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How weird a family situation is this?  
User currently offlineMirrodie From United States of America, joined Apr 2000, 7443 posts, RR: 62
Posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 13 hours ago) and read 3247 times:
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Pay attention, a true story of a family we know.

The scenario: This couple got married in their 40s and natural childbirth was not advised by their doctor. So they progressed to adopt a child from overseas.

As the months toward the adoption closed, it was learned that the wife's brother's wife was also pregnant. (That couple had 2 kids already from diff. fathers) And they were about to have an abortion.

So our neighbors, die hard right wing conservatives, talked them out of abortion and asked to adopt their child. Yes, our neighbors adopted their niece. And a few weeks later, they now had 2 kids, as the adopted girl from China came in.

The biological mother is around at least once a month, and was around much more frequently during her infancy. My personal opinion is that having the biological mother around along with the mother really, along with voices and hormones, really plays a role in this kids behavioral development.

A bit odd, yes? But in case you are thinking I'm over exaggerating...read on:

OK, to continue, a few weeks ago, the neighbors wife tells us that her brother's wife is pregnant again and this time ARE KEEPING the child!!

Sure, its not the Bobby Darin story, but at some point that kid, the adopted niece, is going to know her real mother and no matter the answer, she's gonna wonder why she was given up. But to make matters worse, why did the mother have yet another child and keep that one?


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10 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineJakeOrion From United States of America, joined Oct 2005, 1253 posts, RR: 2
Reply 1, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3233 times:



Quoting Mirrodie (Thread starter):
But to make matters worse, why did the mother have yet another child and keep that one?

That will be the biological mother's problem. The only thing her adopted parents need to do is make sure she knows she is well loved by them. As long as she has that, she'll at least know she has a place called home and is loved by what she would call "mom and dad."

No matter what the case though, unless the biological mother has an extremely good reason, the mother and daughter's relationship will most likely be severely strained. Just be prepared for the drama, as you already know its coming.



Every problem has a simple solution; finding the simple solution is the difficult problem.
User currently offlineLowrider From United States of America, joined Jun 2004, 3220 posts, RR: 10
Reply 2, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3233 times:



Quoting Mirrodie (Thread starter):
die hard right wing conservatives, talked them out of abortion and asked to adopt their child

Best possible outcome of this situation.

Quoting Mirrodie (Thread starter):
is going to know her real mother and no matter the answer, she's gonna wonder why she was given up. But to make matters worse, why did the mother have yet another child and keep that one?

I would consider ending contact with the birth mother, moving, and not telling the adopted child any of this until they are old enough to understand what it means to make poor choices with regard to getting pregnant. Anything else will result in a lot of confusion for the child.



Proud OOTSK member
User currently offlineIairallie From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3218 times:



Quoting JakeOrion (Reply 1):
The only thing her adopted parents need to do is make sure she knows she is well loved by them.

Agreed. When the time comes instead of dwelling on the bio-parents poor judgement they should focus on the fact that the real (adoptive) loved her so much that they made sure she lived and had a loving home. I'm not sure it is really necessary though to go into the whole abortion thing. I'd just explain that circumstances for the bio-parents changed over time. Maybe the bio-parents decided to keep the next baby because they realized they missed out when they gave her up to her aunt.

Quoting Lowrider (Reply 2):
not telling the adopted child any of this until they are old enough to understand what it means to make poor choices with regard to getting pregnant. Anything else will result in a lot of confusion for the child.

So right, I think the key is keeping it age appropriate.

To answer the post question I think the aunt and uncle sound like good people and the kid will turn out just fine.


User currently offlineMirrodie From United States of America, joined Apr 2000, 7443 posts, RR: 62
Reply 4, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3202 times:
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Quoting Lowrider (Reply 2):
I would consider ending contact with the birth mother, moving, and not telling the adopted child any of this

MOving??!! ROFLMAO. Its not my place to be involved. I'm staying put and watching this unfold.

Quoting JakeOrion (Reply 1):
The only thing her adopted parents need to do is make sure she knows she is well loved by them.

And they are good folks and will do right by her, I have no doubt.

Quoting Iairallie (Reply 3):
Maybe the bio-parents decided to keep the next baby because they realized they missed out when they gave her up to her aunt.

That seems the only sensible conclusion but how it comes across to the child is a whole other story.

In my heart, I think she'll be fine but ...the family outings are going to be weird. A total of 5 cousins playing together when in reality, they are 4 siblings and one adopted.



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User currently offlineIairallie From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3184 times:



Quoting Mirrodie (Reply 4):
That seems the only sensible conclusion but how it comes across to the child is a whole other story

The point is it shouldn't be coming across to a child. The full story needs to wait until she is older.


User currently offlineMirrodie From United States of America, joined Apr 2000, 7443 posts, RR: 62
Reply 6, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 12 hours ago) and read 3182 times:
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You and I know that. But if they are blabbing this info all about town, it won't take long before the kid finds out the wrong way. That would be my concern.


Personally, that were my business, I wouldnt be airing it with all my neighbors.



Forum moderator 2001-2010; He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless st
User currently offlineLowrider From United States of America, joined Jun 2004, 3220 posts, RR: 10
Reply 7, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 11 hours ago) and read 3162 times:



Quoting Mirrodie (Reply 4):
MOving??!! ROFLMAO. Its not my place to be involved. I'm staying put and watching this unfold.

Just trying to make the point of how serious I think it is. This will be a tough situation for the adopted child and adoptive parents. A veritable minefield to walk through for the next decade or so.



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User currently offlineOly720man From United Kingdom, joined May 2004, 6698 posts, RR: 11
Reply 8, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 3034 times:

I'm sure situations like this have been happening for decades, if not centuries. In my extended family there are tales of cousins who were really sisters, for example, or aunt and niece who were sisters. I'm not sure if the children ever knew of any of these arrangements or they were just brought up in blissful ignorance with the skeletons firmly in the cupboard.

Quoting Iairallie (Reply 5):
The full story needs to wait until she is older.

Some relatives adopted a couple of children and they were told from being quite young that they were adopted. I've heard of older children going completely off the rails when being told that they were adopted.... as if their whole life was a lie and they couldn't trust anyone. It may be better to start young with edited highlights of the story so at least it's there and can be developed rather being a bombshell in later years.



wheat and dairy can screw up your brain
User currently offlineDesertJets From United States of America, joined Feb 2000, 7773 posts, RR: 16
Reply 9, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2962 times:



Quoting Mirrodie (Thread starter):
OK, to continue, a few weeks ago, the neighbors wife tells us that her brother's wife is pregnant again and this time ARE KEEPING the child!!

This story is quite bizarre, and far be it from me to dictate how people should make choices in their lives, yada yada yada.... But if you had/have no desire to have more children, to the point that you considered abortion and ended up adopting your newborn child to another family member, would you not consider either being REALLY stringent with your birth control use, or opt for one of many of the safe and reliable means of sterilization -- like a vasectomy?

Ultimately the biggest problem I see in this situation is that there are few boundaries. I could understand why the biological mother would want to be part of her child's life... but she and her husband chose to give up the child to a relative. Granted she has every right to be an "aunt" to this kid... but the boundaries are so blurred it is confusing. I almost need a diagram to figure these things out.

Quoting Oly720man (Reply 8):
It may be better to start young with edited highlights of the story so at least it's there and can be developed rather being a bombshell in later years.

I agree, but lets face it, this is a completely different scenario than most normal adoptions. Most adopted kids don't have their biological parents in their lives -- mascarading as their "aunt". Like the OP said ultimately how do you deal with explaining to this child -- whenever that conversation happens, as to why s/he was given up... yet the slightly younger cousin/sibling was kept. Regardless of how well loved and how good of a home the adoptive parents provide, this is going to be a BIG issue.



Stop drop and roll will not save you in hell. --- seen on a church marque in rural Virginia
User currently offlineIairallie From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (5 years 3 months 1 week 5 days 15 hours ago) and read 2820 times:



Quoting Oly720man (Reply 8):
Some relatives adopted a couple of children and they were told from being quite young that they were adopted

I said the FULL story meaning the abortion part who her birth parents are etc. not that she is adopted. Being adopted is something that can be introduced pretty young... The details should be filled in as the child matures though.


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