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Favorite Religious Jokes From The Simpsons  
User currently offlinePlanespotting From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 3547 posts, RR: 4
Posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 11 hours ago) and read 5450 times:

I've been a fan of the Simpsons since the first season debuted, and I've always thought the religious jokes were some of the funniest ... so I'll start:

From Homer the heretic:

Rev. Lovejoy, dining with the Simpson family: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. ''A foolish man, who who built his house on sand.''

Homer: And you remember... Matthew ... 21:17.

Rev. Lovejoy: ''And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there'?'

Homer: Yeah ... Think about it.

From Hurricane Neddy:

Ned Flanders, after the Hurricane destroyed his home: I don't know Reverend, I, I almost feel a little like Job.

Reverend Lovejoy: Don't you think you're being a tad melodramatic, Ned ... plus, I believe Job was right handed.

From Bart's girlfriend:

Lisa, imploring the church to not judge her brother for stealing the church collection plate: Doesn't the bible say - "judge not lest ye be judged?"

Reverend Lovejoy: I believe it's somewhere towards the back ...

Do you like movies about gladiators?
14 replies: All unread, jump to last
User currently offlineEasternSon From United States of America, joined Jun 2006, 672 posts, RR: 1
Reply 1, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 5421 times:

Watch the "Mr. Sparkle" episode - it says a lot about the current state of religion.

Also, it's freaking funny.

"The only people for me are the mad ones...." Jack Kerouac
User currently offlineTransIsland From Bahamas, joined Mar 2004, 2049 posts, RR: 8
Reply 2, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 5390 times:

From the movie:

*Homer picks up bible and skims through it*
Homer: This book doesn't contain any answers!

I'm an aviation expert. I have Sky Juice for breakfast.
User currently offlineRonglimeng From Canada, joined Oct 2006, 626 posts, RR: 0
Reply 3, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 5366 times:

I forget the episode, but I think Bart was in Sunday School class learning about the unending horrors of Hell.

Bart: But wouldn't it be kind of like a hot bath...you'd get used to it after a while?

User currently offlineHomer71 From United States of America, joined Jul 2001, 2273 posts, RR: 13
Reply 4, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 5355 times:

also from "Homer the Heretic"...

God: "Now, if you'll excuse me Homer, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico..."

"On spaceship earth there are no passengers...only crew."
User currently offlineA332 From Canada, joined Feb 2005, 1644 posts, RR: 1
Reply 5, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5326 times:

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Mrs. Lovejoy: Mmm hm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? [holds up a bible] Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Bad spellers of the world... UNTIE!
User currently offlineCPH-R From Denmark, joined May 2001, 6542 posts, RR: 3
Reply 6, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5318 times:

My favourite was in There's Something About Marrying
Rev. Lovejoy: While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex no more than I can put a hamburger on a hotdog bun. Now, go back to working behind the scenes at every facet of entertainment!
Marge: Excuse me, Reverend.
Lovejoy: Yes?
Marge: As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same "hoo-hoo" or "ha-ha."
Nelson: Ha-ha! audio clip
Rev. Lovejoy: The bible forbids same-sex relations.
Marge: Which book?
Rev. Lovejoy: Which book?! The Bible!
Marge: But Reverend... (Lovejoy begins cranking the church bells so loud that it drowns out what Marge is saying. What follows are Marge's mostly inaudible lines) Scriptural scholars disagree on the significance to Christians of many of the Old Testaments prescriptions! Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness! And compassion!

User currently offlineSrbmod From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 5270 times:

From the "Bart Sells His Soul" episode:

Bart: Hymns, here! I got hymns, here. Get 'em while they're holy. Fresh from God's brain to your mouth. Heh heh heh.
Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn, uh..."In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly.
(Mrs. Feesh starts playing)
Everyone: In the garden of Eden, honey, Don't you know that I lo-ove yo-ou? In the garden of Eden, baby, Don't you know that I'll always be tru-ue?
(Bart chuckles)
Homer: quietly Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
(they both chuckle)

A longish organ solo takes place, Mrs. Feesh gradually getting sweatier
and more disheveled. "Oh won't you come with me/and take my hand?"
everyone sings. The Rev. takes a closer look at the words and observes,
"Wait a minute. This looks like rock and/or roll." Someone throws a
beach ball at him and it bounces off his head. Seventeen minutes later,
Mrs. Feesh plays an arpeggio while various members of the audience (er,
congregation) hold lit candles above them. She plays the final five
notes and collapses onto the organ.

Lovejoy is not amused. He assembles all the kids in his office to
extract a confession.

Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell where I will eat nought but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola --
(all the kids recite in unison)
Ralph: (scared) ...where fiery demons will punch me in the back,
Bart: (bored) ...where my soul will be chopped into confetti and be strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers,
Milhouse: ...where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.

a crow outside looks right at him an squawks

Bart did it! That Bart right there!
Bart: (angry) Milhouse!
Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. (goes back for Milhouse) You too, snitchy.

That last line just makes the whole scene.

[Edited 2008-10-20 14:15:57]

User currently offlineBristolFlyer From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 2330 posts, RR: 0
Reply 8, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 5240 times:

Homer: 'If God had wanted us to go to church every Sunday he would have made weeks 1 hr longer".

Fortune favours the brave
User currently offlineDragon-wings From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 4055 posts, RR: 0
Reply 9, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 5230 times:

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. - Homer

"Thank the Lor -- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.". - Superintendent Chalmers

I forget how it exactly goes but Homer dies and can't get into heaven until he does 1 good deed. He goes down to Marge and asks Marge if she has a good deed for him to do. Marge say he can clean the garage, clean the gutters, and mow the lawn. Homer stops her and says I'm just trying to get into heaven, I'm not running for Jesus.

Don't give up don't ever give up - Jim Valvano
User currently offlineStasisLAX From United States of America, joined Jul 2007, 3320 posts, RR: 7
Reply 10, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 5192 times:

1. Homer: [while watching a meteor shower]

"I wish God were alive to see this."

2. Bart.

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas?You know, the birth of Santa."

3. Ned and Maude Flanders:

Ned: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety!" B.Franklin
User currently offlineOA412 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 6047 posts, RR: 25
Reply 11, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 6 days ago) and read 5149 times:

From the Treehouse of Horror episode where it is revealed that Kang is Maggie's real father:

Homer opens the door, sees Kang and Kodos standing there and proclaims: "Oh great, Mormons!"

Hughes Airwest - Top Banana In The West
User currently offlineVirgin744 From United States of America, joined Nov 1999, 923 posts, RR: 4
Reply 12, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 5120 times:

Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

still has me in stitches!

User currently offlineContinental From United States of America, joined Jun 2000, 5557 posts, RR: 15
Reply 13, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 5 days 22 hours ago) and read 5089 times:

Homer: "I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to church!"

User currently offlineACDC8 From Canada, joined Mar 2005, 8030 posts, RR: 32
Reply 14, posted (7 years 7 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 5067 times:

From the "Homer Loves Flanders" episode ...

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick --
Homer: [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

A Grumpy German Is A Sauerkraut
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