Gkirk From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2000, 24742 posts, RR: 57 Posted (6 years 8 months 2 weeks 6 days ago) and read 3725 times:
Fair enough, some Americans who do not/may not have a sense of humour may not get any of these, but I suspect everyone else will
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A Piiig
Q: What is the difference between outlaws and inlaws
A. outlaws are wanted!
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army Boys, we'll be coming down the road!
Thom@s From Norway, joined Oct 2000, 11951 posts, RR: 50 Reply 10, posted (6 years 8 months 2 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 3480 times:
Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Ok, that was poor... but a transcript of Lee Mack's opening act during a stand up show is quite good;
"Ok, we'll start with a joke.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BECAUSE HIS HOUSE IS BEEING BOMBED BY THE RUSSIANS, LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE'S ONLY A CHICKEN!!
Do you know what it's like to be walking down the road with everything you own in a plastic bag while your house is being bombed?
No you don't, leave that chicken alone!!
Wait, not chicken, Chechen...
Can I start again?"
"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"