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Dating Question, Soo Frustrated  
User currently offlineCarlisle From United States of America, joined Feb 2009, 271 posts, RR: 5
Posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 2999 times:

So let's say you've been seeing someone and you both were under the impression that you were involved in an LTR (Long Term Relationship.) You notice that your significant other slowly but surely is becoming less and less commited to the relationship and romanctic. The person decides one day to tell you that he/she wants to avoid being in a non-romantic relationship basis for a one month "trial period." After that, the relationship would see where it went. The basis of the trial period would be to "get to know each other better as friends" before taking it further. I've been seeing this person for four months. Would you take this as a break-up speech made the wrong way or avoiding to make a real and honest break up?

Thank you for your time.

Jeremy


"CLEAN PLANES AND DIRTY MARTINIS" (Delta)
59 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlinewaterpolodan From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 1649 posts, RR: 5
Reply 1, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 2985 times:

Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
Would you take this as a break-up speech made the wrong way or avoiding to make a real and honest break up?

I'd take it as someone that either has cold feet and knows it won't go anywhere and would prefer to drag it out because she's too scared to be blunt and hurt you, or someone that isn't very savvy with dating and actually thinks that it might work to "take a break". I've seen many friends do this, I've even been through this as well, but in 95% of these instances where one person wants to take a break for a while, it doesn't work out. I'd start playing the field again, so to speak, as if it's only been 4 months she should still be caught up in the newness and not wondering if you guys should try just being friends. Sorry to be a debbie downer, but that's my take.


User currently offlineTheCol From Canada, joined Jan 2007, 2039 posts, RR: 6
Reply 2, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 5 hours ago) and read 2962 times:

Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
and you both were under the impression that you were involved in an LTR (Long Term Relationship.)
Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
I've been seeing this person for four months.

You're kidding, right?

Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
The person decides one day to tell you that he/she wants to avoid being in a non-romantic relationship basis for a one month "trial period." After that, the relationship
would see where it went. The basis of the trial period would be to "get to know each other better as friends
" before taking it further.

In other words, she isn't attracted to you anymore and wants to break-up.

It's all pretty strait forward.



No matter how random things may appear, there's always a plan.
User currently offlineAaron747 From Japan, joined Aug 2003, 8299 posts, RR: 26
Reply 3, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2943 times:

The situation is hopeless - resistance is futile. Don't buy that "taking a break line" - tell him/her if they have any respect for you they need to break it you straight regarding why they're opting out. At least then you won't have anything to wonder about.


If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
User currently offlinembmbos From United States of America, joined May 2000, 2616 posts, RR: 1
Reply 4, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2936 times:

I have no idea whether the other person is being truthful or not. But I would say your relationship is on shaky ground. And I would also say that yes, taking a step back to get some perspective occasionally works. It's up to you to decide whether the pain of the situation and the high risk it won't work out is worth a one month trial period. But if you're really interested in the other person and you think she is reasonably honest, it might be worth a try.

User currently offlinecaliatenza From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 1583 posts, RR: 0
Reply 5, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2929 times:

Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
So let's say you've been seeing someone and you both were under the impression that you were involved in an LTR (Long Term Relationship.) You notice that your significant other slowly but surely is becoming less and less commited to the relationship and romanctic. The person decides one day to tell you that he/she wants to avoid being in a non-romantic relationship basis for a one month "trial period." After that, the relationship would see where it went. The basis of the trial period would be to "get to know each other better as friends" before taking it further. I've been seeing this person for four months. Would you take this as a break-up speech made the wrong way or avoiding to make a real and honest break up?

Thank you for your time.

My ex did this about a year and a half ago....there is a thread about it on here, somewhere. My advice is, RUN..seriously. It isnt worth the time and the headache. Dont make the same mistake i did, by taking her back after the "break" that SHE went on. There is someone else out there for you that will appreciate you and not pull stuff like "a break". It is the stupidest crap ive ever heard about in a relationship. BTW, how old is this girl?


User currently offlineDerico From Argentina, joined Dec 1999, 4318 posts, RR: 11
Reply 6, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2918 times:

Preemptive dumping is in order.

And once you do, stay single. The amount of money it saves is incredible. Just spent almost 2,000 USD aprox on a massive computer comfig, instead of some stupid 700 dress + super fancy dinner + weekend trip to ski crap.

Actually, I've never done the above but seen friends buy their now EXes apple laptops, trips, thousands of dollars thrown in the garbage.

The only time I would ever spend over 50 USD at a time on a girl is when she is married to me. Before that absolutely not, unless it's a vacation where I'm enjoying it.



My internet was not shut down, the internet has shut me down
User currently offlineScarletHarlot From Canada, joined Jul 2003, 4673 posts, RR: 56
Reply 7, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2908 times:

Sounds like a clumsy way of breaking up to me.

You deserve better than that. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don't let her. If she wants to break up with you, she needs to do so. No half-assedness that leaves you strung along.

Be strong!



But that was when I ruled the world
User currently offlineAesma From Reunion, joined Nov 2009, 6963 posts, RR: 12
Reply 8, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 4 hours ago) and read 2896 times:

I knew the "let's be friends" line, but "let's be friends for a while to know each other better and then maybe have sex again" is quite novel to me !


New Technology is the name we give to stuff that doesn't work yet. Douglas Adams
User currently offlineFly2HMO From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 9, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 3 hours ago) and read 2870 times:

Ah yes, the infamous "lets just be friends" card. Ditch her ASAP. Don't bother pulling through with it.

Out of the 20+ girls I've dated, only 1 (yes ONE) had the guts to straight up say she was no longer interested. And frankly, I much rather have it be that way, but girls just never do that. All of the other girls just either started being flaky all of a sudden, they wouldn't answer calls, or at best they pull the infamous "lets just be friends" card on me. Girls are very cowardly when it comes to blowing off guys they have some sort of relationship with.

The first couple of times (specially with my ex) it was major torture not knowing WTF they were thinking and worrying constantly whether I messed somewhere, whether if they were just playing hard to catch, you name it. In the end I just realized a key thing (the hard way): women will NEVER be up front with you. It may be obvious to many by now, including myself, but to the uninitiated in dating (like I was not long ago) that's certainly not the case.

Anyways, my modus operandi nowadays is that if I get the slightest hint of doubt on a girl, I ask her what's her problem, straight up (obviously with more tact). More often than not I don't like the response. Which then results in me promptly saying, thanks but no thanks, and then we go our own separate ways. It's hard at first, but you're much better off ending things yourself. Sooooooo much less stress than wondering what's going on that crazy woman's head.

Quoting TheCol (Reply 2):


It's all pretty strait forward.

Assuming you know how to read girls to begin with   

[Edited 2010-08-10 18:42:11]

[Edited 2010-08-10 18:44:03]

User currently offlineShyFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 10, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2836 times:

Nothing good can come from this. Shake hands, remember the good times, and part ways.

User currently offlineJBirdAV8r From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 4491 posts, RR: 21
Reply 11, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2833 times:

Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 10):
Nothing good can come from this. Shake hands, remember the good times, and part ways.

   No need to namby pamby around each other and be stuck in a rut of difficult feelings. Go with a clear conscience and spend time with people who appreciate your company! It's a (net) good thing!  



I got my head checked--by a jumbo jet
User currently offlineAaron747 From Japan, joined Aug 2003, 8299 posts, RR: 26
Reply 12, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2814 times:

Quoting Fly2HMO (Reply 9):
In the end I just realized a key thing (the hard way): women will NEVER be up front with you.

Sorry but because it's your experience does not make it so. Out of the 5 *serious* relationships I've had, 3 of them, including the one who became my spouse, have always been more or less straight - as in ask a question, get an answer without the fog. One of them thankfully wasn't destined for success only because she was very up front about family obligations on her end that I wasn't willing to consider.

That isn't to say I haven't had flings where both of us were clearly lying to each other, but there weren't really any illusions either. What I do know is that women are as varied as the color spectrum - it may just be that you only meet and attract the ones who speak in grey.



If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
User currently offlinecaliatenza From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 1583 posts, RR: 0
Reply 13, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2811 times:

Quoting Fly2HMO (Reply 9):


Ah yes, the infamous "lets just be friends" card. Ditch her ASAP. Don't bother pulling through with it.

Out of the 20+ girls I've dated, only 1 (yes ONE) had the guts to straight up say she was no longer interested. And frankly, I much rather have it be that way, but girls just never do that. All of the other girls just either started being flaky all of a sudden, they wouldn't answer calls, or at best they pull the infamous "lets just be friends" card on me. Girls are very cowardly when it comes to blowing off guys they have some sort of relationship with.

The first couple of times (specially with my ex) it was major torture not knowing WTF they were thinking and worrying constantly whether I messed somewhere, whether if they were just playing hard to catch, you name it. In the end I just realized a key thing (the hard way): women will NEVER be up front with you. It may be obvious to many by now, including myself, but to the uninitiated in dating (like I was not long ago) that's certainly not the case.

Anyways, my modus operandi nowadays is that if I get the slightest hint of doubt on a girl, I ask her what's her problem, straight up (obviously with more tact). More often than not I don't like the response. Which then results in me promptly saying, thanks but no thanks, and then we go our own separate ways. It's hard at first, but you're much better off ending things yourself. Sooooooo much less stress than wondering what's going on that crazy woman's head.

I couldnt have said it better. Women say us men are confusing...but hell, i think women are vastly more confusing. They never know what they freaking want. I'll say this about guys, we want either a. to be friends only, b. to be f--k buddies, c. friends with benefits, e. one night stands or d. in a relationship. God knows what women are thinking at any given time.


User currently offlinesv7887 From United States of America, joined May 2008, 1025 posts, RR: 0
Reply 14, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2809 times:

Quoting Derico (Reply 6):
And once you do, stay single. The amount of money it saves is incredible. Just spent almost 2,000 USD aprox on a massive computer comfig, instead of some stupid 700 dress + super fancy dinner + weekend trip to ski crap.

This is brilliant advice, and I unfortunately learned the hard way on this. My wallet these days thanks me.

Quoting Derico (Reply 6):
The only time I would ever spend over 50 USD at a time on a girl is when she is married to me. Before that absolutely not, unless it's a vacation where I'm enjoying it.

Absolutely. Unless you're married, it's like spending money on a rented/leased car. Waste IMHO.

Quoting Fly2HMO (Reply 9):
Ah yes, the infamous "lets just be friends" card. Ditch her ASAP. Don't bother pulling through with it.

Oh yeah, it's the ultimate PC way of breaking up. Don't deal with the BS just move on..There are no shortage of women out there. She's basically "letting you down easy" with the proviso that if her newfound Option A doesn't work she may be able to come to you, Option B.

Don't settle for anyone's backup plan. Learn from the experience and move on.


User currently offlineTSS From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 3070 posts, RR: 5
Reply 15, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 6 days 2 hours ago) and read 2807 times:

Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
Would you take this as a break-up speech made the wrong way or avoiding to make a real and honest break up?

Yes, absolutely.

Quoting TheCol (Reply 2):
In other words, she isn't attracted to you anymore and wants to break-up.

Yep. The cold, honest truth from TheCol.

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 3):
The situation is hopeless - resistance is futile.

True. It's already over, she just won't come right out and say so.

Quoting Derico (Reply 6):
Preemptive dumping is in order.

Agreed! Say "Okay, it's been fun. See ya around", then turn around and walk away without looking back.

Quoting ScarletHarlot (Reply 7):
Sounds like a clumsy way of breaking up to me.

You deserve better than that. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don't let her. If she wants to break up with you, she needs to do so. No half-assedness that leaves you strung along.

Very true. The best you can hope for out of this is to become her "D*ck Under Glass"- in case of emergency, break glass. That means you're expected to be available 24/7 for when her next boyfriend breaks up with her, but once she's over him you'll be right back under the glass with no hope of ever being her "main man" again.

There's also an extremely good chance that she's met someone else she wants to date but doesn't want to fully break up with you in case the other guy doesn't work out. Don't fall for it.

Quoting ShyFlyer (Reply 10):
Nothing good can come from this. Shake hands, remember the good times, and part ways.

Yeah, that about sums it up.



Able to kill active threads stone dead with a single post!
User currently offlinestratosphere From United States of America, joined Sep 2007, 1658 posts, RR: 5
Reply 16, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 2721 times:

Quoting caliatenza (Reply 13):
I'll say this about guys, we want either a. to be friends only, b. to be f--k buddies, c. friends with benefits, e. one night stands or d. in a relationship. God knows what women are thinking at any given time.

I think you can safely say B. and C. are the same. But I agree going through kinda the same deal myself except at my age I don't play around too old to play games either you are on board or you are not.



NWA THE TRUE EVIL EMPIRE
User currently offlineAlias1024 From United States of America, joined Oct 2004, 2813 posts, RR: 2
Reply 17, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 2715 times:

Quoting Aesma (Reply 8):
I knew the "let's be friends" line, but "let's be friends for a while to know each other better and then maybe have sex again" is quite novel to me !

I thought that was pretty inventive too!

I agree with everyone else that it's time to say goodbye and move on to someone new.



It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems with just potatoes.
User currently offlineFly2HMO From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 18, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 2710 times:

Quoting Aaron747 (Reply 12):

Sorry but because it's your experience does not make it so. Out of the 5 *serious* relationships I've had, 3 of them, including the one who became my spouse, have always been more or less straight - as in ask a question, get an answer without the fog. One of them thankfully wasn't destined for success only because she was very up front about family obligations on her end that I wasn't willing to consider.

Well aren't you the lucky one. Part of the reason I reached those conclusions as well were due to all the nasty experiences I've heard from friends and what not. Honest, up-front girls that don't beat around the bush are without doubt the minority out there.

Quoting caliatenza (Reply 13):
I'll say this about guys, we want either a. to be friends only, b. to be f--k buddies, c. friends with benefits, e. one night stands or d. in a relationship. God knows what women are thinking at any given time.

My thoughts exactly.

Quoting sv7887 (Reply 14):
She's basically "letting you down easy" with the proviso that if her newfound Option A doesn't work she may be able to come to you, Option B.
Quoting TSS (Reply 15):

There's also an extremely good chance that she's met someone else she wants to date but doesn't want to fully break up with you in case the other guy doesn't work out. Don't fall for it.

Being plan B is probably worst than getting friend-zoned. That's pretty much a break up BUT she keeps you within fingertip reach, which will only lead to severe psychological torment. And that's not considering there are a few sick women that are out there just looking to torment (usually nice) guys just for shits and giggles. NEVER be a girls red carpet. I learned the hard way.   


User currently offlineTheCol From Canada, joined Jan 2007, 2039 posts, RR: 6
Reply 19, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 23 hours ago) and read 2698 times:

Quoting Derico (Reply 6):
And once you do, stay single. The amount of money it saves is incredible. Just spent almost 2,000 USD aprox on a massive computer comfig, instead of some stupid 700 dress + super fancy dinner + weekend trip to ski crap.

  

Quoting Fly2HMO (Reply 9):
Assuming you know how to read girls to begin with

The whole point is that he shouldn't try.



No matter how random things may appear, there's always a plan.
User currently offlineAaron747 From Japan, joined Aug 2003, 8299 posts, RR: 26
Reply 20, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 22 hours ago) and read 2684 times:

Quoting stratosphere (Reply 16):
I think you can safely say B. and C. are the same.

They are not - there's a reason one is called friend and the other isn't. A f*ck buddy is literally a go-to person for a moment's notice, and schedule considerations aside, it'll happen. When you're done, you or they leave, and you don't talk about personal stuff at all. A friend with benefits is someone you can have a conversation or meal with minus any date or relationship pressure and still take to bed with no questions asked. Quite a difference between the two really.



If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
User currently offlinecaliatenza From United States of America, joined Dec 2006, 1583 posts, RR: 0
Reply 21, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 21 hours ago) and read 2641 times:

Quoting TSS (Reply 15):

There's also an extremely good chance that she's met someone else she wants to date but doesn't want to fully break up with you in case the other guy doesn't work out. Don't fall for it.

this happened to me...WHILE MY EX WAS STILL LIVING WITH ME..lol. So yeah...thats another stupid tactic.


User currently offlineAaron747 From Japan, joined Aug 2003, 8299 posts, RR: 26
Reply 22, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 2625 times:

Quoting caliatenza (Reply 21):
this happened to me...WHILE MY EX WAS STILL LIVING WITH ME

See this is where our simple nature can put us ahead of women. When I had a relationship once I couldn't figure out how to extricate myself from, it dawned on me that cheating and making sure I was caught would be the easiest way. I was right...not proud of it necessarily, but right nonetheless.



If you need someone to blame / throw a rock in the air / you'll hit someone guilty
User currently offlineAirPacific747 From Denmark, joined May 2008, 2484 posts, RR: 24
Reply 23, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 20 hours ago) and read 2614 times:

Quoting Carlisle (Thread starter):
Would you take this as a break-up speech made the wrong way or avoiding to make a real and honest break up?

   exactly yes. I've tried this myself.. :S Some girls do have a funny way of saying things instead of just saying it directly but I think it is clear what it means.

Last hope would be to show her that you don't need her (no matter how much you care for her) and you might become interesting to her again.

[Edited 2010-08-11 02:03:36]

User currently offlineLASoctoberB6 From Japan, joined Nov 2006, 2380 posts, RR: 1
Reply 24, posted (4 years 4 months 2 weeks 5 days 19 hours ago) and read 2595 times:

Quoting Fly2HMO (Reply 18):
friend-zoned

Explain (please).



[NOT IN SERVICE] {WEStJet}
25 iairallie : Girl perspective here. Sounds like the relationship got more physical than she was comfortable with too fast and now she is wondering if there is anyt
26 Post contains images AustrianZRH : Gawd, how I like the European way of dating .
27 sw733 : Ah crap, I learned the alphabet wrong I guess
28 Post contains links and images Fly2HMO : http://lmgtfy.com/?q=friend+zone
29 Post contains images Derico : Just responding in general, My best friend how is 5 years older went 4 years spending all kinds of cash on this girl: trips, a brand new APPLE compute
30 Post contains images sudden : Dude, You need a snowglobe!
31 vikkyvik : Dunno about you, but having sex with a car just ain't the same...... Damn, it took 30 replies!
32 Post contains images GQfluffy : How's those "But we were on a break..." crabs? I'm sorry for the females who responded, but this will end unpleasant if he assumes the girl will be b
33 iairallie : No need to appologize I agree with you.
34 ScarletHarlot : Me too. What females are you referring to? Iairallie and I are the only ones on the thread, as far as I know, and we both said the same thing.
35 Maverick623 : First of all, the phrase "Long Term Relationship" should only be used after a relationship has lasted for a long time. It is not a category, nor some
36 Post contains images Fly2HMO : Had I only known that 4 years ago I have done that recently though, surprisingly works wonders. Always gotta be a step ahead.
37 Post contains images LASoctoberB6 : Jeez, man, I didn't know that even existed.. I thought it was something you made up.
38 Post contains images avent : Of course, advice concerning the emotional aspects of relationships, from someone who starts the soft-porn 'would you hit it' topics, might warrant s
39 Post contains images sudden : Took me by surprise as well. I guess most doesn't know this story.
40 Post contains images Fly2HMO : It's a fairly old internet meme. Any advice requires special consideration
41 vikkyvik : Hmmm. Perhaps it's finally time for Mr. Flairport to make a comeback.
42 Dreadnought : Sounds to me like it's time to bang her sister. Signed: Dr. Dreadnought - relationship counselor to the great unwashed
43 Maverick623 : "When I Was 17: the A.net Edition"
44 Post contains images ShyFlyer : Should be able to find the DVD version in the bargain bin by now....
45 wn700driver : Just tell her you've reviewed the situation, and after careful evaluation, you've decided you're going to have to pass on the offer in question and ju
46 sudden : In which section is this DVD to be found; In the B movie section, or in the how-to-not-win-a-girls-trust section?
47 Post contains images carlisle : First of all, thank you everyone for your advice, support, etc. It's been hard for me to get over because I was really, and still am attracted to this
48 Fly2HMO : O rly? Rings a very strong bell. Hmmm, maybe not the type of woman you'd want to be with anyways, depending on your tastes of course. DO IT!!!!
49 iairallie : Doesn't really matter. Many women feel uncomfortable with a relationship that seems to be based all on the physical stuff after the initial thrill be
50 asuflyer05 : I cannot believe I read a 49 post thread with a bunch of dudes discussing the nuiances of a breakup. This is like a bad episode of Oprah.
51 JHCRJ700 : Dump her man. it's over. sorry, but no other way to put it. there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
52 TSS : 32? Really?!? I'd have guessed she was at most college-age (22 or younger). 32 is way, way, WAY too old to be playing this silly teenage "let's take
53 Maverick623 : Some people just don't mature. Anyone over 21 is too old to be playing those games. Well, let's not take that to mean that being single at 32 is a "l
54 TSS : Oh, by no means. Stuff happens unexpectedly, and any of us could find ourselves single at any age.
55 Post contains links Airstud : Here is what to tell her.
56 rolfen : If you would take advice given on this board about how to "take this" or to interpret this over the explanation given by your partner, then I think y
57 RussianJet : Four months and you have the impression of an 'LTR' as you put it? Two things: 1) You need to learn more about long term relationships. 2) She has col
58 caliatenza : i could never cheat on someone, its not my nature..i dont care how crummy the other person is lol.
59 caliatenza : if she's 32..she's got bigger problems other than this...
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