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Advice Dealing With In Inactive 25yr Old Friend!  
User currently offlineKLM672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2471 posts, RR: 3
Posted (6 years 2 months 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 1768 times:

Hello. Maybe my problem is that I am too good of a friend but here is the story! One of my old college friends and I have been trying to meet up and hang out. To give a little bit of a background we both got done the college at the same time (he dropped out, I went and became a Flight Attendant but eventually went back). We met through our ex-girlfriends (they shared a dorm together) and continued a friendship after we got broken up with ever since.
We use to meet one a week and have coffee, watch WWE (both wrestling fans)watch tv and just chat. Sometimes we'd go to a local fast food joint to grab a bite to eat. While being based away from home during my yr as an FA I couldn't visit as often but we always set a night aside when I was home. I think we hung out more when i was 600-1000 miles away then when I was 30 and sometimes doing my studies 5 miles away from his place.

The problem is he keeps on canceling on me and in my opinion I don't find it right. Before I go any further and get the "maybe he doesn't want to hang out with you" replies, that is not the case. He is genuinely interested in hanging out, I've called it on him before and he was hurt and got pissed. From what I can understand he usually works 8-5 at a factory unloading suits from a truck and counting them. Yes, that is a physical job, but he is 25 years old. From what I gather, he goes home from work at 5pm, has dinner, takes a shower and then goes to bed by 9. Not docking his living arrangements but he lives with 5 guys in their mid 60's so its not like he is throwing parties or blasting his music.
We mostly communicate via text and during his break on the specific day that we are scheduled to meet he'll text me saying that A) he has to work overtime and doesn't know when he'll get out so we can't hang but he is very sorry and hopes we can do it another day. b) he is tired cause he didn't sleep very well last night. I can expect this maybe 75% of the time. I understand he has a full time (40 hour) job but other than that he doesn't do much of anything. I am somewhat concerned for him at 25 years old he shouldn't "shut down for the day" at 5:30pm. I, on the other hand work about 32 hours a week and take 2-3 college classes a semester (depending on the semester) along with flying lessons. I've always tried to make time for him and never canceled on my side. I always try explaining that its ok because we are both tired and just chatting in his room for an hour or two is perfectly fine. How do I approach this or should I leave it be? I am kinda concerned for him as I don't think any 25 year old should live like this.

[Edited 2008-08-22 09:42:14]

Edit: first for spelling and then I thought the topic could be a little more specific.

[Edited 2008-08-22 09:45:09]

[Edited 2008-08-22 09:54:06]

8 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineA332 From Canada, joined Feb 2005, 1644 posts, RR: 2
Reply 1, posted (6 years 2 months 4 days ago) and read 1698 times:

Perhaps he's up to more than you think with those 5 old dudes you say he lives with... haha.

Seriously though, he's obviously not interested in committing to the relationship any longer, so just move on. It happens in life. I have abandoned several 'friends' along the way for the same reason... if they can't commit, or I can't commit, it's not worth the time or the effort.



Bad spellers of the world... UNTIE!
User currently offlineMCOflyer From United States of America, joined Jun 2006, 8683 posts, RR: 16
Reply 2, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 1684 times:

I am having the same problem with one of mine and am getting ready to say its over also. He says he'll come down yet he doesn't. Hes very arrogant and acts like a know it all.

Hunter



Never be afraid to stand up for who you are.
User currently offlineTylerDurden From United States of America, joined May 2008, 852 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 1652 times:

You sound like a jilted lover. And the further you go into the explanation...the worse it gets!
 Smile

Friends see each other when they can--it's not a committment, chore, or obligation. Otherwise your not friends.

I have buds I went Law schools with that live within two miles----I talk to them maybe once every other month--sometimes just in court. It's no big deal.

Part time friends are a way of life as other priorities taken hold....


User currently offlineHT From Germany, joined May 2005, 6525 posts, RR: 23
Reply 4, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 1652 times:

Difficult to tell from the outside ...

Quoting KLM672 (Thread starter):
Not docking his living arrangements but he lives with 5 guys in their mid 60's so its not like he is throwing parties or blasting his music.

It might be for various reasons that your friend meanwhile prefers to stay alone:
Could be a social decision taken by him.
OTOH; can you rule out that your friend has evolved a kind of problem (drugs, alchohol) which results in breaking up social contacts ?
Also, as you say he lives with 5 older guys, are you sure that these guys do not influence your friend ? Can you try to meet him at work in order to make sure that nobody around is influencing him.

In case you can be sure that these 5 older guys have no bad influence on him, can you get into contact with one or more of them and ask for their opinion about this all ?

In the end your friend might be in a situation where he needs help (and gratefully will accept it), but it is also an option that he still needs help but will not accept it from you.
-HT



Carpe diem ! Life is too short to waste your time ! Keep in mind, that today is the first day of the rest of your life !
User currently offlineSlamClick From United States of America, joined Nov 2003, 10062 posts, RR: 68
Reply 5, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 1616 times:



Quoting A332 (Reply 1):
committing to the relationship



Quoting MCOflyer (Reply 2):
am getting ready to say its over



Quoting TylerDurden (Reply 3):
You sound like a jilted lover

Oh yeah! Sounds a lot more like a "couple" than a friendship. Thing is, when you are kids your friendships are almost the supreme thing in your life, but when you grow up there are further education and jobs and moves and starting families and aging parent issues and all kinds of things that can become more imperative than hanging out. If you are to remain friends for the long pull, the nature of the friendship must evolve.

When we were ten years old we liked nothing better than to grab our sleeping bags and .22's and camp out somewhere. That was as good as life got, but I cannot imagine what it would take to induce my friends and me to throw our fartsacks down on the cold lumpy ground and talk about nothing like we did back then. I'm still friends with guys I've known since we were babies together but we don't "hang out" ever.

I have one good friend who actually earned the nickname "Boring Life" by the time he was 21. Couldn't blast him off his couch. One evening another friend went over to try to get him out to do something - anything. Finally my friend said:
"Know what I wish?"
The other friend said he did not know.
"I wish I didn't have to pee."

Now that is pretty damn lazy, lying on the couch wishing you didn't have to get up to go to the bathroom. Well, this lazy guy built himself a good reputation, was self-employed from about age 25 on, sold his business and retired, volunteers at a really cool museum, and collects and restores museum-piece artifatcs of his own. He's built what I consider a successful and interesting life - and still hits the couch with a sixpack just about every evening. He is obviously happy when my brother or I stop in to visit but in 30 years of living a ten minute walk from my brother he has never once dropped in on him.

Some dogs stay pretty close to the porch, you see.



Happiness is not seeing another trite Ste. Maarten photo all week long.
User currently offlineVonRichtofen From Canada, joined Nov 2000, 4629 posts, RR: 36
Reply 6, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 22 hours ago) and read 1581 times:

No offence but maybe he's afraid that you like him more than just a friend. The evidence is there: The way your post was written, the fact that you actually asked him why he won't spend time with you, you're an F/A.... j/k Big grin


Word
User currently offlineTylerDurden From United States of America, joined May 2008, 852 posts, RR: 0
Reply 7, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 22 hours ago) and read 1553 times:



Quoting VonRichtofen (Reply 6):
The way your post was written, the fact that you actually asked him why he won't spend time with you, you're an F/A..

...the promise ring...
...the rainbow headbands...
...the copy of Beaches you gave him...
 Smile


User currently offlineKLM672 From United States of America, joined Oct 1999, 2471 posts, RR: 3
Reply 8, posted (6 years 2 months 3 days 21 hours ago) and read 1521 times:



Quoting HT (Reply 4):
Also, as you say he lives with 5 older guys, are you sure that these guys do not influence your friend ? Can you try to meet him at work in order to make sure that nobody around is influencing him.

I'm not sure. From what I see/heard from him they have very little interaction. It seems to be somewhat like a crash pad except everyone has their own bedrooms. Its to the point where it is BYOTP...bring your own toilet paper. He is paying a ton of money for that about $500 a month and everything is shared..i don't find a good deal but it is his life. Another idea is that maybe he would rather spend 20 minutes of private time talking to his gf on the phone than a few hours with me. Maybe it is just his job..he works with a bunch of not so nice people but oh well. I told him when I am free and he can text me when he wants to hang..I am leaving it at that.

Haha never thought about all the gay jokes but yes it does sorta sound like that. Nah, we just went through a lot together, we both got dumped within weeks of each other. He went through a rough time where he was unemployed and his mom was in the hospital so maybe I was a bit of a crutch and a bit of damn this WILL sound gay but...a bit of sunshine for him and now that he is on his feet, with a girlfriend etc he doesn't want my company.
Oh well...that is life


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