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Adopting A Child.  
User currently offlineCaptaink From Mexico, joined May 2001, 5109 posts, RR: 12
Posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 13 hours ago) and read 1549 times:

My gf and I have been seriously considering adopting a child, as we plan to elope soon. Has anyone else done this? Or have you thought of it. There seems to be so many kids out there without parents, and something in me these days is calling me to do this..

Any input is appreciated from people who have taken this step or are planning to do so.


There is something special about planes....
16 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineFuturePilot16 From United States of America, joined Mar 2007, 2035 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 13 hours ago) and read 1531 times:



Quoting Captaink (Thread starter):
My gf and I have been seriously considering adopting a child, as we plan to elope soon. Has anyone else done this? Or have you thought of it. There seems to be so many kids out there without parents, and something in me these days is calling me to do this..

Any input is appreciated from people who have taken this step or are planning to do so.

I've never adopted, but if you are seriously considering adopting, might I suggest looking into Haiti? There are so many Orphans around the world, but when you have situation where the orphanages are destroyed, and the people who take care of these orphans have to go because they have to look after their own family, it makes it so so much worst. So a lot of these orphans started off with no parents, now they have no home and no one to take care of them either. Breaks your heart!



"The brave don't live forever, but the cautious don't live at all."
User currently offlineCaptaink From Mexico, joined May 2001, 5109 posts, RR: 12
Reply 2, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 12 hours ago) and read 1505 times:



Quoting FuturePilot16 (Reply 1):
So a lot of these orphans started off with no parents, now they have no home and no one to take care of them either. Breaks your heart!

It was one of the factors that got me thinking even harder today...



There is something special about planes....
User currently offlineN229NW From United States of America, joined Sep 2004, 1952 posts, RR: 32
Reply 3, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 4 days 3 hours ago) and read 1457 times:

My wife and I adopted our two wonderful children. It is an amazing experience and way to start a family, but a decision you shouldn't go into blind. There's a lot of reading and thinking you should do first (and later too!) to make sure it is right for you and that you are ready for some situations and challenges that will come up. Feel free to PM me, though I might not be online too much these days...


It's people like you what cause unrest!
User currently offlineHAWK21M From India, joined Jan 2001, 31684 posts, RR: 56
Reply 4, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 23 hours ago) and read 1422 times:

A Good choice,however,,,,,,Its Important to settle down between you two,before taking on additional responsibility.
regds
MEL.



Think of the brighter side!
User currently offlineSmithAir747 From Canada, joined Jan 2004, 1628 posts, RR: 28
Reply 5, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 21 hours ago) and read 1411 times:

Speaking from the perspective of an adopted child, myself...

In many cases, adoption can be the best thing for a child. In my own life, I was virtually "orphaned"--in that my original parents could not handle the medical complications I was born with (craniofacial deformities), so they decided to give me up for adoption at birth. I was adopted 3 years later by a wonderful family, who had adopted ~10 other children before. These parents had a lifetime of experience with "special needs" children--medical conditions, psychological conditions, cleft palates, you name it.

Of course, my adopted parents did a lot of reading up on me from the time they knew about me (shortly after my birth), and a lot of soul-searching, and especially, praying nonstop. Back then, there were large books (similar to real estate catalogues) with a page or two describing each child; the pages would be changed when they needed updating. I was in a "catalogue" so to speak!  Wink What triggered their decision to adopt me in 1977 or 1978 was an opportunity my new mom had to speak at a seminar for foster and adoptive parents; at the end of her talk, the organiser came up to her and told her that she would have a new child--it was me! My new mom went home and talked with Dad and the rest of the large family (also adopted); the whole family unanimously decided to take me in!

That's how I joined my "Forever Family". In my own case, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

So, it does take LOTS of reading, soul searching, and praying (if you so believe) before you can decide if you're up to adopting a child.

SmithAir747



I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made... (Psalm 139:14)
User currently offlineSwissy From Switzerland, joined Jan 2005, 1734 posts, RR: 4
Reply 6, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 15 hours ago) and read 1381 times:

Yes we have... 3 of them, locally, they all have the same mother and the fathers are unknown..

We could have our own flesh and blood but it never crossed our minds, we always spoke about adopting if we want kids... have 2 girls and little "stinker"...

There are way to many kids out there without LOVE/ home/future/security/safe place.... I could not imagine being without them, treasure every second I spend with them.... but be prepared for pretty much everything  Big grin... kids are priceless

We contacted childrens aid locally, we had to study and join classes for about a year but it was not wasted time.... you have to realize that a lot of these kids do have "handicaps" because of their birth parents.... but you can set the limits of what you are able to handle.... same with age/sex... we did not care if they are F/M... and my younger daughter has a speech delay and problems with her coordination (left side)... little stinker had a flat scull at the back because they left him in the crib all the time.... today his as good looking as his forever daddy  Wink and my princess is on her way to full recovery....

There is a ton of stuff out there, read, talk & think about it of what you truly can handle.... the rewards are so great.... even after 5 years I have not found the right words for it...

Cheerios,


User currently offlineCaptaink From Mexico, joined May 2001, 5109 posts, RR: 12
Reply 7, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 15 hours ago) and read 1374 times:



Quoting Swissy (Reply 6):

There is a ton of stuff out there, read, talk & think about it of what you truly can handle.... the rewards are so great.... even after 5 years I have not found the right words for it...

Thanks for that experience. The choice is becoming even clearer. We want kids but because of other issues, having kids of our may present an unnecessary challenge. And yeah the basis of my desire is the fact that are so many children out that need a family.



There is something special about planes....
User currently offlineKiwiinoz From New Zealand, joined Oct 2005, 2165 posts, RR: 5
Reply 8, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 14 hours ago) and read 1369 times:



Quoting Captaink (Reply 7):
And yeah the basis of my desire is the fact that are so many children out that need a family.

I guess the basis should start with you wanting a family first. Starting a family purely for humanitarian reasons is probably the wrong motivation. However, once you decide you want a family, that's when you should consider this impact.

My wife and I discuss this often, and have even started to go down this path once, (in China). However, even though we know plenty of adopted people that are in fantastic, loving, wonderful families, we were never quite sure about how we would feel about an adopted child compared to one of our own biological children.

We continue to think and discuss and I do believe we will eventually find the right space in our heads to go ahead.

Good luck. Either way, starting a family is a wonderful thing. Gives life perspective and purpose and I wish you all the best!


User currently offlineRFields5421 From United States of America, joined Jul 2007, 7607 posts, RR: 32
Reply 9, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 14 hours ago) and read 1364 times:



Quoting Captaink (Thread starter):
My gf and I have been seriously considering adopting a child, as we plan to elope soon

Adoption is a wonderful thing, both for the child and for the new parents.

However, I would recommend the two of you spend at least a year living together as a married couple first. Establish your home, your work schedules, your priorities - then bring in a child.

Even if you have been together for years, getting married is different and is hard.

A child does not need to be subjected to a couple setting their boundaries and working out the issues of the start of a marriage.


User currently offlineSwissy From Switzerland, joined Jan 2005, 1734 posts, RR: 4
Reply 10, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 2 hours ago) and read 1321 times:

I am married for 15 years and have now kids for 5/3 years now... still have issues with the wife and the wife with me  Wink, but I agree the more balanced & set you are the better... we were building all the time (until 2004) and had a mortgage until then... all paid up since 2004, no more constructions/building... so we could focus 110% on the 2 girls we got first (little stinker was still not born).... your routine will be all over the place and it was hard to stay on track and sometimes a lot of tears, in our case we asked for toddlers not babies and the older one was old enough to realize what is happening to her but for some unknown reason I bonded with her from the time I met her for the first time... it took a longer time with my wife, she bonded with our younger daughter within seconds  Smile and I was left out for about 6 months...

During the classes we had a few single females looking to adopt and they did without any problems... despite they had to worked full time ... What we have to understand is kids adapt a lot faster then we do, they move on while we still feel terrible for what happen to them, it is us making things more complicated then they should be because we cannot let go of the past...
but the 3 most important things for them is LOVE LOVE LOVE and always give plenty of that.... and stay away from spoiling them with excessive amounts of gifts/toys or they start to think gifts/toys = LOVE, just remember the big 3 L's and hugs  Smile

Have lots more


User currently offlineCaptaink From Mexico, joined May 2001, 5109 posts, RR: 12
Reply 11, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 3 days 1 hour ago) and read 1311 times:



Quoting RFields5421 (Reply 9):
However, I would recommend the two of you spend at least a year living together as a married couple first. Establish your home, your work schedules, your priorities - then bring in a child.

Even if you have been together for years, getting married is different and is hard.

A child does not need to be subjected to a couple setting their boundaries and working out the issues of the start of a marriage.

Good point.



There is something special about planes....
User currently offlineGDB From United Kingdom, joined May 2001, 13211 posts, RR: 77
Reply 12, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1253 times:

To offer a safe home for a child, for whatever reason they need it, is a wonderful thing to do.

Before technologies such as IVF improved the chances for those with fertility problems, for many adoption was the only option.
It's still a great thing to do if all else fails or for those who just want to do it.

It has to said that my own country has a less than stellar record of care for children with no home, so I judge myself blessed than a married couple, who after years of trying for children, adopted an abandoned child when she was 6 weeks old.
The mother immediately bonded with the infant, she recalls her fear, groundless but understandable, that a reason would be found by the social services to take her back in the early days, with frequent visits after she was taken to her new and permanent home.
That never remotely arose, so after a few years, a brother was sought for the little girl.

That would be me.
Again, at 6 weeks, again for whatever reason, my natural mother could not keep me.
A small baby, with an unusually thick head of hair, who cried more than most too.
( They often sense insecurity said one of the carers).
So mother chose me.
She was also touched that the natural mother had tried to provide some basic items, such as blankets, clothing, in contrast to the institutional items others had.

I've never considered anything but my adoptive family as my own.
I've also never considered, despite the real curiosity, once grown up, trying to contact my birth mother.
As far as I'm aware, neither has my sister.
Because I have a family, a real one, from 6 weeks old it's as real as any other.


User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 19734 posts, RR: 59
Reply 13, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 20 hours ago) and read 1248 times:



Quoting Captaink (Thread starter):


Any input is appreciated from people who have taken this step or are planning to do so.

My advice: start with a dog. I'm serious. A dog is a lot like a little kid. You need to keep track of feeding, peeing, pooping, behavior issues, etc. You can use this to gauge how well you communicate with each-other over care of a helpless individual for whom you are responsible.

If you can handle a dog well, then you can advance to a kid (which is a touch more complicated than a dog  Wink ).

The other advantage of getting a dog first is that children who were raised around dogs before 12 months of age have a decreased incidence of asthma.  Smile


User currently offlineUps707 From United States of America, joined Sep 2004, 360 posts, RR: 0
Reply 14, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1237 times:



Quoting DocLightning (Reply 13):
The other advantage of getting a dog first is that children who were raised around dogs before 12 months of age have a decreased incidence of asthma. Smile

Now if I could just get that idea through my Mom's head... Even though both of my kids have been raised around dogs and cats and are perfectly fine (despite a family history of asthma), she keeps telling me they're not good for them. Oh well... Mom's have to get their thoughts out I guess.

As far as the original topic goes, I've been through both ends of it and have nothing but positive things to say about it. I was adopted when I was 4 weeks old as my Bparents felt they were too young to take care of a kid (that and they had already split up). I have never thought of my parents as anything other than that. It's not about who conceived you and gave birth, it's about who provided for you and supported you through all of the years. It is easy to be a father/mother... not so easy to be a Dad/Mom. I have to admit, I had been curious about who my Bparents were, and actually managed to track them down (BMom about 5 years ago, BDad last year), but haven't met either yet. For me though, it was more about possible siblings than them, since I was raised as an only child.

The twist that came 34 years later is that my wife and I found ourselves not able to have kids without significant medical help which we were not willing to go through when there are many children out there that need loving homes. We adopted my son almost 5 years ago, and my daughter almost 3 years ago. Both were from birth, and we were present at the birth (in the hospital at least). I don't feel any less towards my kids because they aren't "mine", and don't regret for a minute having pursued the path we did. If this is what you want to do, then don't hesitate for a second..... as long as you are ready. As the good Doc says, make sure you are ready for that commitment before you pursue it. We were married for 7 years before we went for it so that we had some time together before tying ourselves up with kids. They occupy alot of your time, and at this point, we are happy if we get 1 dinner out together in a month.... but it is all worth it. We'll have plenty of time to be alone together when they get older and move on to their own things.

As far as adopting from overseas, we weighed that up, but decided against it. There are many children in our own country that need to be part of a family, so don't get fooled in to thinking that is a problem that only exists in other countries. Yes, the conditions in those other countries in alot of cases is worse, but that doesn't necessarily have to be part of your decision. We chose to adopt within the US to do our "part" at home. Another factor was that later on in life if our kids get curious about their Birth family, we have those answers and have access to the people behind those answers if they want to meet later on in life.

Feel free to hit me up via PM if you have any questions you don't want to tackle in this thread.


User currently offlineGeorgetown From United States of America, joined Dec 2005, 239 posts, RR: 1
Reply 15, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 1 day 19 hours ago) and read 1232 times:
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Captaink-

I really do think your heart is in the right place here - here's some things to think about. First - here's my story: My mother and father had me naturally, and then adopted my sister when I was seven years old. They found her birth mother through an adoption attorney, and were paired with her a few months before she delivered my sister. The birth mother was a 13 year old from Tampa Bay without much of a support system, but virtually her entire life ahead of her. Luckily for my family, she was mature enough at that young age to realize that she wasn't in the right circumstance to care for a child at that time. My sister and I got very lucky in that we both grew up in an incredibly loving home with parents who are to this day not just spouses, but best friends as well. They were always very honest and open with her about being adopted, but never brought it up unless she wanted to talk about it. Needless to say, it was never an issue for her, and it's as if my mom and dad had her naturally. She's my little sis - that's all. Now I'm perfectly aware that we all got delt a very sweet hand - it's all very Norman Rockwell and such - and life isn't like that 90% of the time. Here's just some thoughts for you that I've gleaned from my experience.

-Make sure you and your bride to be (Congrats, by the way) are settled into your own married life. I am not married myself, but many of my friends are, and the one thing they all comment on is what a large adjustment it is - even those that have been living together for a long time. Make sure you and your wife are comfortable enough to make a great team. While relationships are always evolving, make sure that it is strong and "well-oiled" enough that your new kid can be the priority most of the time. My guess is that it's gotta be pretty difficult to concentrate on raising a child while trying to adjust or deal with a new or tumultuous relationship.

I am not trying to be judgmental at all, as everyone is in a different situation (and I know nothing about yours) but the fact that you're "eloping" suggests a degree of turbulence. None of my business and I could be way off base - but it is something to think about

Finally - if your planning on adopting from another country, that's fantastic and will add an entirely different dimension to your experience than the one my sister and I had. Just make sure that the chicken comes before the egg, so to speak. Don't adopt with humanitarian concern as your primary impetus. It can certainly be a contributing factor, but the main impetus should be that your soon to be bride and you are ready to take on what will likely be the biggest challenge of your lives. Adopting a child into an uncertain situation has a lot of potential to be very unfair to the child.


In the end make sure that the circumstances your are in when you adopt are circumstances you would want to be adopted into.

Best of luck to you!



Let's go Hoyas!
User currently offlineCaptaink From Mexico, joined May 2001, 5109 posts, RR: 12
Reply 16, posted (4 years 8 months 1 week 1 day ago) and read 1179 times:



Quoting DocLightning (Reply 13):

My advice: start with a dog. I'm serious. A dog is a lot like a little kid. You need to keep track of feeding, peeing, pooping, behavior issues, etc. You can use this to gauge how well you communicate with each-other over care of a helpless individual for whom you are responsible.

HAHA, been there done that. I think I have had a at least one dog, since I was a preteen. I am quite the dog lover.

Quoting Georgetown (Reply 15):

I am not trying to be judgmental at all, as everyone is in a different situation (and I know nothing about yours) but the fact that you're "eloping" suggests a degree of turbulence. None of my business and I could be way off base - but it is something to think about

It was a poor choice of words. We are getting married. We don't plan to a have traditional church wedding. We plan to have a very romantic affair that is centred around us two. We are very stable, our relationship is very great, and we really want to spend the rest of our life together. So I think that part of the equation for now is well taken care of. Thanks for the other advice though.



There is something special about planes....
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