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What's Wrong With Me! Please Help!  
User currently offlinejayeshrulz From India, joined Apr 2007, 1027 posts, RR: 2
Posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 13 hours ago) and read 4991 times:

I'm 17, a intelligent guy, and very hardworking.I have all qualities that a good friend needs, and what a good student should have. But I am facing this bad issue which is constantly eating me up recently.
I'm doing Media course, which involves group thesis, group research etc.In my group.
But as it was a new year, i said i have no issues with the allotted group and accepted it.

But as the days passed, things started taking backfire on me.My members were not working, and i was the one that sits till 3 am at night a finish our work, edit movies etc.But they fail to give me credit for this. Our teacher has said that everyone NEEDS to have credit.So unfortunately,i had to write their names.
Now comes the best part. When there is work, they call me,be nice and take help from me.I do not have the habit unfortunately NO, so i cant refuse anyone  .
Now that the projects are on hold, i am suddenly invisible. Those people dont even revert back my text message forget about socializing!
Take a example of my friend. He was cool with me till there was project work.We really got along well with each other,went for parties, etc.Now, i suddenly am invisible to him. He doesn't even talk!
I accept, that sometimes i act immature. My sense of humor sucks and i am very bad at cracking jokes!
Instead, i sometimes get caught in their humor and being made a joke of!
I cant take this! I mean why is my name being gone down when i am the one who does everything?
If u ask anyone my name they will be like..... errmm yah i know. I find this bad!  

What's wrong with me! I know that getting good marks is not everything, but why am i becoming so foolish? Why am i slowly getting into this nerdy attitude! Why am i loosing people!
Is it really my fault that i'm not that cool? I'm sure that they will come back if they have work, but this is getting bad  
Please help!

Thank you.


Keep flying, because the sky is no limit!
32 replies: All unread, showing first 25:
 
User currently offlineBirdwatching From Germany, joined Sep 2003, 3810 posts, RR: 51
Reply 1, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 4973 times:

Well, it looks like you are in a very, very, very typical situation that happens thousands of times, around the world, every day. One does the work and the others use him, take credit for somebody else's work. The others in your team are not right to behave in that way, but you can't really do a thing about it. I wouldn't be too unhappy about not partying and socializing with them, they don't sound like the people I would want to be friends with. What I would do is just keep going until the project ends, in the long run you'll be more successful in the future since you're used to hard work and you learned a lot of stuff from this work as you've done most of it. The others, on the other hand will fail sooner or later.

Soren   



All the things you probably hate about travelling are warm reminders that I'm home
User currently offlinetristarenvy From United States of America, joined Jan 2004, 2265 posts, RR: 3
Reply 2, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 4966 times:

"The powers that be" will see who did the work and who didn't, in the end. Just be happy in your work. The hard work pays off, even when morons are attached. Be the "leader" and take the high road here.


If you don't stand for SOMETHING, you'll fall for ANYTHING.
User currently offlineaerdingus From Ireland, joined Dec 2006, 2819 posts, RR: 15
Reply 3, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 4947 times:

Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):

You're only young. Any time I have ever spoken to you on this site you always come across as nice & friendly, with a good sense of humour.

Unfortunately, everyone wants to be cool. But what is the international-nah....inter-planetary standard for coolness? There is none. You will learn to be yourself, and ultimately learn to be happy with yourself. I was like you at that age, you'll get past it & make REAL friends. It's all part of growing up.

Take it easy  



Cabin crew blog http://dolefuldolegirl.blogspot.ie/
User currently offlineiairallie From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 4, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 12 hours ago) and read 4934 times:

Sounds like a pretty normal situation. Project working relationships are different from friendships. Sometimes a real friendship develops out of a project or work situation often one does not. Don't let your feelings be hurt by this.

It's not unusual to have an uneven divide of the work load. I've worked on many projects where it was difficult to get even half the group to pull their weight.


User currently offlinesw733 From United States of America, joined Feb 2004, 6304 posts, RR: 9
Reply 5, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 4903 times:

Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
My members were not working, and i was the one that sits till 3 am at night a finish our work, edit movies etc.But they fail to give me credit for this

Very normal...there is always someone who cares more than the others, and the others often know this and can take advantage of it. Happens all the time...always has, always will. It extends beyond education to the real world too...get used to it.

I used to be like you, but one time I just said I would slack off, take a hit on my grade and prove a point. So, I slacked off...my group did poorly, our grade suffered. But next time something came up, they knew I wasn't going to just do it for them...they finally accepted working together, and we made up that low grade with no problem.

Quoting aerdingus (Reply 3):
But what is the international-nah....inter-planetary standard for coolness?


OK, I am kidding, kidding...


User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7694 posts, RR: 21
Reply 6, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 4889 times:
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Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
What's Wrong With Me!

Sounds like you're too whiny and immature.

Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
sometimes i act immature. My sense of humor sucks and i am very bad at cracking jokes!

You might want to work on that sort of thing.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlineFatmirJusufi From Albania, joined Jan 2009, 2441 posts, RR: 7
Reply 7, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 4884 times:

Jayesh, always keep in mind that you are the guy who is working hard, you are the one who is learning and getting experiences. You care about their laziness, huh?! As Birdwatching mentioned, it seems that your "friends" simply are not your type!
I do not doubt that better days are coming for you.

Keep believing!  



DO FLIGHTS. NOT FIGHTS.
User currently offlineMadameConcorde From San Marino, joined Feb 2007, 10893 posts, RR: 37
Reply 8, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 11 hours ago) and read 4875 times:

Hey Jayesh raise your chin! You are allright! Everybody goes through these stages.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!!!

Just go to the professor/teacher who is responsible for the class and talk the situation over with him/her.

There is no way these other students in your group have any right to take advantage of you!
You cannot keep going like this for the rest of the year, you doing the work and them doing nothing and getting the praise.



There was a better way to fly it was called Concorde
User currently offlinedirectorguy From Egypt, joined Jul 2008, 1651 posts, RR: 11
Reply 9, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 4806 times:

Sadly that's life-people who use you, people who play games with you, and people willing to use others as a free meal ticket.
My advice is not to confront anyone-now that would seem childish and could turn into a bitter spat. My advice would be to ever so subtly assign work and do only yours. If they don't do their part, it's their problem. I understand this would bring down the overall quality of work but I'm sure your instructor would agree that you need only do your share.
If these people aren't nice to you if they don't need something from you, it's their loss. If I was in your place, I wouldn't need people like that in my life.


User currently offlineMadameConcorde From San Marino, joined Feb 2007, 10893 posts, RR: 37
Reply 10, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 10 hours ago) and read 4804 times:

Quoting directorguy (Reply 9):
Sadly that's life-people who use you, people who play games with you, and people willing to use others as a free meal ticket.

You are a wise man, Omar.
All that you are saying in your post is so true.

 



There was a better way to fly it was called Concorde
User currently offlineaerdingus From Ireland, joined Dec 2006, 2819 posts, RR: 15
Reply 11, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 9 hours ago) and read 4772 times:

Quoting sw733 (Reply 5):

Duly taken & noted. I go with the Fonz & the fella on the trailer.  



Cabin crew blog http://dolefuldolegirl.blogspot.ie/
User currently offlinejayeshrulz From India, joined Apr 2007, 1027 posts, RR: 2
Reply 12, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 8 hours ago) and read 4719 times:

Quoting Birdwatching (Reply 1):
Well, it looks like you are in a very, very, very typical situation that happens thousands of times, around the world, every day. One does the work and the others use him, take credit for somebody else's work. The others in your team are not right to behave in that way, but you can't really do a thing about it. I wouldn't be too unhappy about not partying and socializing with them, they don't sound like the people I would want to be friends with. What I would do is just keep going until the project ends, in the long run you'll be more successful in the future since you're used to hard work and you learned a lot of stuff from this work as you've done most of it. The others, on the other hand will fail sooner or later.

You may be right Soren on this, but the truth is, i need to show them my importance.I need to prove to them, that without me they are crap!
And to be honest, in a class of 40 odd people, hardly i've got 4-5 good friends! And yes, they are good.
95% of my class are found outside partying.And i dont even get a chance to know them.
Shall i talk to them and make familiar? Or Just be happy with people i know? Because i am hating to just sit around the class and talk nothing! They are busy in their own world. And yes, this is what here means to be "cool". Atleast here.  
Quoting tristarenvy (Reply 2):
"The powers that be" will see who did the work and who didn't, in the end. Just be happy in your work. The hard work pays off, even when morons are attached. Be the "leader" and take the high road here.

i think i'll just do that.

Quoting aerdingus (Reply 3):

Hey again  

I am lucky enough to have few great friends who i am sure will do anything for me.I'm so confident!  
Its just that, i need someone to appreciate and atleast say "thank you" when i give them their own work.

Quoting iairallie (Reply 4):
Sounds like a pretty normal situation. Project working relationships are different from friendships. Sometimes a real friendship develops out of a project or work situation often one does not. Don't let your feelings be hurt by this.

Your right!

Quoting RussianJet (Reply 6):
Sounds like you're too whiny and immature.

Its not whining!, its desperation! i wanna get out of this class!

Quoting RussianJet (Reply 6):
You might want to work on that sort of thing.

Can u please help me out then?

Quoting FatmirJusufi (Reply 7):

I just hope it happens soon!

Quoting MadameConcorde (Reply 8):

I dont know madame! Why am i blaming myself for this?
But if i dont work, my marks will be shot, which will make it difficult for me!

Quoting directorguy (Reply 9):

You may be right. But if i dont do their work, my work falls apart too.


I know this is so embarrassing situation for me. I have come to such a point that i'm readily available as a joke to class.
How do i present myself, so that i can make good friends in class without being a way to get marks out of me?
I just want to make myself important, and not be neglected!

Its the first time in my life this has happened.I'm sorry if i sound immature, but really, this experience has surprised me.!

Quoting sw733 (Reply 5):

i love the fat guy there :P  


Thank you people. that's why i love a.net so much!



Keep flying, because the sky is no limit!
User currently offlineAR385 From Mexico, joined Nov 2003, 6138 posts, RR: 30
Reply 13, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 7 hours ago) and read 4669 times:
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Quoting jayeshrulz (Reply 12):
And to be honest, in a class of 40 odd people, hardly i've got 4-5 good friends! And yes, they are good.
95% of my class are found outside partying.And i dont even get a chance to know them.
Shall i talk to them and make familiar?

You need to get a good hold on the concept of friendship. For example, I would rather have 4 great friends, that as you say would do anything for you, than 35 people I call my friends but won´t answer the phone in the middle of the night when I need them. A lot of people, at all ages, but specially in their teens, confuse friendship with popularity. You need to worry about the former. You also need to question yourself how much of a good friend are you?

Because:

Quoting jayeshrulz (Reply 12):
You may be right Soren on this, but the truth is, i need to show them my importance.I need to prove to them, that without me they are crap!

You want these people to socialize with you, but in order to to do that, you need to be more social yourself. The above does not sound too friendly to me. Maybe you are giving off some rather negative vibes.

I am sure your school has some sort of Management program. You should try to enroll in any type of "Organizational Behavior" classes. You don´t need to be there formally, maybe just as an observer. Those types of classes do wonders by teaching you team-working and team-management skills. You´d be surprised how complex team dynamics can be, but if you have the right skills and tools to deal with the issues that arise in such environments, your life will become so much easier.



MGGS
User currently offlineaerdingus From Ireland, joined Dec 2006, 2819 posts, RR: 15
Reply 14, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 4611 times:

Quoting AR385 (Reply 13):
You need to get a good hold on the concept of friendship. For example, I would rather have 4 great friends, that as you say would do anything for you, than 35 people I call my friends but won´t answer the phone in the middle of the night when I need them.

Nail on the head there.



Cabin crew blog http://dolefuldolegirl.blogspot.ie/
User currently offlinekanban From United States of America, joined Jan 2008, 3396 posts, RR: 26
Reply 15, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 4592 times:
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check out Aspberger's syndrome... it's not bad, it's just we do things differently and are less social, yet because we're task oriented we end up finishing what others have started because we are more focused... Also at your age, kids are fickle and follow through suffers because there is always something new to do...

incidently Da Vinci, Einstein and many geniouses had Aspberger


User currently offlinelewis From Greece, joined Jul 1999, 3623 posts, RR: 5
Reply 16, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 6 hours ago) and read 4586 times:

Don't worry if they are not "truly" your friends. It always happens. Most people who in the future may be friendly with you at work are not really your friends outside the workplace. This is even good sometimes.

As for this:

Quoting jayeshrulz (Reply 12):
You may be right. But if i dont do their work, my work falls apart too.

When I was studying and we had group projects, the professor would always assign a team leader for each team. He was responsible to present afterwards how he delegated the work so that the professor would have a good idea of who did what. Also, after every project, we had to hand in peer reviews and write about how we thought we performed and how we graded each other individual's contribution. It was a good system to deal with people that didn't do their part. Of course the overall project result could suffer, but at least those who worked really hard on it could get a fair share of the mark. Although it is a weird thing to do in an academic environment, it is exactly what you will go through when you get reviewed at work, so I got accustomed to that system at an early stage.

Quoting jayeshrulz (Reply 12):
I know this is so embarrassing situation for me. I have come to such a point that i'm readily available as a joke to class.
How do i present myself, so that i can make good friends in class without being a way to get marks out of me?
I just want to make myself important, and not be neglected!

It seems to me that it is already clear to you, they are not really your friends and are sometimes nice to you in order to get what they want without actually doing the work they should do. Is this what you want? Probably not. Just ignore them outside the class too, you have nothing to gain by trying to be nice to them. If you have to work with them again, keep a firm but not rude attitude, only do what you are supposed to do for a project and make it clear to them that you will not be doing what you used to do. If they really want to get a good grade, they will realize that they have to do their share, knowing that you will not be working overnight to cover for them.
You will know when someone is really interested in becoming your friend or it is because he just wants to get something out of it. From what you write, you seem like a person that understands that too. I made good friends when working in groups, I also met people that I wouldn't want to socialize outside the classroom.


User currently offlineOzGlobal From France, joined Nov 2004, 2711 posts, RR: 4
Reply 17, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 4 hours ago) and read 4510 times:

What is affecting you is less about the distribution of work and credit and much more about you and your identity and security. You are not at home in your own skin, and probably even so less than average, even for an adolescent. You compensate by seeking approval, in part by always agreeing to do 'favours' for others. Then you step back and see that you are being 'used' and resent it. This is also why you're awkward and unnatural when it comes to humour. People can smell this and find it unattractive. At the same time they smell a soul willing to strive to please and they know they can exploit this. All of this is mainly subconscious, but age-old and extremely common.

You probably need to cultivate your sense of self-worth and start to respect yourself first if you want others to. Ask yourself why you are cracking sick jokes and being a personal slave. If you're not happy with the motive, then just say, "No" to being a slave, No to being desperate to be accepted and Yes to respecting yourself. Next RELAX. People feel uneasy around you because you are striving so hard be 'cool'. Memo, COOL = RELAXED and at home in your own company...

Courage, you'll be alright.



When all's said and done, there'll be more said than done.
User currently offlinemt99 From United States of America, joined May 1999, 6574 posts, RR: 6
Reply 18, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 3 hours ago) and read 4497 times:
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Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
He was cool with me till there was project work.We really got along well with each other,went for parties, etc.Now, i suddenly am invisible to him. He doesn't even talk!

Dont try to hard. My biggest regret in High School was to try to hard to fit in with the "cool kids" , and in the process i myself ignored a smaller groups of kids that which looking back i realize that i would have enjoyed hanging out with them much more.

Relax, enjoy your 4 or 5 friends..forget about the rest.

I was on you a situation similar to yours, and i choose to side-line my own little group just to have a shot of hanging out with the cool kids. And of course, it never worked. It truly has been a big regret.

Remember: not everyone has to like you, and that you don't have to like everyone. Its a fact of life.

It reminds me of that 30 Rock episode in which Liz Lemon goes to here high-school reunion in which she wants to see all the people that where she remember being mean to her. Turns out, that they were nice to her, and she was considered the class b*thc, and she was the one that was mean to everyone..



Step into my office, baby
User currently offlineshamrock321 From Ireland, joined May 2008, 1596 posts, RR: 1
Reply 19, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 3 hours ago) and read 4478 times:

I was this person up until recently! Stop doing it, and they dont be long about changing their attitude!

User currently offlineWingscrubber From UK - England, joined Sep 2001, 845 posts, RR: 0
Reply 20, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 3 hours ago) and read 4473 times:

I had similar experiences at high school, college and uni with people hanging-on just long enough to benefit from my work.
Key thing is to learn to put your friends and your workmates/colleagues in seperate boxes, even if they happen to be the same people. By that I mean you treat them differently depending on the situation. Learn to let bad friends fall by the wayside if they're pretentious or make you try to act a certain way.

Bottom line is, even if your friends benefit from your work - it's still your work, and when you get a job in your chosen profession you won't be around to help them, and they'll just have to deal with the fact that you make more money than they do!



Resident TechOps Troll
User currently offlinecpd From Australia, joined Jun 2008, 4879 posts, RR: 38
Reply 21, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 3 hours ago) and read 4457 times:

Quoting directorguy (Reply 9):
My advice is not to confront anyone-now that would seem childish and could turn into a bitter spat. My advice would be to ever so subtly assign work and do only yours. If they don't do their part, it's their problem.

Exactly right.  

Now, the next thing is to start to value yourself! Find people who really are friends, rather than hangers on who want to use you for your knowledge and then hang you out to dry.

Quoting jayeshrulz (Reply 12):
You may be right Soren on this, but the truth is, i need to show them my importance.I need to prove to them, that without me they are crap!

No you don't need to do that. All you need to do is get your work done without fuss or fanfare. When it comes around to your 'friends' having to do real work, they'll flounder because they haven't got adequate knowledge of what to do.

What else to do? Do things that increase your confidence. Take up some sort of fitness activity - maybe boxing (for fitness, not competitive), that's one that works wonders.

[Edited 2010-10-13 15:56:30]

User currently offlineBMI727 From United States of America, joined Feb 2009, 15719 posts, RR: 26
Reply 22, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 2 hours ago) and read 4435 times:

Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
But as the days passed, things started taking backfire on me.My members were not working, and i was the one that sits till 3 am at night a finish our work, edit movies etc.

Sometimes that's what happens. But, for every instance of this, you'll probably also have an instance where you are in a quality group that functions as it should. Luck of the draw really. But, as you go through school or work, I would encourage you to mentally note who you would want to work with and who you'd rather avoid if you ever get the chance to get groups together yourselves rather than be assigned.

Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
credit.So unfortunately,i had to write their names.
Now comes the best part. When there is work, they call me,be nice and take help from me.I do not have the habit unfortunately NO, so i cant refuse anyone .
Now that the projects are on hold, i am suddenly invisible. Those people dont even revert back my text message forget about socializing!

Work is work. Friends are friends. Sometimes you get lucky and the two mix, but being a good friend does not mean you ought to work with them or vice versa.

Quoting OzGlobal (Reply 17):
You are not at home in your own skin, and probably even so less than average, even for an adolescent. You compensate by seeking approval, in part by always agreeing to do 'favours' for others.

   You aren't working so people like you. You do the work because it needs to get done.



Why do Aerospace Engineering students have to turn things in on time?
User currently offlinetexan From New Zealand, joined Dec 2003, 4274 posts, RR: 52
Reply 23, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 hour ago) and read 4407 times:

This used to happen to me a lot. One of the things that really helped me was the following saying: "There are two kinds of people in this world: those who do the work and those who take the credit. Be in the first group. There's less competition."

If you do your work and work hard, you'll do fine.

Texan



"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library."
User currently offlinecpd From Australia, joined Jun 2008, 4879 posts, RR: 38
Reply 24, posted (3 years 9 months 3 weeks 1 hour ago) and read 4398 times:

Quoting jayeshrulz (Thread starter):
But as the days passed, things started taking backfire on me.My members were not working, and i was the one that sits till 3 am at night a finish our work, edit movies etc.But they fail to give me credit for this. Our teacher has said that everyone NEEDS to have credit.So unfortunately,i had to write their names.
Now comes the best part. When there is work, they call me,be nice and take help from me.I do not have the habit unfortunately NO, so i cant refuse anyone .

Maybe also you need to shake up the project team a bit too. Do some delegation - you take the lead, assign out work-packages to the others, and set agreed deadlines for those to be met by those people. Work it in such a way that the others must meet their obligations.


25 Steeler83 : This reminds me of some of the group projects I did while at college and graduate school. We had a professor who even wanted to see communication bet
26 NoUFO : I know I'm late to the party... No, that would come across as being arrogant. Your real problem lies here: For once, I want to quote Bertolt Brecht: I
27 Post contains images CamiloA380 : Hey Jayesh. I hope everything other is fine. And don't take those things too serious, they actually loose in not working on the project too, because t
28 babybus : Maybe your friends pick up on this attitude toward them? Very supportive but they're all long dead. How can you diagnose them? The greatest medical m
29 Luftfahrer : "Be polite to all, but intimate with few." Thomas Jefferson
30 wn700driver : Not after my advice you won't... Seriously though... Absolutely not. I can't even begin to tell you how wrong that mentality is. You're 17, so you ha
31 Post contains images jayeshrulz : I get you. Absolutely. I dont define friend just to do project and get invisible. We really dont socialize. And honestly, i went a spoke professor re
32 jayeshrulz : Things are better now. I confronted my group, and warned them today, that if this repeats itself,i will would approach the Professor and inform her th
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