Saintsman From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 2065 posts, RR: 2 Posted (11 years 1 month 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 588 times:
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at at loss as to how you could possibly be cured." So, finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor
says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and just like that, he gets an erection!
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for"?
Saintsman From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 2065 posts, RR: 2 Reply 1, posted (11 years 1 month 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 541 times:
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the
baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long,
he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Saintsman From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 2065 posts, RR: 2 Reply 2, posted (11 years 1 month 3 weeks 14 hours ago) and read 536 times:
The man of 2002
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead....Long live the Man of 2002.
Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....
* If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down to a gym.
* Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.
* Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Saturday = Football. Let it be.
* Shopping is not a sport.
* Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
* Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
* Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
* Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
* 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
* Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
* Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
* It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
* Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
* The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
* If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
* When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
* If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
* Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
* If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
*A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager.
* Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category
* Do not question our sense of direction.
If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level
based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court!!!!!!!!!!