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My Situation Or How To Cope With Bitterness  
User currently offlineAleksandar From Serbia, joined Jul 2000, 3235 posts, RR: 32
Posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 2396 times:

About two weeks ago, I started a thread and received so much courage from all of you. Those were scary days both for me and my family. My aunt was admitted to hospital exactly on my birthday, staff was all but friendly there. Without your posts, IMs and e-mails, it would be even more difficult for me to cope with that, so thank you all so much.

My aunt is home now. Doctor didn't sound promising, but we'll fight. I'd rather not go into into medical details here, so try to understand me. Right now, I'm taking one day at a time and one problems at a time doing my best not even to think about the future challenges.

What is bothering me is how to cope with my own bitterness. During this difficult period something strange, but not new happened to me. I could rely to all of you while I was contantly betrayed by some of the people I considered close to me. I mentioned the ugly scene with my relatives in the US, but there are also so many similar scenes here. Our house was once a happy place, always filled with laughter. Our doors were always opened. Ever since my aunt got sick (well, even before that, since my grandfather died) and especially when my mother had to fight with Hodgkin's disease, friends and many relatives were slowly forgetting us. Now, there is just a very small number of people that care about our situation. The same thing happened to me personally. Most of my friends have abandonded me, avoiding me on the street and some are even openly hostile.

It all makes me feel very bitter and I don't know how to handle my own bitterness. Anyone had similar experience?


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10 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineCharlienorth From United States of America, joined Jun 2006, 1119 posts, RR: 5
Reply 1, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 2377 times:

The avoidance is not uncommon,maybe some of it is guilt about not being there for you,if you're a church guy it might not be a bad idea to speak to a clergyman,sometimes that is not easy because some may not be "safe" to talk to,but if you have one you trust it could help. I'm glad to hear she is home,it's good to get out of the place she was in,recovery is difficult in an atmosphere like that,as always best wishes to you and your family..

User currently offlineAleksandar From Serbia, joined Jul 2000, 3235 posts, RR: 32
Reply 2, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 2368 times:

Quoting Charlienorth (Reply 1):
The avoidance is not uncommon

Well, you hit the right thing. Is avoidance in such situations so common? You mentioned guilt and I've seen some of it but not as much as I saw indiference, fear (that is something I can't explain to myself. After all, we're not talking about ebola) or even complete change of attitude towards us that leads even to hatred.



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User currently offlineCharlienorth From United States of America, joined Jun 2006, 1119 posts, RR: 5
Reply 3, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 2359 times:

Some of the fear is the're facing their own potential infirmaties,I don't know how to explain it , in a lot of ways this is a mirror of my situation,I did find out who my true friends were through this

User currently offlineAndesSMF From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 2338 times:

Quoting Aleksandar (Reply 2):
Is avoidance in such situations so common?

Yes, very difficult for someone to find out what to say or do to make you feel any better. You do get to find out who your true family/friends are during tough moments.

Quoting Aleksandar (Thread starter):
Anyone had similar experience?

Recently (2004) lost a baby at 12 weeks of pregnancy. Very tough for us, since we already had a girl and a boy, all we cared for was a healthy baby to be the icing on the parenthood cake.

This could have destroyed us mentally very easily. All I could think of was how grateful I was to have two healthy kids, when others are not so fortunate. My wife agreed. The 2004 tsunami occurred a few days after we buried Alex, giving us further belief in our luck and a new realization of how precious life is.

BTW, my wife (verified by witnesses and the doctor) had a dream where Alex told her he had died and that everything would be OK. The doctor confirmed that the dream coincided with his death. What do you make of that?

Life is full of lessons, some easy, some tough. We might not realize why we go thru some of the problems we go thru. I went thru many traumas, but I took whatever positive lessons they taught me, and those traumas have made me a better person now. You might find the same will happen to you later.


User currently offlineDiamond From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 3279 posts, RR: 63
Reply 5, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 2320 times:

When someone needs a lot of support, it puts friends and family in a new position. Some of them want to offer comfort and support. Others don't really want to but feel obligated to.

In 2004 I went through a lot of awful family situations. Deaths, illnesses, injuries, etc. Even my closest friends didn't quite know what to do or say.

All I really needed was for them to just be themselves. But they felt that they had to do more - and at the same time they felt they were unable to do more, because they didn't know how. So what happened? They spent less time around me so that they wouldn't feel inadequate around me.

Very few people are trained to say just the right things when someone is in need. The majority of people just don't know what to do.

If you can try to remember that your friends and family are humans with their own faults and weaknesses, maybe you can replace some of that bitterness with compassion.



Blank.
User currently offlineAleksandar From Serbia, joined Jul 2000, 3235 posts, RR: 32
Reply 6, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 2320 times:

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
You do get to find out who your true family/friends are during tough moments.

Yes, it is very true. That is why it is so comforting for me to have this place and to find so many great people and without any exaggeration, you are all my true friends.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
Recently (2004) lost a baby at 12 weeks of pregnancy.

I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been an awful experience for you and your wife.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
BTW, my wife (verified by witnesses and the doctor) had a dream where Alex told her he had died and that everything would be OK. The doctor confirmed that the dream coincided with his death. What do you make of that?

Yes, I remember you mentioned it before few months ago. There is something beyond us, something that can't be rationally explained and this is exactly why I do believe in God. Your example just proves my point.

I don't want to be misunderstood here. I absolutely respect everyone's right to believe in God or to be an atheist. My belief is something I always wanted to keep in my heart and not show it publicly, but one of the main reasons of my belief was that so many times I found myself in a situation that I couldn't control. Sometimes, the outcome is bad, sometimes it's good, but every time there was a lesson and every time it changed me. Have I learned something from those lessons? I hope I did. Did all that change me into a better person? I don't know. What I do know is what I felt and this is something I will never forget and it will probably be somewhere in my mind as long as I live: I felt completely vulnerable and in control of someone much more powerful than me. I don't know if that feeling is a blessing or a curse but it is definitely something that is life changing.

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 4):
Life is full of lessons, some easy, some tough. We might not realize why we go thru some of the problems we go thru. I went thru many traumas, but I took whatever positive lessons they taught me, and those traumas have made me a better person now. You might find the same will happen to you later.

Looking back some 15 years ago, I see someone who was a spoiled brat, but I don't think that person still exists. To be fully honest, there is still a snob lying inside of me waiting the right moment to show up again, but I guess it is just a proof that nobody's perfect. biggrin 



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User currently offlineAndesSMF From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 23 hours ago) and read 2304 times:

Quoting Aleksandar (Reply 6):
That is why it is so comforting for me to have this place and to find so many great people and without any exaggeration, you are all my true friends

Good to hear this.

Quoting Aleksandar (Reply 6):
There is something beyond us, something that can't be rationally explained and this is exactly why I do believe in God. Your example just proves my point.

Just what I was trying to say.

Quoting Aleksandar (Reply 6):
I absolutely respect everyone's right to believe in God or to be an atheist

 checkmark 

Quoting Aleksandar (Reply 6):
Looking back some 15 years ago, I see someone who was a spoiled brat, but I don't think that person still exists. To be fully honest, there is still a snob lying inside of me waiting the right moment to show up again

My inner brat can still show up, but he is now all grown up and much more controlled.  biggrin 


User currently offlineAleksandar From Serbia, joined Jul 2000, 3235 posts, RR: 32
Reply 8, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 23 hours ago) and read 2287 times:

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 7):
My inner brat can still show up, but he is now all grown up and much more controlled.

 shhh  don't say that loud or the brat might prove you wrong.  wink 



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User currently offlineSkySurfer From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2004, 1136 posts, RR: 12
Reply 9, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2264 times:

Aleksander, it does frequently happen that people begin to distance themselves from you, maybe because they really don't care or maybe it'ts because they don't know what to say to you or how to treat you...not because they don;t care, but more because they feel awkward and that anything they say wouldn't be of any help. You just have to give them a bit of time to figure out who cares and who doesn't.....it's hard, and i can say that with conviction because here's why...

Just under two weeks ago i spoke to my colleagues 14 year old son on the phone..he called to ask if his parents were here coz they we're home yet. I told him they were shopping for groceries, they'dbe home soon but he had been on the phone with his GF...so we talked for a while as we were good friends and that was that. 14 hours later i recieve a call from my colleague telling me her son was dead ( i don't know how except it was an 'accident') and that he's gone. He was cremated the day i heard. I am his mothers only real friend, so i've helped her and her husband as best i can, feeling bitter over his death at that age but trying to be the best friend i can to them. Some of their 'friends' have stayed away, alot have 'talked' about them, but we can't ever know if it's just an inabilility to show ones emotions freely or just spite etc. All i can say is in time, aleksander, things will get better and hopefully your friends will make it known why they shied away. If they don't then i guess u'll realize that they were never true friends.......being in a postion like you are is good in that you can help, but awful in that you don't know who to turn to honestly.
I hope it all turns out great for you, and i only citied my example above to say that although i'm not in THE same postion as you, i know where you're coming from and wish it on no-one at all. But in times like these you know YOU did what you couldf and you know who those REAL friends are.

Stu



In the dark you can't see ugly, but you can feel fat
User currently offlineAleksandar From Serbia, joined Jul 2000, 3235 posts, RR: 32
Reply 10, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 2227 times:

Quoting SkySurfer (Reply 9):
I hope it all turns out great for you, and i only citied my example above to say that although i'm not in THE same postion as you, i know where you're coming from and wish it on no-one at all. But in times like these you know YOU did what you couldf and you know who those REAL friends are.

Thank you so much.

You see, what really surprises me is that people my family helped in the past (and I mean really helped) are the ones who turn their head away from us, whose reaction is the ugliest. This is something I can't explain to myself.



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