Carmenlu15 From Guatemala, joined Dec 2004, 4747 posts, RR: 33 Posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 days 15 hours ago) and read 2802 times:
A guy was at the hospital visiting his Japanese neighbor, who had been involved in a serious car accident. He found his friend in the ICU, among many tubes here and there, all connected to various medical equipment. The patient was sleeping peacefully... when suddenly he got up in a shock, his eyes popping out, yelling "SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!" Having said that, he died.
During the funeral, the guy approached his friend's mother and his widow, and hugging both of them he asked,
"Mrs. Fumiko and Mrs. Shakita, seconds before my friend Fuyiro passed away he told me some words I cannot forget: 'SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!' Would you kindly tell me what do they mean?"
Fuyiro's mother fainted, and the widow looked at the guy with a shocked expression in her face. The guy insists, "What do these words mean, Mrs. Shakita?"
Furious, the widow replies, "That means 'STEP OFF THE OXYGEN TUBE, YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!"
Being a pioneer in any field is not by itself a guarantee of continued success - Pan Am, anyone?
Don81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0 Reply 3, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 2750 times:
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart - what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
AsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 5, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 2704 times:
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy at the door and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn has one just like it and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after the Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "So, after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without a hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
Helvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 8, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2623 times:
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
ORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 9, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 6 days ago) and read 2607 times:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill--beer in hand.
HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:
(10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
Helvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 11, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 2549 times:
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, two beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide them from the Germans; I hid them in my attic and they were never found."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told them that they had to pay for rent of the attic with sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding them; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell them that the war is over?"
AsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 15, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 5 days 18 hours ago) and read 2491 times:
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling, "Nah na nah na nah."
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says, "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Helvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 19, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 4 days 15 hours ago) and read 2308 times:
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra"movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Chertoff said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Helvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Reply 23, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 3 days 1 hour ago) and read 2095 times:
A husband and wife were enjoying a round of golf and tee'd off from the third, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife sliced it - her shot headed for a plate glass window and shattered it into a million pieces.
The couple felt guilty so went to check the damage, but when they reached the house, there was no-one home. The husband called out and then noticed a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - a scratch handicap for him, an annual income of CHF5,000,000 for her.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a multi-millionaire."
They thought long and hard about it, but finally the husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
Don81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0 Reply 24, posted (5 years 10 months 3 weeks 2 days 21 hours ago) and read 2056 times:
An American businessman travels to Japan to close a deal with a supplier. While he's there, he gets himself a "lady of the evening". During the evening, the woman has tears running down her face, and is screaming "Nungiya! Nungiya!"
The business man's ego assumes it's a great compliment.
The next day, while golfing with the supplier, the supplier nails a hole in one on a par five. The American, wanting to make an impression, exclaims "Nungiya!" The supplier turns to him and says: "The hell do you mean, 'wrong hole'"?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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