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Yet Another Joke Thread  
User currently offlinePhoenix9 From Canada, joined Aug 2007, 2546 posts, RR: 8
Posted (4 years 10 months 2 weeks 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 13100 times:

One day a man returns home from work to find his wife in bed with another man with his head between her breasts. He cries, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" The young man replied, "Listening to music." The husband pushes the man aside and puts his head between her breast and listens. "I don't hear any music!" says the husband. To which the man replies, "Your not plugged in."

--------------


Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
100 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineForce13 From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 229 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (4 years 10 months 2 weeks 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 13097 times:

So an Irish guy walks out of a bar........

 Big grin Yeah, I know. Corny, stupid and offensive to our Irish friends but hey, I'm of Irish decent so HA!



Do not taunt. Do not shake. Do not pander. Add coffee. Subject should be slightly human within an hour.
User currently offlineLHR380 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 2, posted (4 years 10 months 2 weeks 1 day 22 hours ago) and read 13081 times:

Lady loves Tofu so much she wants it on her License Plate, so she goes to the DMV to pay the fee to get it, however they refuse it.

ILVTOFU

(True story)


User currently offlineFatmirJusufi From Albania, joined Jan 2009, 2441 posts, RR: 7
Reply 3, posted (4 years 10 months 2 weeks 1 day 21 hours ago) and read 13072 times:

A bunch of Psychiatrist/Psychologist/Schizophrenic jokes

--------------------

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?

--------------------

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

--------------------

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

--------------------

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

--------------------

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello."
The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."

--------------------

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.
The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!"
The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

--------------------

Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.

--------------------

What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You're never alone.

--------------------

What's the worst thing about schizophrenia?
Paying more than once for everything.

--------------------

A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity
problem..... So do I."

--------------------

Statistically every 2 in 1 people are schizophrenic.

--------------------

Yesterday, the doctor said: "You have Schizophrenia."
Obviously, we were shocked.

--------------------

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

--------------------

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

--------------------

Man alone in Psychiatrist waiting room.......
"What are you here for?"
"I'm a schizophrenic"
"So am I , that makes four of us!"

--------------------



DO FLIGHTS. NOT FIGHTS.
User currently offlineGolfradio From Canada, joined Jun 2009, 748 posts, RR: 2
Reply 4, posted (4 years 10 months 2 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 13052 times:

A dyslexic walks into a bra ...

User currently offlineMBMBOS From United States of America, joined May 2000, 2597 posts, RR: 1
Reply 5, posted (4 years 10 months 2 weeks 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 13048 times:



Quoting Golfradio (Reply 4):
A dyslexic walks into a bra ...

What do you get when you have a dyslexic who is agnostic and suffers from insomnia?

A guy who stays awake all night wondering about the existence of Dog.


User currently offlineYVRLTN From Canada, joined Oct 2006, 2444 posts, RR: 0
Reply 6, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 12902 times:

Three guys are standing at the bar wanking. "What are you doing???!!" asks the bar girl. They point to a sign on the wall behind her - first come first served.


Follow me on twitter for YVR movements @vernonYVR
User currently offlineWrenchBender From Canada, joined Feb 2004, 1779 posts, RR: 9
Reply 7, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 12894 times:

FOR SALE GREAT PRICE ALMOST A GIVE AWAY !!!!!

AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
Cabinet for Sale - details below

Features

Fine timber details
4 leadlight options
4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
Halogen down lights
Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom.
To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:

Rugby League World Cup
Rugby Union World Cup
International Rules Trophy
Tri Nations Trophy
Super-12 Trophy
Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
Davis Cup
Hockey World Championship Trophy
Various Cricket Trophy's
Ashes
Bledisloe Cup.
2008-2009 SA / Aust Cricket Tests
2009 SA/Australia One Day Series
All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.

To make an offer call R Stuart, R Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"

They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT


WrenchBender



Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
User currently offlineWrenchBender From Canada, joined Feb 2004, 1779 posts, RR: 9
Reply 8, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 12892 times:

Apple Computer announced today a new product:

A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
--------
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
--------
One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman.

With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Halo' said the Scotsman, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scottish whiskey' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the Gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly fantastic...!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed... 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!


WrenchBender



Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
User currently offlineKAUST From United States of America, joined Jun 2009, 95 posts, RR: 25
Reply 9, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 6 days 6 hours ago) and read 12865 times:

I know it is a joke thread, but I myself am Schizophrenic, and like ALL Schizophrenics, I have only one personality. And yes I am offended by this, we have seen far too much of this crap as it is. Thanks for spreading it. Sheesh.  Yeah sure


"Houston, this is Apollo 8. We are now in Lunar orbit."
User currently offlineFerengi80 From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2007, 687 posts, RR: 0
Reply 10, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 6 days 1 hour ago) and read 12796 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Mother Superior wa talking to the rest of the nuns. "We have a case of Chalmydia in the convent."

One elderly Nun at the back replies "I hope it's better than the Chardonnay we had last week."

-------------

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves claimed they weren't Happy.

------------

The three dolls in a man's life:
1. His daughter - "Baby Doll"
2. His mistress - "Barbie Doll"
3. His Wife - "Panadol"



AF1981 LHR-CDG A380-800 10 July 2010 / AF1980 CDG-LHR A380-800 11 July 2010
User currently offline757GB From Uruguay, joined Feb 2009, 676 posts, RR: 1
Reply 11, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 12745 times:



Quoting KAUST (Reply 9):

For what it's worth, I think there are plenty of jokes/humor out there that can be posted without having to offend someone somewhere. I'm sure people can do better than what's posted here.



God is The Alpha and The Omega. We come from God. We go towards God. What an Amazing Journey...
User currently offlineFatmirJusufi From Albania, joined Jan 2009, 2441 posts, RR: 7
Reply 12, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 12739 times:



Quoting KAUST (Reply 9):
I know it is a joke thread, but I myself am Schizophrenic, and like ALL Schizophrenics, I have only one personality. And yes I am offended by this, we have seen far too much of this crap as it is. Thanks for spreading it. Sheesh.

Sorry, Kaust if I've offended you or anyone else!
Feel free reporting to mods and deleting them.

Kind regards,
Fatmir



DO FLIGHTS. NOT FIGHTS.
User currently offlineSOBHI51 From Saudi Arabia, joined Jun 2003, 3416 posts, RR: 17
Reply 13, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 3 days 22 hours ago) and read 12601 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Received this one from an American friend. I will erase names so i do not get into big problems.


Why our country is in trouble

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a xxxxxx Congresswoman (xxxxxxxx) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a xxxxx Congressman's (xxxx) staffer (xxxxxx), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa "
his response -- click.

3. A senior xxxxxx Congressman (xxxxxxx) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (xxxxxxx) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member ( xxxxxx) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An xxxxx Congresswoman (xxxxxx) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A xxxxxx lawmaker, (xxxxxx) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator xxxx aide (xxxxxx) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, xxxxx from xxx who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator xxxxxxxx
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. xxxxxxxx. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A xxxxxx Congressman (xxxxxx) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around



I am against any terrorist acts committed under the name of Islam
User currently offlineSAflyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 14, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 3 days 22 hours ago) and read 12596 times:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
He sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
Funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
Kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
First, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
You might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


User currently offlineForce13 From United States of America, joined Jun 2005, 229 posts, RR: 0
Reply 15, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 3 days 20 hours ago) and read 12553 times:

A man is driving down the highway when he see's a sign.

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parki ng lot is a stone building with a small sign next to th e
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'


He puts $100 in the cu p, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN F**KED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER



Do not taunt. Do not shake. Do not pander. Add coffee. Subject should be slightly human within an hour.
User currently offlineLHR380 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 16, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 12507 times:



Quoting SOBHI51 (Reply 13):

No one would get in trouble, thats an old joke just reworked from calls made to travel agents.


User currently offline747438 From UK - England, joined Jan 2007, 837 posts, RR: 5
Reply 17, posted (4 years 10 months 1 week 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 12509 times:

How come, when your wife is pregnant, all her friends rub her tummy and say congratulations, but none of them rub your cock and say well done !

User currently offlinePhoenix9 From Canada, joined Aug 2007, 2546 posts, RR: 8
Reply 18, posted (4 years 10 months 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 12264 times:

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.



Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
User currently offlineWrenchBender From Canada, joined Feb 2004, 1779 posts, RR: 9
Reply 19, posted (4 years 10 months 5 days 16 hours ago) and read 12184 times:

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Tom.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Barb. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Barb to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Barb.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Tom

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Tom died suddenly on Septemebr 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Barb was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Tom, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

---------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished,and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of b oth Prozic and Val u m scriptins, the res s of the Chesescke an a box a choclits. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel l . , [eas sen dis on to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr PISS .........


WrenchBender



Silly Pilot, Tricks are for kids.......
User currently offlineFLY2HMO From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (4 years 10 months 5 days 15 hours ago) and read 12154 times:



Quoting KAUST (Reply 9):
I know it is a joke thread, but I myself am Schizophrenic, and like ALL Schizophrenics, I have only one personality. And yes I am offended by this, we have seen far too much of this crap as it is. Thanks for spreading it. Sheesh. Yeah sure



Quoting 757GB (Reply 11):

For what it's worth, I think there are plenty of jokes/humor out there that can be posted without having to offend someone somewhere. I'm sure people can do better than what's posted here.



Quoting YVRtoYYZ (Reply 19):
Which one of you is speaking?

Ouch!!!  eyepopping   rotfl 


User currently offline757GB From Uruguay, joined Feb 2009, 676 posts, RR: 1
Reply 21, posted (4 years 10 months 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 12046 times:



Quoting FLY2HMO (Reply 20):

Good to see you smiling...



God is The Alpha and The Omega. We come from God. We go towards God. What an Amazing Journey...
User currently offlinePhoenix9 From Canada, joined Aug 2007, 2546 posts, RR: 8
Reply 22, posted (4 years 10 months 4 days 15 hours ago) and read 11977 times:

Four Catholic men and an atheist were having coffee.

And, this is how the conversation went:

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Holiness'.

Since the atheist was sipping his coffee in silence, the four men give him a subtle, 'Well...?'

He replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, pretty, tall and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, ....... 'OH, GOD' !!



Life only makes sense when you look at it backwards.
User currently offlineElite From Hong Kong, joined Jun 2006, 2793 posts, RR: 10
Reply 23, posted (4 years 10 months 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 11891 times:



Quoting Phoenix9 (Reply 22):

That's a good one! haha.


User currently offlineSNA752 From United States of America, joined Sep 2007, 127 posts, RR: 0
Reply 24, posted (4 years 10 months 3 days 17 hours ago) and read 11832 times:

I dont know if this is the right place to post this, but AF announced a fleet-wide aircraft exterior cleaning programme today.

 duck   duck   stirthepot 



Dare to think different.
25 LH459 : A man dies and goes to heaven. Upon his arrival, he notices there is a mysterious door which is never open. After a few days St. Peter comes by to see
26 FlyDeltaJets87 : After a long life, Peyton Manning dies a peaceful death and goes to heaven. Once he gets to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter who shows him to
27 YYZflyer : A baby seal walks into a club......
28 Phoenix9 : A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...seems she can't get them to turn red. She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the
29 Post contains images Airport : There once was an Eskimo who, while fishing around the Aelutian Islands in his kayak, shivered for the cold. Too impatient to wait to get back to shor
30 Phoenix9 : A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." What's that mean? asked
31 Post contains images Matt727 :
32 Post contains images Phoenix9 :
33 IAirAllie : Um you are pretty gullible if you believe these things were actually said by US lawmakers. This joke has been around for ever the lawmaker twist is n
34 OA260 : BRITISH SURVEY A recent survey in the United Kingdom asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now? Answer: 38% said
35 MIAspotter : ROLFMAO!! MIAspotter
36 FatmirJusufi : معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شنط = World Security Institute BOIS! Bags using google translate ofc
37 OA260 : Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.Just befo
38 T1210s : On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middl
39 Aero145 : Ouch, sounds like the NPD and Neo-Nazis here in Germany.
40 Post contains links and images OA260 : This was actually sent to me by one of my Pakistani Muslim friends !!
41 Post contains images Phoenix9 :
42 LH459 : That joke actually originated in Latin America. I first heard it in Spanish. Seems you took the punch-line out of context?
43 SAflyer : The Funeral Procession A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
44 Post contains links and images SAflyer :
45 Phoenix9 : A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your ca
46 Aero145 : Well I never said it originated from the neo-Nazis, this ist just an attitude many neo-Nazis have. If I took the punch-line out of context, it would
47 Post contains images SAflyer : Australian rugby scrum practice.
48 GDB : Two rednecks getting divorced, final hearing at the courts. As the judge finally declares the divorce valid in law, the wife, Charlene, starts bawling
49 Phoenix9 : Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China. They go wit
50 Signol : It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived a
51 OA260 : Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guil
52 Phoenix9 : A middle-aged couple, Joanne and Bob, moved to Texas. Bob had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so, seeing some on sale, he bought them a
53 Phoenix9 : A deer is on the runway... so... Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. Student: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you s
54 Post contains links and images FLY2HMO : Lots of good gems here Found this, sounds retarded at first but I busted up in the end:
55 WildcatYXU : Bullshit. It ha nothing to do with neo-nazis. The sad part is that it's not even a joke. Pure truth. Believe me. I've experienced it first hand.
56 ElBandGeek : My friend from back in high school band told me this the other day. 3 guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says to them they need to tell him how much
57 Phoenix9 : A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
58 Post contains links and images FLY2HMO : This is soooo wrong
59 Phoenix9 : A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
60 YVRLTN : Hmm, to post this before or after this weekend...... Ontario Judge makes unprecedented ruling Another case of truth being stranger than fiction... TOR
61 Phoenix9 : A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill
62 Post contains images Phoenix9 :
63 Phoenix9 : A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top
64 WrenchBender : Can't be original anymore Phoenix9 ? WrenchBender
65 Post contains images Phoenix9 : Oops! Sorry...didn't see that it was already posted. I've edited my post   ...and here's another: A couple had only been married for two weeks. The
66 Aero145 : You start with saying what I said was bullshit and then you say that I should believe you that you experienced it first hand. .....right.....
67 WrenchBender : There I fixed it for you WrenchBender
68 WildcatYXU : OK, I'll explain it just for you. The neo-nazi comment is bullshit. And there is is indeed a huge difference between tourism and immigration, so the
69 Post contains images FLY2HMO :
70 WildcatYXU :
71 YVRLTN : What do you get if you cross GPS with PMS?? A crazy bitch who will find you!
72 Phoenix9 : One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time,
73 Acjflyer : I will have you all know that you have entertained my co-workers and I for the past hour or so. There are numerous of us that are laughing so hard tha
74 Phoenix9 : A guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are you wearing your belt around your knee? Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my
75 SOBHI51 : Country Preacher An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like ma
76 Sbworcs : The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the in
77 ThegreatRDU : A guy visits his doctor....the doctor runs some tests on him.....the doctor calls his patient..and tells him "I have some bad news"...."what?" says th
78 SOBHI51 : Some blonde jokes Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm. Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? A. She sold
79 Helvknight : An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
80 Helvknight : EXTRA HOT CHILLI ! I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
81 Phoenix9 : A young boy went to his father and asked, "what's the difference between "potentially and realistically." The father answered,"Go ask your mother if s
82 WrenchBender : A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him? 'T
83 Don81603 : His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine pla
84 YVRLTN : Two hot blond lesbians moved in next door, and naturally we made friends. I was however surprised when they presented me with an expensive Rolex for m
85 Alias1024 : This has been posted on other aviation forums before. Supposedly it is an actual irregularity report written by a captain at Great Lakes for a gate re
86 WrenchBender : Don't know whether to put these in thew Tiger thread or here..... - Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a
87 Aaron747 : One of my old favorites: Guy goes into a bar and notices a sign: PASS OUR THREE CHALLENGES AND WIN A YEAR OF FREE BEER! Excited at the prospect, and a
88 787seattle : Here's some blonde jokes: Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tr
89 Post contains images SAflyer :
90 747438 : British troops have started wearing their Kevlar body armour back-to-front after it was announced 9000 US Marines are on their way to Helmand Province
91 Phoenix9 : An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is goin
92 787seattle : This is kind of lame, but: There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
93 ELAL 744 : As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, w
94 787seattle : A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string lef
95 Post contains links and images FLY2HMO :
96 Phoenix9 : I better put on my flamesuit and a bullet-proof jacket Here it goes: Question. Why did God give men penises? Answer. So they’d always have at least
97 Don81603 : A woman walks into a bar... hey, wait a minute... Why is she out of the kitchen?? The best part of oral sex is...? 5 minutes of silence... Proof God i
98 Helvknight : Michael Jackson arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter doesn't recognise him so he asks, "What exactly did you do on earth?" "I dressed up in funny clo
99 Post contains links and images FLY2HMO :
100 Don81603 : How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. -------------------------------------------- --------------- W
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