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Just Another Joke Thread...  
User currently offlineCarmenlu15 From Guatemala, joined Dec 2004, 4763 posts, RR: 30
Posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 3085 times:

A guy was at the hospital visiting his Japanese neighbor, who had been involved in a serious car accident. He found his friend in the ICU, among many tubes here and there, all connected to various medical equipment. The patient was sleeping peacefully... when suddenly he got up in a shock, his eyes popping out, yelling "SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!" Having said that, he died.

During the funeral, the guy approached his friend's mother and his widow, and hugging both of them he asked,

"Mrs. Fumiko and Mrs. Shakita, seconds before my friend Fuyiro passed away he told me some words I cannot forget: 'SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA!!!' Would you kindly tell me what do they mean?"

Fuyiro's mother fainted, and the widow looked at the guy with a shocked expression in her face. The guy insists, "What do these words mean, Mrs. Shakita?"

Furious, the widow replies, "That means 'STEP OFF THE OXYGEN TUBE, YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!"


Don't expect to see me around that much (if at all) -- the contact link should still work, though.
32 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineJamesbuk From United Kingdom, joined May 2005, 3968 posts, RR: 4
Reply 1, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 7 hours ago) and read 3073 times:

Whats black, crispy and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire


Whats the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonders speed boat


What does Stevie Wonders wife do after an argument?

Rearranges the furniture


 silly 

Rgds --James--



You cant have your cake and eat it... What the hells the point in having it then!!!
User currently offlineAirTranTUS From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 6 hours ago) and read 3059 times:

I hate concentration camp jokes because my great-grandfather died in one.








He fell asleep in the guard tower and fell to his death.


User currently offlineDon81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 5 hours ago) and read 3033 times:

An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart - what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
User currently offlinePlymSpotter From Spain, joined Jun 2004, 11664 posts, RR: 60
Reply 4, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 3001 times:

This is one which tickled me;

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Dan  Smile



...love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
User currently offlineAsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 2987 times:

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy at the door and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat. I know that McGlynn has one just like it and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after the Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "So, after I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without a hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."


User currently offlineFlyDeltaJets87 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days ago) and read 2961 times:

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?






Neither have they.


User currently offlineLHMARK From United States of America, joined Jan 2000, 7255 posts, RR: 46
Reply 7, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 4 days ago) and read 2957 times:

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?














She wasn't wearing her seat belt.



"Sympathy is something that shouldn't be bestowed on the Yankees. Apparently it angers them." - Bob Feller
User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 19 hours ago) and read 2906 times:

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"



And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.


User currently offlineORFflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 2890 times:

BBQ RULES


ROUTINE...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill--beer in hand.

HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

MORE ROUTINE.....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

IMPORTANT AGAIN:

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

MORE ROUTINE:

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:

(10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...


User currently offlineMiamiair From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 16 hours ago) and read 2872 times:

I was so depressed last night

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 13 hours ago) and read 2832 times:

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, two beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide them from the Germans; I hid them in my attic and they were never found."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told them that they had to pay for rent of the attic with sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding them; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell them that the war is over?"


User currently offlineDon81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0
Reply 12, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 13 hours ago) and read 2829 times:

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings "

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,

"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

"Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
User currently offlineB747forever From Sweden, joined May 2007, 17078 posts, RR: 10
Reply 13, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 11 hours ago) and read 2793 times:

But damn guys, most of this jokes are just brilliant!! Have to just memorise some of them.

Keep them up!!!



Work Hard, Fly Right
User currently offlineIH8BY From United Kingdom, joined Jun 2005, 1142 posts, RR: 3
Reply 14, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 11 hours ago) and read 2781 times:



Quoting PlymSpotter (Reply 4):
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Not funny. Arts graduate, sales assistant in high street store.  ashamed 

So...
The scene: a job interview:

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible"
Applicant: "That's me! In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"



Have you ever felt like you could float into the sky / like the laws of physics simply don't apply?
User currently offlineAsstChiefMark From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 15, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 11 hours ago) and read 2774 times:

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling, "Nah na nah na nah."

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says, "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"


User currently offlineDon81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 10 hours ago) and read 2767 times:

RECENT RESEARCH SHOWS THERE ARE 7 KINDS OF SEX:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have
sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular!)


The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.


And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex




You get a little each month - but not enough to enjoy yourself.



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
User currently offlineMiamiair From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 17, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 3 days 8 hours ago) and read 2730 times:



User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 15 hours ago) and read 2655 times:

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"


User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 19, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 8 hours ago) and read 2591 times:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra"movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Chertoff said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


User currently offlineConfuscius From United States of America, joined Aug 2001, 3868 posts, RR: 1
Reply 20, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 2 days 7 hours ago) and read 2580 times:

What do Italians and Arabs have in common?

Take them out of uniform and they become good fighters.



Ain't I a stinker?
User currently offlineThom@s From Norway, joined Oct 2000, 11953 posts, RR: 46
Reply 21, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 10 hours ago) and read 2489 times:

My grandfather was killed in the battle of Normandie during D-day in the 2nd world war.

He wasn't in the armed forces, he was just camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

Thom@s



"If guns don't kill people, people kill people - does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?"
User currently offlineColumba From Germany, joined Dec 2004, 7076 posts, RR: 4
Reply 22, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 2456 times:

http://img184.imageshack.us/img184/4607/niemehrblondinenwitzexr2.jpg


It will forever be a McDonnell Douglas MD 80 , Boeing MD 80 sounds so wrong
User currently offlineHelvknight From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 23, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 17 hours ago) and read 2378 times:

A husband and wife were enjoying a round of golf and tee'd off from the third, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife sliced it - her shot headed for a plate glass window and shattered it into a million pieces.

The couple felt guilty so went to check the damage, but when they reached the house, there was no-one home. The husband called out and then noticed a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - a scratch handicap for him, an annual income of CHF5,000,000 for her.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a multi-millionaire."

They thought long and hard about it, but finally the husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

"Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

"31."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"


User currently offlineDon81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0
Reply 24, posted (6 years 9 months 1 week 13 hours ago) and read 2339 times:

An American businessman travels to Japan to close a deal with a supplier. While he's there, he gets himself a "lady of the evening". During the evening, the woman has tears running down her face, and is screaming "Nungiya! Nungiya!"
The business man's ego assumes it's a great compliment.

The next day, while golfing with the supplier, the supplier nails a hole in one on a par five. The American, wanting to make an impression, exclaims "Nungiya!" The supplier turns to him and says: "The hell do you mean, 'wrong hole'"?



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
25 DC10extender : Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, '
26 PanHAM : Ah New Orleans...... This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside
27 ORFflyer : "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy say
28 Signol : Wisdom of Age An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
29 Helvknight : A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't
30 AirTranTUS : What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? . . . . . . I'll be home in 20 minutes!
31 RJdxer : What is a 710? A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at eac
32 Helvknight : Scottish Romance. These are real ads from the Scottish lonely-hearts column. Which one is Kirkie? Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old
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