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Some Decent Jokes For You...  
User currently offlineGkirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24964 posts, RR: 56
Posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 19 hours ago) and read 4027 times:

Fair enough, some Americans who do not/may not have a sense of humour may not get any of these, but I suspect everyone else will  Wink

--------------
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A: A Piiig
--------------

Q: What is the difference between outlaws and inlaws

A. outlaws are wanted!

------------

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

-----------


When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
65 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineDc9northwest From Switzerland, joined Feb 2007, 2302 posts, RR: 7
Reply 1, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4007 times:

Decent Jokes:

Scotland will beat Georgia in football Saturday.


User currently offlineGkirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24964 posts, RR: 56
Reply 2, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 18 hours ago) and read 4007 times:

Quoting Dc9northwest (Reply 1):
Scotland will beat Georgia in football Saturday.

2-0 I think we should win  Smile



When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
User currently offlineDc9northwest From Switzerland, joined Feb 2007, 2302 posts, RR: 7
Reply 3, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 3873 times:

Quoting Gkirk (Reply 2):
2-0 I think we should win

Is this a joke-thread then? You named it "some decent jokes", so I'll take this as a joke, like I should. Big grin


User currently offlineSTLGph From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 9521 posts, RR: 26
Reply 4, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3860 times:

Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Iraq?

There's a Target on every corner.



if assumptions could fly, airliners.net would be the world's busiest airport
User currently offlineCadet57 From United States of America, joined Jul 2005, 9085 posts, RR: 30
Reply 5, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3855 times:

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 rotfl 

Quoting STLGph (Reply 4):
Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Iraq?

There's a Target on every corner.

 duck  nice...



Doors open, right hand side, next stop is Springfield.
User currently offlineFlyDeltaJets87 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3850 times:

Quoting STLGph (Reply 4):
Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Iraq?

There's a Target on every corner.

Q: How do you play a game of Iraqi Checkers?
A: B-52, F-16, A-10.


Q: How do you end a game of Iraqi Bingo?
A: Call out a "B-52".


User currently offlineSTLGph From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 9521 posts, RR: 26
Reply 7, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 3844 times:

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 6):

hmmm....

what do you call a boat full of gay guys?

the navy



if assumptions could fly, airliners.net would be the world's busiest airport
User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 3789 times:

If you have 50 lesbians in a room with 50 government workers, what do you have?























100 people that don't do dick.


User currently offlinePanHAM From Germany, joined May 2005, 9755 posts, RR: 31
Reply 9, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 3784 times:

Quoting Gkirk (Reply 2):

2-0 I think we should win

What? Bertie Voigts is back as coach?



Es saugt und blaest der Heinzelmann wo Mutti sonst nur blasen kann. Frueher war mehr Lametta.
User currently offlineThom@s From Norway, joined Oct 2000, 11955 posts, RR: 46
Reply 10, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 3782 times:

Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Ok, that was poor... but a transcript of Lee Mack's opening act during a stand up show is quite good;

"Ok, we'll start with a joke.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BECAUSE HIS HOUSE IS BEEING BOMBED BY THE RUSSIANS, LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE'S ONLY A CHICKEN!!
Do you know what it's like to be walking down the road with everything you own in a plastic bag while your house is being bombed?
No you don't, leave that chicken alone!!
*Pauses*
Wait, not chicken, Chechen...
*slaps head*
Can I start again?"

Thom@s



"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
User currently offlineKaiGywer From United States of America, joined Oct 2003, 12289 posts, RR: 35
Reply 11, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 3774 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW
FORUM MODERATOR

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 rotfl 



“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, an
User currently offlineTheredbaron From Mexico, joined Mar 2005, 2333 posts, RR: 10
Reply 12, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 3706 times:

Joke read in Neil´s Peart wonderful book.


A guitarrist enters the room and finds the drummer happy and dancing and saying "yeah Ive done it WOW"

Whats up man ? you are soo happy!

Drummer: I have just finished this puzzle I DID IT ! I DID IT and it only took me 6 months!!

Guitar guy: I seems very easy to me, but it took you 6 months?

Drummer: Yeah I am a genius, look at the box the puzzle came on.....it says clearly

3 to 6 years!



The best seat in a Plane is the Jumpseat.
User currently offlinePPVRA From Brazil, joined Nov 2004, 8978 posts, RR: 39
Reply 13, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 5 days 5 hours ago) and read 3690 times:




"If goods do not cross borders, soldiers will" - Frederic Bastiat
User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 3649 times:

Why do they call them a "wife"?


























All the other four-letter words were taken.  Wink


User currently offlineDisruptivehair From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2007, 598 posts, RR: 0
Reply 15, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 3658 times:

Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
Fair enough, some Americans who do not/may not have a sense of humour may not get any of these, but I suspect everyone else will

Pardon me, but are comments like this REALLY necessary?


User currently offline747438 From UK - England, joined Jan 2007, 838 posts, RR: 5
Reply 16, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 3649 times:

Quoting Disruptivehair (Reply 15):
Quoting Gkirk (Thread starter):
Fair enough, some Americans who do not/may not have a sense of humour may not get any of these, but I suspect everyone else will

Pardon me, but are comments like this REALLY necessary?

It seems you have just proved the point Gkirk was making


User currently offlineDisruptivehair From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2007, 598 posts, RR: 0
Reply 17, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 3648 times:

Quoting 747438 (Reply 16):
It seems you have just proved the point Gkirk was making

Clearly it's not only we Americans who are not supposed to be able to understand irony.


User currently offlineAeroWesty From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 20822 posts, RR: 62
Reply 18, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 3632 times:

Quoting Disruptivehair (Reply 17):
we Americans

"Disruptivehair From United Kingdom"  confused 



International Homo of Mystery
User currently offlineDisruptivehair From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2007, 598 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 3633 times:

Quoting AeroWesty (Reply 18):
"Disruptivehair From United Kingdom"

I live in the UK but I'm American.


User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 3628 times:

Quoting 747438 (Reply 16):
It seems you have just proved the point Gkirk was making

Unfortunately, she doeas this with nearly all of her posts.

Quoting Disruptivepersonality (Reply 19):
but I'm American

And we wish you hadn't admitted that.


User currently offlineME AVN FAN From Switzerland, joined May 2002, 13920 posts, RR: 25
Reply 21, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 3619 times:

Quoting Disruptivehair (Reply 17):
Clearly it's not only we Americans who are not supposed to be able to understand irony.

-
true, but no reason to get angry about some comments of that kind by Gkirk. He loves to irritate people and apparently has succeeded !  Big grin
-


User currently offlineDisruptivehair From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2007, 598 posts, RR: 0
Reply 22, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 3616 times:

Quoting ME AVN FAN (Reply 21):
true, but no reason to get angry about some comments of that kind by Gkirk. He loves to irritate people and apparently has succeeded !

I wasn't angry, I was making a joke which nobody got. Pardon the hell out of me.


User currently offlineThom@s From Norway, joined Oct 2000, 11955 posts, RR: 46
Reply 23, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 21 hours ago) and read 3604 times:

Quoting Disruptivehair (Reply 22):
I wasn't angry, I was making a joke which nobody got. Pardon the hell out of me.

Try using one of these next time then... --->  Wink

We can't see your facial expression when you're typing.  duck 

Thom@s



"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
User currently offlineKaiGywer From United States of America, joined Oct 2003, 12289 posts, RR: 35
Reply 24, posted (7 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 19 hours ago) and read 3576 times:
AIRLINERS.NET CREW
FORUM MODERATOR

An elderly couple, Sam and Esther live in Texas . Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Esther looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Esther looks up and says,
'Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Sam yells,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY AND Irtysh-Avia (Kazakhstan)">IT'S HANGING DOWN, Esther?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'AND Irtysh-Avia (Kazakhstan)">IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE AND Irtysh-Avia (Kazakhstan)">IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Esther replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat



“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, an
25 Post contains images ME AVN FAN : ooooops ! a joke ? I am so sorry, but I did not get it either -
26 Post contains images KaiGywer : To Prove that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To find the answer, look down... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
27 Carmenlu15 : Fidel Castro dies (finally!) and goes to Heaven. However, St. Peter at the door wouldn't let him in. "I'm sorry, Mr. Castro, but there has been a mist
28 Post contains images KaiGywer :
29 Post contains images Jamie757 : A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to
30 AsstChiefMark : A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The ba
31 Post contains images KaiGywer : And a kebab!
32 Post contains images Daleaholic : Wait until the PC Brigade come along for that one
33 ZBBYLW : HAHA good one. Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Sin
34 Post contains images SQNo1 : A man has been arrested for throwing petrol over crowds of muslims. The police asked him what he thought he was doing? He said, "About 15 to the gallo
35 WestJetForLife : Here's one a buddy of mine told me while on an exercise: Mac the pilot died and went to Hell. When he arrived there, the Devil was there waiting for h
36 FlyDeltaJets87 : A criminal and an engineer both die at the same time. However, there's a mix up and criminal ends up in heaven while the engineer ends up in hell. Ini
37 ThePalauan : DISCLAIMER: This first one is kinda heavy on foul language so umm... Yeah. Hahaha. One morning, a very impatient man gets to the bank only to see a re
38 LY744 : An engineer, physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They spot a deer, the engineer fires and misses a little to the left. The physicist fires n
39 FlyDeltaJets87 : President Bush and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran decide to have peace talks and work out a Nuclear Missile Program treaty. So President Bush a
40 ME AVN FAN : The joke, in various forms, is a bit dated. Beside the point that Ahmedinejad for sure does NOT care about Arabs in any way. Why should he or his son
41 Speedbird747BA : MAF, it was a joke. Do you mind please? Dont get your panties in a bundle because you wanna act all smart saying the Iranians arent Arabs when EVERYB
42 Post contains images Gkirk : Don't worry, I got it I used to attempt those at well but for some reason it always ended up with me getting banned
43 ME AVN FAN : it of course was a joke ! and I clearly referred to it as such, but the point of a joke depends on how you put it. If too much rubbish is included it
44 Speedbird747BA : Bitch, please. Dont think a crap response like that will get past me. The joke was fine, and you just ruined it. Let people figure it out on their ow
45 AsstChiefMark : Man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctor says, "Drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look." "Damn!!!" says
46 ME AVN FAN : Man goes to a doctor. The doctor after examination points to the body and says "water ...., he !? " replies the patient: "No, that is not possible, I
47 Post contains images RichPhitzwell : I really really dont get either joke. water....,he?
48 ShakeZulaNJ : This is an old joe, but still funny as hell I think... So I was on this flight, and there was an obivously gay flight attendant in our cabin. And he w
49 Walter747 :
50 AirTranTUS : Who's on first? Another great one!
51 Post contains images LTU932 : That's no joke. Scotland DID win against Georgia.
52 ME AVN FAN : A) it refers to "water on the breast" "water in the leg" etc --- for medical details please consult a doctor B) you of course canNOT save sun-energy
53 1stfl94 : A man goes to the doctors complaining of stomach trouble. The doctor examines him and tells him that he can't find anything just from the examination
54 1stfl94 : A man walks into a bar Ouch!
55 Post contains images Jamie757 : An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
56 BNE : Usually the ashes series is between Australia and England but it seems that the pakistani's - the only team in history to compete in the ICC world cup
57 Post contains images Daleaholic : Awful Truly Awful! But I love it!
58 Saintsman : Pakistan has given up cricket as their national sport. They have taken up Bob -slaying.
59 Jamesbaldwyn : Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot. Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars. Cone of Confusion:
60 Post contains images Carmenlu15 : An artist, a lawyer, and an aviation geek are discussing the pros and cons of having an affair. The artist argues it's a passionate experience and the
61 AsstChiefMark : A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a mom
62 Helvknight : IRISH GAS STATION Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in t
63 Confuscius : HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "
64 EasternSon : Why do all Jewish men have circumcision? Everything's gotta be at least 20% off.
65 AsstChiefMark : The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak ver
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