A332 From Canada, joined Feb 2005, 1644 posts, RR: 2 Reply 5, posted (5 years 1 month 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 3411 times:
Secrets of a Successful Marriage
Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Mrs. Lovejoy: Mmm hm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? [holds up a bible] Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
CPH-R From Denmark, joined May 2001, 5864 posts, RR: 3 Reply 6, posted (5 years 1 month 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 3403 times:
My favourite was in There's Something About Marrying
Rev. Lovejoy: While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex no more than I can put a hamburger on a hotdog bun. Now, go back to working behind the scenes at every facet of entertainment!
Marge: Excuse me, Reverend.
Marge: As long as two people love each other, I don't think God cares whether they both have the same "hoo-hoo" or "ha-ha."
Nelson: Ha-ha! audio clip
Rev. Lovejoy: The bible forbids same-sex relations.
Marge: Which book?
Rev. Lovejoy: Which book?! The Bible!
Marge: But Reverend... (Lovejoy begins cranking the church bells so loud that it drowns out what Marge is saying. What follows are Marge's mostly inaudible lines) Scriptural scholars disagree on the significance to Christians of many of the Old Testaments prescriptions! Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness! And compassion!
Srbmod From United States of America, joined Mar 2001, 17284 posts, RR: 51 Reply 7, posted (5 years 1 month 3 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 3355 times:
From the "Bart Sells His Soul" episode:
Bart: Hymns, here! I got hymns, here. Get 'em while they're holy. Fresh from God's brain to your mouth. Heh heh heh. Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn, uh..."In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly.
(Mrs. Feesh starts playing) Everyone: In the garden of Eden, honey, Don't you know that I lo-ove yo-ou? In the garden of Eden, baby, Don't you know that I'll always be tru-ue?
(Bart chuckles) Homer: quietly Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
(they both chuckle)
A longish organ solo takes place, Mrs. Feesh gradually getting sweatier
and more disheveled. "Oh won't you come with me/and take my hand?"
everyone sings. The Rev. takes a closer look at the words and observes,
"Wait a minute. This looks like rock and/or roll." Someone throws a
beach ball at him and it bounces off his head. Seventeen minutes later,
Mrs. Feesh plays an arpeggio while various members of the audience (er,
congregation) hold lit candles above them. She plays the final five
notes and collapses onto the organ.
Lovejoy is not amused. He assembles all the kids in his office to
extract a confession.
Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell where I will eat nought but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola --
(all the kids recite in unison) Ralph: (scared) ...where fiery demons will punch me in the back, Bart: (bored) ...where my soul will be chopped into confetti and be strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, Milhouse: ...where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds.
a crow outside looks right at him an squawks
Bart did it! That Bart right there! Bart: (angry) Milhouse! Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. (goes back for Milhouse) You too, snitchy.
Dragon-wings From United States of America, joined Apr 2001, 3940 posts, RR: 0 Reply 9, posted (5 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 hours ago) and read 3315 times:
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. - Homer
"Thank the Lor -- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion.". - Superintendent Chalmers
I forget how it exactly goes but Homer dies and can't get into heaven until he does 1 good deed. He goes down to Marge and asks Marge if she has a good deed for him to do. Marge say he can clean the garage, clean the gutters, and mow the lawn. Homer stops her and says I'm just trying to get into heaven, I'm not running for Jesus.
ACDC8 From Canada, joined Mar 2005, 7623 posts, RR: 38 Reply 14, posted (5 years 1 month 2 weeks 6 days 22 hours ago) and read 3152 times:
From the "Homer Loves Flanders" episode ...
Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick --
Homer: [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.