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Another Joke Thread  
User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (6 years 10 months 9 hours ago) and read 1574 times:

Haven't had one of these in a while...... share your recent funnies.

I put this in a different thread where the issue of PC came up, and decided to start this thread.

Political Correctness:

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the position that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd from the clean end.

23 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineKlaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21470 posts, RR: 53
Reply 1, posted (6 years 10 months 9 hours ago) and read 1564 times:



Quoting ORFflyer (Thread starter):
Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the position that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd from the clean end.

Yup. The racists and other chauvinists should clearly be left alone - they know better, right?  crazy 

Not that you can't fall over forwards as well as backwards, but I can live easier with a bit of excess PC than with racism and its siblings.


User currently offlineANCFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (6 years 10 months 8 hours ago) and read 1545 times:



Quoting Klaus (Reply 1):
Not that you can't fall over forwards as well as backwards, but I can live easier with a bit of excess PC than with racism and its siblings.

Hmm,

I don't see Political Correctness as the cure for racism. Education and proper rearing is a good start.

Further, I don't see Political Correctness -rather a lack thereof - as a source of racism - only in a small way, a continuation of it. Spick, Honky, etc . . . .

Expand your thinking a tad . . . . from my U.S. perspective:

"In God We Trust" is not politically correct in some circles. Yet it's written all over the US Constitution, a document that has survived for centuries virtually intact.

The U.S. Pledge of Allegiance is not politically correct in some circles.

Merry Christmas is not politically correct, yet it's okay for Happy Hannukah and Happy Kwazna isn't it.

Easter is no longer acceptable, it's a Spring Holiday.

See Klaus - there's more to it than Racism - lots more.


User currently offlineKlaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21470 posts, RR: 53
Reply 3, posted (6 years 10 months 8 hours ago) and read 1541 times:



Quoting ANCFlyer (Reply 2):
I don't see Political Correctness as the cure for racism.

What's usually ridiculed as PC (and occasionally with reason) is the extension of the very much necessary fight against racism and discrimination beyond a certain point. It is not the same thing, but also not separable from it either.


User currently offlineBristolFlyer From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 2297 posts, RR: 0
Reply 4, posted (6 years 10 months 8 hours ago) and read 1531 times:

Isn't this supposed to be a joke thread?  confused 


Fortune favours the brave
User currently offlineANCFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (6 years 10 months 8 hours ago) and read 1526 times:



Quoting BristolFlyer (Reply 4):
Isn't this supposed to be a joke thread?

Political Correctness IS a joke.

Quoting Klaus (Reply 3):
It is not the same thing, but also not separable from it either.

I think I said that . . .

Quoting ANCFlyer (Reply 2):
I don't see Political Correctness -rather a lack thereof - as a source of racism - only in a small way, a continuation of it. Spick, Honky, etc . . . .



User currently offlineCarmenlu15 From Guatemala, joined Dec 2004, 4761 posts, RR: 30
Reply 6, posted (6 years 10 months 8 hours ago) and read 1521 times:



Quoting BristolFlyer (Reply 4):
Isn't this supposed to be a joke thread?

Where do I sue for false advertising?  grumpy 

Oh, and by the way:



(just trying to lighten up the mood  duck  )



Don't expect to see me around that much (if at all) -- the contact link should still work, though.
User currently offlineKlaus From Germany, joined Jul 2001, 21470 posts, RR: 53
Reply 7, posted (6 years 10 months 8 hours ago) and read 1521 times:

Quoting ANCFlyer (Reply 5):
Political Correctness IS a joke.

It is also "politically correct" to not use hurtful epithets when talking about others. So, no, it isn't a joke in general. Only when it's overdone.

[Edited 2007-11-28 09:20:56]

User currently offlineAirTranTUS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (6 years 10 months 7 hours ago) and read 1503 times:



Quoting ANCFlyer (Reply 2):

"In God We Trust" is not politically correct in some circles. Yet it's written all over the US Constitution, a document that has survived for centuries virtually intact.

Well then it should be declared unconstitutional. Wait a minute...


User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (6 years 10 months 7 hours ago) and read 1502 times:



Quoting Klaus (Reply 7):
It is also "politically correct" to not use hurtful epithets when talking about others

Nope - just correct, that's all. Nothing political about respect for the feelings of others.


User currently offlineAirlinelover From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 5580 posts, RR: 22
Reply 10, posted (6 years 10 months 7 hours ago) and read 1500 times:

Back to the JOKES!!



During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


hehehe



Lets do some sexy math. We add you, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply
User currently offlineYYZflyer From Canada, joined Feb 2006, 3643 posts, RR: 4
Reply 11, posted (6 years 10 months 3 hours ago) and read 1455 times:

What is the speed limit of sex?




68.......because at 69 you have to turn around. Big grin

Why is a gun better than a woman?



Because you can buy a silencer for the gun.  duck 

What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?


One's a Goodyear and the others a great year.



Avoid hangovers, stay drunk.
User currently offlineBoeing74741R From United Kingdom, joined Apr 2007, 1164 posts, RR: 0
Reply 12, posted (6 years 10 months 3 hours ago) and read 1452 times:

Planes versus Women

You can fly on a plane and fall asleep without being slapped
Planes don't become jealous when you fly on other planes
Planes don't demand to be told you love them

BUT

Women give better blowjabs!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Edited 2007-11-28 14:38:21]

User currently offline747srule From United States of America, joined Mar 2004, 429 posts, RR: 0
Reply 13, posted (6 years 10 months 1 hour ago) and read 1419 times:

Little Suzy comes home from school and tells her Mom she found out where we get babies. She says "you and Daddy get naked ,and you kiss his penis until it gets hard. Then you put it all the way in your mouth,and white stuff comes out and goes in your stomach. Then a baby grows there." Her Mom replies " Honey I don't know how to tell this,but that's how we get JEWELRY,not babies."


Jesus is the way,the truth,and the life
User currently offlineDuff44 From United States of America, joined Apr 2006, 1723 posts, RR: 0
Reply 14, posted (6 years 10 months 1 hour ago) and read 1415 times:

Did you hear about the Polish midget?

He's 6' 3"....


Why don't midgets wear tampons?

They keep tripping on the string.


What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head when they ran out of pot?

"Man, this band really f*cking sucks!"


How can you tell a Polish Jew at the wailing wall?

He's the one with the harpoon...



I'll rassle ya for a bowl of bacon!
User currently offlineAndesSMF From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (6 years 10 months 1 hour ago) and read 1412 times:

Three kids are discussing about what part goes to heaven first when you die.

The first kid explains that it is your heart, since all the love resided there.

Second kid disagrees and explains that it is your brain, since all your memories were there.

The third kid corrects them both and tells them it is the FEET that get to heaven first.

Shocked, the other two wonder how he came to that conclusion.

He adds:

- I was walking into my parents room, when I noticed that my mother was laying on the bed with her feet up in the air.

- She was screaming:

- 'Oh, God!, I'm COMING!!!

- But my dad was on top of her holding her down...


User currently offlineLASOctoberB6 From Japan, joined Nov 2006, 2380 posts, RR: 1
Reply 16, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 23 hours ago) and read 1395 times:

Here's a joke, Yo' Mama!! Yea, I know, it's old.... It's fun saying it though...

Quoting Carmenlu15 (Reply 6):

Oh, and by the way:

The cute bunny!!

Quoting AndesSMF (Reply 15):
Three kids are discussing about what part goes to heaven first when you die.

The first kid explains that it is your heart, since all the love resided there.

Second kid disagrees and explains that it is your brain, since all your memories were there.

The third kid corrects them both and tells them it is the FEET that get to heaven first.

Shocked, the other two wonder how he came to that conclusion.

He adds:

- I was walking into my parents room, when I noticed that my mother was laying on the bed with her feet up in the air.

- She was screaming:

- 'Oh, God!, I'm COMING!!!

- But my dad was on top of her holding her down...

I like that..



[NOT IN SERVICE] {WEStJet}
User currently offlineDc9northwest From Switzerland, joined Feb 2007, 2294 posts, RR: 7
Reply 17, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1370 times:

Jokes...?

There was a study at the UN. The question asked was:
"Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
In South America they did not know what 'please' meant.
And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

[Edited 2007-11-28 21:52:12]

User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1356 times:

A couple of old ones:

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE:
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist .
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price could drop to £40".
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

And finally

A man walks into a pub, and sits at the bar with a drink. A few minutes later another bloke walks in "Hi Dave" says the barman. As Dave sits down, all the other people in the pub say "Hi Dave". As new customers walk in, they all greet Dave before getting a drink.

The bloke asks the barman "Is he one of your regulars then?" "Nah," says the barman, "First time he's come in, but everyone knows Dave...don't you?" bemused the man says "No, don't know him at all." The barman says "Rubbish...go over and say hello, you MUST know him...Dave knows everyone in the world."

So the man goes over and says "Hi mate, sorry to interrupt but the barman just said that you know everyone in the world...is that true?" Dave says "Yeah, true enough"

So the bloke says "Rubbish!! Nobody can know everyone in the world"

"OK," says Dave. "Name me any 3 people, and I bet I know them".

"Fine." says the bloke. "Geroge W Bush, Gordon Brown, and The Pope."

"Eaaasy!" says Dave. "Come with me."

So they head off down the airport and jump a flight to Washington. As the checkin staff know Dave, they get a 1st class upgrade, and all the cabin crew bring them extra drinks for the flight as he's a personal friend. No need to check Dave's passport at customs, they already know him, and they're off to the Whitehouse.

The chief of staff comes down to greet them "Hiya Dave, same as usual?" Dave says "No not this time, this chappy doesn't believe I know everyone in the world, so I just need a chat with Dubya if he's got a minute?"

"Not a problem Dave, you know he's always got time for you."

5 minutes later they're in the Oval Office having a coffee with the President.

"Well," the man says "I'm impressed. But this proves nothing."

"I know," says Dave. "Three you said, three you get. George, can I borrow Air Force One for a few hours...?"

"No problems" says GWB. "Just don't bloody scratch it like last time."

So they jet back into London on Air Force One, on the flight Dave rings a mate and arranges a limo pick up to take them to no.10. Upon arrival they're greeted as before, and ushered in to see the PM. After a quick cuppa they're back out on the street.

"Right" says Dave "Vatican next"

Back onto Air Force One, and they head over to the Vatican, only to find that the square is packed with people. As they join the back of the crowd, one of the chaps there says "Hi Dave, come to see the Pope's speech have you?"

"Nah," says Dave "This chap doesn't believe I know everyone in the world so I'm heading up for a quick word with Benny".

"Better be quick then" says the chap, "He's on in 5."

Dave turns to the bloke from the pub and says "Right, you wait here, I'll nip up and say hello, do a quick wave from the balcony then we'll get back to the pub. 5 minutes." And away he goes, stops for a quick natter to see how the security guards wife is doing and pass on his regards, then up to see The Pope. As promised, he steps out on the balcony, waves to the crowd below, and then heads back down.

When he gets back to where they were stood, he finds an ambulance loading the chap into the back on a trolley.

"Bloody hell!" Says Dave, "What happened!"

"Well Dave," says the Paramedic, "He had a heart attack...he's coming round though so you can ask him yourself"

Dave gets in the back and says "You silly bugger! Told you I know everyone, surely it shouldn't have been such a shock after Dubya and Gordon..?"

"No," says the bloke, "it wasn't that....just when you and the Pope stepped out on the balcony, some fella behind me said "Who the f**ks that stood next to Dave..."

oh and......

Quoting Airlinelover (Reply 10):
Back to the JOKES!!

THANK YOU!!!!

[Edited 2007-11-28 22:23:00]

Edited because the board munged the pound signs

[Edited 2007-11-28 22:26:47]

User currently offlineImpacto From Canada, joined Mar 2007, 214 posts, RR: 0
Reply 19, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1344 times:

Famous/Funny last words

1. I'll get a world record for this.
2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
3. It's fireproof.
4. He's probably just hibernating.
5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
6. So, you're a cannibal.
7. It's probably just a rash.
8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
10. Pull the pin and count to what?
11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
12. I wonder where the mother bear is.
13. I've seen this done on TV.
14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
17. Rat poison only kills rats.
18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
19. This doesn't taste right.
20. I can make this light before it changes.
21. Nice doggie.
22. I can do that with my eyes closed.
23. Well, we've made it this far.
24. That's odd.
25. Don't be so superstitious!


User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 1341 times:

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. (Did you, AndesSMF?)

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between " ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!


User currently offlineFridgmus From United States of America, joined Oct 2006, 1442 posts, RR: 10
Reply 21, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 1338 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

It's the first day of class and the teacher introduces herself to her new class: "Good morning class, my name is Miss Prussy, it rhymes with pussy, but has an "r" in it.

The next morning the teacher addresses the class: "Does anyone remember what my name is?" Little Johnny replies, "Yes, it's Miss Crunt".



The Lockheed Super Constellation, the REAL Queen of the Skies!
User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 22, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 18 hours ago) and read 1335 times:

And finally from me, Chopin's rarely seen (but frequently performed) foreplay sonata:

http://www.rhcontracts.com/images/FOREPLAY11.gif


User currently offlineScooter01 From Norway, joined Nov 2006, 1204 posts, RR: 8
Reply 23, posted (6 years 9 months 4 weeks 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 1306 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

You know why there are so few German jokes?
-Telling the point in the beginning kind of spoils the fun...

Scooter01

[Edited 2007-11-29 03:48:27]


"We all have a girl and her name is nostalgia" - Hemingway
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