gotten word that you've tried to fuck your fifth patient. Dr. Bernstein: Well look counsel, y
62 Airplanenut : A business man says: "It's a pleasure doing business with you." A whore says: "It's business doing pleasures with you!!!" Jeremy
63 Post contains images Mr Spaceman : Why did Helen Keller "fire" her maid? Because her maid left the plunger in the toilet!!! I told that joke to my mom, and she just looked at me and sai
64 Lax : My plunger is constantly being left in the toilet!!
65 Post contains images Lax : "Ward, weren't you just a wee bit hard on the Beaver last night?" ........
66 Braniff Place : A man needs to relieve himself on the plane but all the restrooms are occupied so he asked a stewardess where he could go, she said "try the new ladie
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