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Aviation Jokes  
User currently offlineUAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 10 hours ago) and read 5727 times:

So lets hear some. It's been a while for this type of thread:


1. An A380 pilot was bragging to a Boeing 747 pilot about how great his aircraft was and how wonderfully it flew. The Boeing pilot turned to the Airbus pilot with a smirk and said, "Well, at least my plane doesn't call me a retard every time I attempt to land it."

2. A child was seated with his mother on a Southwest Airlines flight at LAX. He noticed that other airlines had small planes and big planes. He asked his mother why, and she didn't have the answer, but suggested he ask the flight attendant. When the flight attendant came by, the child asked, "Why do other airlines have baby planes and big planes and Southwest only has big planes?" The flight attendant replied, "Because Southwest always pulls out on time."


Looking forward to hearing more!

UAL

26 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineFlight209 From United States of America, joined May 2006, 78 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 5691 times:

Here's a particular favorite of mine:

A US airline's crew overheard the following ATC exchange at MUC.

LH pilot (in German): "Ground, what's our start clearance time?"

MUC ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English."

LH pilot (in English): "I am a German pilot flying for a German airline in Germany! Why must I speak English?"

Unknown British person in a nearly aircraft (in English): "Because you lost the bloody war."



I may question your opinion, but I'll never question your right to it.
User currently offlineCadet985 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 1670 posts, RR: 4
Reply 2, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 5671 times:

I think the biggest joke in the aviation world right now is Spirit Airlines...

User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 20341 posts, RR: 59
Reply 3, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 5668 times:

Quoting Flight209 (Reply 1):

Nice one.

Related (and I'm going to butcher it)
It's 1952 and A BOAC flight has landed at MUC and it's obvious that they're a bit lost. Tower has had to redirect them two or three times.

Tower (in thick German accent): BOAC, have you ever been to Munich before?
BOAC: Many times, but we never landed.


User currently offlineCadet985 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 1670 posts, RR: 4
Reply 4, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 9 hours ago) and read 5654 times:

A 747 is halfway through a transatlantic run when they run into engine trouble. They radio in that they are continuing on 3 engines. A couple hours later, another engine fails. "We should be able to make it there on two engines," the pilot radios to LHR. Shortly after that, the third engine fails. By now, they're just a couple hundred miles out. About 50 miles before hitting land, the 4th engine fails. The pilot gets on the radio, "Okay guys, we now have all four engines failed. Do you have any suggestions?" After a couple minutes, a controller replies, "Repeat after me. Our Father who art in Heaven....."

EDIT: spelling

[Edited 2010-08-03 16:54:39]

User currently offlineUAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 5, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 5648 times:

Quoting Cadet985 (Reply 4):
After a ceouple minutes, a controller replies, "Repeat after me. Our Father who art in Heaven....."

Or perhaps they BA ops tells them to glide on in....all of this has been done before. 


User currently offlinefr8mech From United States of America, joined Sep 2005, 5657 posts, RR: 15
Reply 6, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 8 hours ago) and read 5637 times:

Some oldies:


What seperates flight attendants from the lowest form of life on earth?

The cockpit door.



What do you call a cockpit with an all female flight crew?

The box office.



How far can you go with multiple engine failures?

To the scene of the accident.



That's all for now. I'll be in the area all night.



When seconds count...the police are minutes away.
User currently offlineDreadnought From United States of America, joined Feb 2008, 8962 posts, RR: 24
Reply 7, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5613 times:

Not exactly a joke, but pretty funny...




Veni Vidi Castratavi Illegitimos
User currently offlineFlyDeltaJets87 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 8, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5585 times:

Q: How do you know there's a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you

Q: How do you know your date with a pilot is half-over
A: He says "Enough about me. Let's talk about my plane".

Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a jet-engine?
A: Jet engines stop whining when the flight is over


Why Airplanes Are Better Than Women:

You can ride in an airplane any time of month.

You can still ride a 50 year old airplane.

Airplanes don't care how many other airplanes you've been in before and won't get jealous if you ride in someone else's airplanes.

Airplanes don't get jealous if you look at other airplanes or at airplane magazines.

Airplanes can be turned on with the flick of a switch

Airplanes have strict weight & balance limits

Widebody airplanes are more attractive, and your friends won't make fun of you for riding one.

Mechanics can fix a broken airplane.

Airplanes have loud warning bells to tell you when somethings wrong and checklist to tell you how to fix it.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "Touch N' Go".

Aircraft allow thorough, pre-flight inspections which include looking at, feeling, and sometimes kicking key parts.

You can make an airplane stop whining.

You can install a hush kit on an airplane.



If I can think of more I'll add them later.


User currently offlineUltimateDelta From United States of America, joined Sep 2007, 2169 posts, RR: 6
Reply 9, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5580 times:

A woman goes to check in at an airport. She goes up to the lady at the counter and says: "I want you to sen done bag to Miami, one to Los Angeles, and one to Minneapolis." The ticket lady replies: "But we can't do that!" The passenger says back: "But you did last time!"

My apologies if you've all heard that one before. Deal with it  



Midwest Airlines- 1984-2010
User currently offlinewingman From Seychelles, joined May 1999, 2337 posts, RR: 5
Reply 10, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5572 times:

Here's a video joke that I'm sure has been around the block but I only saw it for the first time today...
http://www.theonion.com/video/guatem...recording-parrot-holds-clue,17785/


User currently offlineStarAC17 From Canada, joined Aug 2003, 3410 posts, RR: 9
Reply 11, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 7 hours ago) and read 5569 times:

Some conversations that I found on a 5 or so year old thread here.

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Control tower to a UA 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight.

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

This is good for a laugh, its standard maintenance practices at Qantas

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



Engineers Rule The World!!!!!
User currently offlinePyrex From Portugal, joined Aug 2005, 4063 posts, RR: 30
Reply 12, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 5522 times:

Quoting Dreadnought (Reply 7):
Not exactly a joke, but pretty funny...

Believe it or not, the Russians actually had a pod that they could install underneath a Su-25 they could use to carry mechanics to forward air strips. Not sure it ever got much use, though - not even the Russians are that crazy.

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 8):
Q: How do you know your date with a pilot is half-over
A: He says "Enough about me. Let's talk about my plane".

   best joke I've heard in a long while.



Read this very carefully, I shall write this only once!
User currently offlineczbbflier From Canada, joined Jul 2006, 980 posts, RR: 2
Reply 13, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 5505 times:

This one is quasi-aviation related:

* * *

Once upon a time, there was this flea sitting on the beach in Mexico, drinking mai-tais, soaking up the sun's rays and enjoying all the scenery he could handle.

Along came this second flea who was obviously cold. His antennae were frosted and he was seriously shivering.

-- "What happened?" asked the first. "How did you get here?"

-- "I- I- I- got on this guy's m-m-m-oustache who rode his m-m-motorbike all the way to M-M-Mexico."

-- "Well, you should do what I do," said the first. "See, when it starts to get chilly back home up North, I find a nice pretty flight attendant. I climb up into her panties where it's nice and warm and I fly down here to Mexico. When I get down here in Mexico, I jump out and voilà! Here I am, drinking mai-tais and enjoying myself!"

-- "Wow!! T-T-That's a-a-a g-great idea. I'll h-h-have to t-try that-t-t n-n-next year!"

So a whole year goes by and the next year finds our first flea, lying on the beach, drinking his mai-tais as usual, soaking up the sun, enjoying the scenery just as he did the previous year.

Along came the second flea and just like last year, he's next to death with hypothermia. He is almost frozen solid.

-- "What happened? I thought I told you what to do last year!", cried out the first flea.

-- "You d-d-did!" said the second. "I- I- found a n-n-nice p-p-pretty f-f-flight attendant and c-crawled up into her p-p-panties just like you told me to!"

-- "Well, then what happened?!"

-- "I w-w-was getting all warm and r-r-r-ready f-f-f-for the trip when all of a sudden the next thing I knew,
I- I- was on this guy's moustache, on a motorbike, on the way to Mexico!


User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 20341 posts, RR: 59
Reply 14, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 5489 times:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

If the world keeps spinning round and round and all you hear is commotion from the cabin, things are not going according to plan.

Stay out of clouds. That silver lining everyone keeps talking about might well be an oncoming plane. Also, mountains have been known to hide in clouds.

Mountain goats do not fly. Pilots will do well to remember this fact. Might come in useful one day.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling it back, in which case they get bigger again.

Try to keep the number of take-offs and landings you do relatively equal.

The three most useless things to a pilot:
1) The amount of sky above you
2) The amount of runway behind you
3) 1/10 second ago

The purpose of a propeller is to keep the pilot cool. Proof: if you stop the propeller, you can see the pilot start sweating.

Helicopters cannot fly. They are so ugly that the ground repels them.

ATC convo:
There is a 43-plane line up at LGA at 6:30 PM on a Tuesday (as is typical). A thunderstorm rolls through and all arrivals and departures are stopped. In the middle of it a pilot says over the radio "I'm f--king bored."
Tower: "Who was that!? Identify yourself immediately!"
Pilot: "I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid."


User currently onlineBMI727 From United States of America, joined Feb 2009, 15831 posts, RR: 27
Reply 15, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 5487 times:

Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 8):
Q: How do you know there's a pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BzU1sYPjzo



Why do Aerospace Engineering students have to turn things in on time?
User currently offlinepropilot83 From United States of America, joined Jan 2001, 604 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 1 hour ago) and read 5458 times:

Quoting Flight209 (Reply 1):
A child was seated with his mother on a Southwest Airlines flight at LAX. He noticed that other airlines had small planes and big planes. He asked his mother why, and she didn't have the answer, but suggested he ask the flight attendant. When the flight attendant came by, the child asked, "Why do other airlines have baby planes and big planes and Southwest only has big planes?" The flight attendant replied, "Because Southwest always pulls out on time."

Oh man!  


User currently offlineHAWK21M From India, joined Jan 2001, 31712 posts, RR: 56
Reply 17, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 5414 times:

Quoting StarAC17 (Reply 11):

Very Tempted to use those Rectification terms at work,but just can't  



Think of the brighter side!
User currently offlineconnies4ever From Canada, joined Feb 2006, 4066 posts, RR: 13
Reply 18, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 5388 times:

Surprised I haven't seen this yet:

What does ETOPS stand for ?

Engines Turning Or Passengers Swimming.



Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
User currently offlineCadet985 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 1670 posts, RR: 4
Reply 19, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 17 hours ago) and read 5274 times:

Quoting DocLightning (Reply 14):
The purpose of a propeller is to keep the pilot cool. Proof: if you stop the propeller, you can see the pilot start sweating.

This isn't a joke. I've actually used this in Civil Air Patrol to teach my Cadets about different parts of the plane. and I tell them that in addition to providing thrust, the propeller is a giant fan.

Marc


User currently offlineZkpilot From New Zealand, joined Mar 2006, 4865 posts, RR: 10
Reply 20, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 5173 times:

Tony Pinatiri (Italian) was having problems with his engine on a lake in New Zealand...
he gets on his radio and says: "Helpa helpa itsa me eh tony pinatiri I'm ona the lake am sinking"
Now back in the 80s Air NZ has Fokker Friendships... and they overheard this radio transmission so respond:
"This is Fokker Friendship 1XX, where are you?"
Tony replies: "Helpa helpa itsa me eh tony pinatiri I'm ona the lake am sinking"
The Air NZ Fokker replies: " I say again this is Fokker Friendship 1XX...''
Tony replies: "I don'ta wanta your Fokker Friendship! I WANTA SOME HELP!!"
:D



56 types. 38 countries. 24 airlines.
User currently offlineeinsteinboricua From Puerto Rico, joined Apr 2010, 3377 posts, RR: 8
Reply 21, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 5115 times:

It's aviation related:
How to fly a 747

And the famous Pam Ann:
Pam Ann
British Airways
American Airlines
Terrorists *The F word is used and PG-13 scenes.

Fees for everything

That might be enough for anyone 



"You haven't seen a tree until you've seen its shadow from the sky."
User currently offlineJakeOrion From United States of America, joined Oct 2005, 1255 posts, RR: 3
Reply 22, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 5040 times:

And oldie and mentioned on this forum several times before:

How to cheaply obtain a F-104 Starfighter; buy a field in Germany and wait.


RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!



Every problem has a simple solution; finding the simple solution is the difficult problem.
User currently offlinedandaire From UK - Wales, joined Jul 2008, 65 posts, RR: 0
Reply 23, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 4 days 20 hours ago) and read 4976 times:

When flying always try and stay in the middle of the sky. The edges of the sky can be recognized by the presence of planets or interstellar space, flying through either of these is extremely difficult.


Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
User currently offlineAirportugal310 From United States of America, joined Apr 2004, 3717 posts, RR: 2
Reply 24, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 4 days 18 hours ago) and read 4926 times:

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Wooooh Woh Wooooh



I sell airplanes and airplane accessories
25 Post contains links AKviator : Here are a few of my favorite youtube vids about pilots. BBC spoof documentary/comedy about pilots (3 parts): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SwECTyXa
26 DocLightning : In the longstanding battle between aluminum objects traveling hundreds of miles per hour and the ground traveling at zero miles per hour, the ground h
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