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Best Clean Jokes  
User currently offlineNdebelebev From Sudan, joined Apr 2004, 877 posts, RR: 44
Posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 2176 times:

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and
said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience
on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I
hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going
to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to represent you."

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You
told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check
is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke


Her Pose Is That Of Someone... Who Knows It All And Is In Total Control Of Her World... Little Does She Know...
30 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Reply 1, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 12 hours ago) and read 2159 times:

Quoting Ndebelebev (Thread starter):

 rotfl  I actually heard that one last weekend... a riot.



Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
User currently offlineFemme From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 12 hours ago) and read 2157 times:

David Beckham, Tony Blair , the Pope and a schoolboy on a plane.

The plane starts to go down in an emergency and they find out they only have 3 parachutes. Tony Blair says he is a one of the world leaders so he should have one, they all agree, so he has a parachute and jumps out. Then David Beckham insists he is one of the worlds greatest footballers, so he gets one and jumps out.

The Pope turns to the school boy and says look son, I'm 70 odd yrs old I have had a good life, you're only 12 yrs old so you can have the last parachute......The Schoolboy turns to the Pope and says that's OK father, there's still 2 parachutes left as David Beckham has just jumped out with my school satchel strapped to his back !!!


 Silly


User currently offlinePanAmOldDC8 From Barbados, joined Dec 2006, 960 posts, RR: 1
Reply 3, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 2139 times:

Quoting Femme (Reply 2):
The Pope turns to the school boy and says look son, I'm 70 odd yrs old I have had a good life, you're only 12 yrs old so you can have the last parachute......The Schoolboy turns to the Pope and says that's OK father, there's still 2 parachutes left as David Beckham has just jumped out with my school satchel strapped to his back !!!

Good one
There was this salesman who traveled the country and one night he broke down and stopped into a farm house and asked if he could stay the night, the farmer said yes but they only had one double bed which he and his daughter shared, but it would be OK if the farmer slept betweeen tha daughter and the salesman, that was fine with the salesman
Anyway during the night the salesman got in the mood and decide to have some fun, he pulled a hair out of the old man's bottom and nothing, so he went and did his thing . Later the urge came agian he did the same thing, but this time the old man awoke and said "son I don't mind you having fun with my daughter , but please don't use my ass as a scoreboard
There are other versions to this but I put the cleanest one I could think off. Hope it is not too off colour



Barbados, CWC soon, can't wait
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Reply 4, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 2134 times:

Quoting Femme (Reply 2):
The Schoolboy turns to the Pope and says that's OK father, there's still 2 parachutes left as David Beckham has just jumped out with my school satchel strapped to his back !!!

 rotfl 


Nice!



Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
User currently offlineAirTranTUS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 2125 times:

Quoting Ndebelebev (Thread starter):
Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

That is the best joke I've heard in awhile!  rotfl 


User currently offlineAsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 2114 times:

Once upon a time in a state far, far away there was a train conductor who took his job very seriously. One day he was walking through one of the carriages asking people for their tickets when one of the passengers admitted that he had none. This infuriated the train conductor, leading him to pick up the man up and violently throw him out of the train (thus resulting in the mans horrible and gory death). The other passengers in the train were stunned by what had happened and upon arrival at the train station they reported the train conductor's actions to the police.

The police arrived and subsequently arrested the train conductor. He stood trial and was sentenced to death by electric chair.

While in jail the conductor spent most of his time knitting and reading books. His favourite was Catch 22, although Lord of the Flies came a close second. After several months had passed it was finally time for his execution. A priest came to visit the conductor in his cell to make sure that the prisoner had made his peace with God prior to being executed and to offer the man one last wish.

The conductor thought about it then said, "For my last wish I would love to drink the sweet juice of a Waina coconut. I have heard it is absolutely delicious." The priest thought this to be a reasonable request and granted it. Little did he know, however, that the Waina coconut only grows on the remote island of San Salvadore in the Bahamas. But the wish was already granted so he had to fulfil it.

A prison guard was sent to San Salvadore to go and retreive a Waina coconut. Upon his arrival however, he was dismayed to discover that not only was the Waina coconut limited to this small island, but there was only actually one Waina coconut tree in existence, which was heavily guarded by some native Bahamians. The guard gritted his teeth and decided to approach these hostile looking natives, only to find that they were more then helpful. They told him exactly what he needed to know. Unfortunately, however, the guard was informed that he had arrived on this little remote island during the wrong season and would have to come back in 6 months time, when the Waina coconut would be ready for picking. The guard sighed, hopped on his boat, and sailed back to Australia destined to return in 6 months time.

In the meantime, the conductor continued to sew and read books and over time had grown very fond of Jane Austin novels. He had read them all religiously, but unfortunately the prison didn’t stock all of her novels and he had to get the prison warden to order some more in. By the time the new books arrived the prison warden was getting ready to set sail back to the Bahamas.

The prison warden hopped on his boat and set sail once more towards San Salvadore. This time he had arrived during the correct season and he promptly straddled the coconut tree and began to steadily climb it. Once he reached the top he noticed one lone little Waina coconut and carefully plucked it from between the cradle of the palm leaves. He slowly started to climb down when suddenly a rather vicious looking wasp appeared.

Now the prison guard was terrified of bees and wasps and was in fact getting treatment from a local MD to try cure him of this phobia. He began to violently sway his arms in a swatting motion to try to deter the wasp’s approach. Unfortunately, however, this action resulted in him losing his grip from around the tree trunk and he ended up crashing to the ground with a tremendous THUD! Because the Waina coconut was lighter it took a little longer to fall, but in the tradition of all other good coconuts it fell smoothly and freely landing right on the guards head, shattering into shards of coconut schrapnel and knocking the guard unconscious (its shell was weakened because it had been knawed away by termites.

After about half an hour the guard came to, looked at the broken coconut laying beside him and shook his head. He spent some time bemusing the fact that the phobia treatment wasn’t working and vowed to end the treatment upon his arrival to Australia. He then finally got up, shook his head and set sail back to Australia as only one Waina coconut sprouts each year.

Back in the cell, the conductor had since got very bored with Jane Austin and all books in general and had now taken up playing cards to pass the time. The only problem was that because he was confined to an individual cell, he had no one to play cards with and ended playing different variations of solitaire, until he found out about a game called FreeCell.

A year passed and the conductor became a kick ass free cell player. He could have represented Australia in the Freecell League if it wasn’t for his incarceration. The prison guard yet again departed for the Bahamas, except this time he took a plane...just to be different.

So he arrives on San Salvadore and to his pleasure there was the Waina coconut just hanging there waiting to be plucked. This time he took no chances and hired a crane from ACME Construction Co. (who were building the nearby roundabout), attended two weeks of coaching on how to operate the thing and set off to retrieve this very troublesome coconut. He attached a big padded basket and a motorised pair of scissors to the cranes arm, turned it on, and positioned it perfectly. He then slowly flicked a switch which sent an electrical pulse to the motorised scissors which subsequently cut the coconut lose and sent it plumetting into the basket. The guard then lowered the crane and set sail back to Australia, congratulating himself on his ingenuity.

Upon arrival at the prison he handed over the precious Waina coconut to the priest, who then passed it on to the conductor, who in turn drank the succulent juice.

Now that the conductor’s last wish was fulfilled, it was time to proceed with the execution. They strapped him into the electric chair and pulled the lever. Sparks went flying all around the room, but the conductor wouldn't die. Astounded, the priest walks up to him and asks, “Is the juice of the Waina coconut so magical that it saved your life?” The conductor replied, “No. I guess I'm just a bad conductor.”

[Edited 2007-01-30 21:36:33]

User currently offlineDragon-wings From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 3982 posts, RR: 0
Reply 7, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 2101 times:

There's this cruise ship and there's a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. "ohh, he's puttin it in his sock" "he put it up his sleeve" "its in his hat" and the magician just hated this bird. One night the magician just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shots the bird, the bird ducked and the bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tank and blows the ship to a billion peices. The only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little peices of wood and the parrot goes "Alright i give up. Wheres the damn ship?"


Don't give up don't ever give up - Jim Valvano
User currently offlineSpeedbird747BA From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 11 hours ago) and read 2092 times:

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 6):
No. I guess I'm just a bad conductor.”

Thats it? Thats the punch line?!?!?!?!  cry   crazy 


I hate you.  Wink

Cheers,
Kyle


User currently offlineJamesbuk From United Kingdom, joined May 2005, 3968 posts, RR: 4
Reply 9, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 10 hours ago) and read 2062 times:

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or

train..



1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.



2. Remove your laptop.



3. Turn it on.



4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.



5. Open this email.



6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.



7. Then hit this link: link


 Wink

Rgds --James--



You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
User currently offlineThom@s From Norway, joined Oct 2000, 11953 posts, RR: 46
Reply 10, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 2 days 10 hours ago) and read 2036 times:

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and orders the soup of the day from the waiter. A few minutes later the waiter returns with the meal, but the customer is surprised when he discovers the waiter has his thumb in his soup. "Why do you have your thumb in my soup?" he asked. The waiter replied "Well, I'm doing that to keep my finger warm." Rather irritated the man raises his voice and says "Well then why don't you just shove it up your arse?" To which the waiter replies "I do when I'm in the kitchen..."

Thom@s



"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
User currently offlineANother From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1889 times:

Quoting Femme (Reply 2):
The Pope turns to the school boy and says look son, I'm 70 odd yrs old I have had a good life, you're only 12 yrs old so you can have the last parachute......The Schoolboy turns to the Pope and says that's OK father, there's still 2 parachutes left as David Beckham has just jumped out with my school satchel strapped to his back !!!

The way I heard it was - Pierre Trudeau said "I'm the smartest man in Canada, and I have to be saved". He then grabbed one of the chutes and leaped out of the airplane.

[...]

The Schoolboy turns to the Pope and says "That's OK father, the smartest man in Canada just jumped out of the plane with my back-pack"

So, why are you picking on a footballer, when you've got a poodle instead?


User currently offlineVikkyvik From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 9898 posts, RR: 26
Reply 12, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1884 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 6):

I'm extremely glad that I just decided to skip right to the last paragraph.



"Two and a Half Men" was filmed in front of a live ostrich.
User currently offlineFCA767 From United Kingdom, joined Nov 2006, 1745 posts, RR: 1
Reply 13, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1878 times:

That was genius jamesbuk Big grin

User currently offlineSpeedbird747BA From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1864 times:

Quoting Jamesbuk (Reply 9):

Quite the best so far....

Cheers,
Kyle


User currently offlineJush From Germany, joined Apr 2005, 1636 posts, RR: 3
Reply 15, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 11 hours ago) and read 1852 times:

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 6):

I read all this for a punchline that I don't even get. Wheter my mind or my english is limited... Well I don't know.

I hate you too  Wink + you definitely have too much time on hands to write that down.

Regds
jush



There is one problem with airbus. Though their products are engineering marvels they lack passion, completely.
User currently offlineLutenist From Canada, joined May 2005, 280 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 10 hours ago) and read 1841 times:

Quote:
I read all this for a punchline that I don't even get. Wheter my mind or my english is limited

A conductor is someone who inspects tickets on a train. Also, a conductor is something that carries electricity (i.e., allows electricity to pass through it).


User currently offlineJush From Germany, joined Apr 2005, 1636 posts, RR: 3
Reply 17, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 10 hours ago) and read 1828 times:

Quoting Lutenist (Reply 16):
A conductor is someone who inspects tickets on a train. Also, a conductor is something that carries electricity (i.e., allows electricity to pass through it).

Oh alright that explains a lot. Doesn't make it little funnier but at least I'll get it now. Anyhow still angry that I spend my time reading such a long joke  Wink

Regds
jush



There is one problem with airbus. Though their products are engineering marvels they lack passion, completely.
User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 7 hours ago) and read 1786 times:

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything........
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he cama into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken back, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!"


User currently offlineDC10extender From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 617 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 6 hours ago) and read 1761 times:

Why are all New Yorkers depressed?

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.



Did you ever read on your birth certificate that life is fair? Thats cause its not there.
User currently offlineAirTranTUS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 5 hours ago) and read 1733 times:

I heard this online:

What does Snoop Dog use to wash his clothes?

Blea-otch!

I know it's horrible, but look at the other jokes posted.


User currently offlineTexan From New Zealand, joined Dec 2003, 4275 posts, RR: 52
Reply 21, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 1714 times:

Terrible news out of Los Angeles today as the snake exhibit was completely filled in with cement. Said the zookeeper, "It's a real tragedy. Now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in."

Famous playboy Hugh Hefner successfully evicted a group of monks who had taken up residence on the edge of his property. The friars had set up a shop and were handing out flowers to people who passed by. Said one of the monks, "Well if it was anyone else we might have gotten away with it, but unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

The Byrds announced a 24 city reunion tour with new band member George W. Bush. To save on costs, Bush will play both the guitar and drums. Said the manager, "A Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds."

A man is in critical condition tonight after he swallowed $275,000 in large bills. No change is expected.

Did you hear about the bovines who were launched into low earth orbit? It was the herd shot round the world!

And finally...

There was a pun contest in the local paper up here. My landlord sent in ten puns hoping that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did  Silly

Texan



"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
User currently offlineDL787932ER From United States of America, joined Dec 2005, 597 posts, RR: 1
Reply 22, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 1710 times:

Quoting AirTranTUS (Reply 20):

Dammit...I get made fun of every time I tell that joke, and it's my favorite.

Quoting AsstChiefMark (Reply 6):

That was quite funny. Fortunately, I've figured out a way to tell it without the intervening 37 paragraphs of non sequiturs.

Quoting Texan (Reply 21):

You win, hands down. I'm stealing all of those.



F L Y D E L T A J E T S
User currently offlineDL787932ER From United States of America, joined Dec 2005, 597 posts, RR: 1
Reply 23, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 4 hours ago) and read 1701 times:

I guess I'll add my best clean jokes:

Two old geezers and their wives are out to dinner. The one old geezer says to the other:

"Joe, I went to the best restaurant I've ever seen the other night."

"Yeah, John? What was so great about it?"

"As soon as you walk in, the servers greet you like you're long-lost family. They take you to a table overlooking a forest, with the most beautiful plants and birds you've ever seen. Then they bring you a menu with anything you could ever want. The meal is seven courses, and each one was cooked to perfection. Finally, after you eat, the most gorgeous girls you've ever seen come and serenade your table while serving the finest wines on the planet."

"Sounds nice, John. What's the place called?"

"Shoot, I forget...but I have a way to remember. What's the name of that flower?"

"What, a dandelion?"

"No, the romantic one."

"Carnations?"

"No, the one you give as a gift."

"Lilies?"

"No, no...they're red, with thorns, and you give them to the woman you love."

"Oh, a rose!"

"Yeah, a rose! Hey, Rose, what's the name of the place we had dinner the other night?"

 rotfl 

A blonde walks into a hair salon and asks the stylist to give her a haircut. The stylist starts cutting, but realizes the woman is listening to headphones. She asks her to take them out, but the blonde says no, just cut around them. The stylist says that would be hard, and it would be much easier if she would just take the headphones out. The blonde says to just do the best she can but she has to leave the headphones in. So the stylist starts cutting, but she finds that the headphones completely obstruct her. She thinks, "why not just take them out for a minute to cut around the ears?" and pulls them out. Immediately, the blonde falls to the floor, and within minutes, she dies.

The police come to investigate, and the stylist tells them the story. The detective doesn't believe her, but just to be sure, he picks up the headphones and puts them in his ears.

"Breathe in...breathe out. Breathe in...breathe out."



F L Y D E L T A J E T S
User currently offlineTexan From New Zealand, joined Dec 2003, 4275 posts, RR: 52
Reply 24, posted (7 years 6 months 3 weeks 1 day 3 hours ago) and read 1688 times:

There was a big fire at a Basque movie theater last weekend. Unfortunately, the theater had only one exit and many people were trampled to death while trying to escape. This just goes to show that you should never put all your Basques in one exit  Silly

Texan



"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
25 N229NW : No offense, but there's a much better version of this joke (at least I think so). It goes that the old guy says he has a new miracle drug that makes
26 AirTranTUS : A man and his wife are tight on money. The man drank a lot of beer and agrees to stop drinking it so the money could be used toward necessities. One d
27 Falstaff : A guy from New York, Iowa, Florida, and Idaho are driving across the USA. The guy from Iowa starts throwing corn out the window. The guys ask him why?
28 Cadet57 : What time is bed time at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand touches the little hand
29 Halls120 : A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade li
30 Post contains images Speedbird747BA : I love it. Cheers, Kyle
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