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The Onion: Record Flight Delays  
User currently offlineCannibalZ3 From United States of America, joined May 2001, 392 posts, RR: 0
Posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 23 hours ago) and read 2756 times:

The Statshot from The Onion this week
Record Flight Delays

This summer has been one of the worst in recent years for flight delays, particularly for passengers stuck on the runway. Here are some of the factors behind the delays:

Pilot not exactly in hurry to get to Buffalo

Flight dispatcher working on psychology dissertation, titled "Human Reactions In Confined, Deteriorating Conditions"

Gremlin on wing prematurely destroying engines prior to takeoff instead of waiting until plane hits 30,000 feet

Airlines figure passengers will question safety if planes just take off willy-nilly
Record Flight Delays

Cockpit tip jar empty

Good-natured pilots agreeing to wait for any and all passengers running a little late to airport

Pilots vs. luggage handlers softball game went into extra innings

Security needs more time to squint at you

Got something to add?

6 replies: All unread, jump to last
User currently offlineFL1TPA From United States of America, joined May 2004, 258 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 2508 times:

Atlanta extends "Free Taxi Around Airport Days" for 2 more weeks.

Pilots need more time to complete "So You Want To Take-Off" pamphlet.

Flight Attendants use extra time to give safety briefing to each individual passenger... twice.

Philadelphia is sunny and 75 degrees.


"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffin' glue."
User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 2483 times:

B6 pilot declares "It's not a Boeing so I'm not going"

Johnny unplugs the landing lights "Just kidding!"

JFK afternoon ground controller in a bad mood.

Crew delayed in crew bus due to flash flood. In PHX. (this one actually happened to me at JFK)

User currently offlineLono From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 1347 posts, RR: 1
Reply 3, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 13 hours ago) and read 2473 times:

outsourced ground crew looking for a coil of flight line and a cleaner bottle of prop wash...

Wally Bird Ruled the Skys!
User currently offlineClipperno1 From Germany, joined May 1999, 672 posts, RR: 2
Reply 4, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 12 hours ago) and read 2407 times:

Pilots coming in late from job interview at a reputable airline.

Pilots coming in late from union meeting.

"I really don't know one plane from the other. To me they are just marginal costs with wings."� Alfred Kahn, 1977
User currently offlineIaddca From United States of America, joined Jul 2007, 290 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 2280 times:

pilot using cockpit displays to read posts on airliners.net

pilot ignoring ground controller authorization to push from the gate, while getting into heated debate on message boards about whether MLB could support at least a daily E-190 to JFK

first officer checking out the bikini girls in latest SXM landing photo

impressed by uploaded photos of kai tak, pilot backs up traffic by trying a "checkerboard" approach into DFW

User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (8 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 2244 times:

Captain and FO ignore controller authorisation to push while heatedly discussing A vs B.

Engine management displays stuck on Non-Av.

F/A having trouble impressing on pax that the free seating policy doesn't include "that seat at the front on the left with the joystick next to it - isn't that part of the IFE?"

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