David_itl From United Kingdom, joined Jun 2001, 7564 posts, RR: 13 Posted (12 years 11 months 2 hours ago) and read 953 times:
With nothing better to do in work, the weekend starts here! Just been sent these "jokes":
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.......he was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week....and pulled a mussel.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
Answer phone message: "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9V-SVE From Singapore, joined Nov 2001, 2066 posts, RR: 1
Reply 2, posted (12 years 11 months 2 hours ago) and read 916 times:
An old lady on a Sunday keeps walking in and out her house every couple minutes to check her mailbox. When her neighbors told her that there is no mail on Sundays, she answered, "But my computer says, I've got mail!"
Vickybiccy From United Kingdom, joined Apr 2002, 212 posts, RR: 2
Reply 8, posted (12 years 10 months 4 weeks 21 hours ago) and read 844 times:
I ama HUGE fan of bad jokes... here are a few of mine!
What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla!
A polo sweet is having a drink in a pub with a jelly baby. The jelly baby had to buy all the polo's drinks as the polo said he was the hardest sweet. Suddenly the swing doors to the pub were flung open and in walked a Tune. The polo made a quick exit to the loo and hid while the Tune looked around the bar and then walked out. Once he had gone the polo returned to the bar. 'Why did you hide?' asked the jelly baby 'I thought you were the hardest sweet?' 'I am the hardest' said the polo,' but he's menthol
What's pink and hard? A: A pig with a flick knife.