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A Different 'Clean Exit' Strategy  
User currently offlineWellHung From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 1069 times:

While pundits and wannabees wrestle over the exit strategy in Iraq, I want to focus on something that actually affects the lives of billions of people every day. That is; promoting a clean exit strategy from body to bowl. A 'Trail of No Tears', if you will.

Now when I have to interrupt everything to drop a deuce, I go in with the hopes that it will be as clean, easy and liberating as possible - like one wipe in each direction. Sometimes I succeed, other times I do not. So I am looking for ways to improve (as we all should). Fiber helps, it sure does. But there really needs to be a lubricant to smooth the transition. Since I'm not the type to grease up broom handles, liquor bottles or body parts and insert them into my man hole, these are clearly not the strategies I will pursue. Maybe that stuff they use in 'Wow' potato chips? I ate a bag of those and felt like I was sitting on an upside down Old Faithful... I'm surely not looking for a repeat performance to that degree, though.

Don't get me wrong - every now and then I do enjoy the gastronomic explosion triggered by five pounds of buffalo wings, a twelver of Bud heavy and Ex-lax brownies, but I want to be in control.

A well-lubricated, firm and fully connected bowel. In and out in under 2 minutes. How difficult can it be?

13 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineMyt332 From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2003, 9112 posts, RR: 71
Reply 1, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 1064 times:

I am your saviour Well Hung for I have the answer and it's so simple you'll laugh.

You know those wet wipes you buy for babies to wipe their backsides? Just get yourself a pack of those and keep them in your bathroom along side your regular toilet paper. Whenever you drop something that makes a mess and perhaps clings on for dear life, just get the baby wipes out.

I can guarantee you that no matter what the job you will be done within 6 wipes and you'll be left feeling clean and tidy!

This perhaps is one of the few advantages of living with young children.



One Life, Live it.
User currently offlineWellHung From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 1058 times:

Indeed I have tried the 'moist towelette' approach and it certainly works. And of course, the wetted toilet paper to clean up splatters, etc. But I am looking for something to eliminate the need for these crutches. They may be an easy quick fix at home, but highly impractical when you're doing the nasty in a public bathroom.

User currently offlineMyt332 From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2003, 9112 posts, RR: 71
Reply 3, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 1053 times:

Quoting WellHung (Reply 2):
but highly impractical when you're doing the nasty in a public bathroom.

Well I'm sorry but if you can't control your ass long enough to make it home then I'm not sure there is an answer for you.

See the advantage of the baby wipe is that you don't have to watch what you eat as you know that you have the equipment to take care of any bio spill.

What I think would be best is that you learnt to control your body clock better. Alas if you can't and an emergency does come up, just make sure you have a travel pack of baby wipes handy... or else.



One Life, Live it.
User currently offlineWellHung From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 6 days 14 hours ago) and read 1034 times:

If mommy makes you stay close to home in case you have to make doodee, then your solution is fine. I guess she could even wipe your bottom for you. However, many of us travel for work and pleasure. If I'm flying back from Europe and have a layover, there is a risk of severe constipation should I decide to hold it in for 10 hours until I get home. So next time kindly consider the circumstances of people who do not live a similarly sheltered existence.

User currently offlineIFEMaster From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 1018 times:

This must be a contender for thread of the year...

User currently offlineDrDeke From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 830 posts, RR: 0
Reply 6, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 971 times:

Quoting Myt332 (Reply 3):
What I think would be best is that you learnt to control your body clock better.

You know, they say that's not good for you. When you've gotta go, you ought'ta go.  bouncy 

-DrDeke



If you don't want it known, don't say it on a phone.
User currently offlineIlikeyyc From United States of America, joined Dec 2003, 1373 posts, RR: 20
Reply 7, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 952 times:

http://www.strangepersons.com/content/item/108578.html

http://members.tripod.com/~foodgodbb/poop.html

I guess its all in the diet. There are times when I have had the "clean poop" where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper. I would sure like to know what I ate to make it come out like that. Much better than the "Wet Poo".



Fighting Absurdity with Absurdity!
User currently offlineQR332 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 5 days 4 hours ago) and read 946 times:

You poor people need to discover an invention which seems to be lost on most of the Western world... the bidet, or the toilet hose. For some reason completely lost on me, you can never find these anywhere in most of Europe or North America, and it just makes the job so much easier - not to mention cleaner.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet


User currently offlineHalls120 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 926 times:

Quoting IFEMaster (Reply 5):
This must be a contender for thread of the year...

 thumbsup 

Quoting DrDeke (Reply 6):
Quoting Myt332 (Reply 3):What I think would be best is that you learnt to control your body clock better.
You know, they say that's not good for you. When you've gotta go, you ought'ta go.

Not sure I agree. What works for me is to be regular. I pretty much make a deposit first thing every morning, before I go out and run, and have no problem with unfortunate leftover deposits.

When I get off schedule, that's when the problems seem to crop up.


User currently offlineAsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 922 times:

Quoting QR332 (Reply 8):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet

That's what they're for? No shit? I thought they were for chilling beer.

http://www.westernsnowconference.org/2003/Images/1BidetOfBeer.JPG

Mark  Wink

[Edited 2007-01-01 05:14:26]

User currently offlineQR332 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 4 days 15 hours ago) and read 908 times:

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 10):
That's what they're for? No shit? I thought they were for chilling beer.

 rotfl  That reminds me of a poll they once did about these things in the states... I think the majority thought they were fountains!


User currently offlineWellHung From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 12, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 4 days 5 hours ago) and read 879 times:

So no specific suggestions? I suppose I could start a diary with the foods I ate and keep pictures and notes on the resulting excrement. After I collected enough data, I would know how to accomplish these goals.

Quoting QR332 (Reply 8):
the bidet

I would proudly wear thoroughly skidmarked underwear before I let some hose shoot water up my corn hole.


User currently offlineGunships From United States of America, joined Nov 2001, 574 posts, RR: 6
Reply 13, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 4 days 4 hours ago) and read 868 times:

Quoting IFEMaster (Reply 5):
This must be a contender for thread of the year...

Cancel the rest of 2007, it appears we have a winner.


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