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Your Most Uncomfortable Situation  
User currently offlinetravelavnut From Netherlands, joined May 2010, 1619 posts, RR: 7
Posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 16 hours ago) and read 1533 times:

Seeing the slur of "list" threads latily (Best Cities, Worst Cities, etc) I thought of another one that could potentialy include some funny stories; Your Most Uncomfortable Situation.


As most of the users here, including myself, are anonymous, this is the perfect place to share that really embarrassing moment or situation.


I'll start with one of my own moments-you-just-wanted-to-die  


Now a word of caution to the members who are cursed with a weak stomach, this story involves poo, lots of it. So if you don't like that, you have been warned. Otherwise have some fun at my expense   It will also be a bit long, sorry for that!


This happened almost exactly two years ago. Easter Monday 2009, a day off in the Netherlands. That morning I was helping a friend paint his new appartment. It was still completely empty and we took out all the doors inside so we could paint everything. After an hour or so I got some indications from the engine room in my stomach that a major event was up coming. We went out the night before and concluded the evening with massive amounts of Kebab. But hey, I was only staying until lunch time or so. After a quiet internal risk assesment I concluded that I could make lunch time, drive to the supermarket, do groceries quickly and drive home, there I would annihalite my own toilet. I'd rather destroy my friends toilet, but I kinda need a door.


So around 1pm I walked, still in a relaxed manner, to my brand spanking new bastard of a Peugout 206.


A month before I received a new and permanent contract at my job. This new contract also included a small car of my own choice. I chose the great Suzuki Swift Sport - Pocket Rocket Edition. Unfortunatly, because it's an awesome little car, there was a six month waiting list. So to cover that period the leasing company thought it was a good idea to give me a Peugout 206. I hate French cars. No, wait, actually, French cars hate me and my family. Every time a family member of me owned a French car they had huge problems. My Dad's Renault 25 drivers seat broke free while on the highway.


And now it was my turn....


The drive to the supermarket would take 10 minutes, from the supermarket to my house another 10 minutes. I can easily make it.


I entered the supermarket and immidiatly noticed that my previous risk assesment would need some tweaking. It was busy, I mean bat-shit-crazy busy. Also the engine room was giving of some worying mixed signals.


I walked, in a slighty less relaxed manner, through the supermarket. Grabbing products, forgetting most of them. The wait in line to pay featured an exponential growth of warning bells and whistles in the "nether region".


The walk to my temporary French insult to the automotive industry was done using butt-cheek-compression at max. levels. People in the know could have easily recognized my urgently-need-to-poo walk.


I pull open the door and enter the well designed drivers position (granted, the French are ergonomic experts). Slamming the key in the ignition, stomping my foot on the clutch and janking the gear lever in reverse.


Now, why don't we slow the passage of time at this exact moment. A lot will be happening in the next few seconds!


In those few seconds I was educated about the gear lever connection to the rest of the car. Seemingly an area where Peugout could improve things. I can't even begin to describe the thoughts racing through my head while I saw the gear lever in my hand, completely separated from the car. For some bizar reason the first thought that sticked long enough to consiously remember was "ow no biggy, I'll drive home first and deal with it there", the second thought was "I REALLY need to poo!!!", and the third thought was "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DRIVE LIKE THIS!!!".


Now those of you that have been to the Netherlands know about the lack of public toilet facilities. As a man you can piss everywhere, but going number two almost seems illegal.


This is crunch time people! This situation needs to be resolved, QUICKLY!!!


There were two crucial things I needed to do;

- Poop

- Call the Emergency number of the leasing company to get a replacement car (which normally takes a few hours)

The big question was in what order those actions would be carried out.


I choose to call the leasing company first, in case a public toilet could not be located I would at least know rescue would be under way. Luckily it was a quick ordeal, no waiting. "what's the problem?", "where are you?", "a tow truck will be there in 15 minutes". Great, one down, number two to go!


After a quick scan of my surroundings I selected an actual Amsterdam coffeeshop. A place where you can, semi-legally, buy and smoke pot. I've been there before when I was a student and I would expect stoners to be understanding to my little "situation". The downside was that this place is tiny, twenty stoned people in an extremely small room.


"CANIUSEYOURTOILET???!!!!"

- "eeuuhh...huh?"

- "ow yeah sure dude"

The feeling of relieve flowing through my body signaled the onset of sensations I can only describe as contractions. I was actually in the first stage of the male equivelant to child birth.


I positioned my self in the extremely small toilet, sat down and entered a world of new experiences. And that at age 28! The first few minutes quotes from the likes of Star Trek flew through my mind.... "To Boldly Go...etc"


My head must have looked like a water soaked spunch being squeezed. Pearls of sweat started to populate my forehead. And the actual stretching was incredible, I never knew some body parts could be so flexible. Five minutes into labor, while the head was just popping out (mind you, that only signals the shoulders are coming!), my cell phone started playing a catchy tune. Mmhh, unknown mobile number, could be the tow truck...


I still wonder what the guy at the other end was thinking when I answered.

"HHHNNNGGGGG, YES???"

- "eeuh, hey, I'm XXXXX from Athlon, I'm at your car with the tow truck"

"UUURRRRSSOO-SO QUICKLY???!!"

-"eumm, yeah, I'm here, blue Peugout right?"

"MMMGGIVE ME FIVE MINUTES"-CLICK

Why, in the name of all that is Holy, must my first experience with road side assistance be a good one?!


I seriously had my hands firmly placed on both walls, feet slightly lifted from the floor, and a look on my face that not even my mother could love. During this moment I also started to notice the incredibly rich bouquet of smells originating from the gates of Hell. Holy crap (no pun intented), in the not too distant future I have to open this door, an ad hoc portal to Great Embarrassment. Weed changes the senses in a big way, but for some reason Smell is not affected at all....


After a surprisingly low amount of toilet papers (and yes, there was rectal bleeding), but an extraordinary large amount of flushes later I was ready to face my demons. At this point the smell was so rich and thick, I could have sliced through it with a knife.


The door opens and the ghastly fumes acts like a real life Pandora's Box. Heads are turning immidiately and the tell tale signs of collective sniffing and disgust start to appear.


These are the moments to be pro-active, it's the only way to stop the ever increasing level of embarrassment.

"Sorry guys..hehe"

Luckily it was a good crowd for the most part, some laughed, others were on the brink of walking away or throwing up.

I laugh about it now, but at that time and place I wished I could just dissolve into thin air  


- "You ok?" - the tow truck guy asked

"Well I just gave birth" - I jokingly said, not realising I had to spend twenty minutes next to him driving to the garage...

[Edited 2011-04-22 11:04:52]


Live From Amsterdam!
7 replies: All unread, jump to last
 
User currently offline1stfl94 From United Kingdom, joined May 2006, 1455 posts, RR: 0
Reply 1, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 10 hours ago) and read 1427 times:

Not sure anything's gonna quite beat that! Then again I have managed to introduce two of my friends not realizing I was introducing one friend to their ex girlfriend! Not uncomfortable in the same way but also wanted to die quite badly!

User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7704 posts, RR: 21
Reply 2, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 10 hours ago) and read 1420 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Quoting travelavnut (Thread starter):

Seriously, you had to take a shit in a coffee shop, that's it?????
Mmmmm, ok.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlinePlymSpotter From Spain, joined Jun 2004, 11655 posts, RR: 60
Reply 3, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 1407 times:

This one was not so much uncomfortable for me as somebody else. When I was in Buenos Aires a get the Malvinas back street camper/protester came up and gave me a leaflet and began to inform me very diligently about how evil the UK was for having them. I though about playing along in Spanish to avoid fuss, but instead kindly suggested in English that I wasn't the best person to be talking to about the subject as I'm British by birth. I honestly didn't expect them to be so apologetic, it was clear they didn't quite know where to put themselves.   


Dan  



...love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
User currently offlineDocLightning From United States of America, joined Nov 2005, 19786 posts, RR: 59
Reply 4, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 1406 times:

Quoting travelavnut (Thread starter):

I positioned my self in the extremely small toilet, sat down and entered a world of new experiences. And that at age 28! The first few minutes quotes from the likes of Star Trek flew through my mind.... "To Boldly Go...etc"

*giggle*

Quoting travelavnut (Thread starter):
And the actual stretching was incredible, I never knew some body parts could be so flexible

*gasp*

Quoting travelavnut (Thread starter):

Why, in the name of all that is Holy, must my first experience with road side assistance be a good one?!


ROTFL!!! OMG, I'm literally laughing out loud here!

Quoting travelavnut (Thread starter):
Weed changes the senses in a big way, but for some reason Smell is not affected at all....

I'd imagine that it would have an incense-like effect and neutralize the odor.

Quoting travelavnut (Thread starter):

"Well I just gave birth" - I jokingly said, not realising I had to spend twenty minutes next to him driving to the garage...

I started laughing so hard I was pounding on my desk and one of the medical assistants came in to ask me if I was OK. Thanks for a good laugh.


User currently offlineRussianJet From Belgium, joined Jul 2007, 7704 posts, RR: 21
Reply 5, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 1387 times:
Support Airliners.net - become a First Class Member!

Quoting PlymSpotter (Reply 3):
This one was not so much uncomfortable for me as somebody else. When I was in Buenos Aires a get the Malvinas back street camper/protester came up and gave me a leaflet and began to inform me very diligently about how evil the UK was for having them. I though about playing along in Spanish to avoid fuss, but instead kindly suggested in English that I wasn't the best person to be talking to about the subject as I'm British by birth. I honestly didn't expect them to be so apologetic, it was clear they didn't quite know where to put themselves.

Congratulations on not beating them to a pulp there and then.



✈ Every strike of the hammer is a blow against the enemy. ✈
User currently offlineplaneguy727 From United States of America, joined Mar 2007, 1249 posts, RR: 1
Reply 6, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 9 hours ago) and read 1384 times:

February 14, a tuesday, when I was an undergraduate in college. Some people call this valentines day, I call it single awareness day as there is no other day in the year you are more aware of your status if single.

Some friends and I decided to go to a club, dance, have some fun. I forgot what was so special about tuesday at that club... Important to note - everything that happened, I was sober. At that point in my life I had never even tried alcohol.

Tuesday night at that club is amateur strip night. My friends are trying to get me to enter the contest. I said no repeatedly... well, I was contestant number 8 (damn peer pressure). Some things to know about me - I am white guy can't dance. I proved it that night.

By state law a certain region must be covered for men. Unlike a prior contestant, I choose not to use a single sock (though I could fill it just fine, thank you). I decided to keep my boxers on - which I later regretted, in part because they were black silk with red hearts - that my mom gave me.

The DJ chose a song to "dance" to while stripping. Now is a good time to remember that I am white guy can't dance. I fell down 3 times trying to get my pants off. I also learned that if you are going to dance around in public in your boxers, it's a good idea to choose a pair with a button in the fly.

Members of the "audience" would come out and give dollar bills to the "contestants." The first person out of the audience with a dollar was... my boss. I had no idea she was there! And she did not want to put the dollar in the waistband of my boxers, she wanted to put it in the fly. I was frozen in place, unable to dance, part because it was my boss, and part because the though running through my head was "there are some places you just don't want to risk a paper cut."

I don't think you really need any more. You get the point. The office the next day was, well, interesting. I am thankful this was in the days before cell phone cameras.

On the up side, I paid a $2 cover, drank free water, and while I didn't win the contest, I did get $4 in tips from the audience. In summary, I went home with a profit (and a few phone numbers).



I want to live in an old and converted 727...
User currently offlineShyFlyer From , joined Dec 1969, posts, RR:
Reply 7, posted (3 years 5 months 1 week 4 days 8 hours ago) and read 1372 times:

In the waning days of 2009, I had laparoscopic surgery to remove my gall bladder. The surgery went well and the next day I was picked up by my Mom. Before heading the 'ol homestead, it was decided that we'd stop at the pharmacy to pick up my pain meds. I wasn't really in the mood to be running errands but the Docs said I needed to move around as much as possible.

I wasn't in much pain, just a lot of discomfort and very low on energy. While in line, my Mom made a comment to me that, under normal circumstances would have elicited just a chuckle from me. However, in my current state, such a little chuckle was ungodly painful. Add the fact that law of suppressed laughter states that attempting to suppress any laughter results in even more laughter and I was in for quite the experience.

The laughter only lasted a few seconds before the pain kicked in. Pain so intense that I nearly blacked out right there at the pharmacy. I never actually lost consciousness, but came very close.   


Now if we're talking awkward situations, then it's going to take a while for me to come up with the most awkward. I have many of them.      


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