SOBHI51 From Saudi Arabia, joined Jun 2003, 3008 posts, RR: 17 Reply 2, posted (4 years 3 months 4 days ago) and read 5633 times:
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to* *the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.*
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"*
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and* *8 days to live**
*Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!*
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.*
*After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. *
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
*Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you* *said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me from* *out of the path of the ambulance?"*
*(You'll love this)*
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"*
=================================================================
The Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Bet ween 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a
glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through
war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business
Between 61 and 70, a woman
is like Canada, self-preserving but
open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... Only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
The Geography Of A Man
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....
Kmh1956 From Bermuda, joined Jun 2005, 3324 posts, RR: 8 Reply 3, posted (4 years 3 months 3 days 20 hours ago) and read 5544 times:
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
'Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone' :Natasha Bedingfield
Confuscius From United States of America, joined Aug 2001, 3633 posts, RR: 2 Reply 4, posted (4 years 3 months 3 days 14 hours ago) and read 5491 times:
Two married men were having a beer after work. Norm said: "Have you ever said one thing when you meant to say something else?"
"How do you mean?" said Dick.
"Well the other day instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Dick. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, "Pass the sugar" but what came out was, "You bitch, you ruined my life."
787seattle From United States of America, joined Feb 2008, 641 posts, RR: 0 Reply 5, posted (4 years 3 months 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 5454 times:
David Letterman's Top Ten List
The Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down:
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
B747forever From United States of America, joined May 2007, 16574 posts, RR: 11 Reply 6, posted (4 years 3 months 3 days 3 hours ago) and read 5353 times:
SOBHI51 From Saudi Arabia, joined Jun 2003, 3008 posts, RR: 17 Reply 7, posted (4 years 3 months 2 days 14 hours ago) and read 5236 times:
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. Hestrip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
Don81603 From Canada, joined Jul 2005, 1185 posts, RR: 0 Reply 9, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 5089 times:
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
GDB From United Kingdom, joined May 2001, 12706 posts, RR: 80 Reply 10, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 5068 times:
Q. How do you know if you are going with a real dirty girl?
A. When you ask her for a blow job and she replies, nah, I'm too tired to be bothered right now, just wank in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning!
A little boy was in his garden and killed a Butterfly, his dad said that's bad, no butter for two weeks!
Then he killed a Honey Bee, his dad said, right, no honey for you for a month!
A bit later his mum came out and squashed a cockroach, the little boy looked at his dad and said do you wanna tell or will I?
A vain husband is preening himself, looking in the mirror of the bedroom, look at that, he says to his wife, 12 stones of pure dynamite!
His wife replies, shame about the 2 inch fuse!
In a new development in the war torn Middle East, groups of Israeli troops have entered Jordan.
Early reports suggest she is tired and her arse is sore, but she'll solider on!
FatmirJusufi From Albania, joined Jan 2009, 2410 posts, RR: 7 Reply 11, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 5060 times:
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Phoenix9 From Canada, joined Aug 2007, 2546 posts, RR: 8 Reply 19, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 17 hours ago) and read 4960 times:
Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
-----
Wife read a book and tells her husband, a bull boinks 300 times a year. You don't do quarter of that.
Husband: Does the book say the bull boinks the same cow?
-----
Girl: What is the first thing that you look at in a woman?
Guy: Depends on wheather she is coming or going.
----
Question. What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?
Answer. A Lickalotopuss.
----
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a b!tch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b!tch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes,
father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a b!tch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A B!TCH!!!"
-----
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word “service.”
The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City Public Service, and I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “Service” meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull “Service” a few of his cows.
WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those “Service” agencies are doing to us.
Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
787seattle From United States of America, joined Feb 2008, 641 posts, RR: 0 Reply 20, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 17 hours ago) and read 4958 times:
A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.
Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"
ACDC8 From Canada, joined Mar 2005, 7598 posts, RR: 40 Reply 21, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 13 hours ago) and read 4885 times:
Great thread!
Just got this as an email:
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium(symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Ad ministratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Not nearly as funny as most of the above jokes, but still good for a chuckle
Dragon6172 From United States of America, joined Jul 2007, 1160 posts, RR: 0 Reply 23, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 4827 times:
Quoting ACDC8 (Reply 21): Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
Love it! This is one of my favorites:
A Scientific Proof of Hell
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
Rleiro From Venezuela, joined Jan 2006, 490 posts, RR: 7 Reply 24, posted (4 years 3 months 1 day 8 hours ago) and read 4812 times:
Here's mine:
After many years analyzing the rising of Chavez to power and the reaons of his apparent flawless popularity, I've reached the conclusion that this is due to his similatity to a p*ssy:
- His hair is curly... like a p*ssy.
- His lips are thick...like a p*ssy.
- And has such a power to convince... like a p*ssy.
Saludos,
Roberto.-
A proud SVZM Spotter!
25 Revelation: [Straps on flak jacket, helmet and steel athletic cup] Q: How do you fix a woman's watch? A: Why bother, there's a clock on the stove! [Wishes he had
26 Airboeing: - "Doctor, I have memory problems" - "Ahh, since when ?" - "Since when what ??"
27 ANITIX87: 1) Why doesn't a women need an umbrella? It never rains between the kitchen and the bedroom! Also, for a really good, good laugh, fmylife.com. I'm add
28 SOBHI51: In advance for my Lebanese friends this is just a joke. How materialistic Lebanese are?? A Lebanese gentleman living in Dubai parked his brand-new BMW
29 Corocks: How long does it take a woman to have an orgasm? > > Who Cares? What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? > > A toilet doesn't follow you
31 Phoenix9: Or the nose??? Here are a few more: Question. What do women and tax forms have in common? Answer. Men love to cheat on them. ---- Santa: What kind of
34 1stfl94: A blonde gets onto a plane and sits down in a first class seat. A stewardess comes over and sees the blonde's economy class ticket and says to her 'ex
35 Trident3: 'MI5 have uncovered an Al-Qaeda terror plan involving bombs concealed in tins of Alphabetti spaghetti. A top level nation wide search is underway to f
36 Phoenix9: A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said,
37 FatmirJusufi: Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink 1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood 2nd Va
38 Phoenix9: Naaasty! Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gen
40 AKiss20: Haha lame vampire one ahead: Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a blood." the second one says, "you know what? I'll have a
41 Metroliner: These actually made me laugh out loud...
43 787seattle: kneeslappers Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
44 AKiss20: I'd done the flame suit if I were you. Some here seem fanatical about their celebrities I was surprised to see my joke get such a good reception! Whe
45 CurtisMan: As bad a joke as this is; it is still my favourite. What kind of bees make milk? ... ... ... Boobies! hahahahahhahaha
46 Springbok747: Slumdog Millionaire won best picture at the Oscars. Now that is a real joke.
47 787seattle: prepare to be . That was a pretty good movie in my opinion.
48 Don81603: A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head an
49 FlyDeltaJets87: Q: Why don't women need a driver's license? A: Because there aren't any roads between the bedroom and the kitchen Q: What should you do if the dishwa
50 Kaitak: Man goes to the dentist first thing in the morning; in a hurry and irate, he says to the dentist: look, I have a game booked for 10am, at the best cou
51 Phoenix9: Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, the
52 787seattle: What's better than 10 dead babies nailed to one tree? ....... ....... One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
53 Hywel: Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each tim
55 Phoenix9: I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would t
56 UltimateDelta: Okay... Let's see: How many engineers does it take to replace a lightbulb? Five. One to actually put it in, and four to argue over which way to turn i
57 787seattle: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is impr
58 YYZflyer: A baby seal walks into a club........ What do you call a 6.9? A 69 interupted by a period.
59 FlyDeltaJets87: The reverse: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? No one knows but it only takes one to screw it up. How many Clintons does it t
61 Phoenix9: Two sperms talking to each other the first say "when I develop into a kid I will become a doctor", the second says "when I develop I'll be an engineer
62 787seattle: During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent f
63 Don81603: A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a volu
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