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Friday Jokes...  
User currently offlineDavid_itl From United Kingdom, joined Jun 2001, 7380 posts, RR: 14
Posted (12 years 5 months 4 days 1 hour ago) and read 892 times:

With nothing better to do in work, the weekend starts here! Just been sent these "jokes":

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.......he was pulled in by a strong currant.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week....and pulled a mussel.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."

Answer phone message: "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

David/MAN


11 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offlineRyanb741 From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 3221 posts, RR: 15
Reply 1, posted (12 years 5 months 4 days 1 hour ago) and read 856 times:

Wow! Somebody must have had a load of Xmas crackers left over and decided to open them today! Big grin


I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
User currently offline9V-SVE From Singapore, joined Nov 2001, 2066 posts, RR: 2
Reply 2, posted (12 years 5 months 4 days 1 hour ago) and read 855 times:

An old lady on a Sunday keeps walking in and out her house every couple minutes to check her mailbox. When her neighbors told her that there is no mail on Sundays, she answered, "But my computer says, I've got mail!"

User currently offlineSaintsman From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 2065 posts, RR: 2
Reply 3, posted (12 years 5 months 4 days 1 hour ago) and read 850 times:

Did you hear about the man who put a condom on backwards...... and went?

User currently offlineViveAF From United Kingdom, joined Jul 2001, 198 posts, RR: 8
Reply 4, posted (12 years 5 months 3 days 4 hours ago) and read 811 times:

OK...

What`s the difference between a Camera and a Sock ?

A camera takes fotos - a sock takes fivetoes !

Got that one from Century 105.4FM - they`re running a GBP10,000 joke competition... and that one won`t win !

Cheers.


User currently offlineBNE From Australia, joined Mar 2000, 3185 posts, RR: 12
Reply 5, posted (12 years 5 months 3 days 1 hour ago) and read 802 times:

Heres one I read about a few days ago,

Someone waiting for a flight heard a name being called over the loud speaker with the announcement, "We have found your hearing aid you can pick it up from the customer service centre."





Why fly non stop when you can connect
User currently offlineArsenal@LHR From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2001, 7792 posts, RR: 20
Reply 6, posted (12 years 5 months 3 days ago) and read 797 times:
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LOL! They were funny, here's mine:

Why did Captain Picard go into the ladies toilets?


Answer: Because he wanted to go where no man has been before! Big grin

Arsenal@LHR



In Arsene we trust!!
User currently offlineVonRichtofen From Canada, joined Nov 2000, 4627 posts, RR: 36
Reply 7, posted (12 years 5 months 3 days ago) and read 793 times:

"All passengers requiring wheelchairs, please remain in your seats"


Word
User currently offlineVickybiccy From United Kingdom, joined Apr 2002, 212 posts, RR: 2
Reply 8, posted (12 years 5 months 2 days 20 hours ago) and read 783 times:

very funny!

I ama HUGE fan of bad jokes... here are a few of mine!

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla!

A polo sweet is having a drink in a pub with a jelly baby. The jelly baby had to buy all the polo's drinks as the polo said he was the hardest sweet. Suddenly the swing doors to the pub were flung open and in walked a Tune. The polo made a quick exit to the loo and hid while the Tune looked around the bar and then walked out. Once he had gone the polo returned to the bar. 'Why did you hide?' asked the jelly baby 'I thought you were the hardest sweet?' 'I am the hardest' said the polo,' but he's menthol

What's pink and hard? A: A pig with a flick knife.

What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler


User currently offlineRyanb741 From United Kingdom, joined Mar 2002, 3221 posts, RR: 15
Reply 9, posted (12 years 5 months 2 days 19 hours ago) and read 771 times:

LOL! Big grin Those are so bad they're hilarious!


I used to think the brain is the most fascinating part of my body. But, hey, who is telling me that?
User currently offlineJanne From Sweden, joined Sep 2001, 379 posts, RR: 0
Reply 10, posted (12 years 5 months 2 days 19 hours ago) and read 766 times:

Q: If, when the man sits down in front of a sporting event on TV with a can of beer, his wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging at him, WHAT has the man done wrong.

A: He has used too long a chain.

(I'm not a male chauvinist pig, I just think this is a funny joke)


User currently offlineVonRichtofen From Canada, joined Nov 2000, 4627 posts, RR: 36
Reply 11, posted (12 years 5 months 21 hours ago) and read 722 times:

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull?



A dog that bites your arm off and then runs for help.




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