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Take A Joke, Leave A Joke  
User currently offlineAsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 1407 times:

New joke thread.

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch
in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have crabs".

She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she
was an eighty-year-old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The
doctor said, "You probably have crabs."

"No," she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you
help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it's
crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can't be crabs."

The doctor said, "Jump on the table and let's have a look."

After examining her the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, you're right. You don't have crabs. That cherry of yours is so fucking old, you have fruit flies."

[Edited 2007-03-20 20:23:00]

6 replies: All unread, jump to last
User currently offlineAsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 1, posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 1401 times:

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff... And before he could say 'Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!"

User currently offlineKmh1956 From Bermuda, joined Jun 2005, 3324 posts, RR: 6
Reply 2, posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 1389 times:

Mark, those are priceless. Here are a couple I got at work last week...


Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't know you liked beer.



January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ...power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition....
learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!


'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
User currently offlineSaintsman From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 2065 posts, RR: 2
Reply 3, posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 2 hours ago) and read 1386 times:

I was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw four men carrying a coffin. About an hour later I saw the same four men still wondering about with the coffin.

It was then I realised that they had lost the plot.

User currently offlineJafa39 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 1358 times:

Woman driving home in Arizona had bought a very flash bottle of wine for her husband's brithday.

She saw an old Native American lady hitch-hiking and picked her up.

Native American lady didn't say much bit looked all round the car, scrutinising everything, like it was her first trip in a car.

Her eyes focussed on the bottle of wine, just poking out the top of the brown paper bag.

"What in bag?" she asked

"Its a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband" replied the driver

The old Native American woman went quiet for a bit, then turned to the woman and said

"Good trade".  Smile

User currently offlineJamesbuk From United Kingdom, joined May 2005, 3968 posts, RR: 4
Reply 5, posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 1332 times:

Remember When (Classic)

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A
window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the
cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle
finger upright Now they all mean different things And that
really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A
cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank
account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you
did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be
in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip
on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup
happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web
was a spider's home And a virus was the flu

I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my
head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when
it happens they wish they were dead

Rgds --James--

You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
User currently offlineBagpiper From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (9 years 2 months 2 weeks 1 day 1 hour ago) and read 1314 times:

Quoting Jamesbuk (Reply 5):


sorry... thats all I have to say. No jokes. Come back tomorrow!

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