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My Friend Just Got Engaged... (Rant)  
User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2362 times:

...the only problem is- she's 17!

I've been friends with her for 2 years, and last January, she started going out with another dude I know. They broke up in August because her parents wanted them to. They both still felt like they were "in love" but they broke up anyway.

She proceeded to hook up with a couple of random guys over the next couple months, while he had no activity with the opposite sex during that time. About 2 weeks ago, she called me and told me they were "semi-back together."

I strongly advised her to not get back together with him because they argued all the time, their age difference is pretty egregious (he's 20), and since they had been together, she had never told me anything positive about their relationship.

So tonight I go on myspace and I see a bulletin he posted... announcing they're engaged! Neither party had decided to talk to me beforehand (which they've done before on much less important issues... she has told me she values my advice and opinions), and now my good female friend has basically signed her life away to this guy at age 17...

As a friend, should I voice my concerns or leave it alone? Frankly, this whole situation (combined with other various qualities and actions) makes me just want to stop having anything to do with her...

But anyway, roll out the flaming equipment and the cargo bays and various other graphics/comments, and hopefully, I'll get a few serious comments!

-san747


Scotty doesn't know...
49 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineKesbe From Maldives, joined Nov 2006, 68 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2360 times:

3 years age gap is ok for me.


in an interstellar burst i am back to save the universe!
User currently offlineJetsGo From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 3085 posts, RR: 5
Reply 2, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2358 times:

Well, not to be rude, but she sounds like an idiot. She thinks she is in love with this "man." From what you have described, they are obviously not fit for marriage - that is even if they get through the engagement. My advice, voice your opinion to both parties. Just remember it's not in your control. If they do not listen, wish them well and leave it at that. No real reason to keep in contact, but no real reason to abandon them.

Just my  twocents 


Chris



Marine Corps Aviation, The Last To Let You Down!
User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 3, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2353 times:

Quoting Kesbe (Reply 1):
3 years age gap is ok for me.

True, but she's not even 18 at the moment. It's not like she really even has legal power to make an immature decision like she did. In fact, knowing her parents (I have a good rapport with them), I find it extremely hard to believe that they gave consent to the engagement...



Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineCopaair737 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2339 times:

Don't worry...It won't last. However, she better hopes she doesn't get knocked up...b/c its likely she'll be kicked to the curb.

It's her choice though. However, she may choose to put a burden on US taxpayers by having a child out of wedlock...making it a bad choice.

-Copa


User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 5, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2325 times:

Quoting Copaair737 (Reply 4):
Don't worry...It won't last. However, she better hopes she doesn't get knocked up...b/c its likely she'll be kicked to the curb.

Well, they've already had sex... I know that... I guess they're just lucky she isn't pregnant.

Quoting Copaair737 (Reply 4):
It's her choice though. However, she may choose to put a burden on US taxpayers by having a child out of wedlock...making it a bad choice.

I'm certainly not a "no-sex-before-marriage" guy, but I am a "no-KIDS-before-marriage" guy. But I personally can't stop her...



Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineCopaair737 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2322 times:

Look, SAN, sex before marriage is great. its a part of culture. However, she can take the necessary steps to not get preggers. Wear a boot and don't pollute, as I like to say.
But don't worry buddy, it won't last. Whether or not she comes out w/ a burden or not remains to be unseen though.

-Copa


User currently offlineGQfluffy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2318 times:

Well, she is your friend, and it looks like she's come to you in the past for advice. I'd say, since she didn't this time, this was an emotional, spur of the moment decision, with no time for rational thinking. Regardless of what you've said, or what you want to say, her mind is made up for now. Hopefully your "advice" didn't ruin you two's relationship, and if it did, it's her immaturity that killed it. I'm 100% positive one day not too far from now she'll be calling you up or showing up on your doorstep and proving that you are right. If I were you, I'd voice my concern...but if she's got her head up her arse and has made up her mind on going through with this...about the only thing you can do is voice your concern...then let her do it. It's called the School of Hard Knocks...and she's got to take a few before seeing the light. Sorry I don't have anything more constructive...good luck.  crossfingers 

User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 8, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2311 times:

Quoting Copaair737 (Reply 6):
Look, SAN, sex before marriage is great. its a part of culture.



Quoting Copaair737 (Reply 6):
Wear a boot and don't pollute, as I like to say.

Don't worry, I totally agree. I hope I didn't come off otherwise. I have no problem with sex before marriage at all!



Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineKiwiinOz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 9, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 2312 times:

reading between the lines, their "engagement" sounds like something that happened in the heat of the moment. When they cool down and start looking at what is seriousely involved, they will probablt decide to wait 5 years to see if it doesn't fizzle out.

Likewise, reading between the lines....have you got a thing for this girl?


User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 10, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 2300 times:

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 9):
Likewise, reading between the lines....have you got a thing for this girl?

I did for a while... and I still kinda like her, but we've both agreed to be only friends, which I have made a concerted effort to respect.



Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineAeroflot777 From Russia, joined Mar 2004, 3011 posts, RR: 26
Reply 11, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 2299 times:

Dude.... I feel EXACTLY like you. My friend, who JUST turned 18, got engaged a month ago. I'm in the same predicament.

Aeroflot777


User currently offlineKiwiinOz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 12, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 2286 times:

Quoting San747 (Reply 10):
I did for a while... and I still kinda like her, but we've both agreed to be only friends, which I have made a concerted effort to respect.

You sure this isn't a factor in your judgement of their relationship?


User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 13, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 2276 times:

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 12):
You sure this isn't a factor in your judgement of their relationship?

Well, I'm not going to say it isn't. It very well could be... but I do know both of them pretty well. Every vibe I get from them indicates an unhealthy relationship, and I honestly (non-romantically) care about her enough to be concerned...



Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineManuCH From Switzerland, joined Jun 2005, 3011 posts, RR: 47
Reply 14, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 2276 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW
HEAD MODERATOR

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 12):
You sure this isn't a factor in your judgement of their relationship?

That's what I was thinking as well.

Quoting JetsGo (Reply 2):
From what you have described, they are obviously not fit for marriage

How serious is that "engagement" thing in the US? I have plenty of friends who get engaged, and are in the same situation (between 15-20 years old), but they eventually break up 6 months later. I've never seen an engagement as a commitment to get married, but this might be a cultural difference. When 2 people are together, after a while they just get engaged, that's how it works over here. And if it doesn't work out, it's over, period.

If you think she might want to get pregnant this early, maybe another talk to her would be OK, but if it's only a "we love each other, how sweet" thing, let them do their thing. And make sure you don't act because of jealousy.

-Manuel



Never trust a statistic you didn't fake yourself
User currently offlineHPLASOps From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 2264 times:

Quoting San747 (Thread starter):
But anyway, roll out the flaming equipment and the cargo bays and various other graphics/comments

Not necessary - this is a legitimate concern for you.

You should most definitely say your opinion about the relationship to both of them, but I would recommend doing it seperately and be fair to both. Just tell her that there's no reason to be engaged at her age and to just wait awhile before promising anything to him. She still has college in front of her, a career path to decide on, lots of things can happen to her in the next 5 years that may alter the way she views life and those close to her. I know there are a few couples who get engaged at an early age and in ends up working out well in the end, but the odds are still not good.

As a side note, about the age difference, if two people in their 30s or 40s get together and they are 3 years or more apart in age, society has no quarrells with it. But if two teenagers, 17 and 14 get together, society treats it like one of the 7 deadly sins - just a little hypocritical I think (Note: I am not trying to endorse the idea of 20 year olds and 12 years dating - please don't go there).


User currently offlineAviatorTJ From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 1838 posts, RR: 7
Reply 16, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 2259 times:

Quoting Kesbe (Reply 1):
3 years age gap is ok for me.



Quoting HPLASOps (Reply 15):
As a side note, about the age difference, if two people in their 30s or 40s get together and they are 3 years or more apart in age, society has no quarrells with it. But if two teenagers, 17 and 14 get together, society treats it like one of the 7 deadly sins - just a little hypocritical I think (Note: I am not trying to endorse the idea of 20 year olds and 12 years dating - please don't go there).

The maturity difference over those years is insane. Assuming these people are going to school, what is a junior in high school going to have in common with someone who is (should be) a sophomore in college besides sex? I don't hold much hope for people crossing lines with relationships. Those lines being: High School, College, and Beyond.


User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 17, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 2246 times:

Actually part of the problem may be that the dude had an injury at work about a year ago, which incapacitated him for a while, and prevented him from going to work or school. He hasn't taken a class since fall 2005 semester, I believe so he hasn't had any real exposure to other women closer to his age...


Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineAdopim88 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 2007 posts, RR: 11
Reply 18, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 2238 times:

Quoting JetsGo (Reply 2):
If they do not listen, wish them well and leave it at that.

This is a good piece of advice. At least if you do that you can't say that you didn't try to tell them. But don't dwell on the fact either way. Just let them to their business. If it's not meant to be then it won't. If you keep going at them and bombarding them every day with your opinion, they may come to resent you. Then you lose them in a bad way. Just my 2 cents.



Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
User currently offlineSan747 From United States of America, joined Dec 2004, 4949 posts, RR: 12
Reply 19, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 2227 times:

Quoting Adopim88 (Reply 18):
If you keep going at them and bombarding them every day with your opinion, they may come to resent you.

Yeah... I'm gonna talk to them once and then leave it. I'll let them do their thing after that...



Scotty doesn't know...
User currently offlineAdopim88 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 2007 posts, RR: 11
Reply 20, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 20 hours ago) and read 2225 times:

Quoting San747 (Reply 19):
Yeah... I'm gonna talk to them once and then leave it. I'll let them do their thing after that...

Good luck with that. I hope everything turns out well for all parties involved.



Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
User currently offline767Lover From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 2169 times:

They are too young. Period.

Quoting San747 (Thread starter):
Frankly, this whole situation (combined with other various qualities and actions) makes me just want to stop having anything to do with her...



Quoting JetsGo (Reply 2):
No real reason to keep in contact, but no real reason to abandon them.

Whoa...is that the way to treat someone you claim is a good friend? We all make mistakes. That's part of life. She needs your support now, more than ever. Being supportive doesn't mean you have to agree with her decisions.

Quoting Copaair737 (Reply 4):
However, she better hopes she doesn't get knocked up.

Heavens no. I am pretty certain that if they go through with the marriage, it won't work out. She doesn't need to be a young mother with kids in her early 20s.

Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 9):

Likewise, reading between the lines....have you got a thing for this girl?



Quoting KiwiinOz (Reply 12):
You sure this isn't a factor in your judgement of their relationship?

I agree, this looks more like an emotional reaction

Quoting ManuCH (Reply 14):
I've never seen an engagement as a commitment to get married, but this might be a cultural difference.

Here in the US engagement is a pretty serious step. Most of the time it is the precursor to marriage, and wedding plans are being made. On occasion couples break up during the engagement ... and when that happens it is a big deal.


User currently offlineCoal From United States of America, joined Aug 2006, 2069 posts, RR: 9
Reply 22, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 2163 times:

Quoting San747 (Thread starter):
signed her life away

You can always sign back in. It's called divorce  wink 

Cheers,
Coal



Nxt Flts: VA SYD-LAX | VX LAX-FLL | B6 FLL-BOG-FLL | VX FLL-LAX | VA LAX-SYD | VA SYD-PER-SYD
User currently offlineAerobalance From United States of America, joined Sep 2000, 4683 posts, RR: 47
Reply 23, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 2156 times:

They will name their love child Rainbow or Peter.


"Sing a song, play guitar, make it snappy..."
User currently offlineAjd1992 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 24, posted (7 years 9 months 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 2114 times:

That's way to young. I'm 14, and probably will be ignored because of my age, but the guy is engaged to a child (in the eyes of the law). Tell her to go out and find somebody else to date... I'm not saying it's bad to have a 3 year age gap, because it necessarily isn't. My parents have a 3 year difference. Then again, i wouldn't date a 17 year old (or at the other end of the range, an 11 year old).

25 CastleIsland : Well, I won't ignore you. Well put. To put what you said another way, or rather, to read into it a bit, a three-year age difference at your age (14)
26 ANITIX87 : My parents are 10 years apart. My dad was 40 when they met, my mom was 30. Now they're 62 and 52, so the difference is basically meaningless. On the
27 767Lover : WHAT???? That is beyond icky. What is his problem for god's sake?
28 KaiGywer : How is that a burden on US taxpayers?
29 LTU932 : If I was the parent, I wouldn't have approved. I would still have my doubts even if she's 18, but then again, she'd be an adult and free to make that
30 Post contains images Adopim88 : Welfare? Yes, when you're in your teens a 3 year difference can be huge. Because of the stages of mental development are quite different even 1 or 2
31 AndesSMF : Personally, having recently gone thru it, I would not considered anyone a true 'adult' till they pass 25 years of age. Usually you get there past 30.
32 Copaair737 : Better question...how isn't it? Every wedlock mother I've known always jump on the government programs for food and cheese and such. Its ridiculous.
33 San747 : That's a great quote! I recall it from several comedies I've seen, but it definitely applies to real life as well... Yeah, I'm much better friends wi
34 AndesSMF : There is no real reason why you should get angry at her, unless you want the friendship to end. Perhaps adulthood could be explained the same way we
35 Kmh1956 : Having been a 17-year old girl many years ago, I can safely say that right now you should say nothing. Anything you say will likely only push her in
36 767Lover : Well, HE is the one saying they're engaged...perhaps SHE hasn't yet agreed to the proposal. Also, she knows you won't approve, so it's not going to b
37 San747 : I agree. I've just told her whatever... I can't do anything about the situation, so we're just acting normal with each other, laughing and making jok
38 San747 : I talked to her today, and she told me she said yes... after about 5 seconds of consideration! That's why she didn't originally ask my opinion... Loo
39 FlyDeltaJets87 : Why do you say that? Two friends of the family we have both got married right out of high school, and still together now well into their 50's. One of
40 AerorobNZ : let them live their own lives. Even as a friend it is not your right to interfere.
41 ZKSUJ : I agree she is a bit young for marriage. As for the age gap, 3 years isnt alot. In fact 3 years is fine. Can I ask if you have feelings for her or if
42 KaiGywer : But people who choose to live on welfare rather than get a job will do so even if they're married.
43 Adopim88 : This is true, I have a friend who is completely white trash. She lucks out because her boyfriend has a decent job (she's pregnant with her second chi
44 KaiGywer : Not really. If she has a good family with jobs, most likely the family will help take care of the kid. If she is welfare-bred on the other hand, she
45 Adopim88 : Yes I suppose that is true. But we shouldn't jump to conclusions about people. In the words from Shrek "Don't judge people before you get to know the
46 KaiGywer : I'm not. I was just replying to the claim that a child born out of wedlock is automatically a burden on the tax payers. Hell, my sister is born out o
47 FlyDeltaJets87 : I don't think it's so much "interfereing" as it is just making sure his friends make the right decision. Nothing wrong with trying to advise as long
48 AerorobNZ : And interfering when they are 'in love'?? Love is completely irrational - it makes people do stupid things, even if the 'advice is entirely well mean
49 ZKSUJ : I see your point. However I'm basing it on people I know. From people I know, Females usually have similar maturity levels to guys 2-3 years older (a
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