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Being Bitter And Holding Grudges  
User currently offlineTsaord From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 23 hours ago) and read 1293 times:

I feel I take things way to personal sometimes but I guess that is how I'm wired.

I hold grudges against people who have done things to me I thought were not fair at all. I might not show it outright but my behavior changes and I try not to be around them if I don't have too. Even though they apologized, didn't realize they did something wrong, I still get this feeling of "I can't stand you no more".

Call it a flaw or whatever lol. All the time people say "get over it", "move on" from things that hurt you. But exactly how do you do that? How do you just "get over" something?

9 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineFlighty From United States of America, joined Apr 2007, 8198 posts, RR: 3
Reply 1, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 22 hours ago) and read 1259 times:

Sometimes a grudge can be good. But it's hard work keeping a grudge. It can wear you out.

One way you can "rise above" it is to make forgiveness into a victory. Instead it sounds like you are making a grudge into a victory. Maybe that is a dead end. What if you could win by giving something positive to them... instead of just reflecting their negativity back at them. If there is negativity, why not just receive it and stay positive... it will make them feel like shit. Just my 2c. Having gone thru this many times too  Smile

Getting rid of a grudge is a skill that takes a lot of practice. But it can work.


User currently offlineQANTAS077 From Australia, joined Jan 2004, 5825 posts, RR: 41
Reply 2, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 1231 times:

great place to start is this book...

http://dontsweat.com/booksandtapes.html

Don't sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff.

it helped me enormously! I recognised so many of the characteristics in the book, now I feel I am much better equipped to handle situations that you speak of.



a true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else believes the smile on your face.
User currently offlineKmh1956 From Bermuda, joined Jun 2005, 3324 posts, RR: 7
Reply 3, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 19 hours ago) and read 1162 times:

First...you need to put things into perspective...how absolutely awful was whatever was done to you? I mean...is it up there with genocide? Or is it something so trivial as being left out of an invitation? If the latter, then the world is still safe and you can consider your grudge to be of the petty variety....
Then...put yourself in the other person's shoes for a minute....he/she has apologized, but you're still holding a grudge....is that fair?
I find grudges and being bitter exhausting....and I've had plenty of reasons to feel both. Let go of the bitterness as soon as you can; you'll feel so much better.



'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
User currently onlineKiwiandrew From New Zealand, joined Jun 2005, 8488 posts, RR: 14
Reply 4, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 16 hours ago) and read 1117 times:
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I have to admit that I am not good at letting go of things ( it seems to run in my family - once you are on my mothers 'shit list' you never get off of it ) , but in the end the truth is that the only person who is in any way hurt by my refusal to let go and move on is me , I have come to the conclusion in recent years that it takes more energy to 'keep the hurt going' than to just let go - so these days that is what I try to do - my personality type means that I do not find this easy - but that just makes it all the better when I do succeed - I recommend that you try it even if you do find it difficult as I am definitely a happier person now than I used to be


Moderation in all things ... including moderation ;-)
User currently offlineGordonsmall From UK - Scotland, joined Jun 2001, 2003 posts, RR: 22
Reply 5, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 1103 times:



Quoting Tsaord (Thread starter):
How do you just "get over" something?

I find that having the persons legs broken, or, in extreme cases, having their eldest child brutally murdered in cold blood works well for me.  Wink

Your mileage may vary though.



Statistically, people who have had the most birthdays tend to live the longest.
User currently offlineDougloid From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 6, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 15 hours ago) and read 1097 times:

I'm with Gordo here....

I've got a small blue spot on one leg. It is where I was stabbed with a ballpoint pen in high school. All I have to do is look at that little blue mark and it brings it all back. That was 42 years ago. If I ever meet up with the sonofabitch again I'll make sure that I'm the one who walks away. They'll carry his ass out on a gurney.


User currently offlineFlighty From United States of America, joined Apr 2007, 8198 posts, RR: 3
Reply 7, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 1078 times:



Quoting Dougloid (Reply 6):
up with the sonofabitch again I'll make sure that I'm the one who walks away. They'll carry his ass out on a gurney.

hAHAHA

Grudges can go 2 ways.... forgiveness... or vengeance!


User currently offlineShyFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 1063 times:

Hold a grudge give the person who wronged you the upper hand. By that I mean that they are in control of your emotions. By letting go, you essentially prevent them from continuing to control your life. It is, of course, easier said than done. I've been there and my t-shirt is hanging in my closet.

I once had a job where a supervisor and a couple of coworkers decided for reasons still unclear to me to make my work life a living hell. In short, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked, it wasn't good enough. By the end, I was an emotional wreak.

Thoughts of revenge consumed me. Visions of slashing tires and other vehicular defamation danced through my head. Since a police record isn't something I want, those visions remained as such. In time, I let go completely of that anger and rage. But not after realizing that the skill set I brought to the workplace could not be easily replaced. My revenge, you see, was not being around anymore. Those that complained about me and sought to get rid of me now have my work to do in addition to theirs.


User currently offlineVikkyvik From United States of America, joined Jul 2003, 9391 posts, RR: 27
Reply 9, posted (5 years 2 months 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 1061 times:
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Quoting Flighty (Reply 1):
But it's hard work keeping a grudge. It can wear you out.

Absolutely.

I always tell myself (and other people) that it takes serious work to hate someone, and it generally isn't worth it.

That said, sometimes I don't listen to my own head. There are definitely people to whom I feel ill will, even though I know I should let it go. But for better or for worse, it takes me quite awhile to get over something.

Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 8):
By letting go, you essentially prevent them from continuing to control your life. It is, of course, easier said than done.

Very true.

And it should be said that by letting go of a grudge, you don't have to be the person's best friend or anything. Just let whatever feelings go, and they can go back to simply existing as another human being in your mind.



"Two and a Half Men" was filmed in front of a live ostrich.
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