I wanted to make this post in one of the AF447 investigation threads, but the threads were locked so I'm posting this separately here. (As an aside I would personally like to continue the technical A.NET discussion on AF447 somewhere. Where?)

Anyway, here's the report. Enjoy, and do not take it too seriously:

FINAL REPORT

A.NET INVESTIGATIVE AGENCY (AIA)
DEPARTMENT OF CONSPIRACIES AND HIDDEN AGENDAS (DOCAHA)

ACCIDENT INFORMATION

Date of accident: 1st June 2009 at around 2 h 15(1)
Site of accident: Near the TASIL point in international waters, Atlantic Ocean
Type of flight: International public transport of passengers, scheduled flight AF447
Aircraft: Airbus A330-203, registered F-GZCP, owner and operator Air France
Persons on board: Flight crew: 3, cabin crew: 9, passengers: 216

SYNOPSIS

228 innocent people are dead. While this is unfortunate, accident investigations can help guide the aviation industry to better practices and safer equipment. After several hours of painstaking research on various Internet sources and chat rooms, the AIA has reached a conclusion about the ultimate cause of this accident. The cause and recommendations from the AIA use this opportunity to reiterate the preferences and prejudices from the DOCAHA regarding certain aircraft manufacturers and airlines.

ESTABLISHED FACTS

As everyone knows, unlike real aircraft, Airbus aircraft are controlled by computers. The pilots cannot override the computers, and those computers may be get input from bad sensor data. The initiating sequence of events in this accident was the failure of the speed sensors or so called pitot tubes. There was nothing that the crew could do in this situation. Secret material from the parts of the CVR (Cockpit Voice Recorder) not released by BEA (accident investigation agency of France) indicates that the crew tried to remove the computers and build a Boeing 727 cockpit from the parts, but unfortunately they run out of time to complete the task before the aircraft crashed.

Air France maintenance procedures leave a lot to be desired. Photographic evidence below shows that they do not keep their aircraft clean.

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Photo © Weimeng

It is also well known that Air France requires their crews to fly ultra-long haul missions without sufficient fuel loads. This prevents the crews to make necessary deviations. For instance, the AF447 flight would not have crashed in sea, had it been able to use one of the transatlantic land routes.

Even more serious is that as reported by an Australian newspaper, Air France procedures allow inexperienced "baby pilots" to pilot planes while the Air France captains take their union mandated sleep.

Finally, the vertical fin of an Airbus plane is susceptible to being detached in flight. It is not known if this happened with AF447, but there is plenty of credible evidence that it may happen. For instance, the members of the AIA were in a bar last week with some pilots, and one of them believed that the NTSB (accident investigation board of the USA) conclusions about AA 587 accident in New York were flawed. Similarly, in many recent accidents, including AF 447 and the Perpignan A320 the fin is seen detached, proving beyond doubt that it came off.



The AIA would also like to express its dissatisfaction with the investigative process performed by BEA. As is well known, BEA investigations are solely performed by Airbus personnel. This makes it possible for the investigation process to focus on assigning blame outside Airbus and Air France. Evidence of this bias is clearly visible in many of the past investigations which placed fault in someone else than Airbus. This happened with the Habsheim A320 crash, for instance. In the AF 447 investigation the BEA has on purpose withdrawn information and delayed the investigation. The only reason for two year delay for recovering the remains of the aircraft was for divers to plant falsified FDR (Flight Data Recorder) and CVR units in the bottom of the sea.

PROBABLE CAUSE

The accident was caused by inadequate speed sensor design and faulty Airbus fly-by-wire computer design. Contributing factors include substandard maintenance procedures at Air France, and airline policies to force crews to embark on dangerous missions. In addition, had the aircraft not crashed when it did, its vertical fin would soon have detached, causing a crash.

RECOMMENDATIONS

Flying, buying, and expressing admiration for Airbus aircraft should be avoided. As is well known, Airbus aircraft are plasticy replicas of real airplanes, and they are bought only through the excessive EU government subsidies.

In addition, the AIA would like to make the following specific recommendations to improve future commercial airline operations.

• 1. The FDR systems should be augmented with real-time data upload to A.NET so that we can get live coverage from important accident events.
  
  
• 2. Captains that take a rest period during a flight should avoid sleeping in their underwear, as putting on the clothes will delay the important entrance to the cockpit to save the aircraft.