LY772 From Israel, joined Aug 2001, 1340 posts, RR: 2 Posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 13 hours ago) and read 1544 times:
Ok, here's the deal, my dad and mom have been fighting for over a month, and my mom has a problem with a gland in her throat. If it doesn't get better in 2 weeks, she's doing surgery. My mom approached me today saying this:
"Your dad and i have been fighting now, and he said to me earlier 'you are air to me"
As if that's not bad enough, they started fighting when my mom asked my dad what he did today.
I need help, we just bought a house together, and I know that they love each other, and I really don't want them to get a divorce.
1) What can i do to help?
2) Anyone here have divorced parents? What's it like?
Skyhawk From United States of America, joined May 2001, 1066 posts, RR: 3
Reply 2, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 1459 times:
I truly wish that I had some words of wisdom for you. Do you think that your mom is on edge(nervous) because she is thinking about the possibility of surgery? Surgery is a scary thing, if it were me, I know I would be very nervous. Your dad probably doesn't know how to handle it all either. You say you know he loves her right? Then if he's thinking about her surgery, then he's probably afraid of losing her, even though we both know that is non-existant. Do you know what I mean? My husband had an emergency appendectomy a few years ago and even though I knew the surgery was no big deal, I still got very upset over the whole thing. Maybe that is what your father is going through. I hope things work out for you, your mom, and of course your dad. Please let me know. God bless.
American_4275 From United States of America, joined Aug 1999, 1076 posts, RR: 0
Reply 4, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 1445 times:
Oh man, I feel your pain. My parents fought a couple years back and they almost divorced, too. The fighting will stop after a while you just have to convince them to stay together. However, if it doesn't stop, it may be in your, and their, best interest to get a divorce. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. I hope to God you don't have to go through your parents getting a divorce. Good luck, man.
KROC From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 1444 times:
Let me take a different approach. Sometimes divorce is neccessary change. I know. I am divorcing. I met the woman of my dreams at 18. By 24, she was nothing like the person I knew, and was doing me wrong every single day. In your case, your parents may be or have grown apart. It sucks that things like that happen, but when they do, divorce can become the only option for not only the parents, but the kids to maintain some type of semblance of a real normal life. I see you are in the 16-20 age group, so I would suggest you sit down with your mom, since she already mentioned something to you, and ask her to fill you in, so you know what really is going on. If you feel like you can, from there, once you are in the know, maybe talk to both your parents. If your parents do love each other and want to make it work, they should be open to suggestions that would help, like councling and such.
Aussiemite From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 1435 times:
my parents got divorced about 10 years ago and I am a perfectly adjusted person *twitch twitch*
actually it sucks bigtime.
about 2 years ago the talked about what happend and it turned out what actually happend was a complete and utter load of bullshit orchestrated by one of my aunties, they never had any major problems but the lies she told the family were quite incredible.
blame can also be placed on my parents for not talking it through although after what I heard I woudnt expect either to want to see each other.
the whole deal brought alot of uneccessary shit to our lives and although nothing will change whats happend I dont wish it upon anbody.
im going to bed, when i think about the past 10 years I don't enjoy my state of mind.
SQ325 From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 1458 posts, RR: 7
Reply 7, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 1422 times:
My parents are divorced since, what do I know.
For you as a Kid there are not a lot of possibilities.
the best but hardest, try to be as neutral as you can be.
It is a fight between your parents and you should try to avoid any involvement in that conflict.
I don't know what kind pf conflict your parents have, but if there is the decission made that they will get divorced, don't try to hold them together.
if they split it is better for them and for you.
Starship From South Africa, joined Nov 1999, 1098 posts, RR: 14
Reply 9, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 10 hours ago) and read 1406 times:
My parents fought solidly for 17 years and eventually split up when I was 19. Dinner time was often a traumatic affair with plates being flung across the diningroom like frisbies. Anyway divorce sucks, as does marriage - why do you think I'm still single? But then being single sucks too. Oh well - perhaps there is truth in the adage "life's a bitch - and then you die".
CcrlR From United States of America, joined Aug 2001, 2245 posts, RR: 0
Reply 11, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 10 hours ago) and read 1400 times:
I know how it is though. My parents divorced when I was little and I seen my father just a little and later on he called and sent me some stuff and I went with him too to different places. Divorce can be a tough time but stay cool and don't get in with them when they argue. If it needs to stop talk to your parents, someone, or a family counseler.
"He was right, it is a screaming metal deathtrap!"-Cosmo (from the Fairly Oddparents)
KROC From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 8 hours ago) and read 1372 times:
2 people staying together for the sake of there kid causes more problems than if they were divorced. If this is a true case, then they need to go ahead and quit playing gamers and divorce, or put some effort into there marriage, get some councling, something!
Aeromexico495 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 13, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 1349 times:
1. Look just let this fight take its course. I learned not to get in parents' fights from lots of experience. And surely, God forbid, if your mom were to be doing surgery, your dad would at least care 12%. And later on things might get back to normal. And then thing get MORE than back to normal. If this does not work ask for like a conference between mom, dad, and you. See what is causing the problem and ways to prevent this.
2. If they are sleeping in the same room, DO NOT BUT IN!!!!!!!! This might be the only time in which both can see what damage they are doing to you.
3. If you get awards, show them to your parents while they are together in a room. Then they'll see what a (kid, child, teenager, adult) they have.
4. Put a pic of yourself in their room that is close to view. This way they will ahead of you.
5. Ask other relatives for help. This always helps n my parents' fight. Otherwise, call them.
Seb146 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 11924 posts, RR: 15
Reply 14, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 5 hours ago) and read 1339 times:
My parents separated 7 years ago and the divorce was finalized this past February. They were miserable together but stayed in it for the kids. I hated growing up with all that tention and knowing that they would have been happier apart. They got married in the first place because that was what was expected of her and his first wife abandond him. For the past 7 years and up until his death in April, they would meet every Thursday for dinner, then go back to their respective apartments. This arrangement was best for them.
I think they are both a little stressed over the possibility of surgery. It's a scary thing. Maybe things have changed at his job and he's stressed about that but not telling her or she to him. It could be any number of things. What I would do is just remind them both that you are a human and it hurts you to hear them fighting. Let them know that if anything happens that you will be there for both of them but if either wants to spy on the other to count you out and stick to it. It will be rocky for a while, but no matter what happens, keep your head and just be there for both of them equaly.
Deltaflyertoo From United States of America, joined Nov 2000, 1668 posts, RR: 1
Reply 15, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 1327 times:
Have they been fighting since you can ever remember? Or, is this relatively new with some more heated moments in the past couple of weeks? If it is the latter, I'm sure things will be fine. But, if they have been fighting since you were young, divorce may be best. Also, any marriage that stays together for the sake of the kids will always do more damage in the long run than if it is terminated now.
EIPremier From United States of America, joined Sep 2000, 1550 posts, RR: 1
Reply 16, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 1305 times:
2 people staying together for the sake of there kid causes more problems than if they were divorced
Well, I have frequently pondered that question, because I believe this is exactly what my parents have chosen to do.
My parents have been married for nearly nearly thirty years, and apparently, their relationship was good for quite some time. However, to put it bluntly, my mother basically got sick of letting my father control her life. That occurred roughly ten years ago, and since then, their relationship has been very marginal. They now have separate beds, and no longer travel together or go out together. Just about every evening they get into some kind of argument, usually over some very trivial matter...even something as simple as the dinner menu. The two biggest factors at play here, IMHO, are arrogance and resentment. But yet, its the very pettiness of their grievances that I feel is responsible for their decision to stick it out.
I'd like to say it doesn't get to me, but it does in inconspicuous ways. The most obvious manifestation is in how I have a very difficult time focusing on almost anything when they are nearby. In order to study, I really have to cloister myself off in my room, far away from them. Also, the situation makes me reluctant to bring friends over to the house.
I do know one couple where the situation was even worse...ironically, it was my father's father and his wife. They actually got to the point where they would pass by each other within their house without even speaking. They got so that they lived totally separate lives. Once, my grandfather brought some friends from Mexico come to stay for two weeks and never even gave fore mention to his wife. There's a lot more I could say here, but I should probably just leave it at this.
Olympic A-340 From United States of America, joined Apr 2000, 780 posts, RR: 10
Reply 18, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 1252 times:
I know exactly what you are going through. My parents seperated a year ago, and now my mom and I are in a new house. During the whole "escapades" (that is what I call the nights of constant screaming and verbal abuse), I found it best to leave myself out of the situation. If it gets REALLY bad, go and take a run or something to get your energy out. Usually this will help, if you get involved, you might say stupid things and just cause more trouble. One piece of advice, NEVER NEVER think it is your fault. It NEVER is-sometimes it is best for people to love each other, but not to live with each other. Ever since my parents seperated and started living different lives, they have developed a much better friendly relationship, and I have become closer to my father (who I loathed for quite a long while).
*Just be strong, and when it gets too rough never be embarrassed to call a friend or come on the forum and chat.
If you ever want to email me about anything just contact me at
Peace out dude
Twa902fly From United States of America, joined Dec 1999, 3134 posts, RR: 4
Reply 19, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 1243 times:
Well I can't really say much to this. A lot of my friend's parents are divorced. They are normal people, and do not seem too upset about it. I know they are, but they have all learned to control it. I guess all I can tell you is Do Not Take Sides. it seems your mom has talked to you, i would not be on her side. or your dad's side. that might just make things worse. If you become attached to your mom your dad might think that no one needs him anyways.
hope that helps but i dont know too much.
life wasn't worth the balance, or the crumpled paper it was written on
SJC>SFO From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 1238 times:
My parents recently celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary.... I'm afraid as soon as I'm out of the house the last bastion of their togetherness will deteriorate and they will get a divorce... scary times.
QantasAirways From Australia, joined Mar 2001, 1280 posts, RR: 3
Reply 22, posted (13 years 2 months 1 week 18 hours ago) and read 1212 times:
My deepest sympathies go to you in this tough period.
I have experienced this (but my parents are still married), though I will not describe.
What I suggest, is that you just sit back and let it blow over. There will be a result, and I know you may think that it is stupid to just sit there, but I think its the best thing.
DO NOT BUT IN (as mentioned)
This makes things worse because e.g. your dad might think that you are siding with your mum, and she has turned you against him or vice versa.
I've heard a lot about this from friends and relatives, so please just take the advice.
If you have a school counsellor, I would advise you to go see them - you will feel much better after seeing them, but if you dont, I would really consider talking about it with someone you trust.
I know that it is hard to talk to people about your personal problems, but I think its best to calm yourself down.
Don't forget that posting on Airliners.net is not the best thing to do. We are just people, and we may only have the capacity to give you stories and/or useful advice that may not work in situations.
As you don't want to go into detail on the Internet (I suppose), I suggest you talk to someone that you feel comfortable revealing full details with.
My mother is a Guidance Counsellor if your wondering where I'm getting this, and if you like, you can email me at: Johannsflyingmachine@Hotmail.com as I would be happy to help in best ways I can.