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Your Girlriend Having Lots Of Guy Friends?  
User currently offlineps76 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Posted (4 years 5 days 16 hours ago) and read 2667 times:

Hello(!),

First just to say hi. Haven't been on this forum for ages but is quite cool to be back. Anyway was just wondering what you're thought were on this predicament (although Airliners.net is probably the last place I should ask for chicks advice from!). Anyway have still been thinking about my ex-girlfriend a bit. We had a pretty good relationship but the main problem was she had loads of guy friends who she flirted with a lot and stuff and that made me jealous and stuff. Sometimes she would be holding hands with a guy friend of hers right in front of me and that pissed me off and one night this guy she had previously slept with came round and I could hear her kissing him right there on the other side of the partition and stuff. I put up with it because she was hot but was I just being a fool. She told me that i was the only guy she hadn't cheated on and I believed her but what kind of a confidence boost is that! So we split up. Did I do the right thing? I had a girlfriend after her but really that relationship had made me so nuts I really wasn't into it even though my new girlfriend was good looking and slim and was a much nicer person too. So anyway any thoughts on what I should do to get over a bad relationship would be appreciated. Maybe I just need to get laid!

Many thanks,

Pierre

34 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlinestealthz From Australia, joined Feb 2005, 5704 posts, RR: 44
Reply 1, posted (4 years 5 days 16 hours ago) and read 2647 times:
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Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
I put up with it because she was hot

Likely the worst reason!

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
but was I just being a fool

Yes

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Did I do the right thing?

Yes

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Maybe I just need to get laid!

Maybe you just need to grow up a little!



If your camera sends text messages, that could explain why your photos are rubbish!
User currently offlineJBirdAV8r From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 4491 posts, RR: 21
Reply 2, posted (4 years 5 days 15 hours ago) and read 2604 times:

Quoting stealthz (Reply 1):
Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
I put up with it because she was hot

Likely the worst reason!

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
but was I just being a fool

Yes

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Did I do the right thing?

Yes

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Maybe I just need to get laid!

Maybe you just need to grow up a little!

+1 to all of that. Hot ain't everything. No need to date a lush just because you think you might get something.

I might suggest you chill out and think about your short and long-term goals for a relationship.



I got my head checked--by a jumbo jet
User currently offlineNIKV69 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 3, posted (4 years 5 days 14 hours ago) and read 2541 times:

A girl who says she loves to have guy friends but is not having sex with them is lying to you. Look at Jersey Shore   

Seriously at some point she will cross the line. No need to deal with that.


User currently offlineelmothehobo From United States of America, joined Aug 2006, 1544 posts, RR: 1
Reply 4, posted (4 years 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 2506 times:

Quoting NIKV69 (Reply 3):
A girl who says she loves to have guy friends but is not having sex with them is lying to you. Look at Jersey Shore   

I don't think I've ever agreed with you until now. Well said.


User currently offlineOA412 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 5295 posts, RR: 25
Reply 5, posted (4 years 5 days 13 hours ago) and read 2487 times:

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
I put up with it because she was hot but was I just being a fool.

Yes. You should never put up with behavior you otherwise would not put up with just because the offender is "hot".

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
We had a pretty good relationship but the main problem was she had loads of guy friends who she flirted with a lot and stuff and that made me jealous and stuff.

Well obviously there is also the issue of your jealousy that you need to work through. But, at the same time, if what you write about her is accurate, she clearly had little to no respect for your relationship if she was "holding hands" with her guy friends in front of you and kissing them when you were in the next room.

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
She told me that i was the only guy she hadn't cheated on and I believed her

I wouldn't have. If she felt the need to tell you that, chances are that she was cheating on you.

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Did I do the right thing?

Yes.

Quoting elmothehobo (Reply 4):
Quoting NIKV69 (Reply 3):A girl who says she loves to have guy friends but is not having sex with them is lying to you. Look at Jersey Shore   
I don't think I've ever agreed with you until now. Well said.

LOL, same here. But yes, Nik is pretty much right on this one.



Hughes Airwest - Top Banana In The West
User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 19794 posts, RR: 59
Reply 6, posted (4 years 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 2467 times:

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
that made me jealous and stuff.

Jealousy=lack of trust. Jealousy="I think you're going to dump me for someone else/cheat on me." If you are so jealous that you cannot handle ANY girlfriend having guy friends, then you will never achieve a successful, healthy relationship. If you have found that you are jealous of most women and that you always mistrust them, then you should get some counseling/therapy about that.

If, on the other hand, it was just this girl and her behavior towards other men, then you were right to dump her. She should respect whatever rules you have in your relationship.


User currently offlinewaterpolodan From United States of America, joined Feb 2005, 1649 posts, RR: 5
Reply 7, posted (4 years 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 2449 times:

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
was just wondering what you're thought were on this predicament

Maybe she finds guys with good punctuation/spelling more appealing so she's inclined to mess around?  
Quoting DocLightning (Reply 6):
Jealousy=lack of trust. Jealousy="I think you're going to dump me for someone else/cheat on me." If you are so jealous that you cannot handle ANY girlfriend having guy friends, then you will never achieve a successful, healthy relationship.

Well said. My first few serious relationships had lots of moments of jealousy when I couldn't believe that my girlfriends were "just friends" with other guys, especially if they were single and the kind of guy that I'd suspect she'd be in to if not for me. I got older, though, and realized that obsessing about those things just makes you look controlling and immature, and thus less appealing, so your gf will be more inclined to look elsewhere for a confident guy. It's a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. If you worry too much about her cheating, she is more likely to do exactly that. Just be confident and tell yourself that if she's inclined to look elsewhere it's her loss, so you could do better anyway. Easier said than done, considering how tempting it is to obsess over relationships, but it's an experience thing I suppose.

Also, it's entirely possible for a girl to be non-involved friends with a guy, even if they are both attracted to each other physically. Unless you're in high school, most people are mature enough to have a distinction between simple instinctive lust and attraction based on many levels of compatibility (that sounds like a match.com ad!). I'm friends with plenty of lovely women who just don't do it for me in one way or another, and thus I'd never do anything with them, especially if I knew they were in a relationship.


User currently offlineMudboy From United States of America, joined Jan 2006, 1167 posts, RR: 5
Reply 8, posted (4 years 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 2448 times:

Chalk it up as a lesson learned, she was playing you for a fool, and you fell for it.

You are the only guy I haven't cheated on?? That tells you she has no problem cheating., HUGE red flag,

This chic disrespected you, on more than one occasion, and there is no way in hell I would let that slide once.

This chic obviously is addicted to attention, and woman like that will never change, be glad she is no longer your problem.

It is not healthy for any relationship, when attention and time is spent on someone of the opposite sex. It always kills me when someone's other has a bunch of friends of the opposite sex and then they find out she was cheating, what in the hell did you think would happen??


User currently offlineandz From South Africa, joined Feb 2004, 8455 posts, RR: 10
Reply 9, posted (4 years 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 2420 times:
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Quoting waterpolodan (Reply 7):
Maybe she finds guys with good punctuation/spelling more appealing so she's inclined to mess around?

you mean mess around....

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
and stuff.
Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Airliners.net is probably the last place I should ask for chicks advice

There's the best thing you typed.



After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF...
User currently offlinekanban From United States of America, joined Jan 2008, 3575 posts, RR: 27
Reply 10, posted (4 years 5 days 12 hours ago) and read 2407 times:
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Quoting NIKV69 (Reply 3):
A girl who says she loves to have guy friends but is not having sex with them is lying to you.


there is another aspect.. some women, no matter how "hot" they appear have low self esteems and use the number of guys in tow as an indicator of their worthiness. and indicator of this is they seldom initiate phone calls to males... that is seen as needy, yet masses of incoming male calls equates top being popular and restoring self esteem.

There are also those that are finessing gifts without putting out.. always one more this that or what ever and maybe... and having several "gift sources" is essential .. it's not the person they want but the gifts... again related to a low self esteem or just being greedy.


User currently offlineiairallie From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 11, posted (4 years 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 2395 times:

My take on jealousy... one of two things is going on if you feel jealous and insecure in a relationship:
a) your instincts are wrong and you are jealous without reason. Which means you need to grow up, gain some confidence and aren't really ready for a grownup relationship yet.
b) your instincts are correct and you are jealous with reason. Which means you need to man up, end the relationship, and dedicate your efforts to finding someone who respects you.

Either way if you are in a relationship where you feel jealous it is probably not a healthy relationship and you should end it to a) work on yourself b) find someone .

Quoting NIKV69 (Reply 3):
A girl who says she loves to have guy friends but is not having sex with them is lying to you.

Not true at all. I have lots of guy friends and I'm not having sex with any of them.


User currently offlineOA412 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 5295 posts, RR: 25
Reply 12, posted (4 years 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 2392 times:

Quoting kanban (Reply 10):
there is another aspect.. some women, no matter how "hot" they appear have low self esteems and use the number of guys in tow as an indicator of their worthiness. and indicator of this is they seldom initiate phone calls to males... that is seen as needy, yet masses of incoming male calls equates top being popular and restoring self esteem.

I see this all the time as I work with several women who have incredibly low self-esteem/self-worth and they think that because some good-looking give them the time of day when they flirt with them, that this is a sort of expression of their self-worth. Women are often taught from a young age that their looks, and nothing but their looks, is all that they are worth. Obviously this is wrong, but many, many women have taken it to heart.



Hughes Airwest - Top Banana In The West
User currently offlinesw733 From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 6330 posts, RR: 9
Reply 13, posted (4 years 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 2391 times:

My fiance has tons of guy friends. The key is knowing them and seeing the relationship between them and your lady. Having tons of guy friends is one thing...flirting with tons of guy friends is another.

Quoting DocLightning (Reply 6):
Jealousy=lack of trust.

And a lack of confidence, which ladies do NOT find attractive.

Quoting Mudboy (Reply 8):
You are the only guy I haven't cheated on?? That tells you she has no problem cheating., HUGE red flag,

Absolutely. I wouldn't date a girl like that if you paid me to. She sounds like she's a great lady...to use.


User currently offlineOA412 From United States of America, joined Dec 2000, 5295 posts, RR: 25
Reply 14, posted (4 years 5 days 11 hours ago) and read 2368 times:

Quoting sw733 (Reply 13):
My fiance has tons of guy friends. The key is knowing them and seeing the relationship between them and your lady. Having tons of guy friends is one thing...flirting with tons of guy friends is another.

Exactly. That distinction is extremely important to make. The issue is not whether a woman has several male friends as many women do, it's the nature of her relationship with these male friends. Obviously, the same applies for a men who are in relationships and have many female friends.



Hughes Airwest - Top Banana In The West
User currently offlineAirPacific747 From Denmark, joined May 2008, 2412 posts, RR: 24
Reply 15, posted (4 years 5 days 10 hours ago) and read 2322 times:

Sounds like a girl with a bad personality. It would only have been a matter of time before she would have cheated on you anyway. Good you broke up with her!

User currently offlineShyFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 16, posted (4 years 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 2255 times:

We always think about the "one that got away." However, it is important to remember why they got away...

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
she would be holding hands with a guy friend of hers right in front of me
Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
I could hear her kissing him right there on the other side of the partition

Those are good reasons to let someone get away.

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
Did I do the right thing?

Yes. Use your experience with this female as a learning experience. Move on.


User currently offlineNIKV69 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 17, posted (4 years 5 days 9 hours ago) and read 2255 times:

Quoting kanban (Reply 10):
there is another aspect.. some women, no matter how "hot" they appear have low self esteems and use the number of guys in tow as an indicator of their worthiness. and indicator of this is they seldom initiate phone calls to males... that is seen as needy, yet masses of incoming male calls equates top being popular and restoring self esteem.

You forgot how they follow through and take their clothes off for them.


User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 19794 posts, RR: 59
Reply 18, posted (4 years 5 days 8 hours ago) and read 2195 times:

Quoting sw733 (Reply 13):

And a lack of confidence, which ladies do NOT find attractive.

     

Quoting Mudboy (Reply 8):

You are the only guy I haven't cheated on?? That tells you she has no problem cheating., HUGE red flag,

Yup. Big problem. So... you have some options.

You can offer her an open relationship. I know lots of couples who do that, many of whom have lasted a very long time (decades). Judge them if you like, but if they're happy then it's none of your beeswax.

Or you can decide that this does not fit into your values system, bite the bullet, and end the relationship.


User currently offlineJBirdAV8r From United States of America, joined Jun 2001, 4491 posts, RR: 21
Reply 19, posted (4 years 5 days 7 hours ago) and read 2177 times:

Quoting DocLightning (Reply 18):
Quoting Mudboy (Reply 8):

You are the only guy I haven't cheated on?? That tells you she has no problem cheating., HUGE red flag,


Yup. Big problem. So... you have some options.

Perhaps more importantly, it shows you she has no intention of changing.

Quoting DocLightning (Reply 18):
You can offer her an open relationship. I know lots of couples who do that, many of whom have lasted a very long time (decades). Judge them if you like, but if they're happy then it's none of your beeswax.

Or you can decide that this does not fit into your values system, bite the bullet, and end the relationship.

I think it's pretty obvious that it bothers him. I don't think anything good can come of this...my vote is time to move on.



I got my head checked--by a jumbo jet
User currently offlineps76 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 20, posted (4 years 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 2139 times:

Hello(!),

Just to say many thanks for all the replies (I read them all!) and the words of advice/encouragement etc. Regarding the jealousy issue I was only jealous with her. My first girlfriend acted fine and I never felt jealous even if she had a guy over to dinner or something because I knew she was only friends with him and she didn't flirt and hold hands with him and stuff. My girlfriend after her also never made me feel jealous even if she had been with quite a few guys before me and stuff because I knew she was a pretty decent person. Just happens that the one I fell most in love with was the worst one of the bunch.

I didn't tell the whole story but after I broke up with her I kinda went nuts for a few years. Taking many years to get over a girl and losing your job and stuff is not normal. I guess looking back now I do suffer from my own kind of mental illness and she was just the trigger. I was in the hospital for a few days a couple of years ago and I still take an antipycotic medication (don't worry I'm not violent kinda psychotic). But it was definitely a lesson learned (the hard way). For the moment I'll just relax and not look for anything but in the future maybe a more mature relationship with someone who actually respects the relationship should be on the cards!

Many thanks,

Pierre

[Edited 2010-09-26 16:38:53]

User currently offlineiairallie From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 21, posted (4 years 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 2130 times:

Quoting ps76 (Reply 20):
Regarding the jealousy issue I was only jealous with her

That was your intstincts telling you something was wrong. We have instincts for a reason so often we ignore them and that is the root of many a miserable life.

Glad to hear that you took steps to take care of yourself and work on being healthy. It takes a lot of courage to do that.


User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 19794 posts, RR: 59
Reply 22, posted (4 years 5 days 6 hours ago) and read 2106 times:

Quoting JBirdAV8r (Reply 19):

I think it's pretty obvious that it bothers him. I don't think anything good can come of this...my vote is time to move on.

Well, I think so, too. But neither of us are making the decision, are we?


User currently offlineMaverick623 From United States of America, joined Nov 2006, 5654 posts, RR: 6
Reply 23, posted (4 years 5 days ago) and read 1998 times:

Be warned: I give very, very harsh advice when it comes to relationships, because too often people throw all reason out the window about it.

Also, I am a very bitter person when it comes to that stuff.

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
We had a pretty good relationship

No, you didn't. She cheated on you, and openly admitted that she cheated with all of her previous boyfriends.

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
the main problem was she had loads of guy friends who she flirted with a lot and stuff and that made me jealous and stuff.

Only be jealous if you have a good reason to be. And if you have a good reason to be, then there's a 99% chance that it's not gonna work out.

And by jealous, I mean a lacking trust.

Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
but was I just being a fool.

Yea, pretty much  
Quoting ps76 (Thread starter):
She told me that i was the only guy she hadn't cheated on

First mistake: don't ever, ever date someone who's cheated before unless you're completely willing to forgive and forget when she does it to you.

And if you think you can do that, you can't.

Quoting ps76 (Reply 20):
For the moment I'll just relax and not look for anything but in the future maybe a more mature relationship with someone who actually respects the relationship should be on the cards!

You'll one day realize that you can't have a real relationship with just anyone, and it won't be as upsetting when one doesn't work out.



"PHX is Phoenix, PDX is the other city" -777Way
User currently offlineps76 From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 24, posted (4 years 4 days 18 hours ago) and read 1908 times:

Hello(!),

Just to say many thanks fot the advice etc. It's good to hear that she was pretty much a lost cause and that I did well to move on.   One thing I notices is that as I get older and my potential partners get older and lose their good looks a little their personality improves and they're much less into flirting with other guys and stuff and are more serious about a proper relationship. Or maybe that's just in my mind.

Anyway while I'm on here I might as well give the full details of my problems. The only other problem I had was that a couple of years ago my brother told me that while I was going out with her and she phoned me one day he said "Can I have sex with you too?" because he really didn't like her. Now that pissed me off quite a bit too because why would he say that to her when I had been so good to him as a brother. We didn't speak for a year maybe but now I've kinda forgiven him and my family is pretty happy with my parents and stuff which is good. But him saying that to her is still on my mind a little even though we get on well now and go and watch planes together and stuff. But ewhen I found that out it really changed me quiyr a bit. I went from a guy who was feeling sorry for himself all the time to one kinda mad with his situation. I started doing more adventurous things like paragliding and hanggliding and canyon jumping and taking flying lessons and going gliding and stuff. Now I like flying and airplanes but this was a little nuts and was mainly because I was kinda mad about the situation with my ex. So obviously I still have issues I need to get over. Do I see a therapist? Do I just try to talk more about what's bothering me? Apologies for burdoning this all on the Airliners.net community but it's a lot cheaper than a therapist for the moment (and I don't have to have an appointment!).

Any advice is welcome.

Many thanks,

Pierre


25 Mudboy : It is called life dude, and there are those that learn, and those that repeat. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game. But this time, yo
26 KiwiRob : Dude you needed to grow a pair, get up walk around the partition and beat the stuffing out of the guy who was kissing your girlfriend. BTW what is "a
27 AirPacific747 : I agree. It's getting easier to get into a long lasting relationship the older you become. I like it.
28 sw733 : Very true. As you age, you realize what you want in a mate (and what you want in yourself). You start taking your mates attractiveness to a whole dif
29 bhill : You did the right thing..."If it walks like a duck....." Better some other guy catching something than you....
30 Post contains images AirPacific747 : Congratulations on your engagement!
31 ps76 : Hello(!), Just to say many thanks for the comments/advice etc. Looking back on it now I'm beginning to realise that it's all shit you have to deal wit
32 Dufo : DO NOT EVER succumb to manipulative, egoistical bit*hes. Better give her the boot sooner than later. It's just not worth it..
33 Aesma : I feel some here are a little harsh on the girl. Obviously she didn't see the relationship in the same way he did. Doesn't mean she was wrong and he w
34 Post contains images TheCol : Yes, that would be logical to assume. There's your first mistake right there. No sense on dwelling on a crazy gal you dated way back in the day. You
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