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My Granddad Is Dying...  
User currently offlineGSM763 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 1487 times:

Well technically he's not but he's on the way out. His dementia has got to the stage where it's not safe for him to be on his own. We think he's been having several strokes and apparently there is a 80% chance of a big one. My question is what do I do? I can take time off school and that but I'm noty sure if that's a good idea as I get the feeling that I w0ill just sit and cry at home. Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward. This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

Any advice welcome

Adam

28 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineAirCop From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 8 hours ago) and read 1453 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
His dementia has got to the stage where it's not safe for him to be on his own

Are there care homes in Scotland, nursing care available or adult day care? Having such a person in the house is going to put a real strain on the family.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
I can take time off school and that but I'm noty sure if that's a good idea as I get the feeling that I w0ill just sit and cry at home.

No, No, No..education is too important, plus it will give you a break from the home.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I

When he does pass, for sure pay for respect and remember the good times. Dementia like this can go on for years.
You have to realize the person he is now is not how you want to remember him, and he has really no control over his actions at this point as his brain is losing its function. I feel for you having to deal with this at an early age.


User currently offlineBill142 From Australia, joined Aug 2004, 8442 posts, RR: 8
Reply 2, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 8 hours ago) and read 1448 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

I had never been to a funeral until I went to my fathers funeral. Go, no one is going to judge you, so you don't need to be afraid of what other people are going to think. You will probably end up regretting it if you don't go.


User currently offlineGSM763 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 8 hours ago) and read 1450 times:

Quoting AirCop (Reply 1):
Are there care homes in Scotland, nursing care available or adult day care? Having such a person in the house is going to put a real strain on the family.

A nursing hoke has been one of his fears since forever and doing this would more or less end the relatrionship between him and my um so I don't see that happening.

Thanks very much for all the kind words so far. I really do appreciate it.

[Edited 2007-01-13 23:55:57]

User currently offlineZKSUJ From New Zealand, joined May 2004, 7092 posts, RR: 12
Reply 4, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 8 hours ago) and read 1443 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward.

Just remember what he used to be. After all he is still your granddad regardless of what happens.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral?

I personally tihnk you should. I have in the past not gone to the funeral of a very close loved one and I regret that today.

All the best to you


User currently offlineJAGflyer From Canada, joined Aug 2004, 3508 posts, RR: 4
Reply 5, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 8 hours ago) and read 1423 times:

Definietly go to his funeral. Your 13-15 and thats old enough to learn what happens at a funeral and you need to go. It is important you are exposed to what its like so you don't have to when your much older. It's nothing you at 13+ can't handle. No one is going to judge you for going to your grandfathers funeral, I dont know where you got that idea.

Try to spend as much time that you feel you can with your grandfather. I know its hard to see him in his state (I can imagine) but you need to show him you are there. Trust me, he knows your around.

Best wishes.

[Edited 2007-01-14 00:26:44]


Support the beer and soda can industry, recycle old airplanes!
User currently offlineNoora From Finland, joined May 2006, 126 posts, RR: 9
Reply 6, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 1401 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My question is what do I do?

First of all, continue going to school.

My granddad is not doing well either. I don't even know how one person can have as many health problems as he has. He's not the man he used to be and is quite depressed because of it. Sometimes I think it would be easier for him to have dementia and therefore not realise his situation.

He can hardly walk by himself and has almost completely lost his eyesight, there's no way he could live alone. My grandmom takes care of him, although she has her own illnesses and is tired too. We try to help them as much as we can.

Try to be there for him, go to see him as often as you can. It's probably the best part of the day for him when his grandchild comes to visit, that is if he still understands it.

And definitely go to his funeral. You can say your goodbyes there.

All the best to you.


User currently offlineQueso From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 1397 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

Go. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't. Be strong and be there to support your family, and let them support you when you need it.


User currently offlineGQfluffy From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 1388 times:

Quoting Noora (Reply 6):
First of all, continue going to school.

 checkmark  That's what he would want you to do. Go to the funeral, it may seem hard to say goodbye there, especially if he was close to you, but it is the thing you'll need to do. See Queso's reply for the rest of my thoughts.

My grandfather died the first week of December '05. I failed a final because I thought I needed to be with my mom while she was there helping his wife go through all the loose ends. I was stupid; I see that now, and I know my grandfather would've cussed me like there was no tomorrow. I miss him, but in a way, I'm glad he is in a place where he can be happy and healthy now. The last few years of his life were hard medical-speaking, and it was agonizing to see him in that condition. I love him, miss him, but there's not much I can do to fix that. All I (and you) can do is remember the good times and laugh. Good luck, death in the family is always hard to deal with.  sorry 


User currently offlineRichardPrice From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 1374 times:

This is probably going to sound harsh, but it comes from experience - your grandfather is gone, start grieving. What is left is not the person you knew, so while you continue to care for the shell that is left, ensure that you begin to grieve for the person that you knew and loved.

Its a horrible situation to be left in, the person you loved is gone but their body remains. If you start the grieving process now, it will be less of a hurt when their body goes and you will be able to approach the funeral from a differant angle.

You have my thoughts, and Im available if you need support.


User currently offlineEZYAirbus From United Kingdom, joined Sep 2003, 2460 posts, RR: 52
Reply 10, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 1371 times:

Hi Adam

I recently lost my grandfather just before christmas, first time id lost someone so close to me, his funeral was a week before christmas, like you I had never been to one, I still didnt want to go, but I went for my my father and the rest of my family to help them cope at that difficult time, it will be your last chance to say goodbye to your grandfather too

Glenn



http://www.glenneldridgeaviation.com
User currently offlineBMIFlyer From UK - England, joined Feb 2004, 8810 posts, RR: 58
Reply 11, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 1355 times:

Adam,

How sad. I remember when I lost my grandad too  Sad


Lee



Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
User currently offlineDALelite From Switzerland, joined Jun 2000, 1770 posts, RR: 25
Reply 12, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 6 hours ago) and read 1340 times:

It is hard to let go off a person we love. But in the end we have to, in order that the soul can leave and we can for chance go on with our lives.
it sounds somewhat dull and not very encouraging.
but that's what i have experienced over the years , while loosing many loved ones. and each good-bye is different.
talk to your grandfather, when with him(alive or dead) or while being alone. tell him what is going on within yourself. tell him how much you love him and also about the things which you didn't like about him. get in terms with him.

attend his funeral. that's very important! mourn! don't be afraid to show your most inner feelings. it will free your own spirit after all. and therfore he will comfort you.

i wish you lots of strength for your upcoming time!

truly your: DALelite



They loved to fly and it showed..
User currently offlinePanAmOldDC8 From Barbados, joined Dec 2006, 960 posts, RR: 1
Reply 13, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 6 hours ago) and read 1324 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Well technically he's not but he's on the way out. His dementia has got to the stage where it's not safe for him to be on his own. We think he's been having several strokes and apparently there is a 80% chance of a big one. My question is what do I do? I can take time off school and that but I'm noty sure if that's a good idea as I get the feeling that I w0ill just sit and cry at home. Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was. He has started to become dangerous and has been taken into an acute mental ward. This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

As a young man it is a frightening thing to have some one so close to you go through this sort of thing, my first funeral was my Grandmother when I was 6 years old and I had to walk beside the casket, at that age you really didn't realise what was going on.
I have been to several funerals since. I served in Vietnam and lost a lot of my friends and escorted many remains back to their families
First of all what you are doing is the correct thing talk about it and get advice from people who can and will help you. Secondly I recommend that you talk to your parish priest, as they are probably the ones that can help you the best as they see this sort of thing on a regular basis
You should continue going to school as that will help you through the difficult times, think positive and remember your Grandfather as he was not as he is now. Remember be strong and I am sure that your Grandfather would not want you to suffer because of him. I have a grandson who is your age and as I have told him that as time goes on regardless of what happens to me to make sure that he looks after himself and try to remember the good times we had together. If you feel like talking you can always send me an e-mail and I will try my best to help you through this. I have a friend of my Mum's who is now in the final stages of this dreadful disease so I know what you are going through.
My boy, I wish you the best and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember THINK POSITIVE as I am sue your Grandad would want you

PanAmOldDC8



Barbados, CWC soon, can't wait
User currently offlineCtbarnes From United States of America, joined Mar 2000, 3491 posts, RR: 50
Reply 14, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 5 hours ago) and read 1312 times:

Adam,

If your grandfather is becoming violent (not uncommon with people suffering from dementia) the most important thing is his safety and the safety of others. That is why it is important that he receive some kind of supervised, professional care. Not necessarily in the psychiatric ward of a hospital, but in a facility that is experienced in dealing with these kind of issues.

Your desire to want to leave school and stay with him is admirable, but in the longer run, I worry this may not be in his-or your-best interest. What would happen if you were alone with him and he suddently starts throwing things? There is a risk he can injure himself, and you as well, particularly if you are not used to this type of thing. The fact this is frightening is both a normal response and also should serve as a warning that this may be more than you-or anyone else for that matter- can handle.

Your grandfather has a right to his dignity as he approaches death. In his current condition, however, having him live on his own, or with a caregiver, may not be the thing that best promotes it. Help finding care for him in an environment where he is safe and can be well cared for is probably the best thing that can be done in what is a horrible situation for anyone to face.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

Definately go to the funeral. It sounds like you two are very close, and this will give you and your family an opportunity to both grieve and share your memories of the good times together. It is the best way you can honor his memory.

Charles, SJ

(edited for spelling)

[Edited 2007-01-14 02:39:06]


The customer isn't a moron, she is your wife -David Ogilvy
User currently offlineAeroWesty From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 20496 posts, RR: 62
Reply 15, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 5 hours ago) and read 1289 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My question is what do I do?

Caregivers often receive little attention at the very times they need the most attention. The best thing you can probably do at this stage is give as much support to the people who are giving direct care to your granddad. They're probably under a lot of stress, have needs that aren't being met, or may just need an outlet at times to relieve the pressure. Run errands for them, bring them something special occasionally (nothing outrageous--just within your means to do), even talk about their memories of better times with him (some people even record their memories of loved ones, which is something you might consider doing as you talk to them).

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral? I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

The first part of this will be controversial and not suit everyone, so bear with me initially.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. A great friend of mine died a few years ago, and he and I once talked about that he didn't care if I went to his funeral or not, as he'd rather I spent the time and money to be able to visit him while he was alive rather than dead. I ended up not going, even though I had a lot of involvement with the planning of it, and word was that a lot of people who hadn't bothered to visit him in at least a decade showed up to bid their farewells, unfortunately, he never knew it. I've no regrets about my decision, but he was a friend, not a relative, and I made that decision as an adult, without any disrespect for your age.

On the other hand, my mother passed while I was still a teenager, which I was quite unprepared for, and it has always served me well to recall the day of her funeral where her friends and relations came, bid their respects, and many kept in touch with both my sister and I to make sure that we were coping well. Some of my friends attended as well, more to show their concern for me than any other reason, I'd gather. I can never repay any of them for the kindness they offered during that difficult time, and it set an example for me at an early age how one can be selfless towards others, how little effort it takes, and how to do the same for others. It also sealed forever a memory of her of how many other lives she touched, which I wouldn't have been able to carry had I not attended. (There was no question about my attending or not at the time--this is merely an example of some of the good that can come during a time of grief.)

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
The problem is he's becoming a deranged lunatic and he's not the man he was.

As others have said, he's still your granddad, and nothing will change that. This is part of the cycle of life you will see over and over as you grow older. Forgive him for anything he might do, and carry on, giving him your unconditional love and support.

You will make it through this, I'm sure of it, and know that others will care about your well-being as well during this difficult time.



International Homo of Mystery
User currently offlineDL021 From United States of America, joined May 2004, 11447 posts, RR: 75
Reply 16, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 3 hours ago) and read 1268 times:
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I send you and your family my prayers....

this is a difficult situation and I hope he doesn't suffer terribly.



Is my Pan Am ticket to the moon still good?
User currently offlineDavestanKSAN From United States of America, joined Sep 2005, 1678 posts, RR: 13
Reply 17, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 1245 times:

 Sad Really sorry to hear. My prayers are with you and your family. I hope your Granddad will be okay.

I've lost both my Granddads, and they both were not doing well for many years.

My advice would be to try and not to think about him in the state that he is in now, but think about the great times you've shared. I think the biggest tribute to him that you can do is to always remember the morals and values and life experiences he taught you. I'm sure he will be very proud of you.

All the best to you and your family.

Dave



Yesterday we've sinned, today we move towards God. Touch the sky....love and respect...Safe Star!
User currently offlineCedars747 From Norway, joined Dec 2005, 2721 posts, RR: 19
Reply 18, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 4 days 1 hour ago) and read 1239 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My Granddad Is Dying...

Oh ! how sad . My support to you and your family.That's life  Sad

Alex!!!



Tengo una pasion por la aviacion !لدي شغف للطيران !I have a passion for aviation !
User currently offlineNeilYYZ From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 19, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 1210 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
My question is what do I do?

You can't do anything. Life is a real bitch sometimes. Don't drop out of school, it's your life that you need to worry about first, but when you're not in school and you have free time, go and spend some time with him. There will be good days and bad day's to be sure.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's for many years, it was hard when some days she would know who I was, and others ask the nurse to make me leave because she had no idea who I was. I kept going when I could and if it was a good day, it was great, if it was a bad day, it was hard, but it wasn't her fault, she was slowly dying from a disease. I just spent time with her, eventually she got to the point where she just looked at me with a blank stare, but until the day she died I spent time with her.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Alsoi should I go to the funeral?

Absolutely.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
I've never been to one before and don't know if I should.

I've been to more than I can count. They're not as scary as many young people think. I went to my first one in grade 2, since then I've been to them for family and friends who've died. I've given eulogies and carried the caskets, it's never an easy thing to go to, but you get closure that way. I would absolutely go.

One of my biggest regrets in my whole life was not going to visit my grandfather in the hospital one Monday night because I wanted to go see a movie with friends, he died the next day and I still think about it. The funeral gives closure, you don't have to eulogize, you don't have to say anything, just be there, believe me, you'll regret it if you don't go.

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
This is not who hge was and I really just want him to go with dignity but that doesn't look likely.

Sometimes that doesn't happen, my grandmother that I talked about above had no dignity when she passed, being fed, being in diapers, not recognizing her family or friends. The fact was she had a terrible disease and was dying, we all loved her, and helped her in any way we could. Sometimes things are just out of our control.


User currently offlineGSM763 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 3 days 21 hours ago) and read 1197 times:

Forst of all thanks for all the advice/sympathy. I really do appreciate it. I was almost certainly going to the funertal but I just was not sure about what this would do to me as it would be a new thing for me. As of this orning the situatrion has not really changed but I will keep you posted.

Thanks Again

Adam


User currently offlinePanAmOldDC8 From Barbados, joined Dec 2006, 960 posts, RR: 1
Reply 21, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 1163 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Reply 20):
Forst of all thanks for all the advice/sympathy. I really do appreciate it. I was almost certainly going to the funertal but I just was not sure about what this would do to me as it would be a new thing for me. As of this orning the situatrion has not really changed but I will keep you posted

Keep your chin, we are all here for you

PanAmOldDC8



Barbados, CWC soon, can't wait
User currently offlineGSM763 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 22, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 1099 times:

Thanks for all the tributes and comments. As a kind of therapy me and my mum have started a blo recording our thoughtson the matter. Tyou can see it at http://dementedtimes.blogsome.com

User currently offlineDtwclipper From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 23, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 1088 times:

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 15):
Funerals are for the living, not the dead

Never has a truer statement been uttered.

I just got back from a funeral about an hour ago. I went for the family and for my parents. The family got so much joy out of seeing us there together, they knew their loved one was remembered and missed.


GSM763!

I'm very sorry to hear that you are dealing with a loved one with dementia. It is a terrible and cruel progressive decease.

I know this first hand, as I am dealing with my 81 year old mother right now who is going through it . It's hard to watch a person go from vibrant to disorientated, but that is what being a family is all about.


User currently offlineAndesSMF From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 24, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 2 days 9 hours ago) and read 1088 times:

Quoting GSM763 (Thread starter):
Any advice welcome

Very little. Unfortunately the situation looks pretty grim in my eyes. All you can do is try and remember what he used to be like, and keep those memories alive by having such type of conversations with him. Go to the funeral, it might feel 'right' now, but in the future you don't want that decision to haunt you.

Sometimes we don't realize how precious a healthy life is, this might be an opportunity to really realize it and cherish what you and your family have not lost.

Quoting GSM763 (Reply 22):
As a kind of therapy me and my mum have started a blo recording our thoughtson the matter.

Good idea, you should talk about it as much as you feel like.

My thoughts go to you and your family at this time of need.


25 S12PPL : I would certainly go to the funeral. I think it was '99 when my grandfather passed. He had a very short battle with cancer. We knew he was sick, and n
26 Vikkyvik : I'll just address that particular point. Death and sickness are unplanned. Sometimes people go with "dignity" and sometimes they don't. Realistically
27 BigOrange : Don't wish that on him or yourself. It's not fun seeing someone you love develop dementia/alzheimers. Trust me, I went through that with my grandmoth
28 OHLHD : My grandfather passed away in Nov and I attended the funeral in Finland although it was hard to get there.My brother and sister came with me aswell de
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