MattWS From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2005, 40 posts, RR: 1 Posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 17 hours ago) and read 2789 times:
I rarely post on here but seeing as I'm in the middle of the most traumatic experiences of my life I figures that it can't do any harm.
My wife left me last week saying that I deserve to be loved and she wasn't able to love me. She insists that she cannot imagine us not being friends in the future but I'm not so sure. She hasn't loved me for two years, the sex ended a year ago, she lied to me last year when she said she was happy and left me feeling that things were ok between us, by early this year she still said her issues were not my fault but by the middle of the year she was clearly thinking of moving on. I never stopped loving her, she has hurt me more than anyone I have ever known so how can I move on from this without her not being a part of my life? There are no children involved nor is there any infidelity, she is 31 and I am 36.
I don't quite get why my friendship is so important to her especially after what she has done to me. I need to be able to trust my friends but she has already lied to me while we were married so what hope is there of truth in divorce?
This question is not about whether or not I should move on, I know that I have to and I look forward to the day that she is no longer consuming my thoughts 24/7 but obviously the wounds are still deep and raw at the moment.
MCIGuy From United States of America, joined Mar 2006, 1936 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 17 hours ago) and read 2771 times:
Quoting MattWS (Thread starter): I don't quite get why my friendship is so important to her especially after what she has done to me.
OK, my namesake :
Your "friendship" is important to her so she can feel absolved of guilt for breaking up with you. I'd say "denied!", get tough and tell her to kindly funk off.
Quoting MattWS (Thread starter): I need to be able to trust my friends but she has already lied to me while we were married so what hope is there of truth in divorce?
You answered your own question, no trust = no friendship. I can count all of my good friends on only one hand. However, I've known them all a long time and I trust them implicitly.
Quoting MattWS (Thread starter): This question is not about whether or not I should move on, I know that I have to and I look forward to the day that she is no longer consuming my thoughts 24/7 but obviously the wounds are still deep and raw at the moment.
You're right, you have no choice but to move on. The best way to get over one is to get another. The best thing you could do is go to the club (or wherever), pick up the nearest hottie, then be seen by as many mutual friends as possible. The benefit is two fold: You get to be with a hottie and grind your ex down at the same time.
Allstarflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 2760 times:
Quoting MCIGuy (Reply 1): I'd say "denied!", get tough and tell her to kindly funk off.
I agree. The last two girls I've dated I've been able to leave them on speaking terms, but, in reality, all that means is that I've left both of them with a clean conscience (on my part). After that, though, the interaction with them doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, we're not going to be bosom buddies, or anything like that. I'm slowly starting to realize that myself, actually.
But in your case, you're either married or show's over. This "friend" garbage is her way of absolving her conscience and wanting you to justify her by agreeing with it. I don't know what your situation is, but she has to know it's a marriage 'til death do you part or hit the road jack. Doesn't mean you don't love her or that you don't keep the door open for her, not one bit. But love's tough. She has to be made aware that that's a bunch of garbage and you are not her doormat. More simple than it sounds, of course. Don't hang your head, guy. She'll find out you're better than that.
TWFirst From Vatican City, joined Apr 2000, 6346 posts, RR: 51
Reply 4, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 2752 times:
Why would you WANT to be friends with her... sounds like she treated you like shit. She wants to have her cake and eat it too... my ex was the same way. He wanted to retain the best elements of the relationship (like friendship, companionship) without the more challenging aspects of relationships (commitment, compromise, etc.) I too was a basket case for awhile after the breakup... but then, in the roller coaster of emotions (and believe me, you'll go through several phases) anger and resentment actually served a useful purpose because I suddenly realized "Hey... you can't say 'I want to move on... but let's be friends'... too bad so sad. Moving on to me means... ummm... MOVING ON. And staying friends isn't moving on...it's the aforementioned.... a cop out.
BristolFlyer From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 2321 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 2732 times:
Sorry to hear about your situation. I split up with my fiancee a few yrs ago and it was pretty tough. Sounds like a similar situation to yours (in that she instigated it) but we weren't married so you're probably hurting a bit more.
Back to the question in hand, I agree with MCIguy - she's probably doing it to soften the blow of her wanting to separate. It's kind of a half-way house that is easier to get to than to totally cut each other off. It may be comforting for you to think that you can still be friends in the future, but when the future comes around and you've both found new partners you'll soon move on. I couldn't see being friends with my ex fiancee, that's for sure.
It'll take some time to get over, but there are plenty of others out there, trust me.
Halls120 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 2711 times:
Quoting MattWS (Thread starter): I don't quite get why my friendship is so important to her especially after what she has done to me. I need to be able to trust my friends but she has already lied to me while we were married so what hope is there of truth in divorce?
You can, but why would you want to be friends with someone who lied to you?
I personally think it is very possible indeed. If you are in a relationship for a while and finally realize it isn't right, and you both agree, then you can just split up knowing it's the best thing to do. But in turn you still stay close friends, go to outings and enjoy each others presence. I have quite a few friends that have split up peacefully and are very close friends.
GQfluffy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 2694 times:
Quoting MCIGuy (Reply 1): Your "friendship" is important to her so she can feel absolved of guilt for breaking up with you. I'd say "denied!", get tough and tell her to kindly funk off
As much as it may hurt, and as much as you may want her back, the best thing you can do for yourself is to do what is quoted above. And if she comes back, best advice is to walk away. Don't take her back. If you weren't supposedly good enough for her in the first place, it's just too damn bad if she realizes it later. I had a ex try to do that to me 2 years ago. I almost gave in, but realized it one night while having a drink or two with a real friend. That was the best advice he ever gave me...
It's hard to do, especially since obviously you two were in love enough at one point to get married, but move on. You deserve much better...
TedTAce From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 2680 times:
Well, I'm sure you are expecting me to pop into this thread, so here I am.
The problem isn't "Can your ex...."
"Can" leaves open ALL possibilities.
Your wife CAN choose to reconcile, your wife CAN choose to end things with a murder suicide, she CAN.... I think you get my point...
The question is why do you care?
Now in MY situation here is what happened.
I met my ex in 1987. I tortured her (on and off dating) until 1997 when we finally got married. A year later we had a kid, and a year and 1/2 after that we were divorced. We seperated as well, but within a year she was pregnant with our second child. a couple of years after that we remarried. Now we have been re-married for 3+ years but things started falling apart when she had an affair almost a year ago. I wanted to try to work things out and make deals to stay together and that was nice up until the begining of August when she told me point blank she didn't love me.
Once she told me point blank she didn't love me, I knew there was no point in fighting it. Now because we have kids we will always have to communicate, but I'll never be her shoulder to cry on or her sympathetic ear for ANYTHING. If se wanted my friendship, se would have kept faking her way through the relationship and I would have been happy with that. But once she said she didn't love me and wanted out, that's it.. I have kids to raise and bills to pay, I don't have time for her bullshit. I'm 38 and given my health and the fact I'm about to become the primary parent, I'm sure my 'fun' sex life is over. I might get lucky and find a girl to fuck every now and again, but it's not something I expecet to enjoy past the act itself. now given that my ex has effectively ruined my sex life do you think there is any reason I sould want to be her friend?
I know your situation is probably diferent, and I hope it is. But as someone who has made the same mistake twice I would like to disuade others from repeating my pathetic performance.
Halls120 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 2672 times:
Quoting TedTAce (Reply 11): I'm 38 and given my health and the fact I'm about to become the primary parent, I'm sure my 'fun' sex life is over.
it will be over only if you let it be over.
I was canned by my ex after 20 years of marriage and two kids. The first year was rough, but the last 8 years have been unbelieveable. I've had better - and more - sex in the last 8 years than in the 26 years prior to the divorce.
Diamond From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 3279 posts, RR: 61
Reply 14, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 2644 times:
Matt, this sounds like a really painful situation and I'm sorry that you're in the middle of it right now.
It is difficult but possible to 'downsize' a relationship to a less-involved level.
But many people make the mistake of focusing all their energy on preserving the old relationship, instead of creating a happy life without it. The reason that her friendship is so important to you is that you want to feel like you can still control part of this situation and not be a spectator to it. It's a form of denial.
It is usually best to have the intention of remaining friends, but agree to stay completely away from each other for a while. Then, after you have recovered and have let new people into your life, you can rebuild whatever friendship may be possible with her.
I don't think your wife is being totally honest with you. People don't just fall out of love with each other for no reason. Yet she has not revealed the real reason. Maybe there really is someone else? Or maybe she wants to be available for someone else? Maybe she misses being single and dating more than one person?
Once you are actually separated you'll notice some changes in her life that will show her likes and dislikes, and what she is trying to find.
MattWS From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2005, 40 posts, RR: 1
Reply 15, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2612 times:
Damn right she isn't being honest.
Why tell me in June last year that she was ok with our relationship following some problems earlier in the year and that was 'happy' when she now says that in fact she wasn't happy? She made me feel that everything was ok, maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings at the time but she has ended up hurting me more than she could probably have imagined.
I am really tempted to say to her that I won't give my consent to a separation and I may even contest the divorce. It would help a greta deal if she had actually made some effort to save the relationship but she just let it get out of hand without ever really being honest to me about her feelings, by the time I realised how bad things were and that really was thinking of leaving it was all far too late.
She ended the relationship, I don't owe her anything, least of all friendship.
Diamond From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 3279 posts, RR: 61
Reply 16, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 2606 times:
Quoting MattWS (Reply 15): ... She ended the relationship, I don't owe her anything, least of all friendship ...
Sure, that's true. But if you go through the next few years angry and bitter, you'll be ruining your own quality of life. I'm not saying, "don't let it bother you." Of course it will bother you. But don't build a 'strategy' to demonstrate to her and the world how upset you are.
As for contesting the separation or divorce, please remember one thing: you cannot make someone care about something they don't care about. So how does that serve you?
Quoting MattWS (Reply 15): ... She made me feel that everything was ok ...
Many people object to this point, but no one can make you feel anything. You felt that things were ok because you wanted to feel that they were ok. And she allowed you to.
You can probably point out all sorts of inconsistencies in things she has said over the last few years. Each time she tells you that she has been unhappy, you can recall numerous times when she said (or seemed) that she was happy. That makes it look like she's lying about her feelings. But feelings do change. And people are sometimes very afraid to be honest about them because they don't want to hurt the other person, or they don't want to look like the bad guy.
Elite From Hong Kong, joined Jun 2006, 3027 posts, RR: 10
Reply 19, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 2590 times:
Yes, your ex can become your friend in future, but how far into the future, I'm not sure. Sometimes you just need time away from each other, just to calm down and really think about it... you can't really expect them to call you up tomorrow and go, "Oh sorry, would you like to have lunch?" Maybe give it a couple of weeks.
I'll cheer up as soon as I get another job and get the house sold and into my next living situation. Right now I'm looking into a great chasm that is my future and it's effing dark down there. One of my life's mottos is that everything works out and so far it has for the most part. It's Dark now, and I'm sure things are going to be ok. Until I know that for more of a fact then not I'm going to be as pessimistic/realistic as possible.
EWS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 2561 times:
Firstly let me sympathise with you, I'm going through a similar situation and it seem's to be endless..
I split with my ex just after christmas this year after she cheated on me.. She had 3 kids, non of them mine however i treated them as my own.. once i found out who she had cheated on me with, i asked her to move out right away. Present day after everything thats happened to me over the past 8 months i'm trying to be friends with her.. With limited sucess.
I've thought about taking her back, but i just cannot bring myself to do it, and wish to remain friends.. I phone her maybe twice a week to see how she is, and how the kids are.. and sometime's we have a really good conversation, others are very short and brief, almost if she's being off with me. I tend to let this slip as i know the guy she's with now absoloutly hates my guts and she's told him we're no longer friends, and that keeps him happy. I phone her while he's at work, but cannot speak to the kids anymore because i'm just worried that they will say something along the lines of "lewis was speaking to mummy today.." then sh1t will hit the fan for her.. and probably me, which i dont want.
I see her out driving in the car, everytime I see her it causes me to think about her, and wish we could somehow be closer friends, but can't obviously due to her current partner.. I'll be honest, I still really do love her, and the kids, and would do anything for them, even after what she's done to me..
Sorry to ravel on Matt.. but friendships are very hard after something thats happened in both your and my cases, but they can work.. and i wish you the vesy best of luck in trying for a friendship with her.
TedTAce From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 22, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 2555 times:
Quoting EWS (Reply 21): I see her out driving in the car
I think I need to start to invest in snow globes.
EWS, besides doing everything posible to AVOID seeing her drive around, I'd suggest you start to limit your calls to her. Even if you know for a fact she could be yours again one day what's to say she won't cheat yet again?
EWS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 23, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 5 hours ago) and read 2544 times:
Quoting TedTAce (Reply 22): Even if you know for a fact she could be yours again one day what's to say she won't cheat yet again?
I wont take her back, personally I wont do it, simply for the fact she's cheated on me, so whats the chances she's not going to do it again? In my eyes, im always up for giving people another chance, but when it comes to cheats.. once a cheat, always a cheat..
Quoting TedTAce (Reply 22): I'd suggest you start to limit your calls to her.
Yeah i do try, this week i've not spoken to her at all, And wont probably until Monday, i really do want to be friends with her, but its more of a "telephone friend" as we can't see each other very often, going for a drink or any social activities like that is certainly a no no for us both.
RJ111 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 24, posted (8 years 10 months 3 weeks 5 hours ago) and read 2536 times:
Sorry to hear about your situation there - it sounds tough.
I can imagine it can be real hard to go from loving a person very much to never seeing her again. I suggest perhaps declaring six months apart, then maybe just meet up as friends every once in a while. In that time you have the opportunity to meet other people, move on, and put things into perspective. Who knows, you may have found someone else and not even want to see her after that time.
Sometimes it's the thought of never seeing someone again that is what really makes a person sad. As supposed to actually missing their company. The forbidden fruit ect.
: From my point of view ,i think that your wife is lesbian.Don't ask me why,it's what i feel from here attitude. Alex!!!
: I sent her a message saying that I am not prepared to consent to the separation anymore. The reason for that is that her words when we split were: 'Yo
: That is not a way to start a new relationship but the best way to get messed up even more. You seem to be a one-person type of guy and alcohol + rand
: Wow...how desperate. What is there to hang onto now that she says she can't love you? I can never figure out why married folks try and stay together
: No offense, but read between the lines, i think she wants out. Sure she could make you happy, but that would merely be humouring you and it would fee
: Look at the cheat as a "Get out of jail free" card. Go bone someone else. It's like the Dane Cook standup routine... it goes something like this crapp
: I guess I'm going to take the 'less faithful' approach to my next relationship...if that ever happens.
: It's been quite enlightening reading your posts over recent months Ted, each time I read them I knew that my own marriage was going downhill and that
: I didn't say anything about random sex nor alcohol. This needn't involve either. I'm just saying from personal experience, the best way to get over o
: Only if you both figured out you could get someone better at the same time. Otherwise one of you will be stuck on the other and it will be difficult.
: Not necessarily. My ex-girlfriend and I are actually quite good friends. She has another boyfriend. I do not have a girlfriend. Although it took a bi
: Creepy how similar your story is to mine... But to answer your original question as to why your friendship is important to her. Guilt, yes. But mostly
: Depends a lot on how both Ex Partners are. regds MEL
: It isn't hard at all. After 20 years of marriage, my cheating whore of an ex-wife asked for a divorce. (I was aware of the cheating, but looked the o
: Now I feel like an idiot...... Nearly two weeks ago I emailed her telling her I wasn't interested in her money or possessions, nor was I intending to