UAL747 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR: Posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 5 days 2 hours ago) and read 7047 times:
So lets hear some. It's been a while for this type of thread:
1. An A380 pilot was bragging to a Boeing 747 pilot about how great his aircraft was and how wonderfully it flew. The Boeing pilot turned to the Airbus pilot with a smirk and said, "Well, at least my plane doesn't call me a retard every time I attempt to land it."
2. A child was seated with his mother on a Southwest Airlines flight at LAX. He noticed that other airlines had small planes and big planes. He asked his mother why, and she didn't have the answer, but suggested he ask the flight attendant. When the flight attendant came by, the child asked, "Why do other airlines have baby planes and big planes and Southwest only has big planes?" The flight attendant replied, "Because Southwest always pulls out on time."
Cadet985 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 1928 posts, RR: 4
Reply 4, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 5 days ago) and read 6974 times:
A 747 is halfway through a transatlantic run when they run into engine trouble. They radio in that they are continuing on 3 engines. A couple hours later, another engine fails. "We should be able to make it there on two engines," the pilot radios to LHR. Shortly after that, the third engine fails. By now, they're just a couple hundred miles out. About 50 miles before hitting land, the 4th engine fails. The pilot gets on the radio, "Okay guys, we now have all four engines failed. Do you have any suggestions?" After a couple minutes, a controller replies, "Repeat after me. Our Father who art in Heaven....."
UltimateDelta From United States of America, joined Sep 2007, 2276 posts, RR: 6
Reply 9, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 23 hours ago) and read 6900 times:
A woman goes to check in at an airport. She goes up to the lady at the counter and says: "I want you to sen done bag to Miami, one to Los Angeles, and one to Minneapolis." The ticket lady replies: "But we can't do that!" The passenger says back: "But you did last time!"
My apologies if you've all heard that one before. Deal with it
StarAC17 From Canada, joined Aug 2003, 3665 posts, RR: 10
Reply 11, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 22 hours ago) and read 6889 times:
Some conversations that I found on a 5 or so year old thread here.
TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Control tower to a UA 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight.
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
This is good for a laugh, its standard maintenance practices at Qantas
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Believe it or not, the Russians actually had a pod that they could install underneath a Su-25 they could use to carry mechanics to forward air strips. Not sure it ever got much use, though - not even the Russians are that crazy.
Quoting FlyDeltaJets87 (Reply 8): Q: How do you know your date with a pilot is half-over
A: He says "Enough about me. Let's talk about my plane".
best joke I've heard in a long while.
Read this very carefully, I shall write this only once!
czbbflier From Canada, joined Jul 2006, 1009 posts, RR: 2
Reply 13, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 19 hours ago) and read 6825 times:
This one is quasi-aviation related:
* * *
Once upon a time, there was this flea sitting on the beach in Mexico, drinking mai-tais, soaking up the sun's rays and enjoying all the scenery he could handle.
Along came this second flea who was obviously cold. His antennae were frosted and he was seriously shivering.
-- "What happened?" asked the first. "How did you get here?"
-- "I- I- I- got on this guy's m-m-m-oustache who rode his m-m-motorbike all the way to M-M-Mexico."
-- "Well, you should do what I do," said the first. "See, when it starts to get chilly back home up North, I find a nice pretty flight attendant. I climb up into her panties where it's nice and warm and I fly down here to Mexico. When I get down here in Mexico, I jump out and voilà! Here I am, drinking mai-tais and enjoying myself!"
DocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 22464 posts, RR: 62
Reply 14, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 19 hours ago) and read 6809 times:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
If the world keeps spinning round and round and all you hear is commotion from the cabin, things are not going according to plan.
Stay out of clouds. That silver lining everyone keeps talking about might well be an oncoming plane. Also, mountains have been known to hide in clouds.
Mountain goats do not fly. Pilots will do well to remember this fact. Might come in useful one day.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling it back, in which case they get bigger again.
Try to keep the number of take-offs and landings you do relatively equal.
The three most useless things to a pilot:
1) The amount of sky above you
2) The amount of runway behind you
3) 1/10 second ago
The purpose of a propeller is to keep the pilot cool. Proof: if you stop the propeller, you can see the pilot start sweating.
Helicopters cannot fly. They are so ugly that the ground repels them.
There is a 43-plane line up at LGA at 6:30 PM on a Tuesday (as is typical). A thunderstorm rolls through and all arrivals and departures are stopped. In the middle of it a pilot says over the radio "I'm f--king bored."
Tower: "Who was that!? Identify yourself immediately!"
Pilot: "I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid."
propilot83 From United States of America, joined Jan 2001, 618 posts, RR: 0
Reply 16, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 17 hours ago) and read 6778 times:
Quoting Flight209 (Reply 1): A child was seated with his mother on a Southwest Airlines flight at LAX. He noticed that other airlines had small planes and big planes. He asked his mother why, and she didn't have the answer, but suggested he ask the flight attendant. When the flight attendant came by, the child asked, "Why do other airlines have baby planes and big planes and Southwest only has big planes?" The flight attendant replied, "Because Southwest always pulls out on time."
Cadet985 From United States of America, joined Mar 2002, 1928 posts, RR: 4
Reply 19, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 6594 times:
Quoting DocLightning (Reply 14): The purpose of a propeller is to keep the pilot cool. Proof: if you stop the propeller, you can see the pilot start sweating.
This isn't a joke. I've actually used this in Civil Air Patrol to teach my Cadets about different parts of the plane. and I tell them that in addition to providing thrust, the propeller is a giant fan.
Zkpilot From New Zealand, joined Mar 2006, 5123 posts, RR: 9
Reply 20, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 4 days 2 hours ago) and read 6493 times:
Tony Pinatiri (Italian) was having problems with his engine on a lake in New Zealand...
he gets on his radio and says: "Helpa helpa itsa me eh tony pinatiri I'm ona the lake am sinking"
Now back in the 80s Air NZ has Fokker Friendships... and they overheard this radio transmission so respond:
"This is Fokker Friendship 1XX, where are you?"
Tony replies: "Helpa helpa itsa me eh tony pinatiri I'm ona the lake am sinking"
The Air NZ Fokker replies: " I say again this is Fokker Friendship 1XX...''
Tony replies: "I don'ta wanta your Fokker Friendship! I WANTA SOME HELP!!"
dandaire From UK - Wales, joined Jul 2008, 65 posts, RR: 0
Reply 23, posted (5 years 3 months 3 weeks 3 days 12 hours ago) and read 6296 times:
When flying always try and stay in the middle of the sky. The edges of the sky can be recognized by the presence of planets or interstellar space, flying through either of these is extremely difficult.
Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.